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I have been where you are right now and really understand what you're going through. I think that hardest part is that ADHD touches every part of the relationship (from finances to communication to intimacy to simply running the household and MORE).
Outside of ADHD, choosing as a couple whether or not to have children is a REALLY big deal. On one hand, I will tell you that parenting with my ADHD husband was much harder than when it was just us. Every single thing that hurts you about your partner will go on to hurt your child too. The pain of watching that unfold is much worse than having it happen to yourself. It's a devastation I can't adequately explain. On the other hand, if you really want children and know he doesn't any longer, can you really give up such a core need/want to stay with him? You have a ton to think about with this alone.
For the rest, I can't tell you how much medication might help. My ex-husband took meds for a short time and only erratically. They helped him focus, but only on what HE wanted to do. They did not inspire him to clean up after himself or help with the parenting. They did not help with empathy. Along with meds, I think there needs to be a commitment to doing better in the relationship and an understanding of what's going wrong. I think there is a lot of work to be done by the ADHD partner (sometimes both partners) in therapy vs. what medication can provide alone, so your partner would probably have to be willing to commit to this in order to address your core issues adequately.
I have been there - trying to do everything to hold on. It's so hard. Hugs.
Loved what you wrote. Especially when you stated he took the meds randomly and it only helped for his things! I just decided to get divorced and kicked him out. Of course, in his point of view I am the one going nuts. I think medicine needs to improve a lot. Adhd is more common in men than in women, and our society is such hard core conservative and expects women to deal with it. We need more options.
Seriously. Make a plan and start putting it in motion. If it is ADHD and he truly cares about you, he'll hyper-focus on you and try to fix things and you can go from there. It will still be an uphill battle but you will know where you stand. If he doesn't you just dodged a bullet. Pack your stuff and move. You need to restart everything to see if it will work because without something big, he will continue to rely on you for everything and not make decisions. This isn't game-playing, this is also for you to figure out what you need in your own life because this isn't working.
If you really, really want children don't think you have to stick with him to get them. But if you have kids the way your relationship is currently, that's going to be the wrong kind of a big change. He will become more impatient and childlike and resentful when you ask him for help. You know how he thinks he does half the work now? Wait until that workload is increased 1000%. Even in non-ADHD couples, nearly every husband I know decides that he is being asked to do too much once a baby is introduced into the situation (think about all the couples you know who get divorced when they have a toddler).
As you know, people with ADHD have two times - "Right now" and "Not now." You will be in limbo forever unless you make a change.
You are not a victim, you are a willing participant in the chaos. If you want change you have to put your foot down and set some boundaries. You coddle him by doing things an adult should be doing for himself. How can he see the true nature of his condition and experience the consequences of his decision-making if you run interference for him? He can't commit to you after ten years, doesn't like children, and shows little empathy when you are sick or sad. He won't change unless he acknowledges he has a problem. Don't waste another minute, set some boundaries and see how committed he is to your relationship.
ETA: Wait on children with this man. If he takes control of his ADD you might have a chance, otherwise you will add 99% of the child care responsibilities on to the 90% of the chores you already do. If he says he doesn't want kids, believe him and move on. Don't fritter you life away waiting on a change that will never come. He will never step up without boundaries and treatment, he hasn't for 10 years.
There are so many things, I know
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I have been where you are right now and really understand what you're going through. I think that hardest part is that ADHD touches every part of the relationship (from finances to communication to intimacy to simply running the household and MORE).
Outside of ADHD, choosing as a couple whether or not to have children is a REALLY big deal. On one hand, I will tell you that parenting with my ADHD husband was much harder than when it was just us. Every single thing that hurts you about your partner will go on to hurt your child too. The pain of watching that unfold is much worse than having it happen to yourself. It's a devastation I can't adequately explain. On the other hand, if you really want children and know he doesn't any longer, can you really give up such a core need/want to stay with him? You have a ton to think about with this alone.
For the rest, I can't tell you how much medication might help. My ex-husband took meds for a short time and only erratically. They helped him focus, but only on what HE wanted to do. They did not inspire him to clean up after himself or help with the parenting. They did not help with empathy. Along with meds, I think there needs to be a commitment to doing better in the relationship and an understanding of what's going wrong. I think there is a lot of work to be done by the ADHD partner (sometimes both partners) in therapy vs. what medication can provide alone, so your partner would probably have to be willing to commit to this in order to address your core issues adequately.
I have been there - trying to do everything to hold on. It's so hard. Hugs.
Wow
Submitted by Ap on
Loved what you wrote. Especially when you stated he took the meds randomly and it only helped for his things! I just decided to get divorced and kicked him out. Of course, in his point of view I am the one going nuts. I think medicine needs to improve a lot. Adhd is more common in men than in women, and our society is such hard core conservative and expects women to deal with it. We need more options.
Break up with him
Submitted by Dagmar on
Seriously. Make a plan and start putting it in motion. If it is ADHD and he truly cares about you, he'll hyper-focus on you and try to fix things and you can go from there. It will still be an uphill battle but you will know where you stand. If he doesn't you just dodged a bullet. Pack your stuff and move. You need to restart everything to see if it will work because without something big, he will continue to rely on you for everything and not make decisions. This isn't game-playing, this is also for you to figure out what you need in your own life because this isn't working.
If you really, really want children don't think you have to stick with him to get them. But if you have kids the way your relationship is currently, that's going to be the wrong kind of a big change. He will become more impatient and childlike and resentful when you ask him for help. You know how he thinks he does half the work now? Wait until that workload is increased 1000%. Even in non-ADHD couples, nearly every husband I know decides that he is being asked to do too much once a baby is introduced into the situation (think about all the couples you know who get divorced when they have a toddler).
As you know, people with ADHD have two times - "Right now" and "Not now." You will be in limbo forever unless you make a change.
You are in the driver's seat
Submitted by adhd32 on
You are not a victim, you are a willing participant in the chaos. If you want change you have to put your foot down and set some boundaries. You coddle him by doing things an adult should be doing for himself. How can he see the true nature of his condition and experience the consequences of his decision-making if you run interference for him? He can't commit to you after ten years, doesn't like children, and shows little empathy when you are sick or sad. He won't change unless he acknowledges he has a problem. Don't waste another minute, set some boundaries and see how committed he is to your relationship.
ETA: Wait on children with this man. If he takes control of his ADD you might have a chance, otherwise you will add 99% of the child care responsibilities on to the 90% of the chores you already do. If he says he doesn't want kids, believe him and move on. Don't fritter you life away waiting on a change that will never come. He will never step up without boundaries and treatment, he hasn't for 10 years.