Submitted by aweekinparis on 08/24/2009.
Hi everyone-I'm new to the forum. I'm ordering some books and beginning to search for help/treatment after having to diagnose my husband myself (isn't that the way these relationships tend to go??? If it's going to be done, you've got to do it yourself???)
I've spent 14 years arranging and paying for different professionals to treat his issues (depression, anger, sexual dysfunction, "laziness", detachment, complete emotional withdrawal, unemployment, apathy, severe procrastination, etc.) and not one ever suggested ADD. It took the now-famous recent Dr.Phil episode on adult ADD for me to realize precisely what was going on.
My question is, once you've got a diagnosis and there is an explanation, how do you deal with all the regret/resentment of the (many) horrible, insane, sad, lonely, and ridiculously stressful years spent without diagnosis?? Living with this man has sucked every last ounce of life out of me, and I SO resent that for 14 years, I could have none of my needs met (and I fear that future years won't meet any of my relationship needs, either!) and that I didn't have the time, money, space, or energy to do or be what I want. My mental and physical health has been absolutely ravaged, and I've worked myself to the bone to keep things going financially. I feel so angry that 14 years of my life have been lost to this black hole of time, money, and energy.
People may say "there must have been some good times" that I should focus on instead, but I can honestly say there were only times (briefly) that things weren't dire...a week where he actually made some money or didn't berate me constantly as the source of his every problem or bad feeling. Quite literally every day has been a frantic struggle to keep things from falling apart while simultaneously dealing with the negative, apathetic, detached, and angry ADD personality. No-not good times at all. I'm finding it hard not to be angry about all that lost time, and all the sad, lonely, and miserable days I spent wondering if the rest of my life would be that way (and what I had done to deserve it). How do I move past this? And how do I stop being responsible for absolutely everything, so that the next 14 years aren't the same hell? I know that I have to stop doing everything for him, but what do I stop doing that won't also ruin my life/my kids' lives/our financial security, etc.? Is there honestly any hope of an ADD spouse being able to meet any of the relationship needs of a Non-ADD spouse, or is the future going to be about me getting rid of all expectations and accepting what is? Is ANYONE out there working through this "post-diagnosis" confusion?
I've spent 14 years arranging and paying for different professionals to treat his issues (depression, anger, sexual dysfunction, "laziness", detachment, complete emotional withdrawal, unemployment, apathy, severe procrastination, etc.) and not one ever suggested ADD. It took the now-famous recent Dr.Phil episode on adult ADD for me to realize precisely what was going on.
My question is, once you've got a diagnosis and there is an explanation, how do you deal with all the regret/resentment of the (many) horrible, insane, sad, lonely, and ridiculously stressful years spent without diagnosis?? Living with this man has sucked every last ounce of life out of me, and I SO resent that for 14 years, I could have none of my needs met (and I fear that future years won't meet any of my relationship needs, either!) and that I didn't have the time, money, space, or energy to do or be what I want. My mental and physical health has been absolutely ravaged, and I've worked myself to the bone to keep things going financially. I feel so angry that 14 years of my life have been lost to this black hole of time, money, and energy.
People may say "there must have been some good times" that I should focus on instead, but I can honestly say there were only times (briefly) that things weren't dire...a week where he actually made some money or didn't berate me constantly as the source of his every problem or bad feeling. Quite literally every day has been a frantic struggle to keep things from falling apart while simultaneously dealing with the negative, apathetic, detached, and angry ADD personality. No-not good times at all. I'm finding it hard not to be angry about all that lost time, and all the sad, lonely, and miserable days I spent wondering if the rest of my life would be that way (and what I had done to deserve it). How do I move past this? And how do I stop being responsible for absolutely everything, so that the next 14 years aren't the same hell? I know that I have to stop doing everything for him, but what do I stop doing that won't also ruin my life/my kids' lives/our financial security, etc.? Is there honestly any hope of an ADD spouse being able to meet any of the relationship needs of a Non-ADD spouse, or is the future going to be about me getting rid of all expectations and accepting what is? Is ANYONE out there working through this "post-diagnosis" confusion?
