Hi all, I'm hoping that I can release some emotions on here as I'm at my last straw. I (non adhd) am a wife to an adhd spouse, and I am exhausted, I am in burnout and recently started antidepressants and counseling for myself. Something which I never wanted to do but I broke and finally admitted I needed help.
My husband is a good guy but he has the hyper side of ADHD, and it is exhausting, I feel like I married a toddler.
I literally do everything, the house chores, the bills, the presents, the laundry, the food shopping, the cooking, everything! My husband keeps saying that I do too much but he doesn't help, or when he offers it's an empty gesture or (and i really appreciate how hard it is) his ADHD just wont allow him. I have tried approaching him in different ways to get him to help, explained how much the mental load it taking on me, how I need a tidy house or it really sets off my anxiety, I have suggested selected chores, timers, reminders, everything! But he either wont try them (then says I'm an arse for suggesting them coz he cant help it) or it happens for a week then that's it. He says i ask him at the wrong times, so I dont ask him on the evening now, I ask him just before tea (but then im telling him what to do) or I will ask him on a morning, but i'm being a nag. He has tried to step up and help but like I said it doesnt last.
I may sound like a right a******e but how is this fair?
Is anyone else's adhd spouse quick to point the blame to anyone else? like he'll make a mistake (even small ones) and whilst I don't lose my temper or make any comments, he'll end up blaming me for it.
I have had countless people come up to me and say you have a patience of a saint and all he has to say about me is negative....
I just cant keep going and I need to know is this normal for adhd relationships?
It's not you, it's him
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It's definitely time to lay the blame where it belongs and absolve yourself. It's not about you doing too much or your approach or your explanations or your expectations or your timing. It's about the fact that it's SO much easier for him to blame those things than take accountability for the fact that HE'S not being a partner to you. Full stop. If he wants to keep this relationship, he needs to address the ADHD symptoms that are destroying the marriage... and destroying you. That means meds and therapy and him being independently accountable for managing a reasonable part of the household load. And he CAN help it - at least to some degree - by optimizing medication and committing to implementing the strategies an ADHD coach/therapist suggests.
I've been exactly where you are - completely burnt out and taking anti-depressants to manage HIS problem. (I've never before and never since leaving been depressed!) It's a dark hole and I'm so sorry for where you're at.
Yes, this is normal for many ADHD relationships where the person with ADHD isn't treated and would rather destroy their partner than look at themselves honestly and do the work. My ex was willing to lose the marriage and see his child once a week for a few hours rather than address the ADHD. It would benefit you to honestly assess if he's willing to improve things. This means concrete action on his part - pursuing and taking meds and attending therapy regularly and implementing the strategies. If he continues to show you he's unwilling to address the ADHD medically (simply 'trying harder' doesn't work as you've seen), you have to decide if you want your life to be this way forever. You are amazing and deserve someone who gives as much as you do to the relationship.
"Show me a person who is not guilty of anything....
Submitted by J on
and I'll show you a person who believes they've done nothing wrong."
Hi 1Melody1
I thought of this saying when I read what you said here. Reflecting on this a bit.
I'm far from perfect and have
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I'm far from perfect and have done countless things wrong in my life, but when untreated ADHD is at the heart of relational problems, I don't think it makes sense to blame the person who has tried tirelessly for years to solve to the problems (alone). The OP is doing everything and when she approaches her husband rationally and vulnerably, instead of taking accountability, he blames her for her approach, timing, attitude, etc. Honestly captured the insult to injury this adds best in her comment. Sorry, but I'm tired of the tiptoeing we're 'expected' to do - for YEARS - at the detriment to our own health when someone with ADHD is refusing to lift a finger to try. Now when an ADHD spouse is employing the tools and earnestly trying to meet a partner halfway, that's a different story. That is not the story here.
Appreciate your presence and perspective on the forum, J. I read your posts often.
To be sure....
Submitted by J on
that comment was aimed at myself as much as anyone...including my SO who has trouble with accountability in certain areas. She's also very responsible and takes care of the household extremely well, pay bills on time etc.
