Submitted by NeedToBreathe on 07/23/2014.
Good morning everyone!
I'm brand new to this forum after finding out my hubbys issues are directly related to ADD. My counselor suggested it could be the cause of his lack of attention, spending all day either in front of the TV or laptop and all the piles of stuff everywhere in our house. I stumbled upon this site and have been reading everything I can get my hands on. I ordered the ADD Effect on Marriage which should be here tomorrow.
I'm glad to see I'm not alone but also a bit discouraged that this is such a problem. I can identify myself in so many areas of the forums that it's overwhelming at times. Any direction you can give me as a "newbie" to this issue would be appreciated. Thanks all
Hi Needtobreathe....
Submitted by c ur self on
Some suggestions:
Definitely read the book, it will educate you on the effects of add/adhd...I few things that may help is try not to over focus on the term add/adhd, it can be overwhelming. Do not treat him like he is broken and its your responsibility to fix him...Also do not give into mothering or trying to take on all the responsibilities of managing the home and family etc...Do not let yourself get angry or bitter because of the way he lives his life, remember it's his life and if he changes some of his behaviors he will have to see the need for it...add or not! Keep your focus on loving him and supporting him (support is not enablement of bad behaviors)...Give him encouragement and affirmation when he does something well, just like you would like from him for your efforts in the home and family. Hope this helps...
Ugh!
Submitted by NeedToBreathe on
Unfortunately, I've already blew most of those. I knew he had ADD and the behavior of inattentiveness, messiness, piles of stuff everywhere has been going on for 5 years. My counselor is the one who actually made the connection last week.
I will read the book and learn from it. The problem is that I have taken on all the responsibility; bills, house, cooking, working etc. We do not have kids thank goodness. I'm 51 and he's 55. I'm frustrated and tired of being the responsible one. I'm a shell of my former self... always taking care of things while he sits in front of the TV/Laptop/Phone playing solitaire or whatever. I've dealt with the porn addiction, constant lying and the forgetting of the little and the big things. I'm depressed and feel alone in the world.
With the forgetfulness (mostly an excuse) I've put up a white board to make lists, got him a planner, gave him a list via email while I'm at work. It does nothing. He'll empty the dishwasher but always leave things for me to put away (he knows where they go) or he'll do laundry and not fold them. I do all the cooking, the majority of the pet care and make sure the bills are paid.
I've been let down so much I have no fight left in me. He swears up and down things will change and they do. For a day. Then it's all back to the same ole thing. I hate having people come over since the house is a train wreck on a good day. I work full time, he works 16 hours a week. I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is a state holiday and I"m debating on going to work or taking the day. Isn't that sad? When I actually am thinking of working on a holiday just to avoid the crap at home?
I guess this turned into a rant. I'm just so frustrated and tired.
Sounds like you've been looking in the window ;)
Submitted by c ur self on
I love your honesty...I just accidently erased my reply...I've got to run, but I may can give you some tips, or at least share some things...I'm 57 my wife has add and is 53. She sounds just like your husband in many ways and I sound like you :)
Please go to counseling together....
Submitted by c ur self on
Me and many more on this forum deals with or have dealt with exactly this same type of behavior you are stating here...And, we are going through or have gone through the same emotions you have listed here. All most of us want in a marriage is a partner who loves us, who looks at life from a responsible frame of reference. Who does not think it odd to work 40 hours a week or more to support their family. Who is responsible enough to keep the bills paid, and help around the house and yards...But, the reality is you don't have one, and neither do most of us...So the question is are we going to let the lifestyles of the one's we do have cause us to be______________? You can put any thing you want on that line cause most of us who desire to see ourselves already have found out what all we can be. What causes us or at least myself to NOT want to put anything on the line is I am the one who has or had the same list you do...Job, house, yards, bills, groceries, laundry, children in some cases. Holding it all together when it comes to responsibilities and still having to fight off someone who try's to control and manipulate us based on their fun loving way, and irresponsible life style. So the question remains who has the problem here? This is why you go to counseling together. A responsible third party will piss you off when he looks at you and tells you what should be on that line..But you and the rest of us who are mad, angry, bitter, etc..need to here it...Just like this same third party is going to tell your mate he's a freeloader and is shirking his responsibilities and dumping on the person he is setting there claiming to love. It's a real good chance you want be able to work this out without help...So many of us regardless if we have add or not, when we feel victimized we absolutely will struggle and live with our list of facts, holding onto the bitterness, because its our protection. Nothing will change by continuing to do the same things over and over act/react...and expecting different results...You will need to get out of your comfort zone because love isn't doing what your doing. Love is setting boundaries and working for a new start, where you both attend to the responsibilities of life, where you see yourselves and desire the beauty of oneness and a interdependent life together. It's up to you, you can be a regular on this forum telling each day about what your husband did we want believe and how tired you are. Are you can set down and tell him how it's going to be if you stay in this marriage. Blessings needtobreathe I will pray for your marriage.