Hello, I am currently trying to cope and find some clarity in the sudden end to my 4 year relationship with my ADHD partner. My boyfriend recently (~1 wk) ended things with me, and has left me feeling a huge mix of emotions. Long story long, I am a 23 year old female in my first year of pharmacy school. I have lived with a father and younger brother with ADHD (hyperactive) my whole life, so I am no stranger to the strains/ joys that come along with the diagnosis. About 4 years ago, I met my boyfriend, same age, who has untreated ADHD (inattentive). We worked together at a restaurant in college. I was in school, he was taking a year off after his freshman year. We came together fast, fell in love fast (he told me he loved me after a week and I surprisingly felt the same), and have been truly inseparable since. He has always spent the majority of his free time with me, and I have tried to give him his personal “me” time when he asked for it. He is absolutely the best friend I have ever had, I love him more than I ever thought possible, and he has told me the same nearly every day. This was his first serious relationship, but there is no doubt in my mind that he has truly loved me and that it has meant everything to him. This past year, we moved away from his hometown, where I graduated college, back to mine (he originally attended college here), me for school and him for school/ me/ he loves it here and has always wanted to return. He has been in and out of tech school for the past few years, struggling to commit to any one degree. He says he can't see a future for himself doing anything in particular, and I feel that he has very low self-esteem because he feels behind his peers and me, and because he feels like he lacks direction in life. I feel like he has always taken suggestions from his family or myself, and has been living for other people a lot of his life, which ultimately makes him unhappy and resentful, so he quits. For awhile now, I feel like the only direction he’s had is me. His mother is very overbearing, his dad is much like him, and I have definitely been guilty to some degree of the dreaded "mothering" behavior. He definitely tries to avoid his mother and her babying, but she pays his rent and tuition so he is not as independent as he may like to think. I have worked very hard on myself to be a partner and an equal to him rather than a caregiver, and to understand why he can't commit to anything but me. I have 5 years left of school, so there is little rush toward marriage, children, etc., but we have been together a long time and both have brought up these topics over the years with some degree of seriousness. The initial problem: in the past, he has followed a pattern of enrolling in classes, hating it, dropping it, and not being able to talk to me about it. I know him well enough to believe his temporary deceptions are probably to keep me from being disappointed or breaking up with him rather than because of some moral character flaw. He usually comes clean to me within a day or two. Throughout our relationship, we have only had serious arguments (he does not yell, ever) about this lying about school, and once or twice his having a very low point in which he has drank to excess (he is not a drinker) or tried to hide his marijuana use (which doesn’t bother me under normal circumstances, only when he randomly tries to hide it). The current problem: very recently, he ended our relationship, more or less out of the blue. I have found out after the fact that he once again dropped out of school and this time lied to me about it for a month, despite having only a year to graduate. He left his job at the city rec department to go back to work at the one of the same hippie pizza restaurants where we met. He has come clean to me about school, still claims to love me as much as he ever did, but basically conveyed that he feels he needs to take time to find himself and figure himself out before he gets too much older. He told me he can't tell me if he sees a future for us because he can't see one for himself, but has also hinted at wanting one because of how much he loves me. I definitely sense that he is somewhat depressed as well, and I know he is beating himself up about a lot of things. Over the course of our relationship, he has made comments that he feels like a loser, a failure, like I deserve better. I have always passionately disagreed, because despite his setbacks in his (still young) life, he is really one of the most genuinely beautiful-souled human beings I have ever met. The situation: My question is, what role do I play in his life right now? I care about this boy more than anything. I know he cares for me deeply and loves me still. However, neither of us know if we will be together again. I am also having a lot of doubts due to the recent lying, wondering what else he may have been lying about to me… I don’t want to go off the deep end and assume it’s all fake, he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t care, he’s ready to move on and leave me behind. We have seen each other since the breakup, and that did not seem to be the case. I have been in that situation with other breakups before, and the circumstances and emotions flowing through this one are unlike any I have experienced. But a girl can’t help but prepare and expect the worst. We have talked on the phone even more recently when I asked him to finally be honest with me, he cried and told me how sorry he was for all the lies and all the crap he's put me through, and mentioned that he wants to see a therapist (again, who knows maybe he’s just telling me what I want to hear again). He asked for a few days to calm down, and asked if he could call me then. I do so much want to be his support in this, my love for him extends beyond just wanting a dating relationship. If he is suffering through a tough time in his life, especially with unmanaged ADHD, I fear he will never be able to pull through without help. His recent therapist has focused on him having depression, but I am sure the ADHD is the root cause. I don’t know if he’s even considering that as a problem, or how to approach the subject with him. I have talked with his parents since all of this has happened, explained what I really feel is going on, told them he seemed open to therapy and has told me he truly wants to work on himself, and given them phone numbers for local ADHD clinics in my area. I don’t know if I’m overstepping my bounds too much in doing that, but I just can’t sit back and do nothing when I feel like the only one who may really understand what’s going on. So now… what do I do? I feel so lost and helpless in this situation. And if it wasn’t clear, I love this boy more than anything. I can withstand a little personal pain for the time being if it means potentially helping him be happy in the long run, with or without me. But I am still hurting a lot with the confusion of it all. Am I doing the right thing? Is there something else I could be doing? On one hand I want to be the girl who was always by his side, as he was there for me through a similar phase in my life (but as my bf). On the other, I worry that he will never find the motivation to grow if he feels like he has me around no matter what he does. He seems to have been living for me more than for himself up to this point, and I never wanted that. If it doesn't work out and he refuses to change before too long, I'm only hurting myself by keeping my hopes up. Any sage advice or insight into what he may be thinking would be so very appreciated. Thank you for reading <3