My SO is a Control Freak. Everyone who knows her says the same thing.....her friends, family members, her son and even she openly admits it.
I, on the other hand, am a control freak, but more narrowly focused to things I do less my environment and other people. That's not to say I don't do the same things she does, but predominantly, my control focus is aimed in a different direction than hers.
There's definitely a qualitative difference between the two of us and I believe this has to do with locus of control. I looked up ( yet another article ) on this topic and low and behold, I think I found pay dirt. The article said that ADHD folks tend to be more external locus of control, but my tendency so often, lean more toward internal locus of control.
So why is that?
"freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose"
Growing up, I remember feeling this way quite often. When you're at the bottom, there's no where to go but up. This sentiment allows you to try things without fear of failure because you already feel like a failure anyway. You've got nothing to lose.
“Freedom is the only worthy goal in life. It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control.”
I believe this, but my SO loses sight of this at times so exercising patience and grace is what I need to do in these moments.
I'm guessing, her issues also stem from trauma and abuse ( she's told me of her sexual abuse and her mother's alchoholism ). I'm betting there's some maladaptive strategies there as well. Just like me.
"To accuse others for one's own misfortune is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete."
Not there yet, but I'm trying
J
Interesting perspective
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi J,
I hadn't heard of "locus of control" before, so looked up the related research. They explain it in a couple of ways. Those with an external locus of control believe that things happen to them, that they have little control over it, and that their misfortune is not their fault. Those with an internal locus of control believe that they have the power to affect their world and outcomes of choice.
Another way to look at this is a fixed mindset vs a growth mindset.
This makes a lot of sense in my marriage. My ADHD Dx husband (now separated) has a very fixed mindset, operates from a place of fear most of the time, and blames others for his perceived misfortunes. This was a huge frustration for me. Even the work I do requires me to always maintain a growth mindset and see possibilities and have optimism. This is definitely my preferred way to approach to life.
Not blaming myself for not knowing how incompatible we were is something I'm working on.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Action Required Catterfly
Submitted by J on
I also see this as:1) needing to take some kind of action to effect change or 2) waiting for some kind of action to happen to you from an external source.
I would love to win the lottery...but in the mean time, I know I need to take some kind of action to earn money to live.
That's another way to look at. It's an intentional act.
This makes sense
Submitted by Swedish coast on
The differences of a fixed and a growth mindset has played an important part in my ADD-non relationship too. Whenever the relationship took damage, I tried to save it. My ADD ex husband used to be defaitist about it. Whatever happened, he seemed to conclude it was out of his reach.
He could see our divorce coming for many years, while I was busy creating a life for us.
I would assume the fixed mindset can be a result of having failed so much, you have no confidence to make change. Or it's actually realistic. His prediction of our future was more accurate than mine. Maybe since he knew his limits, but I didn't understand them.
A growth mindset doesn't help a person to adapt to severe undiagnosed npf in their partner. Rather that confidence can be a trap, motivating a partner to exhaust themselves for a hopeless cause. I'm speaking here of personal experience only, mine and friends'. I used to tell myself I could make the family thrive, but in the end I couldn't counter the effects of ADD on myself or what I tried to accomplish. Now I struggle to regain a growth mindset. It was so crushing to realize I had no power to change anything.
Growth mindset “curse” :)
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi Swedish, I don't think your lack of power or foresight was a weakness. More like a strength that didn't work in this one situation.
I recently reached out to three of my women friends who've also gone through a divorce in the last three years. A doctor, a city councillor, and a biophysicist (and me, an aerospace engineer). All high functioning women whose roles require optimism, creativity, and an ability to see the possibilities. I think this has generally served us well.
But, guess what? All four of us have exes who have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. No matter how strong we were or how much we tried, we couldn't close the communication gap in our marriages.
As an aside, these are my only women friends who've gone through this, and also the only ones I confided in. Amazing, isn't it? 100% correlation. We should have commiserated all along; maybe now we'd be in a better place. Thank goodness for forums like this, that can help others to be more vulnerable and seek support before things blow up.
They, by the way, have all moved on to new relationships now. They all tell me that it's amazing to have a partner that anticipates needs and makes plans. They're happy and thriving. And regaining their growth mindsets. :)
We will be those women again, too.
Amazing friends
Submitted by Swedish coast on
What a striking coincidence in your circle of friends, Catterfly! I smile at the new lives of your friends.
