Hello all. Wish i had found this site sooner. Even if, i am not sure it would have made a difference. This does seem therapeutic putting into words my struggles with my wife. About my wife... Genuinely a giving, hard working, quirky, sometimes loving, child like woman whom "in the beginning" i was madly in love with. Me, i am the Epmath, the Savior, the do everything to avoid the inevitable EXPLOSIVE, MANIC episodes that have become more and more frequent over time. My wife and i are both 56... Same generation, Same music, Same TV shows, We "click".. Both previously married to "cheating" spouses.. (Her X husband w her friend and next door neighbor, My X wife with younger man during one of my Deployments to Afghanistan) Yes, i am Military, ARMY, 34 yrs... Regimented, Focused, Reliable, almost robotic. I was good for her (her words) in the beginning. I helped her FOCUS and educated myself regarding her ADHD. We dated for approx 9 yrs (off/on roller coaster) We married in 2017, so 4 years into this and i have recently filed for Divorce (its sad) but i am at a point ot where i can no longer help her as she is unwilling to acknowledge and get help for herself. She is often times Angry, i mean, uncontrollable to where she is breaking s*** in our home. Tantrums, almost child like for the smallest things. Getting confrontational with complete strangers at stores ( and bragging about it). She is a professional at work, meaning same industry (Commercial Insurance) for 30 yrs!! Recent promotion, 12% increase in pay, more responsibilities, stress level has PEAKED.. No children between us. All of ours are grown. She has always been very good to my kids and i hers ( all are now adults). I recently brought up, inquired as to whether or not she had discussed with her doc ( whom she speaks with monthly for her Adderall) about her more frequent MANIC episodes.. This sent her into a rage, along with her not being able to find her bra, panties,.. Hair scrungie, or shoes and she tore through the house like a mad woman... Leaving a path of clothes from her drawer throughout bedroom. Cursing, Yelling, walking around the house like Chicken little and the world is ending as i calmly find all of the above mentioned items for her and instead of saying thanks babe ( as she used to do) it is WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME SOONER ASSHOLE! In a sense, i have created that.... As she relies on me for everything. She leaves her work computer in car, i retrieve it and charge for the night.. I wake her up every morning at 0730 and finally after a few times (every 15min) she is up by 0830.. I log her into her computer for work... I clean up daily, change toilet paper rolls, pay bills, take out trash, shop for groceries, take care of dinner, oh and i also have a FT job other than my retirement from Military (Regional Sales for Radiology company).. She resents that i often work from home and she runs a team of adjusters whom she often has to do their jobs on top of hers. she is a hard worker, no doubt... We do very well... But, i am unappreciated... Her grandkids, i treat as my own... She sees them often along with her adult kids.. All of my kids... Military... I get to see them every now and again.. and when i do... There is always some sort of drama right before they come to visit...It pisses me off... and has caused my kids not to come around as much...and they have noticed my unhappiness, my withdrawal, my depression. This ADHD thing has taken its toll... Am i rambling...? I have read a lot of posts on this forum that i can truly relate to, a lot of great advice that has reinforced my decision to end this marriage and focus on myself... It is NOT easy... As i know the trauma my wife suffered in her household as a child, adolescent.. Of her former husband who cheated on her, I am on this emotional roller coaster myself because i LOVE her... and CARE for her very much and KNOW that she cannot help these behaviors.. Nor can I... Her kids often tell me "You deserve a medal" for being with our mother... At times she can be the most caring person, She has a hard candy shell on the outside, yet sweet and soft on the inside.. I feel as though she has not been truthful about her DX.. and perhaps she has Bi polar disorder.. Again, i don't judge.. But if i bring anything up i am a CRUEL, TERRIBLE MAN.. I recently told her she was acting like her Schizophrenic nephew during one of her episodes. She was ANGRY and SAD that i would say that.. But she took it out of context... I wasn't being mean, judgemental, i was trying to make her see what she was doing.
I think i will digress for now and allow you all to provide some feedback... Sorry for the rambling... It is a difficult time for me and her... thanks in advance.
Hello Struggle
Submitted by c ur self on
Man I feel for you, I'm a lot like you say you are, and also married your wife's twin...It's taken a lot of work! And lots of pray!..And a whole lot of boundaries....Patients....And more work....And more patients....But it's the best it's ever been right now, after 13 years....
I wish you well in what ever you decide....I understand your wanting out of it....I had the same thoughts for years...She has humbled herself, and has really changed in many ways...Of course, so have I.....(Some keys for me has been..1) Boundaries 2) Stop mothering 3) Never attempt to think for her, or offer unsolicited advice. 4) Accept her reality, and set boundaries to protect from intrusive or abusive behavior...5) A good Christian counselor really helped w/ accountability for us both....
