Hi folks. I found this website a few months back, and I've been reading Melissa's book, but I just need to vent for a moment before the world falls in around my ears.
My husband was diagnosed with severe ADHD as a child. He hated his meds, and managed not to take them more often than not. He was up front about this when we started dating, and I didn't have a problem with it. I expected there would be more slack in our relationship that I needed to pick up, and I was okay with that. I'm a hard worker, and I can rationalize my way into accepting my role as sole bread winner, household manager, and doer of 95% of the chores. I've faltered on this on occasion for emotional reasons, but I married my husband because he made me feel like I mattered, not the lighten my workload.
What I didn't know at the start was that this feeling like I mattered was only a result of his hyperfocusing, and that this focus would not only fade, but completely reverse into treating me like I am the cause of his every negative emotion. I want to be a supportive wife. I understand that his brain is wired a certain way, and I want to be accomodating of that. I want him to be happy, but I need to be happy too, and for the past two years or so his ADHD symptoms have been manifesting emotionally abusive behavior and I don't know how much more I can take.
I'm not a saint, I'm not faultless, and with the help of Melissa's book I've been trying to be a better non-ADHD partner, but you all know it's not one-sided, and my husband refuses to get treatment. It took me a year after I concluded a lot of our marital problems were ADHD related for him to accept it might even be a small factor. I want him to be on medication, which he has violently refused. And it's his body. I asked him to at least get counseling, his answer was to watch a series of YouTube videos. At least it was something, but I foolishly kept hoping that something might get better, and it just doesn't.
Tonight it was ordering take out. I asked if he wanted to, out of a selfish desire to do something sort of together. He usually eats in front of the computer, but we'd order together, and I thought then maybe I could talk him into sitting with me. Well, my mistake was apparently not having a restaurant in mind. When I told him so, he suggested a burrito place I've told him repeatedly I don't like. I told him again that I don't like it accepting he probably forgot, and it was all down hill from there. According to him: I was trying to trap him, I was bound to hate anything he suggested, picking a restaurant should have been my responsibility because take out was my idea, he's always the bad guy, I think I'm perfect, and so on and so on for half an hour of telling me all the ways I treat him unfairly. Nevermind we've had the same discussion where I've picked a place and been accused of not consulting him. Nevermind I insisted we could go to the burrito place, or even go multiple places so everyone was happy. I didn't have an opinion, I didn't think a single bad thing about him, and then all of a sudden I'm staring down this shame barrel, unable to breath while grasping for some inkling of what I did wrong or what I could have done differently.
This is the same fight we have over and over, where I think I'm making a completely innocent comment or suggestion and yet I've apparently done something horribly wrong. I've been in therapy for it for a few months, trying to find *something* I can do different and praying that the fact I'm in therapy might nudge him into trying himself. He's angry if I ask him to do the dishes, he's angry if I do the dishes, he's angry if the dishes get left in the sink too long. I feel like I can't do or say anything without triggering his anger and blame and accusations. RSD or not I'm at my wit's end, and I would leave. I'm at that point. I've all but lost hope. But then there's the rest of the dilemma.
A. We have a one year old daughter who is the light of both our lives and whom I'm terrified we're scarring with his regular vitriol. B. My sole breadwinner job, the only thing I'm qualified for that pays well enough to support our family of three, requires that I move internationally every few years. If I couldn't get sole custody in a divorce, there's a very real chance I would either have to quit my job or else not see my daughter for months at a time. On top of that, I'm not sure my husband is capable of caring for her on his own. He's her primary caregiver while I'm at work, which is a lifesaver and something I'm so grateful for, but as she gets older he's rapidly losing his patience with her. While I've been working from home recently, I hear him getting angry with her for fussing or throwing her food or doing various other normal baby things. I get that these things can be frustrating, babies are hard work, and I try to take over most of the caregiving duties on evenings and weekends. I put her to bed every night and wake up with her in the mornings so he can sleep in. But I'm worried with as much as he loses his temper with me that it could happen with her too. On more practical matters, his earning potential isn't much above minimum wage, and before me he always had roommates, so I'm imagining him trying to hold down a low paying job to support himself (which he's had consistent trouble with) while providing any semblance of stability for our daughter during custody sharing. (The children of divorced parents in my situation usually spend long school holidays with the stateside parent.) I feel like granting me sole custody would honestly be the best thing for her, but who knows what a court would say. I also don't want my husband to never see his daughter. He's not always the most attentive, but I can see how much he loves her when they play. Hell, I can see how much he loves *me* sometimes, but I've been screaming into a void for years begging him to treat me like a rational human being and I'm just.. tired.