With your resilience (I truly admire how you've handled recent events) I'm sure you will thrive in a little while.
Outward Mindset
Submitted by J on
I was so curious about the concept of mindsets, starting with Growth vs Fixed as mentioned in this post, I started doing some searches in relation to political affiliations. * I promise, this post has nothing to do with politics, just more curiosity.
When I ran across a study showing which mindset was associated to different affiliations ( conservative or liberal ) I saw mine and noticed another one called Outward Mindset, which was attached to Independents which is what I am.
I looked that up and immediately saw the offset of Outward being Inward ( Mindset ) which made sense. But after reading up on the differences between the two....I discovered I actually did fall much more towards the outward than the inward mindset.
So now, I appear to have a more growth mindset and a more outward mindset. Now I'm even more curious !! How did I get this way!
By all accounts, the Inward mindset would appear much more closely associated to someone with ADHD. You can see it all over the posts and comments in this very forum.
So why am I different?
I also had a revelation in terms all my family members and their mindsets and I definitely appear to be the black sheep of my family too? WTH?
And seeing how all of this is new to me, and how most of these articles I read are more relative to kids and learning ( or bussiness )....I realized that I was never taught or introduced to any of this stuff as a kid by my parents, or in school. ( looking at the dates of these concepts being introduced I understand why ) but, I realized, this didn't come from home ( as my entire family appear more the opposite of me ) so the question remains...
How did I get this way?
And even being an Independent which seems to match up with having an outward mindset is also curious? I am definitely and most comfortably centered...right in between Conservative and Liberal which is why I cannot pick one or the other which is why I'm Independent.....neither represent how I truly feel or represent what my values are completely.
So going back to having a growth, and now, outward mindset.....
I truly would like to figure out just how I got this way and where this came from?
Is this nature or nurture? Or both? And if nurture...where did this nurture come from if it didn't align with my family of origin?
Inquiring minds what to know!?
J
PS My political mindset takes a middle stance because it serves the greatest number of people. If there were a 3rd party in the middle...it would eliminate the extremes on either side and takes the best parts of either side to form the best compromise and serve the most interests to better the whole. The only people less served would be the extremes on either side. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
Thought I better clarify this part a little which in my mind, still fits the outward mindset.
Burning Curiosity
Submitted by J on
This is me:
"Some examples of burning curiosity include:
A young child constantly asking "why" about everything they observe, driven by an intense desire to understand how the world works.
A scientist meticulously investigating a mysterious natural phenomenon, determined to uncover its underlying mechanisms.
A historian poring over ancient texts and artifacts, compelled to reconstruct the details of a long-forgotten civilization.
An explorer venturing into uncharted territory, their mind racing with hypotheses about what undiscovered wonders might lie ahead.
An inventor tinkering endlessly with prototypes, consumed by the challenge of bringing a novel idea to life."
I may have ( in part ) answered some of my own questions. The how I got this way part....is really not that important.
I'm still working on my deep dive, but I've unearthed many answers to many of my questions. I'll share what I think when I have it all firmed up in my mind.
J
PS I can't help it
The intricacies of building our desired identity....
Submitted by c ur self on
Reading on this thread I see something in many of the posts, something I have contemplated many times over my life time...It's the searching, building, or the proclaiming of our own identities....And most of the time it seems we work from what we know, or have experienced...(physical factors)...Childhoods, abuses, parental influence, education, finance's, the other person, mostly physical features....We definitely can be effected by all of these...The questions I have had to ask myself is, ''will I camp out here?"....Or will I seek healing, spiritual awareness and growth in order to move past my own desire for a me life?
I think's it is kind of natural that we do this when we start looking at our marital relationships, especially if they are dysfunctional or failing...Self justification plays a vital role is self acceptance and our sanity...It is very easy to drift off into faulty thinking, no matter what we feel we have to offer in life....
It's easy to talk about difference's, and attribute all the problems to that (them often times) being the issue....When often times the real issue is control, and independence, instead of respect and Interdependence...We live in a highly self centered society for the most part these days...There is not a lot of self-discipline, or practice as it relates to historical family values...God given roles for both spouses has pretty much been chunked, in order to make room for pride, egos, and our personal desires...We call it self interest....So if we are a person who lives with this mindset, we will have to daily keep it cleaned up, in order to move forward with a peaceful self accepting outlook...
c