My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. When I met him (he's 30), he was taking big dosages of Ritalin, which made him act a bit detached and zomby-like. I noticed that when he wasn't on medication, he was still very focused, able to concentrate on details etc. I thought that he should not take the meds, and his doctor stopped prescribing them anyway. However, after a year and a half that we've been living in a small apartment and we both have jobs that can be mostly done from home, I realized that we talk all day long. He is initiating these conversations, and he's an interesting and compelling talker (he also mostly lets me talk almost as much as him in these conversations), and this, I felt, was great for our relationship for a long time (we got to know each other really well, we discuss everything, we bonded). But now, after a year and a half, I just want to sit and be quiet at some times during the day. I want to read, I want to think by myself, I feel like I want to go to a hotel, just so that I can have some space. When I mention this to him, it sounds horrible: "We talk too much, I need my space" etc. Who'd want to hear this from their spouse, no matter how much I say that I love him and that this is not a rejection? I don't want him to be like a zombie on ritalin, so that I can read, but on the other hand, I don't want to be the prisoner of our constant (even if very interesting) conversations. I feel horrible, because I love him and we do have very compatible personalities in other aspects (except this one, in which he wants to interact with people/me all the time, while I want to be by myself). I don't know what to do.
Non Stop Talking in Marriage
Submitted by aj2291 on 06/06/2015.
Hi aj9221
Submitted by c ur self on
Just reading your post....I would ask a few questions....You identified the conversation early on as a bonding experience. My question is Do you think if you had not wanted so much conversation into the beginning, could you have done anything to stop it?....What I'm saying is, is he just someone who talks a lot? Another question is do you really think he wants a reply every time? Are you just a sounding board at times? Is he the type that does better verbalizing his thoughts whether he is alone or w/ company? Just something to consider.
It's obvious you don't want to disappoint him, but you would love some quiet time. I think you should just set down and tell him that you need to cut back on some of the random conversations so you can stay focused on your work, and and other interests that take focus and quiet. If he's not taking it well, just tell him it's has absolutely nothing to do with your feelings for him. But, since we are working our of the house so often I need you to respect that I'm different from you, I truly need some conversation free time to concentrate.
Hopefully he will be aware of his propensity to engage you often and work with this...Since it's been going on a while and he has built up a comfort zone to just engage you and start talking without checking your status, it will probably take patients until this gets better....I suggest after you agree on this, that you help him by not responding to idle comments. Then if he just presses you, still don't say anything and just look up, (try to not have a bad face;)....I think you can teach him and send a harmless message with your own silence....
C
Thank you for your thoughtful answer, C
Submitted by aj2291 on
I really appreciate this. I used a forum at a time in my life when I had problems with sleep, and it was truly nice to see how much people who don't know each other can help each other with just comments and suggestions.
I have to admit that I took his diagnosis from childhood fairly lightly. I believe in therapy and medicine, but I think that sometimes everything is too easily called a "disorder." This is not to diminish anyone's problems, it's more to acknowledge that many people have some sort of a "disorder" (I'm an anxious person, for example), and that I do not think that our differences and personalities have to all be "ironed out" (they make us interesting). To answer, I think he'd be happy with someone just listening, but I think that he feels much better about the fact that I'm not just a sounding board, and that I participate. He is extremely social (comes from the family with 6 children), I was an only child and I had to learn how to entertain myself from very early on.
Today was the first day that I actually googled the symptoms of ADD and ADHD more extensively. He actually fits the description pretty correctly. For example, he runs a small business out of our place as well, but I think the business could have been MUCH more successful (he admits to this) if he actually DID the work. He is very creative, and comes up with ideas, but he doesn't like sitting down and executing them, especially if they involve periods of writing. He prefers to come and TELL me in many words how the business could be improved and discuss this at length, instead of actually doing the work. At first, I thought he's just lazy, and it made me angry. But then I remembered the ADHD and thought that it might be truly hard for him to sit down and do that kind of work. Especially since he's NOT lazy AT ALL when it comes to all kinds of household and other tasks (which do not require long periods of sitting, or let alone reading). I also thought how, if he's bored somewhere and has to sit, he starts fidgeting. He is thinking of switching from business-running to some sort of sales, precisely because he talks so much (and eloquently).
