Submitted by ryanarlan22 on 01/22/2016.
I have some questions. I'm 24, and was just diagnosed with ADHD. I know that therapy takes time, and I'm working on it, but I had a few questions/was looking for some advice.
For as long as I can remember, I have lied when I either forgot something or when I was asked about an impulsive action. I don't mean to, but I think that the constant shame I feel over constantly feeling like a disappointment to my family and my fiancee is the root cause of it. I've felt that way for as long as I can remember, and now I have a problem with impulsively lying. For example, on an impulse I made a mistake (this was pre-diagnosis), and when my fiancee found out without thinking about it I lied. She's upset (as she should be) not so much about the mistake I made (no, it wasn't an affair but for the sake of brevity I'm just calling it "my mistake") but more so about the lying. I didn't really mean to lie or to make the mistake I made, it was just like an impulsive response that I couldn't stop, and once I was in it I couldn't get myself out of it.
Is this common? Do other people have the same problem? Will continuing my ADHD treatment (medication and CBT) help this, or is there maybe something else wrong that I should see another doctor about? Does anyone have any advice that's had this problem and gotten past it?
Thanks
The shame and hiding is the problem....
Submitted by c ur self on
Did you notice how easy it was to type this truth about yourself to complete strangers? If you are truthful with your therapist he/she can give you tools to help with this....What hinders us from being truthful is the shame of who we have allowed ourselves to become. So our Pride tells us to ignore or hide it....Or at least that's the way it works for me....I suggest at some point when you are capable, that you write letters (I like letters, to avoid the emotions) to the people that are negatively impacted by your actions.....Just be as truthful with them as you are with us... Your ability to humble yourself and be truthful will mean more to them and the relationships than you can ever know...
C
That's a great idea.
Submitted by ryanarlan22 on
That's a great idea. Sometimes it's really hard to find the words to say, maybe writing a letter will help.
Thanks!
Ryan
This happens in my marriage
Submitted by LostInVA on
This happens in my marriage with my ADHD spouse. He tries very hard and I don't think he lies a lot. At least he says that he doesn't want to be that kind of person. I've caught him in a couple of lies recently (in the last year, so it's definitely rare); but now I question how many lies I haven't "caught". I was struck with how easily he lied. Problem with lying is that it makes the person lied to question a lot more. Also, our son lied about a major thing a few days ago and what made me really angry was that my husband didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I asked him what he told our son and all he said was "at least you fessed up finally". That's it!!! He didn't fess up- he was caught in the lie because I saw from his phone locator that he wasn't where he said he was supposed to be. I see my husband's reaction to my son's lie disturbing. I feel like he's teaching our son, lying isn't a big deal. THAT in turn, makes me question how many times my husband has lied. I really thought he was one of the MOST honest people I have ever met and I've told him that and many others. Sadly, I don't think I feel that way anymore. I never really questioned his honesty before; but now I do and maybe I'm catching his lies more because I don't just blindly believe everything he says like I used to. I think back on so many things that I though didn't make sense to me, but I accepted because of my trust in him. We've talked about it, but it doesn't seem to help. He gets so angry about politicians lying to get what they want. I think it's somewhat hypocritical. I don't want to see him this way, but I can't help it now. I feel sad that he's lost my trust. I have a really difficult time trusting anyway and I thought he was different. Maybe that was too much responsibility for him. I think he bends the truth in order to serve himself. But, I guess most if not all people do that. Then, I don't think he should be such a fanatic about honesty in politics. THAT is his "thing". Every time he talks about that, I can't help but think of his own actions. He says he doesn't want to be that kind of person. Frustrating. I want our son to grow up being honest and just taking responsibility for his actions and choices. For the most part, I think he does. Honesty is so important to me and I know it's a "trigger" for me- something from my childhood that certainly affects me greatly as an adult. We've had a tough two years with betrayal; but I think I do think much of our problem is related to his impulsivity from his ADHD. I really try to remember that; but it's tough sometimes (tough a lot is more accurate). I think if you can keep in mind that the more honest you are, the more respect you'll get from your partner; which will eventually add up to more trust in the long run. Be proud of each time you tell the truth, when your inclination is to "save yourself with a lie". It will reinforce that behavior and I hope will get you to change your default. I think a "man" is brave enough to face the consequences. I realize that the impulsive lie is a reaction to years of feeling inadequate; a self esteem protective measure; but honesty DESERVES trust and respect. You will feel better about yourself because you are fighting against something BIG (the effect ADHD has on your self esteem).