Anyway, there's a lot more where this came from, but I needed to get some of it off my chest. Thank you internet strangers for listening. I've turned everything over in my head a million different ways, but if anyone has any ideas I haven't thought of, I'm always open to suggestions.
From one Tired Momma to another
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Tired. I really understand what you're going through. I have stayed for my daughter. I somewhat regret it since if I'd left when she was young, she wouldn't know any different now (she is 12). But then there's the other side of the coin... if my husband received any level of custody at all aside from visits, it would be madness. He is incapable of caring for a child by himself. That is paralyzing and I get why you stay (along with the hope he'll someday wake up and hear you I'm sure).
Anyway, I am writing because you mentioned that you would leave potentially if you could get sole custody. When I was in therapy, my therapist suggested going to a divorce lawyer. She said that doesn't mean you're getting a divorce... but to use the consultation to find out how you might fare with custody in a divorce. It cost me $300 for an hour but it was worth it. I did not like all the answers I heard, but at least I was dealing with facts vs. fear of the unknown. You might find out you have a better shot at custody than you thought. Or you might find out you don't at all. Either way, knowing more concretely is a help because you can make more confident decisions when you know your options. You said you turn things over in your head a million different ways - talking to a lawyer about your specific situation can help put some of this to rest, which is a relief.
My therapist knew quite a bit about ADHD and we also discussed the fact that the natural inertia of many with ADHD can be beneficial to the other parent in custody. The ADHD parent often isn't motivated to fight for custody or really even to have it... they don't want the work. She also said she has seen a lot of ADHD people get lazier and lazier when shared custody is awarded until they give it up almost by default, no court order required. But those are gambles and I know I don't want to take them! There is also a child in the mix that potentially gets hurt. But I am just mentioning it. (Note this is not a blanket statement about all people with ADHD and custody... just some... I get that there are awesome ADHD parents out there.)
So sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone.
No Way Out
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I'm sorry you are in this position, but I am glad you are seeing a therapist. Talking with an impartial third party can really help.
From experience, my therapist helped me see that I was not trapped, that even though I felt I had no choice in the matter and had to stay where I was....
I wasn't trapped and I had a choice. As painful as it was, I had to decide what was best not just for me but for my two children. My situation was very different from yours, and that affected my decision. One thing I will say, my husband was incapable of treating me like a human being and that is why I left.
EDITED**
The Burrito restaurant scenario sounds like gaslighting and verbal abuse. ADHD cannot be used as excuse for his behavior. There is only so much one person can endure. Taking on all the responsibility and adding a child to the mix will wear you down, eventually.
NO WAY OUT
Submitted by Sweetmama on
Hi I am SO SO sorry for your situation!!! Ironically, I am the one with ADHD in our relationship and, yet I can completely relate to you!!! I am by no means an "expert", but I was so thankful to see AdeleS6845 mention the Gaslighting and verbal abuse!! Because, as I was reading your post I kept thinking this sounds more like "narcissistic" type behavior than just merely ADHD!! Again, I am no expert and am struggling in my relationship to decipher "is it me or is it him?" OR AS YOU SAID "staring down the SHAME barrel, unable to breathe while grasping for some inkling of what I did wrong or what I could have done differently." I often feel this way.....which is why I as the ADHD spouse came to this page to explore more about ADHD and marriage, but the first thing I read was your post!! I have been going around and around in my head for longer than I care to admit wondering and not trusting my own GUT/INTUITION about things. It was recently recommended to me By Linda Roggli ( an ADHD organizer and coach with ADHD) to read Gaslighting by Stephanie Sarkis who also has many books on ADHD!! I would love to hear Melissa Orlov's thoughts on this and hear her perspective on your situation!!!! I understand VERY VERY well there are 2 sides to every story, but you sound very much like me "trying to justify" yourself etc etc, but again I agree wholeheartedly with AdeleS6845 THERE IS NO "EXCUSE" FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S BEHAVIOR TO YOU!! ADHD or NO ADHD!!! Coming from someone who NEEDS to follow my own advice.... TRUST your gut and also I liked the advice to at least meet with an ATTORNEY to get THE FACTS so you are informed and not just living in the "unknown"!!! Much love and Hugs to you!!
