My wife is going for an evaluation in a few weeks to determine (it's obvious) if she has Adhd. She clearly does. I've begun reading all the information I can get my hands on about the subject and I want to be supportive but the more I read I get bitter and more frustrated about how this has impacted my life! We've been together 20 years. I've done so much to keep our household going over the years. Working 60 hour weeks, running children everywhere, doing household chores that I don't have time to do while my wife has done so little and has never held a real job.
We've talked about it and she seems onboard with being evaluated and getting treatment and that's all great. I am happy about that. But the more I learn the more bitter and more disappointed I get. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it normal to get this angry when you start learning about things? All I see are all these problems that have persisted for years and I feel like I've had the patience of a saint through it all. I know that's not fair, but it's how I feel. I feel like I've wasted most of my life parenting. an adult who didn't try and fought me on so many things. I'm just so bitter about it, frustrated, and angry. I'm guessing this isn't that unusual? But I was curious if other people felt this way that went through years of undiagnosed, untreated Adhd and how you made peace with it.
Thanks!
How do I live happily with my partner who has ADHD
Submitted by Juliegum on
For years I have wondered why our marriage hasn't been working, and why I have been so unhappy to the point of separating. After much coercing and threats to leave the marriage, my husband finally agreed to see someone and he has been diagnosed with ADHD. Finally after over 50 years of marriage, I have an answer for his bad behaviour, and I now know why we have had problems in our marriage for years, that marriage counsellors, couldn't fix. But what I would like to know is where do I go from here, as my life is very difficult and unhappy.
is it always going to be a sad and unhappy life for me a non ADHD partners.
Not always sad and unhappy
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
No, it is not always sad and unhappy being partnered with someone with ADHD. In fact, it can be quite wonderful. But there are patterns that almost inevitably come up due to the symptom expression and so the two of you a.) need to know more about these patterns and what to do with them and b.) both need to be fully involved in finding respectful and effective strategies for improving the relationship.
For some, getting a diagnosis of ADHD is a great relief (finally, an explanation!!) and for others it can be really hard to take on a 'label' and reassess their lives (lots of 'what ifs'). To get more information, consider reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage and the free treatment ebook (downloadable from the home page) and the take the temperature of where your partner is. If he is eager to learn more, consider my live couples seminar, coming up in September. If not yet ready for that, don't press him - he deserves some time to adjust. I give that seminar three times a year and it's a great resource, though, so keep it in mind.
You have your own work to do - it's likely that as a reaction to living with his ADHD symptoms you haven't been taking very good care of yourself. Working on that can help you make forward progress immediately. I'm not talking about spas, I'm talking about being in a good place from a mental health standpoint. One good resource is a book called "Boundary Boss" that could help you identify more clearly areas that you can work on and that will be satisfying to you. Another thing that I found helpful was journaling to be able to sort through my feelings about this turn of events.
Hope this at least gets you started. Much can be done to improve your lives together, but it does take time and effort and your partner does need to be involved.
Thank you
Submitted by Juliegum on
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for your very supportive message. It was so lovely to get your message today, and to know that I am not alone, as I am really struggling. I just have to learn how to live with this. According to him, I am the problem not him.
I have lived with this for over 50 years, it's been very hard.
When I have a conversation about his diagnosis and share some of what I know with him, he becomes very defensive and more often then not our conversation ends in an argument.
Since his diagnosis which was two years ago now, he has done little, if anything, to find ways to manage his ADHD, apart from taking medication which was prescribed by his psychiatrist at the time of diagnosis.
I, on the other hand have been trying so hard to make my life better by talking to counsellors and my psychologist, reading stories, and ways to manage his behaviour, on your website, and I propose to purchase those two books you suggested as well, so thank you.
I am seriously thinking of doing the non ADHD 8 week course but after your message I am now wondering if I should enrol in the couples course. What do you think....
FYI, the reason I have stayed and lived with this is because I love my husband.
I appreciate your help and advice in this matter.
Thank you.
