I just made this account now after trying to find help & info online. So, here's my ''story''...
I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year and it's long distance. Problem is.. I just don't understand what he expects from me regarding his anger issues caused by ADHD. He gets so angry over little things, so I try to explain my side but he just flips out, expecting me to take it. And I do, mostly.. I just don't know when I need to back off because he can't help it, or when he's actually being mean and I need to stand up for myself.
I'm sick of saying sorry when it wasn't even me that did anything bad. Any time I get mad at something, he says I'm doing it on purpose to provoke him. But when I'm being accused of wanting to leave him for someone else, not caring about him, and being told I can't have male friends without it making him mad, of course I react. I didn't use to.. I would reassure him in the nicest way possible, but after a year of these constant problems, I can't hold my temper all of the time.
He says I don't understand his ADHD, and to be honest he's right. Because he doesn't explain anything to me. The things I find out online only help to a certain extent. He says I need to speak to his parents to learn how to control him.. Basically he just expects me to control him and put up with his anger instead of him recognising what he's doing. I do understand he can't help it, but sometimes he seems to use it as an excuse so he can act however he wants and I get the blame for not knowing how to deal with it.
I don't even know if any of this makes sense, because I'm so out of my depth with this...
No, It's not your job to control him
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It is unreasonable of your partner to ask you to 'control him' or his anger. His anger is his responsibility to control, and there are definitely ways to do it. For example, he could optimize his treatment of his ADHD and make anger a target symptom (see my treatment chapter at this online treatment guide for details about good treatment). He could learn mindfulness meditation, which would likely help him think before bursting out in anger and respond to his emotions better. He could exercise more for better stress management. He could learn what 'triggers' him, and find ways to avoid those triggers...
You get the idea.
What he shouldn't do (and what you most DEFINITELY don't want to be partner to) is rely on someone else to control his anger. Now that I've written it that way, doesn't the whole idea sound stupid?! How could you possibly control his anger?!
You should get to know ADHD...and so should he. Right now he's not taking responsibility for his symptoms and he MUST take responsibility for his ADHD if he is going to be a good partner to you...even if in so doing he decides that he doesn't wish to do much about it. But pawning it off on you? No way! That road leads to much misery.
Stop apologizing for him (and to him!) unless you genuinely have something to apologize for. Don't let him manipulate your behavior. Stand up for being the warmest, nicest, most respectful person you can be...to YOU as well as to him. And see where it goes. If he doesn't get his act together and become a partner with whom you can feel safe...move on.
<<<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
He says I need to speak to his parents to learn how to control him.
<<<
Sadly, many parents of ADHD kids "take the easy way out". Instead of helping their kids become more mindful or aware to help mitigate their ADHD, these (lazy) parents find it "easier" just to avoid their child's "hot button issues".
My mother-in-law was like that. Instead of taking H to a therapist to help him learn how to control his anger, she'd bend over backwards to "make sure" that he was rarely upset. That meant that she didn't correct bad behaviors, gave him whatever he wanted, didn't have him do chores, etc.
What your BF means is that he expect YOU to learn how to avoid his "hot button" issues.
Wrong.