Tired; lot more, what to do...and on and on it goes...
Submitted by c ur self on
Hello...I wish I had a nickle for all the times I felt like you are feeling, written the things you are writing.....My advice is simple (years of trying) do not allow yourself to THINK, FEEL OR BEHAVE like he is capable of doing or being any differently than he his now....
One sure thing about life is, we get what we see....When you are able to accept it's not going to change, you will start making great strides in your life and recovery...(Yes, recovery)...If you stay, "think physical, mental and emotional wellness for yourself"....think, 'do not place trust in places you know you cannot"...****Think boundaries!!**** that must be placed, for day to day survival for you and your child....Most responsible adults eventually learn (in our situations) we have to dump our wants, and emotions (as it relates to our marriage relationship) in order to find sanity, and a workable life style....
You are so (like many of us) overwhelmed by the reality of his living of life, it has froze you!...You are locked in the hopelessness of the dysfunction...Accept it!....****Me, or you, hating it, want change it!****...Stop trying to mange his life at the cost of your own....(That's control, and it gives him an out, Blame!)...
Based on your comments (and my own experiences) It's obvious he isn't concerned about what you think he should do....So leave, or leave him alone....Turn you mind's eye on what positive strokes you must make to not place trust in him...(Self inflicted suffering when you do)....It's never been a wife's job to use up her (physical, mental, & emotional energy, carrying her irresponsible husband!....Never!.....From my experience these victim types, only get up and get busy when they can't use someone else to carry them....Most of us (me for sure) start down the road right off, mothering, and creating invalids out our irresponsible spouse....We take on all the burdens of life, just like they aren't irresponsible (trust them for our needs, we have children, buy houses, etc etc)...Until be realize this person has a child's mind that is consumed with everything related to selfishness, and their own easy of living and entertainment, at the cost of who every they can us....With no regard for what it is doing to the relationship or the person....(us)
The way you know when a person don't care, is they want communicate calmly about their life choices...(No ownership)...They want communicate about much of anything other than their want's or their selfish desires....And will angrily blame you, and turn defiant if you wave the responsibility card over their self absorbed heads...
We just have to stop being our own worst enemy in life....My wife is being embarrassed because I want go on vacations with her, or want share in many things with her....(boundaries) I love her, but, I can't trust her....IF she ever learns respect, and responsibility ahead of selfish good times..Who knows?....But, I am not looking for it....And I'm done trusting, just to have my head thoughtlessly chopped off again and again....We have wake up to reality at some point....
Bless you
c
You’re not alone.
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
I feel like I could have also written your post. You are not alone. I wish I had answers for you but I am in the same boat as you are. This morning when I suggested (probably a little too rashly) that he not go by the employer of one of his part time jobs just to get the attention of the boss of his other part time job (who he wants to move him to full time) as this employer is busy and has things to do- I immediately have a finger in my face telling me to shut up. I am SO TIRED. I pay all the bills but one (which is grocery cash he hands me every week- but if for some reason he misses work then my grocery money is docked) I make all the decisions and do 90% of chores/repairs etc. This is probably not very helpful to you but you are not alone. Hang in there.
KeriC...Read your post like it wasn't you saying it....
Submitted by c ur self on
Things that jump out....Your "probably to rash comment" about his actions = Your not his loving accepting wife...But you have made the choice to control and fix him, and teach him about life, like he was a minor. (That shows you have no respect for his rights)....(I know, because I was just like you...Always critiquing her victim thinking (childish), and spouting off about what a responsible adult would and should do)...We can be right in principle, but dead wrong in that were judging what they want, or are capable of.....
His finger in your face = his clear message to you...." I don't give a #*%$ what you think about my choices!
You are choosing to make all the decisions, you are choosing to do 90% of the work....You are choosing it like I did for years...Why? Because to truly fix it means WORK!...It means placing boundaries and sticking to them come hell or high water! It means quietly respecting our spouses no matter what we think about how they get through life... It means watching them suffer at their own hands, and keep our mouths shut, walking away without a word....Because we know that they are hoping for just one suggestion from us, so they can spin it, exonerate themselves, and make their issues our fault....
