Facing the truth can be a very hard thing at times...Especially in our marriages...90% of our marriage issues (conflict) really has nothing to do w/ add/adhd...Not now anyway that I've learned more about it....But It has everything to do with commitment....My wife has never taken on the responsibilities of a wife...She is a victim about most every thing that relates to her role as a wife....I've spent the better part of 10 years asking her if she is ever going to invest in our marriage...It is a hard thing to share in a loving martial relationship like I had for 30 years (1st marriage)...Then have to face the fact that every thing about the way my wife lives, says "I had rather be single and somewhere else"...I've spent the last few years, trying to undo many of the mistakes I've made....I'm just so tired of living in a house w/ a women who's lack of commitment, can only produce a dysfunctional dynamic....I told her recently that she needs to start paying half of our utilities bills, TV, and Internet....Negative again of course....I've never asked her to do that....But her monthly income is more than mine now....So she needs to start paying....One person's love and commitment can never make a marriage...She needs to start investing her time, her energy, her money, her body.....And do it happily!...If it's not in her heart to invest herself into this marriage...She needs to move on...There can never be a healthy attachment when we are not fully invested fully commitment...Staying in a one sided relationship causes all kinds of emotional issues....I try to just live a thankful life, knowing I don't have to answer for her failures...But lets face it....I think most of us get into a marriage relationship in order to experience the beauty of what marriage was meant to be from the beginning of time....Two people totally invested and committed....Open, approachable and loving....
Yep, it's been a tall task over the past few years (one I still fail at from time to time) to keep my emotions in check and try to stop pointing out the dysfunction of her living so selfishly and so uninvested in our marriage....If I was so offended, and so un-contented by being a husband, and taking on the responsibilities of a husband...I sure wouldn't continue to stay....
She may not either (which is good if she is offend by it) now that I'm asking her step up and take on more of the responsibilities that she should have been gladly doing all along....
I just needed to talk to someone other than myself about this a minute.....
Thanks
c
My DH is also very offended
Submitted by Libby on
My DH is also very offended at the responsibilities that go with marriage. And yet after 37 years he is still here. I too have wondered why? He seems to think he has it so hard. Well if thats the case why stick around. I don't get it. Your expectations are not unreasonable.
Mine is, too.
Submitted by Brindle on
My husband seems offended, too. He’s even said to me that if he had to do it over again, he wouldn’t get married because it’s too hard. I didn’t know what to say back because it was like a fist to my stomach. I don’t nag, I do everything because his contribution is almost completely the paycheck but little more, he doesn’t look after my needs, I’m ignored...
So why IS he still here? I don’t get it, either. The only guesses I have are that he’d feel shame to have a divorce, he likes that I do it all rather than him doing it all if we were divorced, and the money aspect of divorce is expensive, plus maybe he feels sad to not live with the kids. He says he loves me, but evidence isn’t strong in that column.
And c? I’m sorry you’ve come to this place with your wife where you have to have this conversation. I’m sorry that there is a need for new boundaries and a need for continuous seeking of mental and emotional peace.
Libby & Brin...Thanks for your reply's.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I would like to give you both my opinion on why they stay....(Same reason mine and so many here who is asking this same question) They stay because you are their rock...Your devotion and effort make their world more sane....They know life without you would much harder...
And Brin, we shouldn't ever allow those victim comments that belongs to them be a punch to our gut....Those victim statements are just their efforts to convince themselves that they are doing all they can....And to throttle any expectations you might have for things to get better....It's pity seeking....
c
Well this rock is quickly
Submitted by Libby on
Well this rock is quickly crumblng.
I'm sorry
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I'm sorry that you've come to this place, especially since you've worked so hard to manage the ADD symptoms within a marriage. It is emotionally taxing to be in a one-sided relationship, especially when that other person chafes at the committment required for a successful marriage.
Here's a casual observation. I apologize if this offends anyone. I consider it more of a factual observation derived from many, many interactions than an opinion. As I mentioned, I teach remedial reading at the middle school level. As such, most (98%) of my students are either on the spectrum, have ADD, OCD, BP or some combination thereof. Yes, I think the universe is messing with me! I also wonder why administration thinks it's a good idea to have 15 of those kids in a classroom with no assistance, but I digress.
Last week, I was coming to work. I had my purse (not small!), a large tote bag and I was carrying a large package of materials for my room. In short, I was struggling with all of it because I am that woman who MUST do it all in one trip.
1. Learning disabled kid: Oh, hi Mrs. B. Good morning. Can I help you? Are you going to your room? Can I stay and do my homework?
