I feel like I'm getting closer to a crossroads. I've been toiling for years (yes, YEARS) to improve my ADHD symptoms. I feel fortunate to have good health insurance that not only pays for medication, but also alternative treatment via a Naturopath, as well as for therapy. Therapy and meditation have really brought me to the next level. And scarily, it is at this level that I have realized that this marriage is not all about what I have to do to improve, and now I am learning to set boundaries and express my wishes to a spouse who has had his foot out the door for years.
My therapist is amazing. I've suffered through several duds who didn't get me, didn't push me, and definitely didn't have an adequate understanding of ADHD. When I described his behavior and asked for feedback, she has a strong sense he is experiencing anxiety, depression, or both. I've expressed to him that I think he needs counseling, that his anxiety and moods are an issue. I feel he has depression because he resents me for past mistakes and refuses to forgive me for not putting more effort in our marriage early on (I was young, dumb, and clueless with untreated ADHD). I feel he has anxiety because he stresses a lot. He has somatic issues that corollate to either.
He used to threaten me frequently with divorce, but through counseling, I called him out on it, and he hasn't done it in months. He did it on a regular basis for half our marriage prior to me calling him out, roughly 10 years. He's pretty critical, but I've noticed his criticisms are getting more and more trivial, and so does my therapist. Thinking distortions? He has them all. I honestly think his insecurities started with a father who moved overseas for years while he was a child. Abandonment issues, for sure, and I think he deals with them by keeping me at a safe distance. I am ALWAYS working on something. I ALWAYS have personal goals to achieve and plans to achieve it. I want to become a better person and I honestly am. He cannot see it because he is protecting himself and views me through the muddy lens of whatever is going on in his head.
My therapist and I shake our heads because there is no substance abuse, no domestic violence, no financial ruin, we have both had steady jobs for two decades, and no infidelity. The only thing standing in the way of our marriage is his anger, resentment, self-righteousness, and frankly, mental health issues. I do not know what to do. He might say that if he has anxiety and/or depression, that I am the cause. I feel that the fact he won't get help is the issue.
I've finally realized it doesn't matter what I do. Even though the house has been cleaner than it has ever been for a month, and I'm not even struggling, thanks fo a great book, he managed to take that and turn it into me being able to do the things I deem important, and only once I deem it important, does it get my attention. As I said to my therapist, that's true for everyone. You cannot outwardly impose true, meaningful change on another person. They have to want it. But equally relevant, they have to know what they don't currently know in order to change the situation, and I didn't flippin' know. I can clean the kitchen, but the rhythm of cleaning a house daily has never made sense to me until recently. It no longer feels like a farce, but I know it's officially a habit. BUT now that I actually understand, I get how simply it appears to you NON-ADHD partners out there. But instead of being impressed with each new change I make, he finds a way to diminish it. And my therapist said (and I totally agree) that he can't have me improve while he's stuck because that means he needs to change, which means he has treated me pretty poorly for a long, long, LONG time. And it's more important to be right than happy, clearly. *Sigh.*
Any suggestions on how to get him help without alienating him further? He really is a good person, but lost in his head. He didn't used to be like this. But I cannot live like this forever. I don't want to be a poor example to my children to stay in an unhappy marriage for an eternity. But I don't want to quit on us, either. Y I know people go through rough patches and I am willing and able to do some heavy lifting, and I have been. You can see my dilemma...
Way to go, Mom!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Wow - reading what you have accomplished is incredible. Absolutely amazing!!
I am responding because I am the non-spouse and have definitely been through bouts of both anxiety and depression directly linked to my husband's ADHD. However, there is a huge difference - you are working on yourself while my husband is not (firmly in denial). So I can't relate 100%, but I can say that I think you are right... your husband needs to get some help. The depression hole can be dark and maybe he just needs some therapy or medication to help him climb out of it and see what is really going on with you and the family NOW (not in years past). And resentment runs deep, but when you have clearly made changes and sustained them over years, it is unfair to hold on to the same resentments and keep punishing you for them. He needs help letting that go. Sounds like there is a lot more in his past that he needs to address in therapy, too.
Just like the advice us nons often get - you can only control yourself. Which sadly means you can try everything to get him to seek help, and he may choose not to. He also may be unable to even see that he needs help. Can you get him back to couple's therapy where a trained therapist may be able to untangle this? (That way you're not telling him to go alone or shouldering the blame for a diagnosis... you're couching it as "we" still need help and letting the therapist possibly get him to a place where he sees he needs to work on himself.") Failing that, if you haven't already, would he take Melissa's couples series? I think it focuses as much on what the non spouse needs to do to improve things as it does on what the ADHD partner needs to do (including more respectful ways of communicating, which you deserve!).
