Hi everyone. So...here I am: trying to sit, stop prolonging... and write this post (again). Last night. When I found this site..I thought: Wow! The story of my life and found momentary comfort-being understood. It soon was followed with fear and anxiety; and a world of questions or moreso: guidence at this point. Oh yeah...sorry..so I wrote and replied to a post that hit me expecially hard. And somehow, right when I got done with a surprisingly long response, I deleted or lost it all. Sigh...REALLY!? Right now...of all the times when I'm reading about my (challenging) ADHD life, here, I couldn't even get that right. ....breath.... Ok. I'm back.
The original post was regarding a non ADDer who was dating an ADDer and was wondering if she should break up with him. It got pretty intense. A lot of angry and frustrated spouses/others out there...Seeking santuary in this site for a safe place to be heard and understood.
I don't even know where to begin.
Do go wayy back to the start, childhood abuse: physically and mentally, POOR and starving, and Adopted from Asia at an older age than normal. Old enough that from the first time I stepped off the plane into the US..I was weighed with baggage. I could go on that forever too but lets move one..At age 19, I started to date a 29 yr old man. We were together for 8.5 years! : : The last 5 yrs where pretty much mental manipulation and mind control ---He had/has a signifcant Porn Addiction which he was NOT seeker help. I cant even discribe the mental "F" I went thru...trying to help...be patient and understanding. Oh yeah!! Can't forget: he somehow convinced me to also get a night job, after my full time day job. Night job: Stripper! Ever mans dreams...huh!? Dating a 19yr old stripper. ..for his 30th B-Day, he told me he wanted to have a three some....him, me, 2 of his friends, which I knew and whoever I can confince at the strip club. So. Happy Birthday. Somewhere in there, he convinced me to move to Madison WI for awhie (working outta sate for awhile). So I quite both jobs and amlessly followed this man into an absolute new environment with no plans.
I came back home: Jobless and lost. I entered this dark dark place in my world that overcame me and I couldn't change it. I did a lot of rec drugs and made art. I didn't leave my appartment for 6 mo!!! One day, I woke up: REALLY pumped w anger and decided to go outside...into the world. I got therapy for the years of manipulation and mind F (never good for an adolesent girl n esteem). Suddenly, as quick as it came...I then decided to go back to school that I've been trying to finish forever!!! Short lived. Nothing but tonz of student loans. I found I could only do really well in One of my classes. All the rest, I somehow erased them of something. ..... so ........... After the end of school...the darkness came again. ( At that time the older man and I were still living together and more just "friends".) - Dont judge! My minds been played around with for so long. ...anyways... I sat in the darkness (which I have now been reading into ADHD paralaysis) - this is sooo true for me. Transitions are the "END" of me and appearently is my trigger. .......again.... suddenly one day with the same urgency of anger: I decided to join the National Guard!! ! YUP. Sure did. So there I was: 'stable' again. I did some independant work for the older guy ( had to --- went to school for and paid really well), and had the Guard money to help. Life was good. Life was sunny and I drove with windows down, heat cranked (still too early for it but it was nice) and blaring happy music on my way home.
My life was stable..I had the excitement of many men - (2) - complicated but I only 'turned' monogomous with this last boyfriend. ... and the inevitable happened. Deployment. Yeah...Iraq for a year. My mind changed dramatically and now I was working full time at the armory. It was a crazy ...long and stressful time preparing.
The One Thing I Have Discovered.....
Submitted by kellyj on
since I was diagnosed with ADHD (over 10 years ago ) is......that things have only changed for the better once I really put my mind to it. Unfortunately....it never seems to happen as fast as I would like it to. I've had to learn this and have come to accept it whether I like it or not. You can only do so much ( or think about it for so long ) before you get saturated and have to take a break before moving forward again.
My only advise to you right now.....make sure you give yourself a break! It will get only get better in time...it always does.
FYI: the " REALLY pumped w anger .......suddenly one day with the same urgency of anger" part of your post I can really relate to. I don't know if this has anything to do with ADHD or not but I usually get my best work done and do amazing things myself when I get this way. I can definitely relate!
Good Luck
J
First off...I want to thank
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
First off...I want to thank you for your response. Secondly....AAAAHhhhh!!! It happened AGAIN! Right in the middle of my response....whhoooosh...gone. WTF!? sorry...had to get that out. I figured it out and put something under the tiny 'delete' key behind backspace. I'll come back for more...once I've chilled out. hehe but true.