Never engage any comment from her that isn't loving, and always walk away from conversation attempts with any high or negative emotion present...Which for years due to her denial, was most of them.....
c
Hey C...
Submitted by ConstantStruggle on
Hey C...
Thank you for that positive input... Man....I love your outcome my friend... That would be awesome.
I have since spoken with a childhood, lifetime friend of hers who tells me that the "fog" has lifted from her and she is being honest with herself regarding why i left our home (20 Dec).. She told him that it was she who had started the whole thing and now she is regretful and in fear of the Divorce that SHE wanted and according to her has wanted for awhile. She is honest with him, he is a good dude and doesn't' take sides. (he is a gay friend)
She text me that she wanted to talk for no more than 10 min tonight for me to help her with paperwork for the attorney that she is retaining. My attorney obviously advised against it. In speaking with her friend turns out she hasn't even retained an attorney. It was a tactic that she used (defense mechanism) in order to show that she is ready to move forward.
She text tonight stating that she misses her husband and best friend...
I don't know if thats her and her true feelings or the manipulation until the next time.... Mental illness sucks for BOTH spouses... I have a big heart.. She has one too in their somewhere... Its just covered up with a hard candy shell... Her mind constantly tells her everyone is out to get her...
For me.. i know that i need to get out.... for her... i feel horrible that she will end up alone knowing that she f***ed this up... OR perhaps she'll be over it quickly and be like F*** him....
IDK my friend... THANK YOU for your time and candor... Much appreciated...
Peace, Healing, and a Clear Mind
Submitted by goldenchild321 on
I read your comments " I have a big heart.. She has one too in their somewhere... Its just covered up with a hard candy shell... Her mind constantly tells her everyone is out to get her...
For me.. i know that i need to get out.... for her... i feel horrible that she will end up alone knowing that she f***ed this up... OR perhaps she'll be over it quickly and be like F*** him...." and it sounded like me. I wasn't married but a committed relationship to an amazing woman who struggled with ADHD. After we broke up, I stopped commenting and just come on here to read peoples stories because its like therapy. I love to hear the stories that workout and empathize with those that don't. "C" is amazing and this community is great. I just wanted to wish you peace, healing, and a clear mind.
Hello C
Submitted by C-love (not verified) on
Hello C,
Thank you for your response. This site has saved me over the last year with my ADHD spouse. You describe yourself a lot like my personality. I am the non ADHD spouse. We are both Christ followers. That is the only thing keeping me here right now. This is our 3rd marriage for each of us. We both are recovered alchoholics/addicts. We have both known eachother since childhood, yet just reconnected and got married almost 3 years ago. We never lived together before marriage. COVID hit, we found out he has ADHD and the battle began. I have just recently walked away from tantrums, trying to love myself more and do the things you have mentioned above. I guess I need a ray of hope to keep going and see if you experienced what I am? My ADHD husband shows very little interest in "getting to know me". In fact I would say that our days are spent with me as his counselor listening, encouraging and empathizing with while its all about him day in and day out. He will ask me the generic questions but never wants to dive deep. Our sex life is void in my opinion and I live day by day just praying for a peaceful happy one where he sees me. He doesnt seem to know or want to have relationship with me. Doesnt know what to ask or dive into. Seems tired all the time even though he is sleeping 12 plus hours a day. He is on meds. He wont go to counseling and says I need to work on me getting diagnosed for my anxiety next before he will. He says all the right things one day and then does none of them. He is quite possibly the most boring person for me to be around lately as he is so self focused and doesnt see it. Just trying to make it through the day is challenging. My life has become more like a nurse taking care of a patient. Maybe once a week he will be intentional in asking me a question on a date. The real challenge is dates becoming disasters or anytime spent together. He seems to sabatoge it and cant be positive for more that a few hours. I guess your comment that a lot of praying, Christian Councelor helped you 13 years later? I want to do this Gods way. I have had 2 other abusive failed marriages where I felt more loved than i do now. I just wonder if you had any tips on how you stayed connected with your ADHD spouse? I cant bring it up because he avoids conflict and just wants me to be ok. He wont plan anything as it stresses him out. Most suggestions to plan intentional time etc fall out the window after one time. Nothing stays consistent. I am tired and feel helpless that he cant see, refuses to see it and thinks I should just be ok. I just wonder if its a common ADHD symptom that they dont know how to connect emotionally, ask questions, want to spend time to get to know you etc. Did you have these issues and if so do you have any tips? With COVID right now, lack of counselors specializing in this etc I am trying to ask for help in any area I can. I am already in counseling, daily praying every morning with God on it, trying to make myself happy. I just hate waking up faking it. Faking trying to be ok when I feel so unseen, uncared for and like a cinderella. I am open to any suggestions you might have. Sorry for the mispelled words. Fighting off COVID to top it off for the New Year. Of course he is worse than me. LOL>
Thanks for reading,
Cortney
Hi Cortney!