One final thought. This is brutal honesty, but as a non, I can say there comes a point when a lot of us are done and there is no going back. Maybe he reached that point before you made all these strides and so no matter what you do, it will never be enough. He owes it to you to be honest with you and himself if that is the case. You are doing incredibly well. What you have described is hard work that I would guess few people can actually do. No matter what happens, way to go!! I hope so much that your husband can find his way through this and become the spouse that YOU deserve!
Thank you for your kind words
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Thank you for your kind words of support. I truly appreciate it.
I have asked him several times to go to couple's therapy and he doesn't want to go as we've already been. But I went back to my old email account and figured out we only went for two months before he jumped ship. And our therapist flaked out on our appointments three times during that short period.
I needed the brutal honesty, but it hit me really hard today. It sucks. I've worked so hard for SO long. When ADHD is untreated, we really cannot feel or know the depths of what is going on. Even with treatment, it takes a lot of effort to figure out what we do not know. Solving the problems of the brain with a brain that doesn't want to cooperate; there's an irony few can appreciate.
I am the “non” in my
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I am the “non” in my relationship. I have a history of depression that goes back 30 years. Depression has not been a factor in my current relationship with my BF. He has ADHD, was diagnosed as a child, and has learned to manage his condition with techniques that work for him.
That said, I can respond as a person with a LONG history of depression.
When I was married, I was depressed to the point that it was clinical level. I was at the bottom of an Abyss, in so deep that I could not see the sun. Most of my depression was related to my going back to work after the birth of my first child, and being married to an angry and controlling man. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and criticized me constantly. Nothing I said or did was good enough.
I think that you and your husband should see a couple’s therapist, someone that neither one of you may be seeing for separate issues.
Perhaps your husband is so depressed that he feels “ganged up on”. When you posted: “My therapist and I shake our heads” it sounds like your therapist is judging him, without speaking to him or knowing him. And when you wrote: “ He might say that if he has anxiety and/or depression, that I am the cause.” While it is true that my ex husband didn’t “cause” my depression, my depression was directly related to how my ex spoke to me and treated me. (This went on for over 10 years.)
It must be frustrating for you to be making progress, while your husband has not. He most likely cannot see beyond where he is at. I agree with what 1Melody1 posted. There may come a point when one person wants to work on the marriage, and the other is DONE. I hope this is not the case for you and your husband.
I'm not sure that he feels
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I'm not sure that he feels ganged up on, but I understand why you would say that based on my post. When I say that my therapist and I shake our heads, it's more in disbelief that there are so many people with more substantial issues than ours, and yet here we are, struggling because he refuses to choose a more introspective way of living, and because he would rather hold onto his resentment like a security blanket. Our problems are fixable, but it's going to require him to look within. I understand what you are saying about your depression; that makes sense to me. My husband's actions have definitely amplified my anxiety and worsened my ADHD. I never blamed him for it, though, unlike what my husband does to me. I would even go so far as to say it's the reason my immune system crashed; I was crazy tired and sleep-deprived. My doctors agree. But I never once put that on him, because my reactions and coping skills are still my job to manage.
I completely agree that he cannot see where he is. He's stuck. I also hope he is not beyond done. His moods have always been variable. Today he was talking to me like all is well in the world. It's not. I think that's part of the problem. He is comfortable in the victim role, comfortable pushing me away, knowing I'll always be there when he's in a good mood. But I'm really starting to see we need a major shake up around here. I just don't know where to go from here. There's a storm brewing...
I'm also a non with one foot out the door
Submitted by Dagmar on
It's great that you've been keeping things up for a while - it really is. But for your partner, it hasn't been that long. He needs more time. He's been going through this for years, and if he's like me, the reason he has put up with things for years is because when he says he's ready to go, you make changes that keep him staying. Then it happens all over again and he wishes he'd just left. So he threatens you with divorce, not because he wants one (I assume, because he stopped when you told him it was toxic), but because he wants a change.
Now things are better, but he's still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Have you tried sitting him down and explaining to him what you've learned about yourself and apologizing for what you've put him through all those years? My husband has had a job for six months now and he just thinks that I should be totally fine with things. But I'm still dealing with issues from his 2 years of unemployment, and he doesn't notice. We don't have savings anymore, so sometimes we have to scramble to pay bills. Every time that happens, I can see myself working two jobs again while he sat on the couch and wouldn't look for a job. Is it entirely fair? No. But I need time to prove it's not going to happen again.