The life style of a victim, (Always looking to blame their spouse, bosses, co-workers, children etc.) can't be verbally addressed by someone who just wants to point out the error of their ways....When the fruit of a grown man or women's daily life is things like:...Self absorbed mind....Selfishness....Denial....unconcern for vows or promises...Blaming....irresponsibility toward their commitments, and if you are married to that person, your life will be destroyed, UNLESS you force them to deal with every part of their lives....Few can do it with boundaries...Most do it with separation or divorce...
But in my experience (12 + years) and from reading here about others in the same situations you and I are in, (6 years) the one thing that has never, and will never work, is words....It's their pot of gold, if they can get you to say one word....Because the moment you do, the same things happen....1) your to blame 2) You end up with the job 3) They end up feeling good about their lazy self, and staying with you out of pity....LOL.....
Yep....Life is about choices....I don't NEED her.... I choose to stay with her because I vowed to God and her, and I love her...She has changed a lot, in good ways....She feels more loved by me, because since I stopped giving her input, since I stopped mothering her for the most part, (let her over sleep, let her destroy her own life, while I just walk away) since I want allow her to drag me into arguments, nor do I start them, because I finally realized, like I'm pointing out to you, I and the marriage can only lose....(Self inflicted suffering)....
It's much easier to get into bad habits and traps, than to get out....I still do many little things to force me, to not enable her....We share no finances, we do our taxes separate, I take walks, bike rides, cut grass, anything to not be available in the home when she gets up to go to work...Because she demands (lives this way) to get up 40 or 45 minutes before she is suppose to be there....That automatically means a few things...1) Since that's the beginning of her day 7 PM, she is unmedicated, that's when she takes her Adderall.....2) She is in that high intensity dopamine seeking mindset, where she will blurt out anything, (Do this, ring my lost phone, make me a sandwich) and if I ask her a simple question, more times than not, it's DON'T TALK TO ME, YOU KNOW I WILL STOP GETTING READY!....This type mind is impossible to live with in a healthy way....They will always force you to mother them, or, you can say NO...And then they may ignore you for weeks...Pouting like a selfish undisciplined child...(Which I've learned to laugh about, it's her suffering, not me) You have to force them to manage their own life....I have told her and I am holding myself accountable to not enable her....I don't mind leaving, and she knows that...(I told her we were ending it in 2020, if we can't have a calm healthy marriage relationship, and both take ownership for our words and actions, she knows I meant it) The last thing she said to me before she went to bed this morning, was where were you when I left for work yesterday?....I told her, and then she told me she almost over slept...(in her victim mind, she can't help but identify me, as her life line, I'm destroying that) I just told her, to not count on me, I may be busy or gone...My little bit of mothering I did do was....I told her the alarm she is using is to soft for her (she sleeps like a dead person coming off of her speed (adderall).....I told her she should use something obnoxious!...
I pray this helps.....I understand where your at, but I also understand you are the only human being with the power to change it....
c
I agree- but don’t have a clue where to start!
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
Dear C-
I agree with you. I am choosing to do things that exacerbate how things are. But WHERE DO I EVEN START? When kids are involved, certain things must get done. I do have a question for you. How do you have separate finances? My spouse and I have separate bank accounts, I pay all bills but two- he pays his truck payment and hands me cash for groceries every week. We have mutual bills obviously bc we both live in the same house- the problem previously was he would not pay a bill and we would get a shut off notice- it is less stressful for me to just pay the bill than worry about him not!?! Make sense? So tell me where to start. What's the first step?
Finances
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
Hi Keri, I'm in the same boat as you with the finances only he doesn't pay any of them, has no idea how much is in the bank....usually has lost his checkbook and won't even talk about taxes. I think finances would probably be in the "graduating class" category of things to accomplish and we're just in the early stages of awakening and finding life hacks just to survive without fighting. So finances for us will come later or perhaps circumstances will catapult things into action for him, who knows. He doesn't get the need to keep records of any kind and I'm so busy trying to keep whats most important from "going ballistic" that little things like bookkeeping or checkbooks or taxes just gets pushed back and back and back. Yes it makes me crazy. There HAS to be a proper "gradient" meaning a small baby step that can lean into moving ahead enough to feel like progress has been made and then another little step. How to adminstrate this is beyond me and I'm always afraid to bring it up out of fear for his tantrums. Gaaaah how did we get in this mess.