It's all "normal"
Submitted by nonadhdhub on
Same boat. Together for nearly 2 decades as well. "Discovered" wife's ADHD last year and set off on a journey of education and understanding and self-discovery. It's been a rollercoaster to say the least. A lot of pent up bitterness, resentment, self-pity about what's been lost along with catastrophizing the future. Over-functioned like you for the better part of our relationship with kids, jobs, finacials, chores, etc. Chasing/"parenting" her for everything and getting nearly everything turned back on me/gaslighting. I literally thought I was going crazy - it was like my reality was not my own...
All of your feelings are valid and quite common in your scenario; feelings of anger, frustration, bitterness, confusion, loss, hopelessness, self-pity, ambivalence, apathy/empathy for your partner, etc., it's all "normal" (if there is such a thing as feeling normal about any of this). If you are where I was a year ago, right now you can't see the forest for the trees... know though there are alot of layers that need to be uncovered and examined. The best decision I made then was to get an individual therapist for myself, to work on my own mental health through all of this. I will say because of my therapist, things are better with me and my wife. Not because my wife has changed much since diagnosis, but because I better understand how to control my thoughts and my reactions to them.
If you don't go the individual therapy route, the most important thing you can give yourself is grace and time. None of this is your fault - not that there is anyone to blame per say but if you feel how I felt, I took turns in my head blaming myself and blaming my wife for all of this. It takes a lot of time to understand what ADHD is and to come to terms with all of your thoughts and emotions. You may go through a period of mourning and grieving. You may go through a period of denial and blame and shame. You may go through a period of exteme apathy. You may go through a period of extreme empathy. Allow for that ambivalence - it's normal and healthy. Work with a therapist or with your close friends/family, non-ADHD partner support groups, etc. to help you get through this.
Orlov has a good article here that provides some guidance on how to "reset" yourself that helped me in my early days of looking for answers: https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/learning-yourself-again-non-add-spo...
All the best to you on your journey. I hope you can find some peace through this tumultuous time.
Thank you
Submitted by Juliegum on
Hi,
Thank you for your message. I so appreciated you taking the time to write to me and send me Melissa’s link.
I have and are still going through most of the feelings you mentioned. It’s so hard.
Over the years, although I see a psychologist, I just find everyday such a struggle and like you find it all so frustrating and it’s never ending. My husband has done nothing about his ADHD since diagnosis except take his daily medication, which in my opinion has done nothing to help.
I hope one day you and I can find a peaceful resolution.
Thank you.
Meds don’t work
Submitted by Richarda1 on
I understand and same he takes meds and blows off any additional effort on behavior and thinks well I take the meds so I must be fixed and he gets defensive over everything if I try to talk about it so I just take care of almost everything and pretty much isolate myself from him so we don't argue, it's hard to feel for someone who can he so demanding and mean with anger if questioned and honestly I don't think it will ever change and maybe I am the one thinking it will meanwhile he goes through life with not a care doing fun things and hobby's.
Same boat
Submitted by Richarda1 on
I feel the same way after 30 years I am so upset with myself for not knowing better I had no clue what adhd was and now even with meds that honestly don't help but give him anger issues it seems much worse, I would leave but I don't think he can support himself and I feel very guilty about that so basically I feel very stuck.
Stuck
Submitted by Juliegum on
Hi,
I know I have similar feelings and also feel stuck, and I stay because of my children. They just wouldn't understand.
I feel your frustration. I am
Submitted by frayedattheendo... on
I feel your frustration. I am in a similar position. I've been with my partner for 15 years. He started therapy five years ago and things have only gotten worse from there. During this time he's had two therapists tell him he probably has ADHD and suggested he seek out a diagnosis and treatment, neither seem to take the disorder very seriously (one therapist told him I was abusive--she has never met me and relied on his reporting).
He only put himself on a waiting list for evaluation last week at my insistence.
I have developed severe physical problems from our time together among other things. We are lined up to see yet another couples therapist (our fourth), who claims to understand ADHD and its effect on relationships. Two of the therapists couldn't understand my frustration and anger (he adopts an innocent victim position due to his lack of self-awareness).
