Hi everyone I am new to this site and just wanted to get some opinions after you read some of the stuff that I have been through.
I am 37 years old and have been married for 10 years we have a 9 year old daughter, I don't even know where to begin honestly, so I will just start by saying... I think I cannot go on any longer, my husband has a very short temper and if something doesn't go right for him it is always my fault and then the fight begins, I get called very mean names and I believe if you really love that person you would not be calling them names. He always fights with me on the holiday so that he does not have to go to my family's house but the only person he is hurting is his young daughter. I had surgery done a couple of months ago he dropped me off at the hospital with my mom and told me he was going to park the car in a garage only to get a phone call screaming that no garage would take his truck which I didn't believe there are tons of parking garages so he said he was going home and he wasn't joking either thank Goodness my mom was there with me he showed up again at the hospital 5 minutes before I got out of surgery, again just goes to show me he has no respect for me. We went on a family vacation together and all we did was fight he wouldn't wake up to go for bfast with myself or his daughter I spent everyday of that vacation crying.
Also he has cheated on me and watches porn all the time but still wants sex from me he can call me a bitch one minute and the next minute he wants to get in my pants which is a total turn off for me. Not only porn but I always see female escort services popping up on his computer.....grosses me out.
I had to bail him out of debt like 4 times in our marriage and it is only getting worse he steals my credit cards and takes cash advances out on them or he takes money from our checking account and doesn't tell me in less than 2 mths he withdrew 1,800 mind you he also works and makes a good salary, he never tells me what he is spending the money on. It was last week when I went to the bank and they told me that my account was in the negative this is not the first time he has done this. I sleep with my purse by myside and take it all over the house with me so he cannot go through it.
I can go on and on but I get tired of hearing myself, I think I am done...I am burnt toast.....
Oh and rarely helps around the house, and if he does he will start something and never finish my foyer is half painted for almost a year now
I need any advice I can get
Thank YOu
You're not alone
Submitted by Almost Over Now on
Lap24, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You're a strong and big-hearted person to have put in this effort to make the marriage work for so many years for the sake of the love you shared and for your daughter. You came to the right place - so many spouses of partners with ADHD have lived through exactly what you're describing - you're not alone. Spend some time here and read everything everyone else has gone through. It will really help you to put this experience in perspective and see it for what it is - your spouse has a brain disorder that is not being treated adequately and you've bravely tried to understand and keep the marriage together. You might find ideas here about how to get him into successful treatment, or the information you need to know that leaving him is the best thing to do. Whatever you decide, though, it sounds like things are at the breaking point. For your own well-being and that of your daughter, things can't go on like this anymore. You need to see change. Know that and act on that knowledge.
I can relate in ways....
Submitted by tser_80 on
I have some of the same issues with my husband, I got really sick after the birth of my son, and I had to have my husband take me to the emergency room. I ended up having congestive heart faliure and pulminary edema, it was horrible. I remember laying in the emergency room on oxygen, not being able to breath and listening to my husband complain how uncomfortable he was, and how late it was, and that he wasn't going to get any sleep. It hurt me really badly and felt like I was totally insignificant to him. I almost died, and afterward for years he acted like I had exaggerated my illness. Then after the birth of my second child it happened again, and he complained about having to take me to the emergency room, telling me it was all in my head and that going in was a waste of time and money. I ended up in the ICU for almost a week. And he never even apologized to me for not believing me.
During my first pregnancy when I was about 8 months along, he started complaining that he 'wasn't getting any' I tried to explain that when you are pregnant, sex isn't exactly comfortable. He flipped out and told me he was just going to have to look at porn, and he did. And when we have bad fights, that's one of the first things he does. Ironically, in the beginning of our relationship he told me he never wanted to bring it into our relationship. We had a huge fight about it and I told him if he ever did it again I would leave him. I haven't found any evidence of it, but I have my suspicions. How could I not?