Desparate&Exhausted
D&E and KeriC
Submitted by c ur self on
This is one of those times I wished the three of us was setting around a table w/tea or coffee:)...Not because I have all the answers, but, just so we could discuss life as it is with your partners...The reason you both feel a little helpless with your situations, and how to change it, is the same for all of us in (or have been in) your shoes...You didn't get here over night, and it will take time, patients, and wisdom to make changes...Baby steps one of you said...That is right!
I would like to say something right here...I'm not judging anyone, and I desire to respect everyone...So what I'm about to say is just my experience, and what I have learned about human behavior when subjected to daily pressure in what is suppose to be our closest and most intimate relationship...A place that should be a safe place for us all. (The kind of pressure that lead us all here to begin with)
We can save ourselves a lot of stress and time, if we own up to two things right off...1) We are all human, and we all have to see our own selves, our own issues, and own those before we can gain any ground...We change from the daily pressure I mentioned...Some of the ways we deal with the pressure is...Our own denial....Mothering and enabling....Anger and/or bitterness....withdrawal....to name a few that is common....And being human we have our own trials and temptations to fight, that hasn't anything to do w/our spouses....Just saying here, we have to be positive, constructive and fearless to start making changes...These changes are all about us, because as you know if we could change others, we wouldn't be here....
What works for one of us, want work for all of us....As common as our spouses minds and behaviors are, every situation is unique....(Finances)....Add/adhd effects short term memory, it effects focus, it effects timeliness...(The older we get, the more it becomes apparent) So even if you have the best of plans, don't be upset when it doesn't work perfectly....I have found it best (in our case) for me to pay the monthly common bills...I do a simple ledger of each bill for the month and the amount, I keep it visible on our desk top...(She can look at it any time) I give her a sticky note and also text her phone with what her half is...I allow her to pay bi-monthly...I get her the notice around the first of the second month and after a few reminders, she usually gets me a check cut by the 15th or 20th...We do not share bank accounts, CC or debit cards...This works for us...We have very little conflict as it related to money.....
(Other boundaries)....(Taxes)....My wife puts taxes off until the last minute...I do not...So we file married and separate....It works for us....Mine were done a month before the old deadline, and she just did hers because she will be at the beach when the 15th gets here....(Travel/riding) with her.....I do not vacation with her often due to her desire to control things....(This forced accountability is just my avoiding the conflict we have suffered in the past, when I would enable her...But, I was suffering inside (angry/bitter)...I had to pray about that, I had to be delivered...So now it's respectful sharing...Me as the husband, and her as the wife, or I will take no part in it...Also I hardly ever ride with her...Three reasons...She refuses to not play w/ her phone, she runs late, and her car is so full of junk, I can't get in it.....:)
Most areas of life that is dysfunctional, can be helped by placing boundaries, it can limit the chaos and conflict that you may be experiencing now....Warning! It may take a while for the boundary to be respected, my wife was so spoiled (by me) that she was angry when I stopped the enabling, and held her accountable for control and manipulations attempts...(accountable as in, no thank you, not interested)
The hardest part for me (a people pleaser) was saying no....But after I did it a while I realized she was changing, and so was I....For the better....She was gaining respect, and I was gaining acceptance of our huge differences....She gradually has started putting a little more effort into chores, sex, communication....I had to learn to not be a pouting butt hole every time she hurt my feelings with that distracted independent mind....If she disrespects me by running off making decisions like she was single.....I just make her pay by my none participation w/o the attitude...It's took years for me...But by God's Grace I've learned to step aside and just do what's right for me....And if things go bad for her, well then she can more clearly see the lesson that is there for her to learn...
And number 2)....We don't have spouses that we can relate to....We have very different minds....If you attempt to think for them, you will never be at peace....You have to live and let live....Knowing the limitations...That is why we need boundaries...You may feel completely abandoned, and used at times....But in most incidents it's the product of a distracted self absorbed mind....Add/adhd creates the ME effect for many men and women....Many men and women who suffer w/ hyper focus and self absorbed minds (IMO) should not bite off the role of a spouse....Because the results for so many is just what we are identifying here...There are plenty of exceptions, (not putting them in a basket) where men and women take complete ownership, and manage their lives with the understanding of their tendencies....