It's exhausting and even in a best case scenario I feel like I've reached the end of the road. I can't deal with his behavior that comes across as incredibly passive aggressive to me on top of the intense lack of self-awareness and angry outbursts. He was also raised with an extreme helicopter parenting style, so I'm not even sure what's ADHD and what's just entitled behavior anymore.
We've been together since I was very young and I feel like I've lost my youth and many opportunities.
I clearly, have not made peace with the disorder, so perhaps I am not the right person to comment, but I understand your frustration. Some days I am optimistic and other days, like today, I feel despair and regret.
Breathe!!
Submitted by Juliegum on
Hi,
Thank you for your message, I so appreciate you taking the time to write to me.
I totally agree it is so exhausting, and I feel each day is one long struggle.
I’m sorry I can’t help you either in some positive way, although the 8 week zoom meetings look like a positive way forward.
Take care and be kind to yourself.
Yes Jay...I've been there....
Submitted by c ur self on
I want bore you with my story, but, I will tell you how I moved past it...(the bitterness resentment, and the feelings of being used, and my life not mattering)....It took me at least six months to come to grips with the reality of it all...Then a couple of things had to happen....I had to be OK with leaving....I didn't, but, I had to be OK with doing it, if I felt is was the only way both of us could have a peaceful life....The second was boundaries....I had place boundaries on myself....1) My emotions will always be my responsibility, no matter what she say's or does...2) I must learn to never enable her, or mother her, no matter how bad this place looks...she is super messy worse than most children, and she can't throw much away....I fix my own meals or buy them, she can't be counted on for anything that takes discipline and routines....We don't share finances, or accounts....So my half of the bedroom is clean, her side is a night mare...I've learned to ignore it....How?...Respect...I respect her reality...She carries a lot of insecurities (she tries to hide them) from just watching me function and live life, in away she could never do...I had to look deeper than the surface life!....She doesn't like her inabilities, but it's who she is, so she just deals with it....I realized I had to focus on my responsibilities and just deal with me...LOL....Change isn't going to happen (for the most part) as for as the limitations and behaviors of manifested add goes...But, as for as recapturing my own life, I knew what it was going to take....STOP ALLOWING MY MIND TO BE DOMINATED BY THOUGHTS OF HER INTRUSIVE LIVING OF LIFE...You will have to do the same...When two married people have a lot in common, when they can communicate, when both are responsible to share in cooking, cleaning, child care, just sharing willingly in all aspects, they can have what people like to term as a normal relationship....I had one for the most part for 30 years before my first wife passed away....But I don't have that now, and it sounds like you don't either...So boundaries are a must, if we want to be able to have a life that is.....I prayed a lot, still do...This is an example of boundaries that happened recently.....She rented a 4 bedroom house at the beach...We have 4 grown children....So three of the kids and grand kids were going to stay with us in the house...We have been getting along very well for a couple of years now, so this was kind of out of left field, but, we must never let anything shock us :)....Three days before we are to leave she starts calling for me to come into the kitchen....She is calling our 6 year old grandson a liar and demanded I whip him...(Been here before also)....She gets on a kids level really easy, playing with them, but, then when they do something she doesn't like, she hit's them with the angry adult...Kids don't know how to react...Just starts crying....So I refused to be drug into it, and scolded her for the way she was trying to drag me into it, and for the way she was handling it....(calling a six year old a liar!) So she shut herself up in a bedroom, I calmed him down and took him home when it was time....So when I checked on her she loudly told me, she rented the beach house, and she did not want me there! And that she wanted a divorce...I knew it was unfiltered add spewing out, but, I was done...I walked in here and text two of our children (my daughters) and told them what she said, and I wouldn't be going but that I wanted them to go and have a good time...Plans had been made, and people had taken off work....I just wanted them to not be surprise when their Dad didn't show up....Of course my wife never apologized, but in two day's was excusing what she said with..." Well I was just mad"....So in the past I would enable that by going anyway...But, not any more....I made her go alone and face the kids without me....I made my own reservations and just got home today from a week at the beach....She came down on the weekend, and we had two great days of fun.....I never hold grudges, and always forgive her, but, I never enable her....She must be accountable for her actions....It's the only way I've found to force accountability on her, and keep my own peace....There is nothing more damaging to our spirits than to be subjected to unfiltered outbursts, and irresponsible behaviors and not calmly walk way.....You must STOP OWNING OR PARTICIPATING, in behaviors that do not belong to you! My adult wife, and your adult wife, must own their own thoughts, words, and behaviors, or our anger, resentment and bitterness will never go away...