But, if you get even close to having a conversation about anything she's done to hurt me or her own criticism and judgement...you get met with defensiveness and anger.
We're on the same page.
Well, I did it this morning....
Submitted by J on
I not only got close to having that conversation...I actually did it and while I was upset. This was not a planned thing mind you....this was me, expressing my anger and concerns without blowing up ( in the moment ). I actually told her what was on my mind and why I was angry instead of reacting. I did react a little by taking my hearing aids out and telling her to not try and talk to me because "I can't hear you". As a critique on myself, that was about the only thing I did wrong.
What prompted this was her talking down to me as a child. I recognized it in an instant and in a moment when she asked "Are you mad?" I responded, "Yeah a little bit, I'm not your child".....and took off my hearing aids a jumped in the shower. I just left it there and had a moment to compose myself. After getting out of the shower, I told her I needed to get a couple of things off my chest:
- the parent child relationship including: "you don't want to have sex with your child and I don't want to have sex with my mom"
- Her eye rolling the other night and explaining what that meant ie: contempt. First time I've seen it but also saying...the other day she flashed a very scary look at me with hatred in her eyes. I told her, there's no way you could know if I don't tell you.
-her forgetting to get me a card ( or anything ) on the anniversary of me coming here to live. I do the whole thing: flowers, card, dinner etc. I told her, that really hurt.
I said, " you say you love me but your actions say differently. You express contempt and hatred ( after the explanation ) and asked " what are you so angry about? Why do you hate me? "
She said she doesn't hate me, she has ADHD and gets angry like that with everyone. Okay, I can buy that. She acknowledged that her talking down at me like a child was what she did. That was good.
She didn't believe me at first about not giving me a card but I assured she didn't. No apology there.
About that time, she finally started to get angry and defensive and visibly agitated. She said. " I've heard enough, time to stop talking". This of course, was what I expected...so I ended it right there.
I told her my intention was not to upset her but, if I didn't say anything, there'd be no way for her to know. I reassured her I loved her and left it there.
After calming down ( her ) she went on about what she was doing and pretty much acted like it didn't happen.
I think I navigated that pretty well. I got my two bits in without too much drama. No one yelled, it wasn't a fight...it was me, successfully getting things off my chest and not allowing my emotions to get the better of me. I felt heard at least...and I got to say what I wanted to say including: in real time....making her see the parent child dynamic right when it happened.
I expected the anger and defensiveness...and saw it for what it was. It still happened, but I was able to be heard.
J
PS This is why I come to this forum. Processing and knowing what to do and what not to do...and of course, the reasons why.
Thank you to everyone here, for being a part of making this happen.
It isn't fair....
Submitted by J on
but life isn't fair.
Hi LS89,
This must be so hard for you and I understand what you're feeling right now. What I just said about life not being fair is one of the self talk tools I use to help give me perspective sometimes, especially when I start slipping into a negative spiral.
I can help answer your question about is this normal for ADHD relationships, the negativity part, and the answer is: it's common for an ADHD person to have a negative attitude about themselves ( the relationship with themselves ) which rubs off, or gets transferred ( transference ) onto the person they're with....even directly as you've said.
Even before I was diagnosed...I noticed and learned that certain things helped me feel better and bring me out of my negative attitude at times. I still do some of these today but saying, in therapy, I was given some tools to help me do so. I've learned to talk myself out of having a negative attitude so I don't remain stuck there for too long. But even before that....I discovered ways to do this out of necessity.
I tend to have bad dreams a lot. All the time in fact. This has be true ever since I was a kid, so waking up on the wrong side of the bed is almost normal for me. I have to do things to start my day off better which usually starts with listening to music first thing. Or then exersising first thing in the morning. I tend to stay away from the news or other negative experiences and focus on positive ones as well. This gets my day started out right, with a good attitude. What will really get my day started out badly is to have an argument or fight with anyone, not just my SO. We actually don't fight or argue much which is good...but I will take those hits to my self esteem when she does what you described. That's when I have to use the tools I've learned to get myself out of my funk:
-no one ever promised every day is going to be good. In fact....no one promised ALL day was supposed to he good either. There's going to be some good and some not so good experiences all day long.