I hope this is beneficial, please ask any questions you think I or the other men and ladies here can help with...
Bless you both!
c
Keep the advice coming!
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
This is great!
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
Yes very helpful to me too. Totally get that we have to own our stuff (why is this concept coming in from everywhere these days?) For my score, I am unable to extract "me" from "him" in many ways and areas so what is mine to own gets blurred....the enmeshment is the big blob of dyssie Functional!
Yes Keri, aggressive, scary driving happens here too especially when he wants to use the car as a weapon against me. The results are just like with you only we don't have kids in the car....but the yelling, the name calling, the tailgating and swerving - it's sicko. One time he got out of the car at an intersection and had words with another driver!!!! Scared me to death! Not sure all this is ADHD related at all, certainly is lack of self control, anger and complete bullshit.
Finances where do I start. We file jointly, always have, our finances are co-joined to file separately would be a nightmare, course it's a nightmare like this too. He had procrastinated for so many years now, I'm totally embarrassed to even speak it. Since I keep the bank accounts, sort of....he wants things a definite certain way (cluttered, too many accounts, nobody keeping the store) and since it's been so many years, once we try to tackle the taxes, the banks that had those accounts have now been bought out and are closed....so statements are not available....it's been so many years, who can remember where that $200 came from and why is that transfer like that? And who did what with what money? It's a total mess and gets worse the more he procrastinates. We are self employed so are supposed to keep track of things and nobody does.....the chaos of day to day living is all I can barely keep up with...to try to hire a bookkeeper or accountant or anything like that enrages him due to his shame and embarrassment of it so it gets put off and off....I'm going out of my mind here.
Reading the Orlov book on marriage makes me wonder if there isn't something other than ADHD going on here as well, like manic depression. The manic part is his frantic working/working/working sort of a keeping things frantic so prevents having to face the inevitabilities surely to come....I have no idea. But there is a manic expression sometimes and depression very occasionally but mainly chaotic working.
Keri, is your SO aware and willing to work on it, at least able to admit there are symptoms? I get C ur self's warnings that these things take time, lots of it, but to be honest, I CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS.
Many thanks to both of you for sharing. I wish there was a table with y'all sitting across from me too!
<3 D&E
To D&E
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
To Keri
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
I can't hand him a book to read, I have to read to him, ridiculous I know. He doesn't have the basic info so what else can I do? And talk about slow-going.....I'm having trouble seeing any hope at this point.
You've been there for him D&E...
Submitted by c ur self on
You have done like many of us do....You supported and honored your spouse and worked beside him...You allowed things to happen that you know isn't right, (sounds like for fear of his reaction to large degree), so you have a decision to make....Life works out, do not carry a bunch of stress and anxiety over it, that only breaks down your health in all areas....I can't tell you what to do, but, I will tell you what i would do....Do my best to fix what I could...(Get the train back on the track as best as possible with what you have available to work with)....It's your life also, your in it as much as he is...I wouldn't care at this point how he felt about you cleaning up YOUR financial life...
Most marriages operate just like you have attempted to do....Fully invested in every area of life....I did it with my first (late) wife for 30 years, and it worked pretty well, we were close, and we worked through the hard spots together....BIG key....TOGETHER....
Life works well when we can discipline for the big picture...See and attend to the FULL circle of life...Many add/adhd people find themselves hyper focused on part of that circle (your spouse work) (my spouse fun and entertainment) So we need to recognize this fact, and set boundaries to keep OUR lives in order...
c
ok c
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
thank you. Together right got it <tears>
Bless you dear....
Submitted by c ur self on
We must thankfully press on, because that unity or together thing just isn't possible for many of us, in many area's, accepting it, gives us new focus....It free's us from the what if's....<3
See My post in this thread RE: Finances
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Here is what my fiance and I came up with--
So because both of us have had negative experiences with partners and money we have agreed that once we are together under the same roof we will each have our own separate accounts. We will then have a third account into which we deposit money proportionate to what each of us makes. That third account is what we will pay our expenses from: mortgage, gas bill, water, electric, etcetera. The reason he came up with us each depositing a percentage is because it would be unfair to expect me to deposit the same amount that he does, when I make about half as much as he makes.
Spiteful?...Think about it...Guts? to just be yourself?