I was so bitter, and when I started reading and praying about it, it was like the Lord told me, you don't want me to take it, you think it's your protection....I understand you friend...I understand what you are dealing with....I suggest turning your attention on your life, set boundaries, and pray! ....You will have to allow her to deal with her, no matter what that looks like...I have found that non-participation is the best medicine...You can't speak into a closed mind of denial...It will destroy us if we don't walk away from thinking they can hear, or do anything about it if they could....Acceptance of Reality!....And you and her will never have the same reality.....
Bless you
c
Hi there. Going through the
Submitted by needingstrength on
Hi there. Going through the same thing right now. 10 years and I completely can relate to everything you have typed. My husband finally had and suspected that he might have ADHD. There are lots of other symptoms that have displayed themselves at the workplace and at home. He did take the initiative to make an appointment and is agreeable to pursuing medication - it was his idea. Unfortunately, we live rurally so its a several month wait to get into a good physician. Appointment has been made, we are waiting, and I'm still dealing with all of the emotions. SO MUCH of his behavior now makes sense from over the years. It now seems incredibly obvious, but it didn't start this way. He used to just be flighty, forgetful, "squirrely," and other textbook symptoms. Over the past few years we've had some job changes, moved, and introduced a child into our life and looking back I can see a rapid decline in symptoms due to introducing all of this big things to manage and uncontrollable rage has been a huge symptom of his.
I understand now that all of his behaviors and attitudes can be traced back to his ADHD (which he has admitted strugging with as a kid, now that he has a name for it). Ever since the "revelation," I've been reading everything I can get my hands on to better understand what he's going through. I intellectually have a grasp now but it doesn't make the pain of all of the hurtful blame and demeaning things he has said to me in rage episodes over the years, and the exhaustion for constantly covering for him. I grew up with an emotionally abusive parent so my view of the "normalcy" of these episodes was somewhat altered and my response to all of this was to take on a caretaker/parent/submissive role.
I know that so much of his behavior is attributed to the ADHD. It's obvious now. However, I am holding on to much anger, hurt, resentment. Especially in the past few years I have taken over all administrative, childcare, kept the household running just like you. I've been the glue that has held the daily, boring stuff intact for a decade. It got to the point where I had to issue so many reminders for things that he really needed to do but I ended up doing because the mental load of reminding him just was dumped on me anyway. It was easier and faster just do do it all myself. I'm naturally organized so falling into this role was easy for me...
The worst part is the rage. I'm blamed for him forgetting. I'm blamed for not reminding him enough. If I could just be more relaxed he wouldn't have to fly off the handle at me. I've made his life so much harder and it's my fault he has these outburts. Etc. Etc. After these arguments, there have been times where he literally doesn't remember saying any of those things.
The more I read, the more clear it becomes. Last week we had a blowup, a result of a normal conversation where he took one tiny thing and blew it up to magnitude of rage and leaving the house for a few hours. Naturally there was some reason where my "attitude" "made" him react in this way (shifting blame). Meanwhile, I'm left in the dust and have to continue caring for our child, because his rage blinds him to all of this. Most normal observers would count this as abuse and advise me to leave; however, I now know that the ADHD can be managed and handled to a certain level. I love him very much and want to work this out. It still doesn't keep me from being sad, lonely, and upset.
All this to say: I understand.
Still grieving
Submitted by AssiePassie on
Boy do I recognize what you are saying, except I'm not so much bitter as I am sad. Sad for how different our lives could have been, had my partner been diagnosed earlier. We've been together for 40 years (my husband was diagnosed at age 58 by the third therapist he visited ) and I was on the verge of giving up on our relation.
