OOOOOOOOOOH my goodness. So when I first met my husband and got to know his family, I learned he had ADD. Ok...I knew that just as much as if I went out on the street and told someone, "hey, I have ADD". They 'know' I have it...but before I married my husband I didnt really know ADD. And now, as newlyweds, it is quite a challenge for me. The constant forgetfulness of things that are very important to me, not paying attention when I am trying to explain something that truly is an issue for me, not being responsible as far as waking up for class or appointments, etc. Its driving me nuts. We have been married for five months. I often have quite a hard time differentiating between what is truly a result of the disorder and when he is just being trifling. I notice that when it comes to things he is interested in, he had no problem retaining any and all information associated with it, he keeps up with all that it entails, and doesn't miss a beat. This hurts the most probably because I realize that ADD people only really function 'normally' or productively with things that interest them the most. The fact that he has such a hard time being this attentive when it comes to me makes me feel like i'm just not as interesting or important to him as things like video games and sports. When I try to express my frustrations to him about being married to someone with ADD, he almost takes offense as if he is in TRUE denial of his behavior. He often makes references to "well i know I have a disorder, and sometimes I forget things.." he pretty much thinks that is his only problem. I have told him that I want him to seek help (medicine, therapy, etc.) to help with his symptoms, and as usual, he has promised that he would, but I have gotten no result. I have joined about 3 different online support groups for people with ADD family members and spouses. He has done nothing. This makes me feel extremely alone because...he doesnt understand what I'm going through. I dont know of any other friends of mine who have an ADD husband, so I dont even feel I have friends I can turn to. This gets very discouraging. When his symptoms show, I just get this depressed feeling like I'm trapped and theres nothing anyone can do to make it better. You know, when women are younger, I feel like they dream of this strong man who will be responsible and able to protect their families, lead positivity and maturity within the household, and protect you from (for example..) discrepancies in finances and secure the future of the family in every way leaving no stone unturned. I'm not saying my husband does none of that, but more often than not, I feel like I amlost have to raise him and it breaks my heart because I now realize that this is never going to end. The biggest reason my husband will never be able to relate to my pain is because when it comes to my flaws, he has a hope that I will one day be able to change. I do not have that peace. I now realize that these traits will never change, and I will forever be trapped in a world of hurt, frustration, and emotional solitude. I really need to know how what to do because lately, I have been feeling like im not too sure how long I will be able to live with this. I have the beleif that divorce is only justifiable for abuse and infidelity...but this disorder is truly wearing on my soul and patience. Someone please tell me you understand.
Newlywed to a husband with ADD. Its like i'm drowning
Submitted by thlene on 04/29/2010.
I understand
Submitted by Nettie on
I also think there are possibly some incorrect statements, such as "I realize that ADD people only really function 'normally' or productively with things that interest them the most" and "these traits will never change."
I (who have ADHD) hate doing dishes, but if the messiness in the kitchen is distracting me, then I want to finish the dishes instead of listening to my husband tell me about his sci-fi story. I believe it's often an issue of overwhelm. The person may have taken on too much, and it's easier to do the fun things. Or, they have taken on too much, have caused trouble for themselves or others, and are busy getting out of trouble.
The tendencies may remain, but we can train ourselves (or ask others to help) to create better strategies and habits. There are many stories of success on this site.
And i'm realizing that
Submitted by thlene on
And i'm realizing that slowly. I am not saying that there is no POSSIBLE way for him to get better, I'm saying it is extremely discouraging when he doesnt take any steps toward trying to do so. I just needed to get my feelings out to people like you who could possivly help me and give me some insignt on how to cope and stay in my marriage at the same time. I appreciate your response.
differentiating is key
Submitted by arwen on
Hi, thlene -- good for you for taking steps to understand instead of just rail or blame!