Submitted by c ur self on
Your story sounds about normal, sadly...The working of your spouses mind is quiet normal for him, and yes, reading your post I do think you and I do have similar personalities...(the working of their minds go against it) Feeling loved, engaged, intimacy, peace in the home, sharing in life, it is all important to me also...What happened to me, and what seems to be happening to you is, we are getting what is available (possible) and it's nothing like it should be for us, or how it is in most healthy marriages...
I'm not saying he can't do better, (be more aware of his responsibilities as a husband) I'm just saying many adders lives consume them, to a point that it's so overwhelming they are very limited in being anything for anyone but themselves....When you throw in hyper focus, distraction, and add side effects, (messiness, hoarding tendencies, forgetfulness, short term memory issues, tardiness etc..) you have a person who isn't equipped to tackle all they have vowed to tackle, in the way you and I prioritize it, and make time for it... (meaning us, along w/ the normal, God given husband/wife responsibilities)...Many with children get limited help that they can trust....
When you step back and just study the lives of most high level adder's, it's quiet easy to determine that their lives are one's that do not work well in relationship, or with multiple responsibilities....Even at best it's quiet intrusive...I can only share with you what has and hasn't worked for me....I'm probably adhd myself to a degree, my daughter was diagnosed mild to moderate, and we are a lot a like....Just thought I would throw that in...I'm also a self diagnosed, (HSP) highly sensitive person...Which caused me extreme pain after our marriage when we couldn't connect, and I felt so alone and abandoned....
My attempts to fix it, instead of recognizing and respecting "this person was who I married" (better or worse, warts and all) almost destroyed us both....I was this think ahead planner, on time to everywhere, house in order, plenty of sex and us time, and she was different :).....So the arguments, and conflict, and the pointing out, started, mostly by me....She actually didn't live or act like she wanted a husband for a husband...She wanted me to be this no needs rock that's only there to help her with her life, and be this physical world savior for her and her two almost grown boys ( 21 and 16)....It wasn't good.....
Because I was a believer of the gospel, (hated divorce) she knew I wasn't going to go any where....So I set boundaries, prayed about it, and came to the conclusion that I was messed up emotionally (wasn't hard) we separated for 11 months....It took me 6 months of praying, reading, and facing the reality of our extreme differences... (different realities) Also I had to let go of my bitterness, and my anger....It was like the Lord told me I didn't want to let it go, because it was my protection :( :(....It was a difficult year, but, it was, looking back, my salvation...I came to grips with us doing a permanent separation if we couldn't abide together in peace....
At this point, I realized I had to be quiet....No amount of VERBAL EFFORT in conversation about her life style, habits, or lived out priorities could be heard, and ONLY produced negative things.....So redirect....believe the reality of her life and ACCEPT IT...It's her's, she only will stand and be accountable at the end of the way for it, the same as I, and every human living....
So after 5 years of war, I had to basically start learning how to live again, because for 5 years I made my priority in this life, my attempt to build a healthy attachment with a person who didn't want one...(I had lost my self, to a large degree)
So I just picked up, and started doing what I was interested in (it wasn't a problem for her, she had lived self absorbed with her life priorities being her number one goal since day one of our marriage (self entertaining her self, and running behind two boy's like a single parent) I started healing, I starting living like she didn't exist, because in many ways she didn't...I was lonely of course, but, I was at peace (it comes from Jesus, she didn't give it, and she can't take it way)...So I would suggest to you....Be quiet, nothing good comes from verbal attempts....
Here's a small list of things that I suggest you consider doing to help you....1) boundaries on yourself....do not attempt conversation that isn't being heard in a peaceful state of mind, and desired....2) You must accept what you see daily, it want change unless he changes it, but you can change yourself where needed...3) Do not under any conditions enable him (Be what God say's he wants for all wives to be in their marriages, and of course that is talking about those with Christian husbands, matching her love with his own Godly, respectful, and healthy love...You can't have **healthy** husband and wife fellowship, (in any activity) unless both are like minded (God honoring) ....If you attempt it, someone's going to be used to a degree....4) You alone are responsible for your own emotions, just as he is! 5) Set boundaries in any area that is currently a sore spot (causes conflict a high percentage of the time)..Like for us, since she has been a blamer, forgetful, and selfish, I don't share finances at all, I also do my taxes married but separate....She is a last day, all day person...I had rather cut my throat than live under that self inflicted stress LOL...What has changed my wife has been two things (IMO)....Godly influence, her convictions to honor Jesus, and her Christian girl friends fellowship and prayer group...And the ability God has given me through the Christ to be calm, be loving, but continue to live my life, not mother or carry another adult, if she abandons' her place beside me, then I'm fine just moving forward (no emotion, because I expect it, I love her, but, I am not shocked by her, because she has proved she can't be trusted to place her marriage in the place it's suppose to be)...I've done week long beach trips two of the last three years by myself, and my bicycle:)...So breathe and live, just as our savior desires for us. The enemy loves it when we get distracted by life issues, because we can lose our effectiveness and focus on loving others in his name...
