I need advice please, or just an ear from those of you who love your adhd spouse, but for your own sanity and possibility of a peaceful life, have decided to leave. After 12 years of being together, and about 7 years of me researching and focusing on adhd and the roll it plays (the BIG ROLE) and sharing with my husband (he is diagnosed Add and Odd, as is his son) I can't take it anymore. His symptoms are absolutely textbook. Thankfully he does not have the violent rages, he is generally a good and sweet man. Everyone loves Mike (but don't see how he treas me in private) But he does ignore me to no end, hyper focus on projects (think of the crazed inventor type spending hours in his man dungeon, only to come out to eat food you have prepared, maybe watch a video about his project and then retreat back to the cave for more hobby fun). He forgets and forgets and forgets, and most often does not do what he says, even promises, he will do. No sex and the few times it happens, I am not satisfied. He is, and then is done. He's absolutely defensive if I mention being unhappy about something in the least bit. Deflects and says everything is my fault and how I am being unreasonable if I get hurt when "it was not intention to hurt me". ALL THOSE THINGS, TEXTBOOK. I am calm, not a nagger, not a screamer and speak with logic.... and that does not even work. Sometimes I think that the only way to get him to pay attention would to become a screamer, but I don't want to become that person. It is not in my nature. I am a helper and an empath. I will not become an angry, raged person just to get someone else to pay me some attention or do a small chore. I do have a tendency to pout and ignore him right back after weeks of reaching out to him to no avail. I digress.... "Doing my own thing" and focusing on me does not work to have him pay any more attention to me, it has just furthered us living life separately, even though we are married. I love what I do for me, but I also am in a marriage and would like a partnership. I don't want to be married with the experts telling me that I should just basically live like I am single. That baffles me to no end! I do rescue, have a lot of friends, lots of stuff to do, exercise, take care of our 7 animals in the household. (I did have a full time executive job that I quit in January because the owner was violating Federal Labor laws and has poor ethics. I could no longer help him run his company. It was against my morals, so I quit after 2 1/2 years of being the major and steady breadwinner) I have lots of things to keep me busy while he is in his shop for 16 hours a day tinkering with his new machines (that do not provide my income, if any, by the way. If he makes any money with his 3D printer or self built CNC machine, he puts what little he earned right back into "improving" those machines. His money is his money, my money went mainly towards the household) FAST FORWARD.... For years I have told him that I feel taken for granted. I believe that 85% of the problem is that it is his adhd symptoms that he is denying. He takes medication, but does not do any of the other steps things to help us out. No exercise, he drinks every night, he saw a therapist for a very short time (we lost our medical benefits when I quit my job) but stopped when we lost insurance. He goes back into just doing his thing ALL DAY LONG, while I am taking care of most of the household.
I decided that I want to separate and told him. He broke down. Had a mini meltdown. Hyperventilating. Drinking all night and then starting back up at 8am to deal with his pain. He is SO SO SO SO SORRY for all that he has done (Ive heard this before) . He is still in our house, we are friends and I am not going to be mean or cruel, but I do know that I need to move on in order to maybe ever have a rewarding relationship, or even just peace by being by myself instead of feeling utterly lonely with my husband with me in the house. I am not going to kick him out in the middle of Covid, but I did have to take my decision head on after he was extremely rude and disrespectful lat week... it was my last straw. ANYWAY... NOW HE IS ALL OVER ME! He wants to cook me breakfast, he wants to spend the day together, he wants to tickle my back while we watch a movie (one of my favorite things) he wants to come out and do circuit exercise with me! (WHAT?!?!?!? I'VE BEEN ASKING HIM FOR MONTHS TO WORK OUT WITH ME. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE... HE WOULD NOT DO IT.) Now that I have reached my breaking point. THe breaking point that I, for years, have told him I was going to hit. NOW he is being the hyperfocusing partner again. Have any of you who left dealt with this too? I know I have to leave for my sanity. I won't ask him to try to find another place in the middle of Covid lockdown.. but this is literally a MIND "F" for me. I am afraid that if I continue to try to talk to him about my decision, he is going to dive to the bottom of the whiskey bottle again, have another breakdown and more suicidal thoughts. My heart hurts. For me and for him.
Pochipig
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
You need separation, some distance between you in order to think.
I know that is difficult in the middle of a pandemic.
Actions, not words. It is understandable that you are skeptical of your husband's sudden change. His change must be lasting in order to believe it is real.
When I decided to divorce my husband, he back pedaled, pouring on the charm and paid attention to me for the first time in over a decade. Wanting to have deep conversations, suddenly interested in my thoughts and feelings. After 13 years of abuse, I wasn't buying it. The proof was in his reaction, when I made it clear that I wasn't going to give it 6 months.. I was done. He wasn't sad or remorseful. He flew into a rage-- his go to was always anger, which only proved to me that he had no intention of changing. He wasn't sorry for treating me like garbage, he was pissed that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. ( I became an expert at mind F-ing.)