Submitted by c ur self on
What is a marriage relationship? Isn't it the lives of TWO people becoming the one flesh?...The first thing we all have to do is realize it's not rebellion, disrespectful or unloving to live OUR lives in a manner that we each feel is wise (right for us)....When we find ourselves scared to do the right thing in our own eyes out of fear of how our spouse will react, that is a huge problem...Now saying that, many of us have been there with our spouses....The walking on eggshells, the fear of a bad reaction...So how do we fix this?
I got there, but, because of the fear it was like being drug down many miles of gravel road (Painful)....Why? Because divorce or separation wasn't an option for me...I tied myself to the dysfunction, she knew it, and she used it to her advantage....She had no reason to want to change her meal ticket was secure....A couple of years ago, I come to peace with wanting what is best for us both to have a peaceful life...I realized her life worked for her, as chaotic as it is, it's what she knew...And mine was much different, but, I didn't need her, she created only extra work for me.....So I set her down and discussed it with her...Not as much as your the problem (because I hated it, and I do love her) but, just stated the facts of our everyday lives, and choices, we want to live life differently...Any time couples can't agree on what is right for the relationship...The uncaring intrusive/abusive party that has no conscience to give or discipline their lives always wins..(In this fleshly life, until they lose the person they thought they loved)..(Any time will forcing is going on, some one is hurting, whether it's me, or her attempting to force it)...Add/adhd minded people are very susceptible to forcing their will (we can all be selfish!) in my experience, because of these facts....1) Puts a lot of emphasis on fun and entertainment...Gives less attention to responsibilities....Makes excuses for this (it's who I am!)....Distraction and attention issues creates problems in THEIR lives, so they learn quickly to USE who ever is available as their tool to right their problems...(ring my phone, have you saw my phone, keys etc, will you, will you, will you, it goes on and on with really not much thought about the effects on the wife or child's life) It's not about love, it's about reality...It's about effect.....No matter the reason.....
(Bills)....My wife didn't readily accept her bill paying :) (still shorts me)...I told her when we married if she would help our youngest with his living expense's while away at college, I would pay all of our common bills..TV, internet, gas, power, water, garbage) which her half is around 225 per month...So after he graduated a few years ago, I informed her she will need to start paying half...She had a melt down which I just stood there smiling because of two very important things (I expected it, normal for her, and like I said earlier, I had come to peace with ending it, if that was the only way to a peaceful existence)...I just said...No one lives free, you paid bills all your life before we married, and you will pay them until you die...The reason I asked for this was because I was retired (fixed income) and she was still working...Our incomes are about the same....
All I can tell you is move past your fear, you need to be you....I would tell my husband...Either the phone goes and you drive with your full attention on the road, or I don't ride with you! Period! No if and or buts....You want do this until you free yourself from control and manipulation...You may need to right this stuff down, and read it to him in front of a good counselor....Find yourself, then you will know how to calmly stand up to him...
Add/adhd minded people do 100 times better if you speak nicely and keep it short...One thing at a time, do not over whelm him with details or go on and on....I would just tell him there are going to be change for yourself, that you aren't happy with some of the things going on with you....Let him wonder what those things are for a few days...He needs to hear you, and he will hear you better when he realizes he has no power over you to force his will....
Blessings
I will continue to pray for your family....
c
Thank you c ur self !
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
More helpful than you can know. Day 6 of our separation and he has had no time to even sit and talk at all. Several "gotta do now" things at the cabins (we have 4 vacation rentals that we Airbnb) rarely can hire help except cleaners so maintenance, grounds, etc he does and I do operations and its all very full time. He came home yesterday to hunt around for a tool he needed and didn't find it. (BIG ISSUE - clutter everywhere, can't find anything) He thinks I do things with his stuff and admittedly I attempt to keep things organized and have to stowe his clutter in boxes or drawers just to keep from having to look at constant mess.....anyway, that didn't go well as he could not find the tool which was a trigger for both of us. I'm sorry if I'm getting too personal but I've been living with this crazy-making for so long now with nobody to talk to .......so thanks for just listening. XOXOX
D&E
It's fine D&E
Submitted by c ur self on
You can't get to personal for me....Life is personal...I'm married to someone a lot like him in many ways....