2. ADD Kid: Oh, hey, do you have candy today? Huh, huh? Is there candy in the bag? Are we doing any work today? I don't want to do any work today. Do we have to? Can you help me with x? It's due today and I didn't do it. I need help NOW. Do you have snacks?
In both cases, I enjoy a warm relationship with both children. In fact, they really like me. The difference? The LD kid can "see" me and empathize and offer assistance. The ADD/OCD kid loves me but cannot see me or offer assistance. Empathy is a challenge. Asking and demanding are not a challenge. This child would not understand why I might be a little miffed by all of the demands, considering what I was struggling with. He did not see the situation and the other person in it. I have to excercise great control and patience and understanding with these children. But, it's a teacher/student relationship. It is not a relationship I would care to have in an intimate relationship.
Your description of not being
Submitted by Libby on
Your description of not being seen is excellent! And you are right it is doable in relationships that are not intimate. Extremely damaging in those that are meant to be close.
Absolutely
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Absolutely correct. I am sure my husband has loved me. However, he cannot understand that being on dating sites and sexting another mom from my child's sports team are hurtful and inappropriate for a marriage and profoundly humiliating. Dating sites are anonymous. This other thing wasn't. The reasons are wide and varied and not entirely related to ADD/ADHD. I will and have owned my part of this. He has not really owned his part of it. He has consistently treated it as a "my bad" that should blow over and I should just forget it ever happened. "There's nothing to see here, nothing at all." The day after I found out about the sports mom he greeted me with a "is it raining yet, how was your commute home?" and was upset that I shot him a look of contempt. I've already posted on the modis operandi - deny, lie, deflect, pretend it never happened. I've come to feel that one of the worst ADHD symptoms is that inability to keep someone else in mind's eye. I am pretty well done researching ADHD. It's been enlightening. It seems like there are some empathy deficits. When I research, I look at original research as much as possible. I mean, I could put structures and schedules in place, but it doesn't fix this issue at all. My H had no problem with doing these things. He doesn't understand why he did. Therefore, I can never trust him not to do it again. How can he fix what he does not understand? He may tell me that he never meant to hurt me or devalue me, but he could not see me well enough to determine that his actions were, indeed, hurtful and devaluing. He chose to pursue someone with an a&( as big as a house, I mean, I could balance a drink on her saddle bags and none of the kids even liked her, my daughter called her a hateful human being and no, most people did not like her, at. all. (yes, I'm being totally petty I know and it may not be the last time). My H could not see that his actions were harmful to the marriage and family, only that it's what he wanted to do. Nevermind that he gained 100 pounds after being married and practically suffocated me during sex. Now, I don't know what exactly to call his dating site/sexting behavior. Immaturity? Probably. Inability to see consequences? IDK. I partly view that as an inability to be human. Sorry. Not sorry. We should all be able to see one another as part of a human continuum and that ability needs to be seen most fully in an intimate relationship, not random outside interactions. You shouldn't bring your best self to people outside of your marriage and family and hope for the best. Impulsivity? Maybe. I was also suffering through a miserable marriage, but my actions didn't lead me in that direction. Does that make me a better human being? No, but it does make me a human being who can intellectually choose my behavior and choose not to hurt my husband. I could have. There were enough opportunities to hurt him in the same way. I could have made an opportunity if I did not value him at all or didn't think he was worthy of basic human decency. I didn't think those complications would make my life any easier. Strangely, I thought I should not muddy the waters of the marriage with outside crap. Too complicated. On the contrary. I guess that's why I've come to balk at the schedules and work-arounds. They're great logistical help but in my case, it would never fix the fact that I am largely unseen. My husband may have been able to figure out how to schedule me in, but... I kinda didn't really matter. If someone lies about finances and debt and other things... guess what? You don't really matter. If someone's attention is so inwardly focused selfishly and outwardly focused on other people outside of the family, what does it matter? He would have scheduled me in between sexts or something. If you are no longer the shiny object ... and I'm not going to turn myself inside and out and upside down to try to become a "shiny object". I am a nice and good person. I'm okay the way I am. I am not interested in scaffolding my entire life to gain a small amount of genuine attention. I find the making myself the shiny object again makes me feel inauthentic and grasping. In a way, it hurt my self esteem to try so damn hard to gain someone else's attention when it should be freely given to begin with.
This is probably my last rant. I met with the realtor today. The separation agreement stipulates that I will handle the sale. Good thing. He truly did not understand that the seller pays commission and ranted about it for an entire hour. So over stupid. The house should sell fast and the divorce will be completed within 30 days.