First- try to remember that
Submitted by bellajovi on
First- try to remember that you can't change the past, so it's doesn't do any good to hold on to it. It took me a long time to realize this. It seems that living with an ADHD spouse involves alot of different issues and maybe the best way to start to heal is to address one at a time.
In my case our financial situation was a major issue in my anger and resentment. After my husband received his diagnosis about 3 years ago I thought, wow maybe once he is on the proper medication and in therapy he will actually be able to hold a job and provide for his family. Not that he hadn't tried for the past 20 years of our marriage, he was just never able to succeed because of his ADHD. After being unemployed for 2 years after the diagnosis he tried going back to work, it lasted 3 weeks. That is when we made the decision to apply for Social Security Disability. Amazingly he was approved in about 4 months, but we still had to file for bankruptcy since we had been using credit cards for 3 years to make up for his lack of income. After the stress of wondering how we were going to survive financially was gone I was able to start looking at the other issues that were causing the resent. There are many.
I think his receiving disability kind of open my eyes to the fact that his ADHD was real. I constantly think what if he was stricken by a stroke or had a brain injury that would make him unable to do the things that I expect him to do now but he can't. Would I be feeling the same anger and resentment or would I be more compasionate and accept that I would need to be the one handling everything. Although I think this often I still find myself angry, wondering why does he have to be like this? It isn't fair to me. I deserve to have someone to share responsibilities with and to take care of me once in a while. I have a long way to go to be anger free but I'm working on it.
ANGER, FRUSTRATION, RESENTMENT & ADHD
Submitted by ARTANGEL on
I thank the Universe that I found this site, it gives me courage and determination to forge forward with what I have to do for myself. I feel like a fool for not having done something earlier about addressing the laundry list of problems we have had throughout out marriage. The strife and suffering has been vast. When I think back to the early days, I knew something was wrong within the first month of our marriage. I was very compliant then, accommodating, accepting, giving more than I had to give, emotionally and physically, always compensating. I realize now that I was a single parent all along. I always lived in hope that one day things would change. He would wake up and listen? no pun intended. That was just a joke, it was always my issues that needed to be sorted out and I needed attention. I persued numerous therapists, most of whom were incompetant. Now I know they are certainly not all created equally. What a waste of time and money !!!
We have lived on three continents, raised three children, he has held executive jobs and now runs his own business. The anxiety level is always close to a 10 on the scale because I guess its very difficult for ADHD's to focus which causes extreme stress. He is continously flying by the seat of his pants, with my help of course. He is very smart and knows how to make it work. Thankfully, he has financially supported us all the way but at the expense of the marriage. Now that we are older and I am much wiser, I realise that I was the one that held the fort every step of the way. For a while there I had three jobs, the home, all childrens activities and need, assisted him to build the business as well as trying to meet my own needs. He was only able to do one. He gave it his ALL and therefore had nothing left at the end of the day, or the week or the month for me or the children. The children are now grown and he is still the same way. Over the years I've tried to address the issues with him but he is a master negotiator and turns everything into my isues, nothing that he is willing to take responsibility for or we end up with empty promises. I am sooooooo fed up and exhausted, I feel spent.
Recently, I left home because of stress. When I found myself looking after my 90 year old mother and a BPD daughter and an ADD husband, I just could not handle everyones neurosis all at once. My nervous system was a wreck and I realized that if I did not do something, I would be the one to suffer the consequences. I've been away now for three months, alone in the mountains, re-grouping, sleeping, acupuncture , taking care of myself, reading this website and making decisions about how I want to live the rest of my life. They are all managing quite fine without me.
I feel ashamed to say, its been 41 years of this, believe it or not. I do not have any more energy for more anger, resentment, frustration or gallons of tears I've already shed. I have a plan now, I will follow through with it or this marriage will end. He IS going to counselling when I get back so that we can have a proper diagnosis and treatment, to learn a thing or two, the alternative being to live by the consequesces of his "in action". I will have peace, love and harmony in this life, if even for a short time. Thank you Melissa, Ned and everyone who has added to this forum. I am looking up from here, I guess its a long journey to find out who you really are.