My ex is in IT and I always get/now got the old computers that obviously worked (after tweeking) but was wayy..out dated. so sometimes there are "special" querks with them. Maybe like me. and all the other ADDers out there. So..it's been a few days since I started this...I think I even get 'bored' typing. Yah, I researched, condensed the chaos of my thoughts other wise known as 'notes' rewrote with headers and even bullets. Talked to HIM again explaining my new findings of my diagnosis and pretty much focused on "empathy"...reading and putting myself in his shoes. Such as:: (probably) ' feeling unheard' -- leading to him feeling ignored, frustrated, angry then and of course....resentful. We could even go as far as to say: disrespected.' I read him an example of a spouse to an ADDer who said, " We have bills, no groceries, the kids homework...need to put gas in the car..and my wife says: I think I'm going to make curtains!" OMG!! I had jus done the same thing a few weeks ago...shower curtains..instead. And NO. Still not done. Up but not done.
I broke it down to the general things I learned, how it affects me, relationships, how it affects/has affected us..what ADDers need (such as: our own safety retreat zone) and what needs to be done. Oh yeah..and some random definitions of Love. Real quick: Love is a decision. Love is not a noun. It is an action, a verb. Feelings come and go...but Love always stays with you. and blah blah blah. I really want to go on.
In the end. I was pleaing with him...pretty much 'begging' - depressing thought, but well worth the effort. Give us a CHANCE. a redo. I then told him how through my readings..A head doc said: Most often: when couples leave a relationship where there still are things that could have been done....it leads to regret.
Conclusion: he stood up...took a few steps and said: "Well, I'm glad you got some answers." (silence)..."I'm done talking. (grabs his head of 'pain'?) ...I'm talked out."
And that was that. Me alone and alone...with my thoughts. Great.
April 1st, starts my lease in my new place. oh dear god...overwhelming and sad. I've been describing these past few days as: horrifically enlightening. Some say ..it gets better...others...you learn to cope...and I'm sure there are those out there too exhausted to type. Even if you have to lie: Please tell me it all gets better and its actually great! ..... I know. I really want to 'shut down'...but I cant. I can't I can't I can't. OMG!!! Am I supposed to say: I can I can I can do this!!!??! Alright. Need to stop now. starting to spin a bit.
Thanks again for the vent ses and your listening ears.
Getting through it
Submitted by jennalemone on
I spin a bit too sometimes. It will be better tomorrow. Get through this day. Keep writing if it helps. My counselor has taught and reminded me to use EFT. Emotional Freedom Technique. It actually makes a person feel better. It is tapping certain places on your head repeating certain phrases in sequence. Sounds goofy but it works. It is like praying and meditating and exercise and talking and being listened to. Not a cure-all but tools to get through tough patches. You can do this. Things will be all right.
Thanks. Its amazing how a
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
Thanks. Its amazing how a few line of gentle (yet strong) positive words from a stranger can suddenly change your day and remind you: If this isn't working..try something different!. I like this EFT thing. I will have to ask my Head Doc tomorrow. The concept sounds strong and just the thought of it calms me. I'm amazed at the transformation (ps. Im horrible at those) that I am now in.....and...heading into. Willingly and timid. I wonder..If I really want to stay here..and have "this" life..with 'this' guy...dealing with the same shit that you poor frustrated and obviously Angry non Adder( mostly woman so far..) spouses / partners are legitimately going thru. Or...I'm just scared and don't like the thought of change. Am I co defendant?
As I sit and read multiple post...I can relate. To both side. Yes: Absolutely I am ADHD. A lot of things make sense to me now...as in how I've felt growing up..adolescent years and 'almost' mother days. Felt...acted and how I've affected others then and now! Currently as we speak! Check list: CHK for ever undesirable 'common' symptoms of thought process. All of you suffering, frustrated and angry spouses/partners out there: Yes!..you have the right to feel resentful and unheard. .. I would be too. Why do you 'have to' be the only responsible one while I(we) drift into a land that is free and clear of treacherous ground and grief. But just to let you know: please know: at least in my case and situation: it wasn't-isn't intentional. But the weight and absolute paralysis of reality kept me from helping you with: all the things...I'm not listing ...you know their are too many to say. We're you ready to "Go Out There?" and face the horror of life at times..where you stable enough..to interact with EVERYONE....? .No. But you did. and you let us...me..and my crap...stay here in this lovely house that we(you) worked so diligently on/for, and I came to go for the ride and helped to make it a home. Isn't that the definition of a parasite???!!?..have you ever thought of me...probably. ...
There is suffering in life. Or...There can be suffering in life. Hard times that knock you down and leave you for the scavenger and night dweller to gorge themselves. We've "endured" ..or moreso; have been forced to deal with those knockers. We went thru it alone and we didn't have to. We could have been one another's rock n pillar. Withdrawn..cold, angry and resentful...my head is down with tears and a heavy heart. I'm Sooo Sorry. I alienated you and left you for the night dwellers. I became one them and sucked from the generousity that you gave.....provided. I cornered you and gave you no choice. You would never do that to me...leave me alone to rot in my own poverty but stuff. I got angry out of defense and loneliness. Instead of words to unite, I boastfully screamed and went hysteric. Confusion of communication or lack there of. Alone is the end. You endured, grew stronger and are moving forward while I stand alone.
