Not married, but been living with girlfriend (6 years now), she was diagnosed with ADHD in her 30s, we both just turned 50. Our house has always been chaotic mess with room- and hall-blocking clutter from all of her unfinished "projects". Seriously, the spare bedroom looks like an episode of "Hoarders". She is treating (some days, she doesn't have insurance so hoards her pills and only takes on days they are most needed), Adderal or Vyvanse. She sometimes sees county mental health people, but it typically is about ancillary anxiety and depression, not specifically the ADD. She has been fired from numerous jobs in the past 6 years, always by frustrated bosses who don't get her process and can't deal with her loose relationship to time. Most recently 6 weeks ago. Well, she has decided to go into business for herself, which is a short-term financial nightmare for me, since I carry all the household bills, and she now won't even make her half of rent. Here is the current crisis: she did not sign a non-compete with her last boss, and has a contact list of about 125 clients from the last job. I and most of her close friends have been pestering her for six weeks to send out promotional email to these clients. She was up literally 30 hours, hyperfocused and working on the "perfect" promotional email for 13 hours straight on Wednesday night, involving me for at least 5 or 6 hours, and involving her sister and a close friend for hours as well, both overnight and while the three of us were at work yesterday. She finally gave up short of clicking "send" on the email blast. Wasn't "perfect" yet, and her anxiety about undercutting her old boss and about stepping forward as her own boss was playing a big part. Long story short, this morning I went behind her back, cleaned up the formatting a bit, and sent the email blast out without her permission. Has anyone here had to finish off a vital project for their spouse and gotten in hot water because of it? I will at least be sleeping on the couch tonight, maybe in a motel I can't afford. She won't do this stuff for herself, and won't let me do it for her. Frustrated and guilty for having done this in secret.
New Here, in a bit of a Crisis
Submitted by freshelfpie on 12/19/2014.
Oh, I feel your pain! This
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Oh, I feel your pain! This isn't exactly the same, but here goes: My husband lives with his parents in a city a few hours away (he is their caregiver). He rarely comes home, mainly because his father feels incapable of taking care of his wife (my husband's mom) for more than a few hours by himself. A few weeks ago, my daughter's car broke down shortly after she got home for her school break. I said I'd take the car into a service station. I got an estimate for the repair work, and the estimate is high, more than the car is worth at this point. My husband immediately said that he'd fix the car. I said he can try, but.... He has no time. He is almost never here, where the broken car sits in the garage. He likes to work on the cars when they have problems but he is not an expert. I told him that he can attempt to fix the car, but if he does so, I won't let our daughter take it back to school (a few hundred miles away) until I've driven it several times to make sure it's OK. I don't need to be in control of everything; I do need to ensure safety of my children, to the extent possible. Me getting between my husband and car repairs is not a pretty sight.
Thanks for the response. I
Submitted by freshelfpie on
Thanks for the response. I think she is more pissed about having the choice taken away from her. She realizes she was self-sabotaging with fear and over-meticulousness. I just don't want her to lose prospective clients because she puts it off too long.
two legged goldfish
Submitted by Tired-to-my-bones on
As a relatively newly married couple, I helped my husband complete mounting the portfolio of designs he was due to take with him the States. Two hours before he was due at the airport, he was still sorting out what he wanted to take. I had spent the night sorting and supporting, knowing that I had to get up to go to work (I was the major breadwinner) and take care of our very young son. It was ok - he was new to all this and I was happy to help. The next trip, several months later, he performed the same trick. He hadn't learned from his previous experience and had left everything to the last minute. I played dumb and went to bed. If he missed his flight through lack of organisation - tough. Fast forward 30 years, I am sitting in my kitchen whilst he swears and faffs whilst mounting one of his pieces on the wall. I can feel the tension rising in my stomach as I wait for something to get broken. He has already spread plaster dust all over the new sofa and keeps calling on me to hand him various tools. I have to remove myself from any space where he is working as I can no longer tolerate the mess, lack of forethought and irritation flowing from him. I have learned to shut down where he is concerned,that part of me that is automatically helpful because he hasn't learned from past experience. I wish I had known about ADHD all those years ago. It's like living with a two legged goldfish.
I wish you all the luck in managing the hyperfocus coupled with procrastination.
Just reading your post freshelfpie....
Submitted by c ur self on
This was the story of my life...(Frustrated and guilty for having done this in secret) ...I too use to let myself be the intrusive one because I just had to Help!...LOL...What seems to be your problem was mine also...I was overwhelmed watching her live life....It's amazing how hard she can make it...So in the name of common sense, reality, and LOVE...HA...I would slip in there and HELP....:)....Then when she would explode over it, I was the sad enabler with nothing to do but fight back or lie...:(...But PTL...I am coming to realize I do not have to carry this 300 pound Gorilla on my back any more....If I left today, or if I die today...She would continue on living HER WAY;)....So, now, I just ignore the things I would do differently, as best I can, without judging her for the way she lives. And when things do not go well for her because of her inability to not manage her time or the many other things her life style hinders, I just smile and shake my head about it. She has to be a big girl and own it...Because I didn't HELP...YES!
I bet your girl friend will make it with out you to, if she has too:)...Her way!
Blessings and Merry Christmas!