Finally knowing what the cause of his problems is, has helped us both. He talks more about his difficulties and that has made me realize that life is even tougher for him! Which makes me less cranky when I have to do more to keep the household running. We've only just started on this new journey but I'm more hopeful now then before. So I hope once your partner gets treatment, you'll be able to make some changes in your relationship. But I'm still grieving over our lost years, at least that's how I feel it.
Thank you for responding. Wow
Submitted by needingstrength on
Thank you for responding. Wow, 40 years! I am also realizing through research that this is incredibly difficult for him. I do understand on an intellectual level what is going on but it is painful to think of all the ruined occasions, sleepless nights, secret crying due to the adhd stress and things that were said. My only comfort is now I know I was NOT crazy. Onwards, I suppose...
Understanding
Submitted by PHK803 on
I am the one with the ADHD in my marriage. It recently hit me last week what I have been doing and I started to read up more on my diagnosis. My incredible wife has been very patient with me in our almost five year marriage and now it's really starting to wear on her.
As the one with ADHD I struggle with my impulsiveness and interrupting her when she speaks. I have tried so hard after reading up on trying to be better. I tried to speak to her about this and she keeps telling me that it has nothing to do with my ADHD and it's the fact that I don't listen to her. I do hear what she is saying and we both have different ways of thinking. What makes sense to me often upsets her and then that's when she says I'm not listening.
Any advice on how to navigate through this? I feel like I am going to lose my wife and that is not what I want for me, us, and our kids.
Understanding on both sides
Submitted by AssiePassie on
Always hard to give advice, but since you asked, I dare try ;-)
Sometimes my husband is really angry and irritable and I'm the one to hear it all. It really helps me if he comes to me later and apologizes for his behavior and gives me a big hug. Now we both know it's the ADHD, it's easier for me to forgive him, and his apology shows me he is willing to take responsibility, which is very important.
And I remember that a therapist once told me: you know when someone is listening through the actions that person is taking afterwards. So if she's asking for help, do what she's asked you to do (without a lot of sighing and complaining over it ;-)
It also helps to realize your wife is very likely burnt out (I know I was when our children were small) and she has no energy to be the loving person she used to be. It will take time to recover for both of you.
I've read the book 'The ADHD effect on marriage', which was extremely helpful for me. If you haven't read it already, I'd highly recommend reading it!!!
All the best,
I'll do my best to offer some
Submitted by needingstrength on
I'll do my best to offer some advice from the perspective of the non-adhd spouse. My husband struggles with interrupting me and sometimes I have the perception that he isn't listening because he is distracted by something else while I'm trying to talk, or he'll get up in the middle of a sentence or pick up his phone while I'm talking. He says doesn't even know he's doing it. What comforts me is a sincere apology and acknowledgement when I point out the behavior, instead of defensiveness (which is typically the response). He gets mad when I ask if he is listening because "of course he is listening!" even though the body language (to a non-adhd person) indicates otherweise. In all, I feel like what the non-adhd spouse is usually looking for is just an acknowledgement/apology. I am now aware that part of these behaviors are impulsive and can't be helped by him, but when he acknowledges and apologizes it helps me know that he's trying (instead of ignoring the issue and just moving on). Hope that helps.
Struggles
Submitted by PHK803 on
I offer the apology when it is needed. The thing that is hard for us I keep doing it and apologize time after time and now she is so upset that it keeps happening. I have told her that I have read up on my diagnosis and she wants to believe (well I think) that it has nothing to do with it. It always comes back to the I don't listen and don't take what she has to say.
Has she read or done her own
Submitted by needingstrength on
Has she read or done her own research? (I know you said that you have down your own, but has she done her own independent research?) For me, personally, it was only upon doing my own reading where the behaviors started to make sense. I realized that my husbands behaviors were not "neuro-typical" and he had a unique thought process and perception of the world. Once I had an understanding that his brain was not "neuro-typical" (he has many amazing qualities which I married him for that can be attributed to his non-neurotypical brain) it helped me gain empathy towards the subject.
Unsure
Submitted by PHK803 on
I'm unsure about this. I don't think she has and unsure if she wants to.