It's kind of Dang if we do and dang if we don't.... I understand what you said completely....I try to not go behind my wife picking up, but, we all can back slide...(To look at the mess is awful for us to endure LOL) So since she, like he, is just looking for someone to blame (instead of looking in the mirror, that they hate so bad) when their messy/hoarding reality is causing them so much pain, we become their favorite target.....If I've disciplined my self to not touch it (except to kick trip hazards out of my way) then I have no part in it...
I have learned to not be bullied and not react to her stress filled comments...I will laugh and walk away...As for as Im concerned she has it just like she wants it...It's her choice....I only punish myself for helping someone who isn't thankful, and in reality really hates a lot about her life....Many of our spouses never get hugely close to even their spouses, because of the jealousy they have for how easily (it seems to them) we get through life...I;ve found that to be true for my wife....They have to learn that you are on their side out of love...It's not a competition, my wife has only recently (12 years) started to accept and trust that a little.....
c
c Are you saying......
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
That, for the most part...that those with ADHD (due to the effects) will rarely actually do the work it takes to build a rational, adult, functional relationship? That "we" are the ones who have to learn about this, erect boundaries that remain, who change and do the work and become reasonably self-actualized and all those grown up things while they continue to remain unaware and enjoy the benefits and results of our growth? Tell me you're not saying that. I'm not being snarky just a little rattled by what is coming into focus based upon a small portion of everything I am sure you have discovered in your many years at this. (sigh) I assume you don't actually have numbers on this but from what you've seen and learned.....what are the odds....
No...All do not go in the same box....
Submitted by c ur self on
I intentionally spoke about us (the spouses) changing for two reasons...1) if we make our spouses "our projects" then we have loads more trouble coming, and 2) It's impossible to change another human, they only change when THEY see the need to...Just like everyone else.....
Try to be the fly on the wall, detach emotionally as best you can, and try to view things based on the facts as you know them....Strengths and weaknesses....To keep it simple forget about adhd for a second...Think about your own life, his life, your children, friends etc....What we have in every human is visible behaviors, that evolve from our thoughts and feelings which has been formed from genetics (nature) and all the things life as dealt us, or we feel the need to pursue, all the way back to infancy (nurture)...We usually call it baggage if it's bad....So behaviors are measured on a sliding scale...1 to 10.
People with add/adhd are on different places on the scale...What one has to battle, the next one want as much or not at all...When you get diagnosed, doctors will tell you what level they feel you score at...My child scored mild to moderate...My wife is high on the scale on most things....She takes Adderall probably 20 grams a day...She has to have it to focus enough to function on her job...She takes on a zombie wondering/lost look and actions when unmediated, (best I can explain it)
When it comes to having this healthy attachment you speak of...It can definitely happen with an add/adhd spouse....The main thing that has to happen for that is.....Respect for how different our minds work (both parties)...Ownership of our behaviors (both parties)...It's easy to know if blame, or denial is happening, because calm communication is impossible...Only when we can calmly communicate, (build trust) do we have an ability to move forward...I personally have created many boundaries to protect us both from the inability to communicate for years....My wife has been defiant, defensive, blaming and in denial of her true self and behaviors, and the effect of those behaviors on others....
She just told me recently for the first time that she needed to change, and that she was changing...God is good!...I pray you and your husband can communicate, and he will respect your decisions to clean up the things that are causing you to be troubled....At some point you will have to do what you have to, to honor your conscience...Just like me....
c
Finances
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My fiance and I have worked out what we will do in the future once we are living together.
He has had some bad experiences in the past with partners and money. He has ADHD. His ex-wife handled the finances. They both worked full-time and he handed over his check to her, trusting that she was doing the right thing . The problem with that is he had no idea what she was spending the money on, and he was working his butt off for nothing.
My ex-husband was very controlling when it came to finances. I had to account for every single penny I spent while he could do whatever he wanted...
So because both of us have had negative experiences with partners and money we have agreed that once we are together under the same roof we will each have our own separate accounts. We will then have a third account into which we deposit money proportionate to what each of us makes. That third account is what we will pay our expenses from: mortgage, gas bill, water, electric, etcetera. The reason he came up with us each depositing a percentage is because it would be unfair to expect me to deposit the same amount that he does, when I make about half as much as he makes.
Also, having separate accounts just makes sense for both of us. We were married to people who tried to control us with money and I'm not having it and neither is he. I will not be controlled or told how to spend my money.
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Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
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