My (42F) boyfriend (43) and I broke up recently. Our relationship was so awesome at the beginning and then everything just seemed to come crashing down after we moved in together. I broke up with him after 3 months of living together. The breakup lasted 4 months. In July we got back together then I ended it about a week ago. I've been trying to make sense of what happened. Then it clicked for me. He told me once in passing that as a child a doctor told his mom he has ADHD. She ignored it. She was very neglectful and abusive as a parent. I've done some research and he checks an alarming number of boxes as far as characteristics of a person with ADHD. The hyper-focused courtship at the beginning then the abrupt loss of interest. Now the hyper-focus is on his "hobby" (obsession). Overspending on said obsession at the expense of necessary financial obligations. Has things related to obsession laying around all over his apartment all the time. The forgetfulness. Has trouble paying attention when I'm talking and always wants to be the one talking. Always wants to talk about his obsession. If we would watch anything other than an action movie he would get bored and zone out. Interrupts me very frequently. Will avoid serious conversations. Has a serious problem with dealing with conflict (also views productively dealing with problems as conflict). Has pretty severe anxiety disorder. Has a tendency to break promises when we make plans for something I want to do, especially if it interferes with his obsession. His obsession, by the way is airsofting. This is basically paintball but with BBs. Essentially he likes to go out and shoot a bunch if people with toy guns. Also seems to fit in with ADHD (needing a high level of stimulation). I still have hope for this relationship. I'm not ready to completely give up on it just yet. We have other complications (his family) but I feel like we need to address one issue at a time. I believe lack of treatment for the condition has caused most of our problems. He and I are currently not speaking. My thought now is that he doesn't realize the damage the condition had on our relationship. I thought that if I mail him some info that might be an eye opener for him and he'll get help for it. What are your thoughts on this? Does anyone else have any additional ideas on what I can do? I'm also planning on writing him a letter about this. I could use some advice on what to say in it. Also, has anyone else been in a similar situation and made it work?
New here. Need some advice please
Submitted by dmbrown1120 on 09/28/2021.
You need to focus on you.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I understand and directly relate to your experiences with your partner. His behavior is real and is unlikely to change. You can't 'fix him' (and you'll come to intense personal grief if you continue to try.) I recommend you read through several topics on this site that span other people's experiences of their lives interacting with an ADHD partner. You need to focus on you.
You need to focus on you.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I understand and directly relate to your experiences with your partner. His behavior is real and is unlikely to change. You can't 'fix him' (and you'll come to intense personal grief if you continue to try.) I recommend you read through several topics on this site that span other people's experiences of their lives interacting with an ADHD partner. You need to focus on you.
I attempted
Submitted by goldenchild321 on
Hi first I would like to say my heart goes out to you. I met the love of my life at 39 never felt like this in any other relationship. It was everything I wanted and then unmanaged adhd took over. I like you didn't know much about it and she would mention small things but it wasn't until a issue that I could go back and pinpoint things based on my research. I read is it me, you or adult adhd, the adhd affect on marriage,articles on additudemag, and videos on YouTube - how to adhd. I would say educate yourself as much as possible. I am huge on supporting the person you are with and being there but also this has to be something he is willing to work at himself also. He has to acknowledge it and be open to making plans and some of these challenges you will always have its more about managing them. I learned a lot from reading (C ur self) post on here. He offers a very clear reality based message in all his post. My ex and I dated for a year and two months, broke up for two months and got back together and broke up a month later. I am all for writing the letter and sending information. I did it and sent her one of the books I was reading at the time. I'm not sure if she read it because we had broken up during that time. I'm for following your heart just take care of yourself and your needs in the process. One of the best books I read during my time trying to figure everything out was called Nonviolent Communication. They even do a daily meditation that's free and helped me communicate differently with her. I know what it feels like to see the best in someone, to enjoy these magical moments, and then in the same day be derailed. Unmanaged adhd is a challenge for the person living with it and anyone dating that person. Have grace on yourself - I hope this helps.
Thank you
Submitted by Range_Rover_17 on
This is great information and very helpful. Currently considering divorcing my ADHD SO after years of our relationship becoming more and more dysfunctional. Realizing I can't control most of what's going on and the best thing would be to just take care of myself at this point. He is in denial.
Was he looking to be treated
Submitted by SamBamiteko_ on
Was he looking to be treated
You can try
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I think you can provide him with the information on ADHD-impacted relationships and present that you're willing to work on the relationship if he is. The thing is, there is a lot of work for the person with ADHD to do. It's medication plus a lot of behavioral change. If he is distraught over losing you, this may be work he's eager to do. If he is going about his life, happily playing paintball and living as he likes, he may not see the point in changing anything. My ex-husband would rather lose the relationship than do the work. Paying bills on time, organizing his belongings into a livable state and focusing with intent on our relationship were no match for his obsession. However, I think there are also people with ADHD who see that certain behaviors aren't working in their lives and relationships and they want to make the changes. It all depends on your boyfriend really. You can't make him understand or get treatment or even care. But you're just talking about mailing information, so why not. :) I just wouldn't place too much hope in his response or lack of response. If you decide to mail the information, I would perhaps work on moving on once the letter's in the box, knowing you did what you could do. You seem to have a huge heart and a lot to give a person. If not him, there is someone else out there who will appreciate that giving nature and give YOU as much back as you're willing to give them.