Or the 4 agreements ...these have a transformative power for me too: 1) All ways do your best 2) be impeccable with your word . 3) Don't make assumptions. 4) Don't take things personally
These are all things that help with the negative self talk. After a while, it becomes a habit.
But now, I'm having too deal with another person who is struggling with this which makes this much harder at times to deal with. As you are.
What I've found to be true that works, is to stay away from negativity with her and do the reverse even when I don't necessarily feel like it. Like smiling. If I smile, she smiles. If I say positive things about her ( despite her not always reciprocating especially when she start getting critical or negative towards me.) I can pretty effectively neutralize her negativity as long as I don't join her in her attitude. Not always easy, but it does seem to work.
Anyway...the answer is yes about the negative relationship but it may help to remind you that this is what's going on inside his head....about himself.
So sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
This is an unacceptable situation. I've divorced an ADD partner and have experiences in common with you and Melody. I know no saint who would endure what you describe.
The thing about ADHD-non marriage is the spouses can exist each in their own universe. These universes can have little in common. Expectations, needs and ambitions don't cross between the two worlds. So your ADHD partner may have the best intentions, but can still wreck your life and your health. You may do everything possible to convey your needs, your ADHD partner might still not meet them.
I don't pretend to know you or your other circumstances, but I know the kind of marriage you describe is unhealthy and destructive. It doesn't matter that he can't help he's dysfunctional. You need urgently to protect yourself from further dysfunction.
Nobody should need to live like this. I feel for you.
yes it’s normal
Submitted by honestly on
and IMHO, the blame is the worst of it. You bite your tongue and you carry the load and you just get on with it because you have to. Then you put a foot wrong, say something that can be perfectly neutral and calm, but their RSD kicks in and guess what, and you are a monster. Critical and cruel. The rest of the world might think you are the nicest person they've ever met but at home you are a b***h. So you have to carry that too, along with everything else. It's horrible. In my experience, the effects are very similar to gaslighting. You soon doubt your own perceptions, motivations, and your sense of self.
I'm sorry. I have no answers, only sympathy.
x
Thank you all so much for
Submitted by LS89 on
Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and tips, I really feel like I have been heard and listened to and I relate so much to what you are all saying. I am sorry that you have gone/going through this along with me. I had it out with my husband last night and he seemed to understand but we've had this conversation before.
I keep reading your comments and they really resonate with me and I don't feel I'm completely alone in this now. So thank you.
I will keep reading your comments and using your suggestions to try and keep going, but I will be considering stepping back a bit and looking after myself, despite how hard that would be.
Once again, thank you for your comments and kind words, you really don't know how much it has helped me to read them xx
Hello LS89
Submitted by c ur self on
I've lived with the same laziness, the same childish selfishness...I have choose to for over 15 years...(recently asked her to move back to her empty house) Just hoping and praying her eye's would open one day,..Burdened down w/ no communication ability as it relates to her own behaviors, because of the locked mind of denial and blame...
The longer I read posts like yours, and look at the story of my life, along w/just watching the struggles of others married into situations like ours.....The more clear it becomes.....You stated here what I've stated, and what many state..."He or she is a good guy/gal"....Well that might be true IF they had taken no vows and were not living destructive toward their spouse....You can't live w/ faulty priorities and be a husband or wife....Never will that work...So any time a person justifies laziness toward their responsibilities, or proclaims they aren't cut out to use their healthy energetic bodies to do the work in the marriage....Then they are unfit to be a spouse...This type self centered mind has no problem destroying other people's lives....(Mine demands to live in a pig sty, or be carried) Most have no idea what love is....Mine don't want to move out (imagine that, lives in another part of the house, but, don't want to leave, of course she don't, I make her life easy)...She has no idea the suffering her indifference and laziness has plagued my life with...(mental & emotional)....And don't care....Yep, there is a lot of good guy's and good gals, who will never step up to life's responsibilities...These people should always stay single....Because they are destructive as spouses....The worst kind of loniliness, is never being alone....
c
Won’t she leave!?
