Okay, so I really don't have time to be on the internet right now (because the world would stop breathing if I forgot to remind it to), and nothing upsets me more than people who spend hours on the internet when they have plenty of grownup things to do (okay, maybe a few things upset me more, but that's up there). I have never felt such a pull to join an online community before, though, so I'd like to offer a big hello. I just read ADHD and Marriage last night... couldn't put it down, though tears were streaming down my cheeks throughout most of it. I'm sure I will vent further details eventually, but by way of introduction, I have been married for 15 years to a man who spent his childhood on Ritalin and ditched it (and a belief in ADHD) the first chance he got when he was out of school. We have three daughters who I worry about every day, knowing that over the years I have inadvertantly taught them what it is "okay" to put up with in a marriage. I almost feel like I have an obligation to leave, just so they have a better chance at healthy relationships in their own lives. Yet -- here I am.
We've had a very interesting past six months or so, and I was definitely ripe to run across this book (and community) when I did.
Mayana, me too
Submitted by jennalemone on
I too think about my obligation to leave just so my kids have a better chance at healthy relationships in their own lives. I should have left when I was younger....I mean. Both my sons are divorced now. They "gave" too much to their spouses too and didn't watch a healthy back and forth of working through things together as a team or trusting intimacy. They saw me taking care of things and putting up with unacceptable behavior. They saw me being emotional or quiet.
I feel stronger and more rational now. But along the way my self confidence and love of life is much less than when I was younger. I compromised too much for the sake of trying to make a marriage work and not expecting enough from my spouse. So much for the current mindset of "having no expectations". Without expectations there are no standards. How does one become a person of ethics and character without standards and expectations?
Obligation to leave is for you....
Submitted by Emily1997 on
I spent 16 yrs. in a difficult marriage when he wasn't diagnosed. I worked to make a happy marriage as I had been raised that is what you do, even when your partner does not. I dealt w/ a roller coaster of emotions and anger. We went to marriage counseling 4 times and I poured myself into it again. I read countless books and websites on how to save/build a marriage. I dealt w/ it all.....until I developed health problems shortly after he was diagnosed. Don't get me wrong it actually became easier after he was diagnosed. I didn't dwell in the past and learned all I could. I signed up for this page, I read books, I watched YT videos....the problem was like before, he put forth little effort and often said "that is just how I am".
To cope w/ my health problems and avoid medications I learned to meditate and two years of that made me realize my stress was my husband and I had a mild anxiety attack. I went into counseling. I then took it all to him. He spent 3 hours telling me his side of things. He tried some counseling, we tried couples counseling when he is up to it. He is now honest on why he said things throughout the years and feels that he now loves me but what do I have left?
I finally read "Good Enough to Stay, Bad Enough to Leave". I could only handle a chapter at a time...it was that difficult for me to face. We are now working on being healthy happy individuals. My marriage is not an emotionally safe place for me and I don't know how long I am supposed to wait for that to occur. I've waited 1.5 years only for him to tell me "marriage should not be hard work" and "I'll get to you after my vacation".
You owe it to yourself to have a healthy happy life, especially if you are setting the example for children. You try your best and then let it go. We can't change nor control others and there is no reason to harm ourselves for the word "marriage".
This page needs a thread for life after the ADD relationship as I think it will take years for me to heal.