My husband's ADD is hormonally linked -- when I met and married him, he wasn't exhibiting much of any ADD symptoms, but around age 40, and his hormones began changing (midlife), these behaviors began kicking in and worsened each year. It was only then I found out that he'd had problems as a youngster as well but had "grown out" of them. After five years of this, he was finally diagnosed, and began treatment with meds and counseling. Some things got better, like his driving (which had become pretty scary by the time he was diagnosed), but many others improved only marginally or not at all. We struggled for 10 years before we separated. The separation was good for us, though, it helped us both get a clearer perspective. We decided to try one more time to salvage our marriage, and we were able to make things work well enough to end our separation after about a year. The past five years have been increasingly good -- we don't fight nearly as much as we used to, and we have resolved most of our issues.
In my husband's case, it has mostly taken a big shock to get him to change. Before he was diagnosed, he was in denial about his problems -- it wasn't until I took and hid the car keys (because his driving had become so dangerous due to his inattention) that he agreed to see a doctor -- and then the diagnosis was so shocking to him that he agreed to treatment. Between that time and our separation, change was often only motivated by a traumatic blowup. Our separation was a huge shock that made him re-evaluate his behaviors and priorities. I've often joked that in order to get an idea through to him, I have to club him over the head with a two-by-four, but it hasn't been that far off from the truth for a lot of our marriage.
One of the key things I have done is learn to differentiate between his ADD-related behaviors, and those things that are just bad habits or bad attitudes (which, let's face it, we *all* have some of!). This took a lot of time and observation, as well as discussion with him to understand what was behind his behaviors. (At the time I was doing this, there were very few resources of information for me to consult -- if there had been, I would have been reading all about it, too.)
When my husband is inattentive, it isn't necessarily an indication that he does not care about me. [I used to think that, but I've learned over time that he really does care a lot, he just didn't understand the need to *show* or *express* his feelings, to communicate his caring to me -- just as he doesn't communicate a lot of other things! Communication just isn't something he appreciates the necessity for, a lot of the time, and communicating about his feelings is just part of that. This kind of inattention is definitely a function of his ADD. He has learned over time that it's important to me, and he does work to both say and show that he cares.] Mostly when he's inattentive, it's because there's something else that's more attention-getting going on than whatever I'm doing/saying, *at that exact moment* -- again, this is a very typical ADD issue. If I want my husband's attention, I know there is no way I can compete with *anything* on the TV or his computer, so I ask him if we can turn the TV or computer screen off. I can see that even when he is really trying to pay attention to me while the TV or PC is on, he can't stay focused on me. It isn't anything I take personally. He would treat *anybody* the same way -- the Pope, the President, his favorite authors, even Einstein-back-from-the-dead.
But -- for your husband to do nothing in response to your stated concerns and desires (e.g., to seek treatment) may go beyond simple ADD-related problems. It would not be unusual for a person with ADD to forget your concerns/desires if they were only stated once -- "out of sight, out of mind" is quite typical. But if you have talked about it repeatedly, and he still has taken no action -- this is an indication to me of a possible attitude problem. For example, my husband used to love to procrastinate about problems he didn't want to face, secretly hoping that they would go away -- even if it was something very important to me -- he was willing to be unfair (since he continued to expect *me* to be responsive to what was important to *him*), a really bad attitude. My strategy in these situations was to absolutely not tolerate or enable this -- rather, to make it miserable for him to continue to pursue a procrastination policy. I've done this a variety of ways -- gone on strike; refused to talk about anything else until he addresses it; mirrored his behavior back to him until he addresses it, etc. -- basically, make the issue un-ignorable in a non-agressive way. In these kinds of situations, he was using his ADD situation to *aid* him in pursuing a policy stemming from a bad attitude. It's not the ADD behavior that was the root problem, it's the attitude.
My husband has been able to change, and our relationship has improved, but it has taken an important combination of factors (and a *lot* of work and time) to accomplish this:
In your situation, I would strongly urge you to read all you can here (there's a lot of good information, and Melissa's blogs are very worthwhile), and consider asking your husband to see a counselor *with you*. If he agrees, I would even make that first appointment, but at that point, the ball should go firmly into his court. I often find that I have had to give my spouse that first nudge (or bash over the head with that two-by-four!), but he will take the ball and at least walk with it from then on.
Good luck!
I sooo hear you sister.
