My wife (ADHD) and I (Non-ADHD) have been together for nearly 20 years, married for over 10 of them. 1 kid. I have always been the breadwinner as my wife has struggled to ever hold down a job and struggled with anxiety and depression. About 5 years ago she was diagnosed with ADHD. I hold my hands up in that I never engaged with her much about it and was a bit of a sceptic until recently. Over the last couple of months we have had some very bad arguments that have pushed us closer to a break-up than we have ever been. Since we were so near the edge I took it upon myself to read up more about ADHD and wow I wish I had done this years ago. My wife demonstrates so much of what Melissa describes and sadly I found that my responses were also not helpful. So I have been actively trying to change myself to help her. Its been a big change for me too and I have tried to do so many things to change myself and our relationship over the last few weeks. This change in me though has also made me realise that I also have found coping mechanisms to deal with her ADHD, I just didn’t know it. In an attempt to change I have also had to try to break these coping mechanisms to rescue our marriage. As such, it has made me much more emotional and open about my feelings. I don’t feel however that this is going down too well with her.
I feel that anytime I express my feelings it is met with huge defensiveness and almost like she is offended I dare even ask. After a few weeks of really trying to do things differently I just tried to communicate my thoughts to her. I said that I feel unloved and that I feel insecure and paranoid sometimes that she doesn’t want to be with me (I know I am pursuing but its so difficult not to). I don’t know why but I expected this to be met with some empathy. Instead, it was met with “I have told you I love you!” (true but its always me that initiates saying it). The actual reaction to me expressing how I felt turned out to be “why do you try to make ME feel bad?” and “what more do you want ME to do?” and “I can’t believe you are having a go at ME again!”. Yet this was about me expressing how I felt. This is the part of ADHD I find SOOO difficult to accept as the Non ADHD partner. I can deal with the disorganization, picking up the slack with our kid and managing all the finances. It’s the emotional disconnection and the, what I perceive as selfishness of the condition. It always feels like I have to apologise for everything. I am always in the wrong. Even saying I feel unloved (even if she thinks that I shouldn’t feel that way) is met with anger, resentment and defensiveness. I don’t feel like I can ever say anything without being resented for it, no matter how I say it. The reality is that it is like living with a mannequin sometimes – you can give all your love but you never get any emotion or attention back. I try to snuggle her, I tell her I love her. I have even left little notes around the house saying why I think she is great. And had a song recorded to express how much I love her and then sent it to her as a surprise. She says thanks and I think she appreciates it but it comes across more as I have made her feel awkward. These things that took a lot of effort are met with the same response as the thanks I get for bringing her a cup of tea. I’m not expecting or wanting a huge thanks anyway, just for her to feel that love and maybe reciprocate it somehow, if only with a smile a hug or a kiss on the cheek. She can’t even look me in the face anymore and tries to avoid eye contact whenever. She has told me that she is just focussing on getting through the day but I find it so hard to accept that. I know I should accept that. But imagine someone not being able to look at you all day and seemingly escaping into other rooms for hours and shutting the door. Its hard to take especially when you love that person so much. Even though reading Melissa’s book has filled me with a lot of hope I just can’t understand why something so simple as the odd peck on the cheek, eye contact, or and ‘I love you’ initiated from her rather than a forced response to me saying it is so difficult. It seems like a 2 second thing to do and that’s the bit I find hard to understand. So I end up thinking “why does she seem to hate me so much?” and I don’t think anyone could blame me for thinking that? But she has no empathy to that. Instead, its about her and “why did you tell me that? Why are you trying to make ME feel bad?”.
I know she is working on herself. She has just started to see an ADHD Coach. And I know she isn’t able to give me much emotion until she sorts herself out. I also know she is still very angry at me for some of my responses to her ADHD in the past. I get all that. I also appreciate how her mood is always very sad and lethargic (she has the inattentive form of ADHD) and she prefers her own space to deal with things. What gets to me though is that during the week the wife that I get is lethargic, unmotivated, snappy and unwilling to engage with me. Yet when the weekend comes and she goes out with her friends they seem to get the best of her. She is happy, dancing, laughing, interacting positively with people. It feels unfair that I put all my energy into helping her during the week, get blanked, but these other people get the best side of her. I am jealous of them for that but also angry that she can’t show me the same. I know that ADHDers are reward seekers. I get that going out with people, getting drunk and escaping boring old me is a great dopamine hit and reward. But it just feels that is very selfish regardless of the ADHD. Are we all just to accept that because of the ADHD they can do what they want and not care about the people most close to them? At what point does the excuse of having ADHD get abused?
Without this just being a rant, I have some questions relating to it all:
Is there a different way to get your partner to open up about how they feel about you? Saying I love you is just met with a “yeah I love you too” response and never sounds sincere. I want her to tell me more. If I ask “do you love me?” she gets defensive. What other questions can I ask to establish how she feels about me?
If you are an ADHD person how would you warm to someone again that you have grown disinterested in? What would you want them to do?
Any Non ADHD stories of how you have got your partner to fall in love with you again? Is it possible to get back how it was in the beginning?