Given the stay at home order in most states, you may have to distance yourself from him as much as possible in the same house. At least until restrictions are lifted.
Once lifted, I'd recommend a counselor for you. Perhaps there are resources available either online or via phone right now. There is a hotline available for emotional and mental health assistance in my state.
@Adele, thank you. You're right
Submitted by pochipig on
Adele, thank you for your timely and thoughtful reply. I think that everything you say is correct. Separation is the only way I will be able to get peace and find out if this decision is the best. Which I know in my heart, it is. I know the pattern. I know the pattern. I know the pattern...... He has been remorseful before. I kicked him out last July after a rage that he had (not typical). But it happened and scared the living daylights out of me. That lasted a whole 5 days before I felt badly and said that he could come back home. Mind you, we have a building that we own. A large "shop" where he does his "work" and hobbies, and that is where he stayed during those 5 days. So it wasn't even that big of a wake up call for him before he was in a loved and comfortable place. I think a separation is indeed in order. As much, if even not more, for me than for him. I feel hopeless. I forgot to tell you guys that I begged him 2 years ago to seek specific ADHD therapy. It took him 2 YEARS to finally find someone, and that is after I kicked him out last July. Now... now that I want to leave, he keeps telling me that we need therapy. I can't help but to think.. "we could have been 2 years into it had you taken action when I asked the first time, and second time, and third time...." He just recently told me that it was because of my own stubbornness that we didn't get an adhd therapist 2 years ago, because I should know that he has adhd and would forget about it and not make it a priority (I reminded him multiple times), so I should have done it myself if I was serios about seeking help. I can't deal with his blaming "logic" anymore. Again, thank you for your reply. I know I said that I am new to the site, but what I should have stated is that I am new to posting. I have been reading these forums on ond off for years, and very much so in the recent weeks.
Your situation is mine....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm not going to write a long post that mirror's yours....I've done that for going on 7 years....You have to decide, all I can say is she has never shown the ability to daily make me (our marriage relationship) a priority...She is overwhelmed with a self absorbed mind....And like you say here, that always plays out as abandonment for the spouse....I was always the one who would reach out after a fight to make peace, and to ask her to forgive me, even though the fights always started because of me, pointing out her unconcern and indifference.....
All I know is that I, like yourself need peace....You can't have peace being forced to carry another adult, who only uses us for selfish reasons....I need to be engaged lovingly from a heart of love....All married people need a healthy attachment....We have none, it's not in her heart or mind to desire this....She like your husband is mostly a kind person toward children, grand children, and friends.....But none of that crosses over to the work of a marriage relationship....
I've lived like she didn't exist for quiet a while, (keeping my eye's on the Christ) trying to be thankful, and STOP over thinking HER.....If we allow it, they will hold us hostage in every way...NO NO!
This is just my opinion because it's happened here....When I first told my wife that I was leaving a couple of years back, she changed to a good degree....She became more responsible to wife things....It lasted a couple months at the most....A mind that justifies selfish, and independent living will never be fit to be married (only a mind that prioritizes unity can form a healthy attachment, (IMO))...Where there is no daily conscience bringing the voice of responsibility to our hearts, then there can be no consistent behaviors that are geared toward others....
So the best thing I can do for her, to show my love, is step away, (not in anger, and bitterness of heart, been there not going back) and allow her to find her own way....In my opinion the only way a mind like their's (many of us to a degree) will ever look in the mirror, is when the spouse (or people being used by them) removes themselves from their reach...
I can't use her lack of marital work as an excuse for my own sin...(That just puts us both in the ditch of selfishness).....But, I can get out of the present's of a spouse who show's no interest in her marriage vows...
What ever you do, do because it's the right thing for both of you, and be at peace with it......And just a reminder....Adulthood is about responsibility and accountability for everyone of us living and breathing.....
QUOTE: You can dodge your responsibilities, but you can’t dodge the consequences of dodging your responsibilities.
Praying for your peace....
c
Thank you C. I agree wholeheartedly
Submitted by pochipig on
C, I have been reading your posts for quite some time. My situation mirrors yours, just as you have said. I too believe that I need to leave, first for myself, but secondly for him too. He will either want to change, on his own, because he finally sees what his behaviors have caused. Maybe then he could have a possibility of a future with someone in the future. (BTW, I am his 3rd marriage!) OR... he will live happily alone, doing as he desires andwhat he is interested in, with no "distractions" as myself getting in his way. But I will no longer let him have his cake and eat it too. Meaning that, he gets to still have me here in the wings bending over backwards to the detriment of my own happiness just because "he loves me". He wants me here, he loves me, but he does not want to take the necessary steps in his own involvement to make sure that my needs are met as well. I can't go along with that anymore. And I can no longer take him blame of me "not doing enough" to make things work after YEARS of me doing all the leg work. Research. Finding adhd articles and videos and sharing them with him. Me reading multiple books on the affliction and what us partners "should do" to try to better the relationship. I've spent months of time just researching this if I were to put all the time together into one clump. I need to find my own self worth again and really, and I mean really, tell myself that I deserve and can have more someday. I am exhausted at the very least. Just hearing the words from him now that " I need to try harder and get into therapy with him" puts a pit in my stomach that I can physically feel. I will figure this out. I am strong, but my empathy makes it so hard. Again, thank you for your reply. It means a lot that you strangers, yet friends in experience, are willing to share your stories, insight and compassion. This sure is a hard thing to deal with. Never would I have ever thought that it would end up this way when I think back to the beginning.