I'm sorry, your sorry, he said she said!. Someone take the blame. Someone needs to own up to the demise of our connection and love. ..it's nobodys TOTAL fault. It takes two to tango...right? . I know you have doubts, regrets...and I do too.... I am now taking responsibility for MY actions and effects that I engaged. Was it Me..or...are we dancing with another person?...did a parasite invade us? Or did ADHD play a huge part in this.? I really have to believe this. Remember me...remember me and all that we used to be... (oh....thanx James Blunt). Seriously. I know you know MY actions and those of xxxx. Too late!!!???? 2weeks between Together and alone. 2! Would it have been different? Look at me now. LOOK.! Do you see ME?...I know you do! I've been trying HARD! Really HARD!!! to put pieces together. But I didn't do it alone. "Magical" pink pills helps me push through those though spots that want to knock me down! PleaSe!! Towel thrown..hands up..I'm putting my pride away and begging (which you know how difficult that is for me) you. I'm begging you to give us a chance. A redo. ..? It might be a little different..I'm stronger than I was..enlightened and connected to my self now and respect, acountability and absolute communication will be our foundation. We don't need a F'n Pillar!! We'll be our own ground!! ... ?? ..
---------------
Oh man.... I guess I totally turned that into my own confessional journal or what was and will be.
Ok. Again..Thanx for listening..I feel safe and undrestood "here". So far, being newly diagnosed and still in SHOCK and ... this gives me a safe place for my emotions to lay while I let myself be vulnerable.
And YES!!! ....YEAH, I'm totally gonna ask but EFT exercise. Looked! Totally remembered the original topic!! Little...but I'll take it! How long "have you known"? In time..does it really get better? ..Better..or better than now.?
Me again! Sorry. Eventually
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
Me again! Sorry. Eventually my words will lessen.
Damn!! Totally forgot to
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
Damn!! Totally forgot to mention the whole EPT exerecise thing to my doc!! Next time. I had accidently missed our last appointment..which I was eagerly forward to all week!! Today..I guess ...NO..it happened. I thought appointment was at 1110am so when I got there and immediately say him take some else 'back' I was confused!! Yea. Apt at 3. ..yup...but it was great to see him! He's my all time head doc!!! I've seen many thru my life.. Someone had mentioned this somewhere: JJaimason .? a GOOD doc who has a conversation with you...not the constant questions on top of question. It's amazing. It's like talking to a friend...but a friend who is well trained in all of shortcomings and keeps you on the path of least resistance. He was proud of me and amazed at my progression and attempt. It's nicely refreshing to hear those words...right!? ..
Soo I should start a new one...but ... Do (you guys) Are you guys diagnosed with additional 'things' as secondary? They're treating me with Major Depression, Anxiety, Bi Polar ... and yah..ADHD. Guess what!!!? I've struggled with sleeping since elementary scool....pushed down who knows how many and what kind of things to sleep!! Ever since this diagnosis and medication....For a MONTH. I have NOT have to TAKE ANY sleeping pills!! Wow...This is how it feels!!? AMAZING!
I wish I could give more of a
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
I wish I could give more of a detailed message...but the topic of 'anger' came u..All they really mentioned was: ....sometimes it's only anger that can get someone out of deep depression. .... Hah. ..?
Counselors
Submitted by jennalemone on
If you are talking about a counselor telling you that anger is motivation for change...yes, that is what I hear too and I have been encouraged to le the anger rip if I need to because I have been stifling....but then it is up to me to sit in the anger or take action toward recognizing what I am feeling and making changes in how I feel, how I talk and how I act. and how I think even. My counselor does not let me say "I dont know." She will say "If you DID know what would be your answer?" We get to answer our own questions. They get to steer us toward asking our own questions and finding our own solutions. It takes time to feel trust with a counselor yet you DO get the good feeling or the doubtful feeling in the first meeting with a new counselor. I hope you find a good onw.
Ohhh yah, that's what i'm
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
Ohhh yah, that's what i'm saying: My counselor is AMAZING! I see the logic behind what the counselor is saying...but my fear is: what is the cut off point before it becomes ...not so good.? I mean..let me tell you: (when I exercise) Which is NOT now...I can jam out with some addrenallin force...but really? ...I have to be mad Heman to act normal?
Techie Suggestion
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello,
I have a technical suggestion which I have found to be a LIFESAVER. Next time your post disappears - it happens to me all the time because I somehow make a keyboard error - just hold down the CTRL key and hit the Z key. I find most of the time this little 'Un-Do' will bring my words back.
Liz
Aaghh Man!! Genius! I knew
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
Aaghh Man!! Genius! I knew about it but for some reason didn't apply it here. Thanks for that reminder!! Yah, I hate when that happens!! At that point, I'm usually closing up and too exhausted to type, let alone repeat it!!
Thnnx