The more you give him space, don't try to fix him, the more he has to deal with all issues of his own life, (accountability is very important, and if we allow them to dump on us, then there will be no growth) the more he will grow, and the more he will want to pursue his wife...Mine didn't like it at first....LOL...She was angry, when I wouldn't do "fun things" that SHE enjoyed, that had conflict written all over them....But, she has been meek and humble as a lamb (comparatively speaking LOL) toward things, ownership is coming around, calmness is coming around, she has even been initiating sex from time to time the past year .....It's Jesus!
Will pray for you both, Bless you sister!
c
Thankyou C!
Submitted by C-love (not verified) on
Hi C,
Thank you so much for your post and advice. I needed to hear that. Yes, the way you describe yourself is exactly how I have been. The positives are that my husband and I are evenly yoked when it comes to our belief system. That is what attracted me to him was the spiritual provision and relationship he had with God. I realize now that as we are in 3 years of relationship/marriage, he has a different idea than mine of what that looks like. His hyperfocus and radical approach I have been waiting on consistancy with. Regular study with me/God. Joining a study together. This was something he knew I wanted when we first got married and now its just another thing pushed off. He joined a group and after committed for almost a year he is stopping. When he is focused in Christ he is a different person. This idea of being quiet has been hard for me. I talk for a living as a Recruiter. I am always trying to resolve and hate being taken wrong. That ongoing explanation of my feelings or trying to help him see something is ingrained in me. I have to work hard to be silent which then makes me feel alone. I cannot connect because he thinks he knows exactly how I am feeling when he doesnt at all. I have GAD,PTSD, and yes highly sensative as well. My last marriages where narcassistic and verbal abuse. I think what is painful for me to live in more than anything is the acceptance part. I always see the diamond in the rough no matter what. I have so much hope in people, it is what makes me good at my trade. It is also what has literally screwed me in most of my life in relationships. With my husband I am having a hard time seeing him in a way that I can respect him. As a highly functioning female who has her own issues and baggage, that in itself has been a challenge. I hold back a lot already in order to leave it for him to do, plan or be. I have to have faith and find my identity in Christ as well as figure out who the heck I am. I feel very lost and that has spiraled me into a depression. The one man who is my best friend that I want to connect with more than anything literally cannot. I tried telling him last night as he was telling me when I was good for a week we were in a better place. Me being good was me being un affected by him. I was happy and carefree. What I did was put on a show and faked it until I made it. This week has been harder. Our entire family has COVID, we work from home together so right now I am feeling the neglect more and unable to hide it. I have pointed out what I need from him over and over. Things like "Do you think I am beautiful? Do you want to be intimate? Dont forget I need to be kissed". I sound pathetic even saying it. I feel pathetic after I do it. I figure if I tell him then he will do it and I will feel better and he has just forgotten. This is what drives him nuts and if I could just stop doing he says he will do all I am craving. He just wants to do it and not be told. It's a catch 22 because most guys dont know and I am the one female finally saying hey this is what I need and now that is just too much. I guess I will take your advice and be quiet and try not to sulk. My being quiet yesterday just made him insecure and constantly asking if I was ok. When I finally said you cannot give me what I need in our relationship due to your ADHD symptoms his response was I feel the same. Its always that. Finally he approached me as I was alone and said I can see how it may look like I dont love you. I feel like that was a small break through. I am just so sad that what I want is normal and how God intended and yet its something he will never see or understand. That was the entire reason I never wanted to get married again. I didnt want to experience the lonliness, abuse, neglect I had in my previous marriages. I can only hope that by taking your advice, trying to be happy within myself and letting go of the marriage I wanted and thought I would have will make for a better outcome. For now I am still having a pity party that most of my life seems to have been a series of bad choices and me living within my consequences. I pray God will help me see my marriage different. I pray he will give me the grace you seem to have for your wife and those that I read on here. I think these steps for the Non ADHD spouse work well for those that are not empaths with strong desires to connect and discernment. Those that are more thinkers vs feelers and those who dont have such severe abandonment issues themselves. Thank you once again for your advice and responding. It gives me great hope and comfort to know that I am not alone.
Blessings to you and your family!
Cortney