Oh, I get that one month is
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Oh, I get that one month is not that long to keep the house clean. I really do. I cleaned a lot before, but being ADHD and having an active household, our house would explode a few times a week, and it was just more chaotic pulling it back together, if that makes sense. And I have done the dishes for years. But I've been working on myself for years. He's just very negative. I get that my ADHD makes me less reliable than either of us want me to be. It frustrates me, too. But it just ticks me off, if I am being honest, because I read about all of your (mostly husbands) and I know plenty of women with husbands unafflicted by ADHD who have trouble getting their s*** together, you know? I bet plenty of Non-ADHDers would be happy to have a spouse like me who cooks, cleans, takes children to sports, takes the kids to appointments, takes care of the dog, does all of the grocery shopping, and on and on and on. But I'm the mom, so the expectations are MUCH higher in western society. Blerg. *End rant.* Sorry. Just so frustrated in my situation.
And I would feel the same way
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
And I would feel the same way about a spouse who kept losing jobs, but had one for six months. That would freak me out. I have never been unemployed and have worked at the same place for twenty years.
I have apologized to him for
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I have apologized to him for the past numerous times because he would keep getting angry about the past, and also because I am truly sorry. Then I realized we were just rehashing the same old thing and that I was inadvertently reinforcing his martyrdom and superiority complex. At this point, he needs to do some work on his end so we can move forward. And if not, I have decisions to make.
Hi Momof2.....:)
Submitted by c ur self on
I wish I could set down with him....Since I'm married to your twin, I'm sure we have a lot in common:)...A few things come to mind.....Try to not allow your mind to link his personal attitudes & emotions (anxiety, depression etc) with you totally...We both know a lot of difficult days have passed in our marriages and relationships...But, just because a person lives in a neurotypical mind, doesn't mean they can't be messed up (as u know)....I'm glad you are being patient with him, and don't want to give up on him...
It sounds like he has created an identity for himself, built on superiority...Basically he has spent much of the marriage looking over your shoulder, trying to make sure life in your home ( your personal relationship, children, finances, bills, groceries, cleaning, all the daily needs got taken care of)....I'm not saying that you haven't handle these thing well the whole marriage... But, right or not, it's easy for a neurotypical to not fully trust in a spouse who suffers w/ add related issues....(We all know what those are, and that they are real) I'm the same way, It's something I have to work on daily...Do not Mother! Show her affirmation and recognition for the little things, things you think nothing about when you do them....
So now, all the improvements and work you have done on yourself, may have him a little lost, and somewhat resentful...It's messed up his superior identity....He does need counseling, I agree....He needs to open up in a protected environment.....Your husband could be struggling w/ some deep seeded bitterness, if that's the case he probably don't realize it....
Men get the be tough stuff growing up, but we have deep emotions and feelings also (society just says men should keep them to themselves, I do not agree)....It's difficult to see ourselves many times...Denial isn't reserved for just add/adhd minds....
It's good to hear you are doing so well....I wish my W, would read your posts....They are so encouraging....She tries to be more aware these days....(B+ for effort)....Which is so much better than the denial I faced for so long....But if she had someone like you, who she could talk openly about personal struggles with (who truly understood!), that would be priceless!...But, you know how it is...We have to face it, (see our need) before we can get help... Help is out there, if we humble ourselves, and face up to our need.....
One other thing (I'm sure you probably all ready do) I think we should always take the time to step back, and put ourselves in our spouse's shoes, when something like this is going on....It helps so much w/ patients, and giving Grace, because we realize how much we need that same patients and Grace....
Blessings momof2....
I will pray for your husband...
c
Thank you, C. :)
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
So now, all the improvements and work you have done on yourself, may have him a little lost, and somewhat resentful...It's messed up his superior identity....He does need counseling, I agree....He needs to open up in a protected environment.....Your husband could be struggling w/ some deep seeded bitterness, if that's the case he probably don't realize it....
Ahhhhh...THIS.
Help is out there, if we humble ourselves, and face up to our need.....
And THIS. My ADHD and the enormous effort required to work around it has been extremely humbling, and has required all kinds of help. It is definitely more difficult for some personalities to accept they need help. It took me a long time to accept, but once I did, I started having more success. My husband has a much harder time with this. He's used to many people listening to him, and why would someone like that need help?
I so appreciate your kind thoughts and words, c. :)