Thank you for your wise reply VBG
Submitted by c ur self on
He would really LOVE for you think he didn't understand why you would have a problem with his pursuit of sex or intimate sharing outside of the marriage.....I promise you, if he found out you was pursuing intimacy outside the marriage....It's wouldn't have been the traffic he would have been asking you about...LOL.....
VBG, I support you!....It's impossible to forgive someone who isn't sorry....When the attitude is flippant instead of sincere remorse, regret and repentance....How do we trust that??....Anyway, I hope you continue to post from time to time...Just to say hello...I wish you the best, and will continue to pray for you.....
That is without a doubt one
Submitted by dvance on
That is without a doubt one of the best descriptions I have ever read about how an ADHD person views the world and their place in it. Thank you for being so insightful. I have been teaching for 16 years and your last line--totally get that. I have all the patience in the world with kids at school and other teachers (I am also the Assistant Principal, so I do have supervisory type things to do with the rest of the faculty). I have no problems calling a teacher out (in private) for something they did or didn't do, I can be calm and professional, stand my ground, etc., and keep emotion out of it. We have these norms that we open each full staff or level meeting with and one of them is ASSUME POSITIVE INTENTIONS. I can totally do that at work. At home? Not so much. Not that I assume DH is out to get me specifically, just that I assume he is out to cover himself, to come out looking like the good guy, to make things easy for himself, at all costs. Another poster mentioned keeping the emotions out of our dealings with our ADHD spouses and while I agree that is the best way to coexist, it makes me sad. I wanted emotions in my marriage. I wanted laughter and passion and friendship and shared interests and support. What I have is quiet because there is nothing to talk about, shallow interactions because most things are taken the wrong way, doing things alone because he and I no longer have the same interests. I literally cannot recall the last time we did something just the two of us, but I don't know what we would do. On Sunday mornings we used to go to church and out for brunch, walk around downtown (Chicago). I loved that. And about 6 months ago DH told me he doesn't really believe in God, he only went along to keep me happy. Okay then. So I go by myself or with a friend. He likes to golf. Alone. Usually at 6am. He likes to do archery. Alone. Usually at 6am. He likes to take the metal detector and look for crap at the beach. He has a lot of useless, worthless crap from that. He goes to movies with our sons, super hero movies that I can see teens liking but I am kinda surprised a 50 year old man enjoys. He sits on the couch and watches hours of The Office or Parks and Rec over and over. Again, I can see teens doing this, but a grown up? So I don't know where any overlap would occur. I used to make all kinds of plans for us but gradually got tired of being Julie the Cruise Director and so no plans were made since he won't make them. Since he started a new job on March 12 something is up though. He was unemployed for 3 months prior to that (fired after 3 years again), and worked side jobs. He has been working on both weekend days for several weeks now in addition to the full time five day a week job. He says he is finishing up the projects that were started when he was out of work, which may be true, but seems odd. So he is working 7 days a week, comes home exhausted, finds some other chores to do at home, it's kind of ridiculous. He gets headaches because he needs new glasses but won't make an appointment to see the eye doc. We have vision insurance and our eye doc, 2 blocks from our house, has Saturday hours. He is in pain from bad knees but won't see a doc for that either. We have really good insurance for that too. Last night he was doing something in the kitchen and there was all kinds of moaning and sighing and carrying on and I ignored it and said nothing. For gods sake, don't adults have a responsibility to take care of themselves? Wouldn't being healthy be part of the commitment required for a successful marriage? The martyr thing is really strong with this one. Not helpful.
I think I digressed too much. I thank you vabeachgal for the terrific contrast between the ADHD person and the LD person. I think you are spot on and I agree that in friends or colleagues or students, taking emotion out of the interactions is easy (at least easy-ish!!!), even appropriate, but when it comes to a life partner, kinda sad.
Chicago....
Submitted by c ur self on
dvance, I can definitely understand why you would enjoy those Sunday afternoons....When I was up there, I loved walking around the fountains, and the big shiny kidney (what ever that thing is..LOL.)...Also loved watching the kiddo's play on the splash pad, window shopping on Michigan Ave, the ice cream, and walking along the beach....It was all so nice!....I need to come to a Cubs game this year, and do it again....
c
VBG...thank you....
Submitted by c ur self on
(2. ADD Kid: Oh, hey, do you have candy today? Huh, huh? Is there candy in the bag? Are we doing any work today? I don't want to do any work today. Do we have to? Can you help me with x? It's due today and I didn't do it. I need help NOW. Do you have snacks?)
Yep my W, lives just like this...My 56 year old Kid...JUST LIKE IT....LOL....It's almost impossible to be good are share w/ this type mind....They will use you up, without a thought....Then wonder what's wrong w/ you when you question them....LOL....WOW, like dvance said, you nailed it here.....
c