Please don't feel ashamed!
Submitted by arwen on
Artangel, you say you feel ashamed to say that it has been 41 years of living with your spouse's ADD. Please do not feel ashamed! Every one of those years is a medal of your courage and heroism. YES. You have shouldered a terrible load, and as someone who has been married for almost 35 years to an ADD spouse myself, I tell you "Well done"!!! And now you have reached the wisdom to see you no longer need to shoulder it, and it's time for you to rest, and only take up again whatever seems right and worthy. Good for you!
I reached the point where you are myself, four years ago, but my husband had been diagnosed 10 years earlier and was already on medication and in counseling, so we had the advantage of having those aids already in place. (It was difficult to get him to a diagnosis in the first place, though -- in our case, my husband had started having traffic accidents and almost lost his license -- so after he totalled the car, I deemed him a true danger on the road and when he was unaware, I took all the car keys and hid them, refusing to return them until he had seen a professional who was knowledgeable to make a proper diagnosis.) My husband's counselor suggested some changes in our dynamic -- there were things my husband had to change, but there were also thing I had to change. I'm fundamentally an impatient angry person -- I had to learn to modify that behavior (because we came to realize that although my anger heightened my ability to think and speak, it reduced my husband's brain function to goo because he became so emotional, it interfered with his synaptic activity -- totally counterproductive). My husband had to learn to listen more carefully and communicate more effectively, which we accomplished by setting up formal meetings for us to discuss whatever matters we needed to address jointly (as mundane as whose turn was it to take the dog to the groomer, or as difficult and broad as why he lies about money), with agendas and notes. There were other adjustments. It was very difficult at first, and our marriage is still less than ideal, but at least now it is a healthy functional marriage.
Good luck to you in your journey -- I hope your outcome is as positive for you as mine was for me!
moving past the bad years
Submitted by arwen on
aweek, this is hard to answer. My husband was diagnosed with ADD in his early 40's. His ADD was the flavor that largely disappears in puberty and reapppears in midlife (we hypothesize a hormonal/serotonin relationship) -- nobody knew he had ADD and he didn't act like somebody with ADD when we met and married. By the time we were married for 25 years, he'd been exhibiting symptoms for 10 years, diagnosed for 5 years, and was on meds and in counseling, but he'd gone from denying he had ADD at the beginning to excusing every behavioral problem with his ADD ("I can't help it"), and I was fed up. Through insights that came from my kids, I came to realize I needed to free myself, *in my head*, and then in real terms as much as possible, from my husband, to be neither dependent on him for anything, nor to allow him to depend on me. (See Melissa Orlov's blog post "Learning to Like Yourself Again -- non-ADD spouse version".) What I had not expected was that once I did this, I didn't care about what had happened. I had already stopped being angry or upset with my husband about the behaviors before he had been diagnosed -- if you are not on meds and not getting counseling, it can be very difficult to behave appropriately and a lot of it really isn't under the ADDer's control. I still couldn't forgive him the excuses and the lack of effort on his part to modify his behaviors since he had been diagnosed -- I don't to this day. But it didn't matter. It was done and in the past and couldn't be changed. All that could be changed was the future, and if my husband didn't work with me fairly and honestly, I would find myself a better life without him.
It sounds like you are in a different point in your life than I was, perhaps you have younger children, so I can understand you may feel you cannot do this, depending on your circumstances. But if you can do this even to a partial degree, it may be a significant help. There are a number of posts on this forum about steps you can take in this direction. Basically, the strategy that many of us seem to have evolved is one of containment. Examples:
You will probably have to do all the managing of stuff for your kids, you will probably have to be responsible for everything that matters to them and to you, but you can set things up so you have to manage your spouse as little as possible. No, it's not fair, and you haven't done anything to deserve it, but most of us have found it is better than the alternatives. I know you don't want to hear that life is not always fair -- we always want it to be! -- but unfortunately that's the reality we have to deal with. If you hang on to the resentment, all you will probably accomplish is that you will keep hurting yourself.