Grieving what is gone
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Thank you for posting BoeBoe. I can tell that you are struggling. I don't know about the first part of your question...or rather, I don't have an answer. But I do have a thought relating to your 2nd question for the Nons. And unfortunately, from the last 4 years of going through this, it seems to me that you can't. You can't get your partner to DO anything - including falling back in love with you. They have to CHOOSE to do this, they have to CHOOSE what they want to do for their life and their relationship to you. They have to make choices everyday and specifically when it comes to being with you, they have to make a choice on how they want to act. Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do that will change this or make it better or anything.
When you ask 'is it possible to get back how it was in the beginning'? ... I'm going to be blunt at this moment but I believe, in my experiences, the short answer is NO. If you continue to hold on to how it was or how it used to be, it will drown you in sorrow and hurt and upset and pain. It will be the death of you. Literally and figuratively. If you keep trying to get things back the way they were, it will change you as a person and you will wake up one day and not recognise who you are and wonder what the heck happened. I'm learning (still learning unfortunately bc it's a sucky lesson to learn) that if you make the choice to stay with her, you have to accept certain things (what they are, I don't know, that's up to you) and you have to allow yourself to GRIEVE what was. Because it's really really sad but it no longer serves her to be like that. She could have been masking greatly and now the pressure is just too much and this is her real and authentic self. And if that's the case, then you have to decide what next step you want to do; stay or go. No one can do that for you. But you will have to allow yourself to grieve. No amount of begging, pleading, action or otherwise will return things to how it was. That's not how this type of relationship works (just read the comments on any blog post or anything.... its part of the hyperfixation and/or love bombing, etc of ADHD) when partner(s) have ADHD. It's really sad and you have to give space to it.
I totally understand as I'm still struggling in it big time. It's rough but there are some stories shared here on the site that offer some hope but in different forms; some have the hope and joy in their lives because their partner did the work...others have joy and peace in their life bc they got out. It's tough and it's tough to go through.
Thanks for your reply. I'm
Submitted by BoeBoe on
Thanks for your reply. I'm holding on to some hope because she is trying more actively to get help for the ADHD and is much more open to discussing it with me now that I acknowledge and understand it more. I'm also making a few positive changes in myself (getting more in shape, being more positive, taking her on date nights) so I'm starting to see some green shoots that she is responding more positively to that. Perhaps because it is a new and more exciting me than she is used to! I know we may never get back to what we used to but just to a position where we respect, appreciate and enjoy each other will be a good step.
Sorry to hear that
Submitted by Taminator1 on
It's good that you are acknowledging her ADHD and reading up about it. It turns out that she is simply looking to escape the problem rather than to face it. Although she is working with an ADHD coach, is she talking to you about it? If not, it means that she is not really willing to work with you as you are working with her. The other thing I will suggest is marriage counseling because you two need to figure out how to function as a unit rather than as 2 separate individuals. There's obviously disconnect between you and your wife. Maybe she thinks you're "too boring" and there's some spice needed in your lives. It's also obvious that she also wants some judgment free zones in her life and if she keeps feeling like she's going to be judged around you, she will always look for safer spaces elsewhere. Take this from someone who is dealing with undiagnosed ADHD. We all want some hints of dopamine so our lives don't feel as crappy. But marriage counseling is a good start
Thanks for your reply
Submitted by BoeBoe on
Thanks for your reply Taminator1. We have started with marriage counseling and it has helped us get things out on the table a bit more. Also interesting for me to hear because she rarely opens up with me but has done in these sessions. So it has allowed me to really see things more from her perspective. She is telling me about the ADHD coach sessions too so I feel we are working together on it now. Good advice about the judgment free zone. I think now that I understand ADHD more I can see that many of my responses may have felt like I was passing judgment even though it wasn't my intent. And when I think about it most of our conversations were about boring or more negative stuff. So I am now trying to make that split a more 90% fun zone and 10% serious stuff (we still have to discuss serious stuff sometimes like finances etc). To be honest I feel better for this myself too but I'm sure she does! I know its going to take time, I guess I just need to be patient but I feel like I need to see her warming to me a little bit even if she's not moving at the same pace as me
Shut out
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I empathize with you. It's difficult to feel shut out by the ADD partner. No matter how treatment proceeds, if you aren't included in the work or the process, you won't feel much improvement.
I share an experience of being excluded and trying so hard to reconnect. To be honest I think in retrospect my now ex-husband really left me long before divorce. Had he been less passive, he might have initiated divorce. Instead, I think he just silently gave up on us, but kept on leaning heavily on me.
I hope for you not to feel further down the road that you have given loaves of bread and gotten only crumbs in return. It's so painful, even if it's because of your loved one's dysfunction. Please take care.
Submitted by BoeBoe on
I love this phrase giving loaves and getting crumbs. It really does sum up how it feels sometimes as the non-ADHD long term partner. I love her so much but sometimes wonder what life would be like with someone who loved me back the same. I guess that is the whole dilemma. I don’t want to end things but I also can’t look back at my life where I feel I have given so much for so little in return. Melissa’s books and this site gives me the tools I need though to give it one last shot.