I understand.....
Submitted by c ur self on
You sound a good deal like myself....Your spouse sounds a good deal like mine in many ways....What I have come to understand is this; people like us (strong, caring, workers, who don't feel the world owns them anything) make invalids out of people like our spouses.....The only type person who can handle them, would be the type that could match their unconcern....The type they would leave quickly.....
The only way many people will ever be responsible is when it's forced.....Being alone forces them to sink or swim....Spouses like our's love us because we are their life preserver...We make life easy for them....Of course they don't want us to leave, that means they have to slide on in the deep end and start treading water, instead of having another human keeping them afloat...
We take on double work, while they live like a child....We become the parent, because someone has to, and we wouldn't live any other way, but, being responsible to our commitments...So it's unavoidable, hopeless, and un-fixable, unless, something or somebody wakes them up to the effects their living of life has on a spouse.....After 12 years, I don't see it changing....I pray it does, but, if it does, it will happen because she becomes aware, takes ownership, and seeks help without excuse or blame...All the things my presents hinders....I'm the target, I'm the excuse......
I'm eliminating that......((((hugs))))
c
Show him the door
Submitted by adhd32 on
He is only attentive to you now that his back is against the wall. He will slowly revert once his interest wanes and he gets bored. I understand your reluctance to move forward because of the current lockdown but do not cave. Continue on with your plan even if it must wait till things get back to normal. They are always sorry when they have run out of chances but not sorry for their behavior (which they justify); maybe because they have to face the consequences. You are not responsible for his reaction to your decision, he will try and manipulate you so that his life continues on as it is, easy breezy, while you do all the work both physically and mentally. He has shown you who he is for the last 12 years.
Hi 32...
Submitted by c ur self on
I hope you are well, and enjoying your early retirement....<3
c
Dead right 32!
Submitted by pochipig on
Thank you for your comment. It has been a week now and he is doing ALL kinds of things around the house, bringing me tea every morning, making breakfast and other meals, cleaning up the kitchen, etc. This morning, he brought in the tea while I was still in bed (separate bedrooms) and I thanked him, but asked him to stop doing that. Also, I was not going to have breakfast. He then told me that we needed to have the talk about him moving out. I agreed. I had been giving him time to think about it and time to grieve himself. I think he finally started to "get it" when I asked him to stop making me tea and doing those sweet things. I also believe that he finally decided to respect my wishes of him moving out ONLY because he has contacted a mutual friend of ours. She is a fantastic friend to us both. And she said that he was owning up to a lot of his behaviors (which he has done before, but that still doesn't keep him from repeating them) and SHE told him that he may need to go ahead and move out because that would show that he was listening and respectful of my wishes and boundaries. I know he hopes that this is temporary. He asked that we meet once a week and go for a walk together. (Side note: I have asked him to walk or workout with me for years. He would not. But NOW he wants to...) He said he was going to stop drinking. I have requested that many times and he always refused. But NOW he is going to quit. (Our friend made that suggestion to him as well) I think that he is just moving out to try to fix things... and my sneaking suspicion is that he will not quit drinking... he will not go to therapy... he will not make necessary changes. My mind is made up and I am moving forward to separation and divorce. All of this is very sad. When we were talking, we were both crying, both being kind and compassionate and vowed to remain friends. He will be moving out this evening into a commercial building we own. It's not ideal, but temporary until Covid lifts and he can find something more comfortable. MY QUESTION IS.... has anyone experienced anything like this when finally deciding to call it quits? And if so.... how long did it take for the sadness to dispel some and be replaced with the freedom of less tension and hopes for a more positive future. I am hoping it's pretty quick relief!!!! I could use a little uplifting. But even if it's not uplifting, I would still appreciate your comments.
Hyperfocus
Submitted by Dagmar on
He's hyperfocused on you right now. Before, he was focused on his hobbies and couldn't focus on you. Now he's hyperfocused on your relationship. I'm not even sure it's being manipulative.
This is why my husband and I have stayed together for so long. He gets hyperfocused on something, treats me like shit for having a problem with the amount of time and energy he is devoting to something when he's letting everything else slide, I have enough, break up with him, he fixes everything and is hyperfocused on me until the next thing happens and the cycle repeats.