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I can see that now. Though my husband does not seem as nasty either. I did not have a good relationship with my father, actually, I didn't have one at all. I'm sure that doesn't help me much!My sister has the same 'personality". We haven't spoken as she's prone to rage about nothing and I don't like to be her target. I've got my own ADD husband to deal with and that's more than enough.
I, too, have begun to suspect that my father has ADD, ever since I've been learning about it vis a vis my husband. Seems like a lot of the undiagnosed manifestations: neglect, not really being "present," rage/verbal abuse, arrogance, defensiveness, financial recklessness, having a different "face" for people outside the family than at home, crazy driving, hoarding, etc. etc. And no empathy. To this day, he will find a way to blame his own children and wife for anything that goes wrong (even if it doesn't involve him -- I once had a "friend" who stole money from me, and he yelled at me, asking what I had "done" that would have made her do that. It made no sense.)
I've been in a little bit of a depression also, wondering how growing up with all of that might have affected my choice of mate. It's painful because I feel pretty well-adjusted and self-confident, despite all of the craziness growing up, so I don't think I consciously or subconsciously sought out someone like my father (my therapist says I didn't). In fact, I feel like I was very conscious about how my dad treated my mom and really tried to look for someone who would be the opposite.
I think I did find a really good person. The key is believing that the person in the hyperfocus stage is real. But then they get buried under all the ADD. I am fortunate that my husband is starting to dig back out, and I am seeing "him" again -- and he's nothing like my father. But if he hadn't gotten diagnosed and taken responsibility for it, I would have been right back where I started as a kid.
Ah yes, I was just thinking this too. I always (in the past) found guys like Keith Urban and Robert Downy Jr more alluring than people like Bill Gates or Mister Rogers. Not any more. I don't find it attractive for me to have to bear the extra weight on MY shoulders to have to "mother" another adult who is sabataging my best efforts. Someone who at middle age still acts like a sexy teenager who you are not able to trust. My message to young people.... For a lasting relationship, love a person who makes you want to be BETTER TOGETHER....not a person who stirs your "romantic buttons" and causes you heartache and grief and guilt and shame. I know this will fall on deaf ears just as it would have to me at a young age. You fall for what you fall for. I don't know how to word this better to portray what I am trying to say but right now, I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be with someone who is thoughtful, sincere, partnering, honest, hard-working, visionary and able to plan together. I guess I thought dh had some of those qualities, but I was wrong. The red flags that I didn't see were:
Trying to be funny in the midst of chaos. ....trying to distract us and denying any problems, calling ME names when he had a problem - a nag and a worrier. (And I believed him - wrong!)
Being TOO optimistic when it comes to budgeting time or money ... It is nearly impossible to see this red flag when you are young and the future is ahead of you...you just think he is very generous (not good at budgeting) and calm (inattentive).
Making you wait without communication or standing you up (many times with an excuse for being late or not showing up but the "no contact" and leaving you in the lurch happens too often).
Look at the friends he hangs with. If you think he is better than the people he hangs with, you are wrong... he is doing/not doing the same things his friends are doing/not doing.
If it crosses your mind that with a little help and direction from you he will be able to climb above some childhood lack of direction and bad habits and that he will be grateful to you one day. You are wrong on both counts.
If you are on this board, you probably know this already. But for those of you trying to make sense of what you are dealing with in the early days of relationship, I will post it. Before marriage you MUST talk and AGREE about financial goals and family planning. Even then, if you suspect you are marrying a bad boy (as in "we'll muddle through together having a good time and laughing a lot, having lots of sex and not taking life very seriously"), he may promise and lie telling you what he thinks you want to hear but not really planning ahead.
It was familiar territory
Submitted by Clarity on
I can see that now. Though my husband does not seem as nasty either. I did not have a good relationship with my father, actually, I didn't have one at all. I'm sure that doesn't help me much!My sister has the same 'personality". We haven't spoken as she's prone to rage about nothing and I don't like to be her target. I've got my own ADD husband to deal with and that's more than enough.
Yes, I Thought of That
Submitted by Ren on
I, too, have begun to suspect that my father has ADD, ever since I've been learning about it vis a vis my husband. Seems like a lot of the undiagnosed manifestations: neglect, not really being "present," rage/verbal abuse, arrogance, defensiveness, financial recklessness, having a different "face" for people outside the family than at home, crazy driving, hoarding, etc. etc. And no empathy. To this day, he will find a way to blame his own children and wife for anything that goes wrong (even if it doesn't involve him -- I once had a "friend" who stole money from me, and he yelled at me, asking what I had "done" that would have made her do that. It made no sense.)
I've been in a little bit of a depression also, wondering how growing up with all of that might have affected my choice of mate. It's painful because I feel pretty well-adjusted and self-confident, despite all of the craziness growing up, so I don't think I consciously or subconsciously sought out someone like my father (my therapist says I didn't). In fact, I feel like I was very conscious about how my dad treated my mom and really tried to look for someone who would be the opposite.
I think I did find a really good person. The key is believing that the person in the hyperfocus stage is real. But then they get buried under all the ADD. I am fortunate that my husband is starting to dig back out, and I am seeing "him" again -- and he's nothing like my father. But if he hadn't gotten diagnosed and taken responsibility for it, I would have been right back where I started as a kid.
Father, husband, brothers with ADD
Submitted by Linsy on
I think this is interesting. I feel as if I was 'set up' or 'programmed' not to find 'normal' men with normal lives attractive.
Bad boys
Submitted by jennalemon on
Ah yes, I was just thinking this too. I always (in the past) found guys like Keith Urban and Robert Downy Jr more alluring than people like Bill Gates or Mister Rogers. Not any more. I don't find it attractive for me to have to bear the extra weight on MY shoulders to have to "mother" another adult who is sabataging my best efforts. Someone who at middle age still acts like a sexy teenager who you are not able to trust. My message to young people.... For a lasting relationship, love a person who makes you want to be BETTER TOGETHER....not a person who stirs your "romantic buttons" and causes you heartache and grief and guilt and shame. I know this will fall on deaf ears just as it would have to me at a young age. You fall for what you fall for. I don't know how to word this better to portray what I am trying to say but right now, I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be with someone who is thoughtful, sincere, partnering, honest, hard-working, visionary and able to plan together. I guess I thought dh had some of those qualities, but I was wrong. The red flags that I didn't see were:
Trying to be funny in the midst of chaos. ....trying to distract us and denying any problems, calling ME names when he had a problem - a nag and a worrier. (And I believed him - wrong!)
Being TOO optimistic when it comes to budgeting time or money ... It is nearly impossible to see this red flag when you are young and the future is ahead of you...you just think he is very generous (not good at budgeting) and calm (inattentive).
Making you wait without communication or standing you up (many times with an excuse for being late or not showing up but the "no contact" and leaving you in the lurch happens too often).
Look at the friends he hangs with. If you think he is better than the people he hangs with, you are wrong... he is doing/not doing the same things his friends are doing/not doing.
If it crosses your mind that with a little help and direction from you he will be able to climb above some childhood lack of direction and bad habits and that he will be grateful to you one day. You are wrong on both counts.
If you are on this board, you probably know this already. But for those of you trying to make sense of what you are dealing with in the early days of relationship, I will post it. Before marriage you MUST talk and AGREE about financial goals and family planning. Even then, if you suspect you are marrying a bad boy (as in "we'll muddle through together having a good time and laughing a lot, having lots of sex and not taking life very seriously"), he may promise and lie telling you what he thinks you want to hear but not really planning ahead.