Would she be open to you
Submitted by needingstrength on
Would she be open to you sharing some resources?
Hopefully
Submitted by PHK803 on
I am hopeful that she would be! I will try and report back.
Apologies.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Sincere and heartfelt apologies are a good thing and go a long way. What would be even better is changed Behavior and I know that's difficult, but it is frustrating for the partner of someone who continues to apologize when they don't change what they're doing.
Reporting Back
Submitted by PHK803 on
I had the chance to sit and talk with my wife and I think we got to hear each other out pretty well. I told her that I was struggling with stress and some of my behaviors and she talked to me about her stress and how she is feeling about my behaviors. She started out with saying that she has heard everything I have said to her and I completely agreed. In response I told her that I was in denial and now I see what my behaviors and actions of done to us and our family. For me I have to earn my wife's trust back and that is hard for me to hear but know that it is very true. My actions have lacked in the past and I start out really well and then the next week back to my comfort zone. We are on week two of me proving that I am dedicated to her and our family. I have made some strides and we have had some minor hiccups but, I'm trying and will continue to be the best me for myself and for our family.
Same here
Submitted by Dagmar on
I know I talk a lot on here about how my husband's RSD came to a head when we had kids, but I don't talk about how upset I still am about it. When we had kids, the house we had been renovating was finally liveable, he had a job that paid enough for me to stay at home with the kids, and it was the happiest time of my life. I felt good about how I was keeping the house in order, I was making healthy meals, I was visiting both my and his elderly widowed mothers regularly and constantly taking the kids to do enriching and fulfilling stuff. It was the only time in my entire life when I could just go to bed at night and fall asleep.
There was just one problem. My husband was constantly arguing with me and refusing to help with anything. He took up vaping as a hobby and was spending all our money on that and hiding it because I didn't want him doing it in the house, then I'd catch him and he'd deny it. He stopped taking his medication. He worked from home and I would stay out of the house for at least six hours every day and even then he would scream at me for bothering him if I asked for help, say, putting two kids under two into the car in the morning, because "he was working!" He was out of town two weeks a month and so had band practice with two different bands at least three if not four nights a week when he was home I once tried to make plans with friends and could only find a two-hour window in an entire month.
Then he lost his job. Suddenly, he realized what a jerk he had been and stopped acting like that. I took two jobs to support us. He just let the kids watch hours of TV every day. He didn't buy nutritious foods and the kids just ate garbage. He didn't clean the house. I was working so hard that I couldn't take the time to do anything for myself. Since then, he's working but not making enough. I'm working part-time at my own business but struggling. Im working so hard to get back to that place where I was, but the kids are older and I'm probably going to have to get a full-time job soon because we are really racking up the debt. I can't keep the house clean, and since the kids don't remember what it was like before and missed out on the training, it's an even bigger struggle.
Sometimes I get so bitter that my one shot at doing what I wanted to do (I always just wanted to be a SAHM!) was totally marred by his behavior, I can hardly breathe. That I couldn't feel good about myself and have him be happy and supportive, especially after all the years I supported him in everything he wanted to do. We went to counseling for a while, but he has improved so much that there wasn't much to say. I found my own therapist, but she had also given up on wanting to be a SAHM, and had been supporting her non-working husband for 10 years now and just kept getting angry at me for not just getting a full-time job and leaving him. I'm slowly getting over it, but it definitely comes up sometimes.
In a Similar Boat
Submitted by NonADHD Newbie on
I've been married almost 15 years to a wonderful person; however, we just recently put a "name" to his often unexplainable behavior (argumentative, over-reactive, easily distracted, sometimes long-winded, sometimes completely shut down). I'm now running the gamut of emotions: anger, sadness, resentment, and fear in particular (fear for the longevity of the relationship). I feel like I've been a supportive partner, even when it went unreciprocated, and now I'm hoping that our mutual awareness of ADHD behaviors will help us both modify our expectations and responses to situations. I hope that is the same for you as well, but it is NOT EASY.
I can relate to this
Submitted by Wahokies on