"Is there honestly any hope of an ADD spouse being able to meet any of the relationship needs of a Non-ADD spouse..." Definitely, yes. My husband has been on meds and counseling for 15 years now. We were separated for almost a year during that time. We've both worked really hard on our relationship the last five years. He can't meet all my needs, but he does meet many of them, the ones that are most important to me. I can't guarantee this will happen for you, but it is possible. "Is the future going to be about me getting rid of all expectations and accepting what is?" No, but you may need to modify your expectations. I found it extremely helpful to learn what really goes on in the ADD brain, and how that affects behavior, it helped me to understand what I could reasonably expect and what I couldn't. I expect my husband not to lie to me. I expect him to keep his promises and the agreements we make about our policies in our relationship. I expect him take his meds on schedule and not track mud in the house. I don't expect him to remember where we keep the Scotch tape, or to throw away his empty cereal box, or what the recycling rules are. My husband's brain can only remember a small fixed number of things. I have to pick my battles. I found it helped me to think of my husband's ADD as a physical disability, like being blind. Would I expect a person blind from birth to be able to describe a rainbow? Admittedly, it can be challenging to figure out just what *is* reasonable to expect with ADD, because each person's case is different, but it's not impossible.
There's a lot of helpful ideas in the posts on this forum, and Melissa Orlov has all kinds of good advice in her blogs -- I urge to read all you can here and keep asking questions. Even if no one has a concrete answer to your particular problem, the responses may spark an idea. Those of us who have been through your experience want to help, we know how tough it can be. (For myself, I figure if somebody else can benefit from what I've learned, then maybe all the misery wasn't a total waste!)
Hang in there, you are not alone.
Moving Past Anger Resentment
Submitted by ptc909294 on
This is my first time on the site. When I read your post I turned to my wife of 23 years and said "I just read your post!" I would laugh if it wasnt so sad, too. However, please let me tell you my/our experiences to date. I was diagnosed with ADHD back in January 2009. I immediately began to tale Vyvanse and saw a Cognitive Behavioal Therapist at least once a month.
We have seen numerous marriage therapists. We each have had an affair. I have been in recovery for alcoholism since January 2002. Everything that you wrote I can completely understand and identify with withiin the context of my marriage. I recall apologizing to my wife about my infidelity. She said I didnt seem remorseful. Inside, I was petrified because she was right. I really wasnt on an emotional level, but knew that my actions were terrible. I was confused as to how I ended up so far "off the moral beam". Every job was a struggle at best. It was her successful career and her ability to sacrifice that has enabled our family to take vacations, afford a beautiful home in a wonderful neighborhood, and send the first of three children off to college.
Something happened to me in the past week. Maybe it was nothing more than a moment of clarity. However, in one instant the enormity of how I lived my life, how I have put my family at risk financially, and just how I trashed the sanctity of my relationship with my wife fell upon me. Suddenly I saw my family as something to protect as important in and of itself, whereas before I was just another individual. My need to connect with my family is so intense right now.
I hired an accountant and have spent the past three weeks filing taxes for the past three years. As is always the case, the fear was greater than the reality. It is such a relief to be making progress in this area.
I am sure that she is waiting for the other shoe to drop. For me, I cannot come up with one reason for her to stay with me. I told her I often felt she should take the children and leave me for their own safety and security. For the first time (I am 51) I am truly thankful and feel connected to my family. I guess I hit a bottom where I was willing to accept the consequences of my actions and move forward in life. I would rather be honest in all my affairs and accept the result rather than force through deception something unnatural.
I willing gave her the passwords to all my email accounts, computers, cell phones. I am committed to always being reachable and always answering my phone when she calls. I do not have the luxury of complete privacy as I need to rebuild the trust. And, while I fell my complete identity is undergoing a total shakeup, I realize that ADHD is my disease and my responsibility. Therefore, I see my mistakes as the actions of a person with untreated ADHD in the past, but it doesnt remove the responsibility of my actions.
And to think, all I wanted to get out of treatment was the ability to find my cell phone, wallet and keys each morning! By the way, I havent lost them since I started taking vyvanse in January!