I remember we went on a trip before wewere married because things were rocky in our relationship. His sister told him that I had had a threesome because of a misunderstanding (this is something I would never do) and we got into a fight. I thought we went to try to get away and talk, but it ended up with me being accused and insulted the entire trip. I cried the whole time we were gone. I even got on the phone and tracked down the guy he thought I had the threesome with. I proved to him that I had not done it, but the insults and accusations still continued after that! I actually tried to leave him not long after we got back. But then I found out I was pregnant. So I decided to try to make things work.
He also calls me names and finds ways to hurt me where he thinks he can do the most damage. He calls me fat, tells me I'm a bad mother, compares me to people he hates, and his exes. He also complains about everyone else in the world who gets in his way.
He also will (just out of the blue) on days I think everything is going fine, all the sudden will go on about how he is unhappy in our relationship and not sure if he wants to be with me.
Financially, I can't relate. I am a stay-at-home Mom and he does work very hard to support our family. Which is one of the things that keeps or relationship going. He at least cares enough to work hard for us. If he was constantly stealing money from me though and refuses to tell me what he spent it on, of course I would think the worst and I really doubt I would put up with it. Frankly, that is extremely messed up. If you can afford to you should hire a personal investigator and find out exactly what he is spending it on!
I have to tell you also that if my husband cheated on me with someone, that would just prove to me that he doesn't love me. I would leave him. It's easier said than done, I know. Especially when there are kids involved. I think we both need to ask ourselves if we want our children to grow up in this situation. I would ask him if he is willing to go to family therapy, let him know you are concerned with the direction your marriage is going. Oh, and NEVER give him a reason to think it is all his fault, even though it is. He will resent you and it will get worse, Use the term 'we' instead of 'you'. If your husband is like mine he will totally freak out if you give him any reason at all to think that he is the one needing the therapy. Probably tell you that you think you are perfect and turn it around to make you look like 'the bad guy'. I don't know if your husband is on medication but that is a good option if he is willing. It has helped my husband a lot, I have the most issues with him now when he doesn't take it or if he forgets. It's a lot better than dealing with it ALL day long that's for sure.
Oh, I think I would hire someone to finish painting for you. or attempt it yourself. :) ( Maybe if he seen you in there painting it might wake him up a little bit.)My husband had a hard time finishing things he starts too. I read that it is typical for someone with ADHD. I hate that my husband doesn't help around the house too. But I also read that it might help for the spouse to write down a schedule of what needs to be done. I personally have not tried that yet, of course your husband has to be willing to accept that type of help.
I hope that I have helped you out, and I wish you the best of luck.
He needs the loudest of all wakeup calls
Submitted by happycamper13 on
In my humble opinion, you need to kick him out for a while. No one deserves to be verbally abused, and no little girl needs to live in a house with that abuse going on. The cheating thing is over the top. I know because I'm dealing with infidelity too, and the only thing that is saving our marriage is me getting a break while he sorts his life out, gets treatment and proves he deserves me. Whether he gets it or not, you need the break to figure out what you want in this life and if he is capable of providing even the minimum you need. You deserve to be happy, to love and appreciate yourself and to be loved and appreciated by whomever you choose to call your family.
My husband is a nice guy and not abusive...but his behavior was too much for me to live with once the cheating information came out on top of everything else. Not having to take care of him has let me breathe, be nicer and stay closer to saving our marriage. And he's KILLING himself to do everything he can right now to live right and win me back, and his weak moments and screw ups have much less impact on my day to day life. I have all the time in the world to make up my mind and to wait and see who he can really be.
I don't know if that's what your husband would do, but at a minimum, you can get a break from all the work, decide if he really deserves you and watch how he reacts to losing you. It will help you get your confidence and self-worth back in place, and provide a positive example of self-love for your daughter. It may also really show you who you are dealing with...whether its a good guy with ADHD or whatever...or someone who is never going to get it and enjoy a respectful, loving life with you.
Good luck with everything. There are lots of people here for you.