Hi
I'm a 41 year old woman who has just been diagnosed with ADHD. I've got a MA,MSc and a PhD but I'm a train wreck organizationally. I can open the envelopes now but I won't read what's in them; I can do the shopping sometimes, clean sometimes, do the laundry sometimes....I recognize that this is hard for my husband to cope with and drives him nuts.
he works away for 6 months a year and when he returns he screams, shouts and generally calls what me lazy, work shy and useless. He wants a prefect home, but I'm not allowed to change anything...like I bought a new shelf to put all the homework stuff on and made a timetable so my son and I could keep up to date with what we were supposed to be doing...he went crazy because we moved a plastic cupboard to the top of the stairs and it has the dog food in it...he says it smells.
When he does the washing, he never folds it, sorts' irons it or it puts it away - but I'm useless. He's angry because I had to get our cat spayed - I was worried she was pregnant - which meant he had to take a taxi home from the airport - in 11 years I haven't picked him up or taken him to the airport maybe 5 times??? So he has been screaming at me since he got home four days ago because I'm a waste of space. Am I screaming at him about the laundry or unreasonable taxi demands?
He says I faked the ADHD assessment even though everything I said he'd heard/seen before and agreed with in the assessment. Our son is about to get assessed, he says I'm making that up too. He thinks I'd choose to be this way so I could be called lazy? He thinks screaming at me is going to change me, a motivational tool perhaps? All it does is make me sad. And our son sad.
I can't talk to him because he is so angry with me right now. He wanted me to 'sort myself out' now I'm trying to, he doesn't want to know.
I've read all the posts of frazzled women struggling with their ADHD husbands and keep thinking - wow if only you knew how you sounded.
ADHDers know we are frustrating, we know we continual screw up - we've spent our whole lives being told that - if you love us at all then either pack your bags and leave us in peace because your abuse does nothing for our mental well-being OR stop trying to 'fix' us....we are what we are, we do the best we can do - we are running to stand still and it's still never god enough.
And with the greatest of respect, we don't need a mommy or daddy, we didn't ask you to fill that role so stop doing it. If you as wives feel overwhelmed by it all, look to your own lives and mental well-being to sort out your own needs, don't expect your ADHD husband to suddenly 'cure' himself - it's never going to happen. I'm a woman, I've got ADHD and you know what I'm perfect the way I am - flaky and everything - so start to see that in your partner as they are - stop the denial it's a chronic, uncurable, long-term disorder, it's not going away EVER it's only ever managed (and not by you!!!) - or get out, leave them the hell alone and let them work it out for themselves,
Anne
For you
Submitted by Standing on
Dear Anne, Your pain touched my heart through the anger. I'm sorry you're not getting the understanding and support at home that you deserve! You are so worthy of that!
I hope, for your sake and his, that your husband will get counseling to help him work through his desire for a perfect home, and so he can see that it's what is on the inside that counts.
Please surround yourself with others who will encourage you in the positive steps you are taking. Getting your assessment, making a timetable, beginning to organize homework stuff... those are wonderful, positive choices that YOU made. I just wanted to say Congratulations to you for taking those steps and give you a hug because I'm sorry he does not appreciate your efforts.
Thanks for this comment - it
Submitted by Annedug on
Thanks for this comment - it's nice to have some recognition that actually this isn't easy for he ADHDer either. After 41 years of struggling I'm finally starting to get some sense of what is going on with me. Being continually put down does not help. I'm hoping it's early days. We'll see. Knowing what I now know, if it becomes obvious that my mental health is going to suffer due to lack of basic compassion, then I'll walk. ADHD has probably made me accept a lot of bad stuff - made me live in constant shame and doubt - but frankly knowing my brain is just wired up wrong means being abused for it is like living with someone who chucks rocks at the learning disabled for not being able to read. I get my husband didn't sign up for a 'less than perfect wife' but I didn't sign up to be a verbal punching bag. I'm hoping my husband can make the transition with me, but if not, I've got this far in sight of a significant unrecognized disability, I'm pretty sure I can keep going knowing what it is now with or without a significant other.
"wow if only you knew how you
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"wow if only you knew how you sounded."
I do. A lot like you sound.
Probably.
Submitted by Annedug on
Probably.
husband has just taken over tonight's homework - due to my inept parenting apparently - child now on receiving end of what I usually get.
question? Is that type of treatment on,y bad when it's an adult-child? Or do I have the right to be angry when it's directed at me too? (By the way that's rhetorical - I am feeling very sarcastic just now - 41 years without a diagnosis and when I get one I'm still being told I just need to try harder - ok yeah cause it's like all me forcing you to scream like a lunatic)
Of course you have the right
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Of course you have the right to be angry! But I think I have the right to be angry, too. We're each fighting our own battles and each of us has our own reasons for staying in or leaving the relationship. I think your husband is being a jerk. But I think my husband is being a jerk, too.
Yes but I know I'm being a
Submitted by Annedug on
Yes but I know I'm being a jerk too. I accept he's reacting to me, just as I'm reacting to him. There isn't any winners or losers in this. All I can do is look after me, decide my bottom line and live to that. I'd say you need to admit your own culpability in he dynamic, forgive yourself and work out what you can and can't control - and it ain't him much as we would both wish otherwise.
It's bigger than you both...Need couseling and GRACE!
Submitted by c ur self on
You are my wife, I was your husband, "The one ignorant of adhd and it's effects, who attributed every thing she did as intentional!
It took us 11 months apart for me to get past my anger, and learn it was OK, to live with her in an understanding way. Your husband has rights as an Individual and as a husband, and you have the same rights as a wife and an Individual. So y'all need boundaries...If you both respect them..It just means you do care and love one another. If not, it say's to H with you, I'm self absorbed and the only one that matters...So, I suggest you send him off on his next work trip w/ a couple of good books...Like Melissa's ADHD and Marriage...and other's that explain ADHD...also, I'm guessing he has a laptop and internet access....Tell him to read up on the dynamics of Add/ADHD...He will find you there:) His precious wife!
I'm not one to tell you how to handle his anger...but, we both know you don't deserve it....And he is blind to it because, he has no idea that your style of living isn't intentionally focused to make extra work for him...He will learn, just don't fight with him....If you just can't help it, when he is way out of line....Always try to not have a ugly look on your face or be loud, because he is hurting too and it will lessen the effect of what I'm fixing to tell you to shock him with...Just say to him..."I love you...But, you can kiss my Ass"...Then walk away...He may eventually realize that acceptance and boundaries is the way to go....
But, in reality our emotions are hard to deal with...I don't care how smart someone is....A third party for accountability is a must when anger, blaming, and resentment is ruining what could be a great marriage.