Submitted by Sparkle on
Seriously. I'm engaged (though we're stalled out a bit at the moment because of very similar issues to yours) to a man with ADD. I face a lot of the same problems as you describe. It's hard to tell someone who doesn't have experience with ADD, or knowledge of it, about the emotional isolation aspect! It's hard to describe how there's a degree of partnership you feel you can simply never achieve - a degree that is nevertheless vital and important to you.
You know, when women are younger, I feel like they dream of this strong man who will be responsible and able to protect their families, lead positivity and maturity within the household, and protect you from (for example..) discrepancies in finances and secure the future of the family in every way leaving no stone unturned.
I also relate very strongly to this statement. I've been a single mother for over a decade, and the thought of having a partner for the first time ever feels so sweet and safe. Except when that partner doesn't (can't? won't?) be that strong, protective pillar and anchor for our family and instead becomes another thing that has to be watched, coddled, prompted, etc.... the thought is exhausting.
Sorry, that was all me - I just wanted you to know others feel the way you do and that you're not alone.
Maybe you should insist on marriage counseling - that way you can arrange it and not depend on your husband to do that, and you can talk about *relationship* related ADD issues. My partner is willing to acknowledge his own symptoms and how they affect his own life - like his finances, his ability to make and keep appointments, etc. - but it's incredibly hard for him to recognize that they also affect the relationship and affect me as a person. Is your husband that way? If so, maybe by tackling it together with a counselor who specializes in ADD in relationships, he can become more aware of the consequences of his disorder for his partner and his marriage.
Don't wait!
Submitted by mormat on
I am 69 years old and in good health. I have made a lot of money over the years, but because of my ADD, I lost most of it.
Now that my wife is retired, we travel quite a bit, but with ADD our relationship is on the verge of destruction. My wife has been after me for years to seek help. She must really love me a lot, she is still here.....
I decided to go online and read about ADD. Wow! I took a test and found out that I was ADDDDDDD+!
I called my doctor and he prescribed Adderall. I can tell you that this is working for me. Of course, I have to change my thought processes and work very hard and help myself become the person that I need to be.
I can only say, that your husband needs to act now. I hope he does not waste years to make a decision to move forward. This is not his fault, it is a neuropsychiatric condition and it is genetically transmitted. It is caused by biology, by how the brain is wired.
He is the only one that can help himself. Until your husband comes to the reality that he is in charge of his life and others around him, nothing will change and it will even get worse. Your husband owes it to himself to take positive action now.
Best,
Jerry
Feels Like Drowning
Submitted by plantlover on
I've been married for 31 years to a man with ADD. I didn't notice the symptoms early in our marriage, but after 45 they hit with a vengeance. Some of that was due to life's stresses and traumas, because the symptoms worsened again when his father passed away two years ago. My husband acknowledges the ADD only to use it as an excuse. While he wasn't diagnosed with ADD in childhood, he had so many problems in school as a kid and has huge shame issues. He's terribly defensive about it all, and won't take steps to work on any part of the ADD, even to improve things for himself or his business.
I understand what you're going through with feeling that you're not important enough to him to get his attention. My husband's mother is a VERY dramatic woman, and the only time I get any attention is if I'm crying or screaming. I refuse to do either just to get his attention, so I'm ignored most of the time. I usually feel very much like he sees me as a useful piece of machinery. His true focus is his business. We're lucky in that he's very successful with his business. It just always consumes most of his time and energy.
Melissa has offered a lot of good information on these pages for healthy ways to view relationships. She talks a lot about taking care of yourself and your needs, and deciding to live as the person you wish to be. I've worked hard to learn more of those hints, because I'm physically exhausted from the demands of our marriage. I know it's up to me to take care of myself. When I give so much energy to my husband that I'm exhausted, I'm really not doing anyone any good. Due to the circumstances in my childhood, I grew up as the ultimate caregiver. I'm working hard now to learn how to apply that focus to myself. It's very slow for me, but I see changes.
If you can communicate gently with your husband as to how important it is for him to work on this, perhaps he'll agree to taking one small step. Since you're newlyweds, there are adjustments being made as your grow in your first year of marriage. Maybe he'll agree to working on this if it will strengthen your marriage.