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm aghast to hear she still lives with you and doesn't want to move out. I hope this will soon be sorted for your sake.
I know how it feels to be used for convenience.
No; she is reluctant to leave....
Submitted by c ur self on
I think me asking her to leave shocked her....She had pulled away and pulled away until life was just like she liked it...(of course boundaries had also ended a lot of our interactions, which was me...Because after years of trying, I realized I could not trust her to not blow up and ruin any attempt at travel, etc...
She said around the end of May that she could be out around the end June, and have all her stuff out by the end of July...I told her to take August too, if she needed it...(house has set for 16 years and needs quiet a bit of work)...It's not really the time....It's the attitude...She said a few weeks ago that she wasn't leaving unless I paid for her work on the house....I just spoke up and said, your leaving alright!....But, I didn't say any more, the last thing I'm going to do argue with her...
I'm done attempting to have conversations with an uncaring defiant spirit....16 years of that pain was enough....
c
Sorry C
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Realize my ex moving out would never have happened either if I hadn't organized it. Of course, inertia.
Im so sorry C.
Weeks went by and my ex did nothing to recover the trust between us after having RSD'd lavishly for a few months before divorce was finalized. He did nothing to pack stuff. I kept on cooking family dinners and tried to be brave in front of the children. Every day was torture.
I realized he would never move out on his own accord. So I sat down with him gently and explained he needed to get cardboard boxes and set them up in the living room. We would need to go through our belongings and split them. Then he would need to put his things in the boxes. We would need to get doubles for a lot of things. I offered to take the children away for a week so he could pack undisturbed. I offered him a truck owned by someone I know on the weekend he'd get the keys to his new house.
"Will I need to get moving help?" he asked, confusedly. "Yes", I said. "I won't carry your stuff to your house."
same type unconcern....
Submitted by c ur self on
I told her that I would carry anything she boxed up and put in the rooms she designated....I also told her if there were things she didn't want, to put it in a certain place and I would discard it all for her....She has moved a very few things, but, as done very little packing (she's a light hoarder and has an overwhelming amount of stuff)...Boxes piled in the living room for a few months now basically untouched....I try my best everyday to take it with a grain of salt...I've had 16 years of experience watching her attitudes and life pursuits...I can't be fretting over what I can't even comprehend....
Drifting apart
Submitted by Swedish coast on
In This Is How Your Marriage Ends there is a chapter on how spouses drift apart with time if not striving constantly to connect. That theme spoke to me. I think the ADD mind may rest thinking nothing bad happens with time if they do nothing. Instead, their inertia kills the marriage.
As you said, if she pulls away but still lives with you, she has the convenience of your resources. That seems like a comfortable place for her, but to me it's deeply immoral and also insulting to you. My ex husband did it too. He used our home like a hotel for many months after having checked out from the relationship.
It looks like blindness. It's also unacceptable.
I agree SC...
Submitted by c ur self on
She acts and lives like and unconcerned dependent...(like a selfish child who doesn't have the maturity to even understand her actions)...There is no boundaries that can limit her from using the quest room, the groceries, and utilities w/o any work or effort toward it....Unless she leaves....
We had sex up until I quit being the cheerleader for it about 6 months ago...It got very old dealing with her negative and un-thankful attitude...But even our sex life was just that for her....It was her finally agreeing for a 30 minute business meeting of mutual orgasm's....No love, most of the time she did not want to kiss...And once we started it was all about what was good for her....Completely self centered in all aspects.....I just finally got done with being the unappreciated aggressor...So I just stepped back and decide to see what she would do....Nothing!...Not one hug or kiss or request for touching since early Spring....I'm not shocked...
If you're going to live w/ no thought of your spouse, you need to get out and face the responsibilities of life...If that don't make her consider her ways, then it's probably hopeless anyway....
I understand you
Submitted by dalanak on
It feels like you've described my husband. Only we also have children. This is complete and utter self-destruction. Read about OTRS and Cassandra syndrome. We have all of this. I don't know what to do myself.