Hi my wife and I have been together for 6 years, we have 4yo twin boys. I currently self identify as autistic and ADHD. I see the psychiatrist in 2 weeks for ADHD diagnosis and see autism team in December for ASD diagnosis. I am currently reading the affect of ADHD on marriage, I have suggested my wife read it also and/or we both seek individual or couples counseling. My wife has believes she does not need counseling and we do not have time. She has also told me she does not have the mental capacity to read more about my brain and to understand what I am going though. She wants me to change and fit her needs. I struggle to explain my needs to her. My biggest request would be that she reduces her negativity towards me and supports my decisions where possibly even if it would not be the way she does things. Decision paralysis is a big thing for me and even when I make a decision it frequently seems to be the wrong one. I get laughed at, yelled at, questioned why. When I try and explain things I seem to get it wrong. It would be easier for me if she could just read the book and begin to understand. We could try some strategies around communication and supporting each other. She says because she takes on most of the household and children responsibilities she does not have the capacity, however she is able to read a book about child rearing. Even if she could just read a paragraph or chapter at a time. Possibly when I get my ADHD diagnosis and start to figure out how to manage that better I can take some of her load.
Non-ADHD partner "does not need treatment"
Submitted by BeesInMyBrain on 09/04/2021.
You are both right....and probably both wrong.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Based on this post, you see the reality of your own personal (mental/emotional) struggles....Based on this post, your wife isn't concerned about your (the adult male husband and Father) mental and emotional state, or her own evidently, based on what you say here....
She should take time to listen to you, about how your mind works, and your struggles....But in her defense, it's very difficult when, no one cares about you...(word care, isn't care, faithful energy placement is care)...There is something you need to clear up in your heart and mind before you press her about the book....You stated in your post that if you could better learn how to manage your personal life, you might be able to help her with HER load ????? LOL....
This is the main reason your wife isn't interested in hearing what you have to say....(IMO)....It's not HER load!....It's just as much YOUR load as it is hers.
Think about it this away, you wake up in the morning and she is gone. Moved out, left this life, what ever, just gone....So what's your priority, the book and your struggles, or all the work it takes to be a responsible adult, and Father??
The reality is....If I, or you, or our wives, can't or want be responsible for the day to day responsibilities life demands (especially our babies/ children) then we are unfit to be in the position.....It's not your place to carry your wife, nor is it her place to carry you, regardless of how our minds work....Once you forget about you, and start owning and doing the daily work it takes to be a husband and Father, your wife, will magically be concerned about all things related to you, and even her self.....
Her load is your load, and your load is her load...Two being one!
Best wishes....
c
Your wife's experience
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hey Bazzawill. Right now your wife probably has no energy to learn more about ADHD. If she feels like I once felt as the partner of an ADHD spouse, she feels like she is doing far more of her share of the adult responsibilities around the house. She is drained, resentful and angry. If she says she doesn't have the capacity, believe her. She's telling you the truth.
What she's doing on a daily basis takes an incredible amount of patience, time and mental and physical energy. In the meantime, if she's like me when I was married, her marriage is further dragging her down, rather than it being a source for recharging, teaming up and even just commiserating. She sounds at the end of her rope and as someone who has been there, picking up the slack for an ADHD partner (who did not manage his negative symptoms), I can say that she probably feels like it's your turn to take the reins on something. This is so much more than simply "reading a book." She will be expected to implement the strategies and show increased patience that she doesn't have at the moment--from approaching you at the right time or in the right way to creating reminder systems that will work for you to scheduling dates, etc. She just wants you to handle your own condition because it's not hers... it's yours... and it is impacting her big time. She doesn't have it in her to give you what you are asking for even though it sounds totally reasonable (which it is... understanding, communication are totally reasonable). Requesting that you be an equal partner in the household and in raising the children is also reasonable. I'm not saying it should always be this way. She is just too drained. If you start down this road yourself, start taking some responsibilities off her plate, start understanding how your symptoms impact the family and make beneficial changes, she will likely come around. When she sees how hard you are sincerely trying and sees positive results from ADHD strategies, she will likely want to support that because she will want more of that good stuff!
In an ideal world, she would read the book, accompany you to therapy and you would work together to implement ADHD and autism-friendly strategies that would benefit you both. Maybe before the twins or even a couple years ago, you could have taken this ideal road. I'm just saying that she is so beaten down, she doesn't have it in her at this moment.
Sorry for the rambling! I think it's amazing that you're going to be diagnosed and are reading up about ADHD. Wishing you the best and hoping you get through this!
Thanks all
Submitted by BeesInMyBrain on
Thank you both for your input (I changed my username for when I feel it is appropriate to direct my wife here, not that it is the end of the world that I speak about our struggles). I had started to think along the lines both of you speak.
I am trying to see the household and child responsibilites as shared not me helping out my wife but perhaps I can look at that some more. I am actively trying to increase my input in that area. There are some days I am unable to put much in, which I guess means I should be putting more in on the days I can.
I did hope that the more I am able to get my condition under control the more I can take of my wife the more capacity she has. If I am showing improvement she may want to come along for the ride.
I guess I just needed to verbalise my concerns and hear back from others. Also there was probably a portion of trying to externalise my problems (if only she would...) which is not fair. I can take responsibility for my self no matter what my wife is doing. She is trying to support me in the best way she has the capacity for right now.
Be that guy!
Submitted by c ur self on
(I can take responsibility for my self no matter what my wife is doing. She is trying to support me in the best way she has the capacity for right now.)
This is one of the best statements I've read (or heard) on this site from a busy minded spouse....It's say's you care, and you are aware....You know, us husbands only get one shot at being the husband and father we know we should be each day...We should be that guy, that guy who takes ownership, and lives our life in a way we don't look back later with regret, for hurting the very one's we love and are responsible to...
Bless you...
c
Whose needs get met
Submitted by Mizeeyore on
People with and without ADD / ADHD need a partnership. Think about the difference between equality and equity. Do your part for equity.