I told him today what you suggested. He tried to blame this on my anxiety and the small living/working space, but he asked for the time to process it. (This made him unusually quiet, because he gets quiet for a bit when he's hurt.) I guess this is the first time that I finally am not taking his adhd diagnosis (and the probability that he does have some form of it) lightly. I'm concerned about the ways it's impacting his life (not being able to focus on sedentary writing tasks), and our marriage (constant need for interaction: we're talking from morning to night; I have to write this while he's asleep).
In all honesty, when I had a dissertation to finish, he was disciplined and left me alone, but most of the time, to achieve that, he had to find tasks outside of the apartment. I'm just trying to understand what it means for us if he truly does have ADHD. I guess I'm also scared of the fact that we communicate so well, and are very caring for each other, but then at the same time, we're so different. (My job is to write books, while he admitted to have never completed reading a single chapter, not even at school, as he loses focus. However, he retains information very easily through listening, for example, and is very intelligent and focused in a conversation.)
Sounds familiar....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm with you on the idea of disorders; we all have them to some degree...But, as long as we never use them as an excuse to hurt or take advantage of another person they are a mute point in most aspects of relationships...
It's so easy in life to get a little selfish, for us all....Just remember there is Love...then there is stuff like enablement and intrusiveness....Love is good the other two not so much...If you and your husband can unselfishly and calmly come to the mature place of mutual respect (of your differences and values) you will have down better than most on this forum including myself (making great strides, but it's taken seven years)...
It is so easy to want to justify our view of life and what should be happening in our marriage, so with that as a mind-set we drift off into pressuring the other person (the one we vowed to love;) with expectations vs accepting what we see in front of us...
Remember accepting doesn't mean you agree...It just means you both can have peace....
I will end my two cents worth by just saying "Keep the main thing the main thing;)"
Hi aj2291
Submitted by kellyj on
It sounds very much like your H might have ADHD from your descriptions which you already concur with from your own reading. Working from the same assumption as you, it does sound more like ADHD/combined or less just ADD like myself. I have a few thoughts to share with you that I have found that work for me in addressing some of the things you are mentioning but first, you also need to find a good way to create boundaries for yourself without aggravating the situation. I think it is good you can see your way past the idea that everything has to fall into a disorder anytime you read list of symptoms on the web or out of a book. These definitions and descriptions are great to narrow things down but everyone (as C mentioned)...you and everyone else, lives on a continuum of the same symptoms at different times even briefly, which do not constitute and person who suffers to the point of not being able to function in day to day life. I think it is really good to keep this in mind and not run too far with this unless properly diagnosed.
He is thinking of switching from business-running to some sort of sales, precisely because he talks so much (and eloquently). I'd have to ask a few questions first. Is he good at selling? I gew up with a born salesman for a father and worked in a sales environment (and around salespeople) all my life. I myself am a poor salesman in one aspect except in very specific technical selling even though I am very good at passing along information which is part of it......I am much better suited as a sales rep who also provides customer service and support.
The best salespeople I have ever encountered can sell anything to anybody at anytime....day or night. They are always selling and always closing and it's just in their blood and are almost always have a more aggressive personality to being invasive socially. They do not respond well to being told no which will only ensile them more to continue selling.
I look for the laziest people I can find that have a history of great sales. Amazing salespeople are lazy, and seem to be predisposed to ADD. You basically just have to let them do their own thing and hope for the best in combination with their ability to never take no as an answer. Best quick test: Tell them they didn't make the cut and if they argue with you, you've got a winner. --Liam Martin, (taken from a list top sales qualities INC.com ) I agree with this as unlikely as it sounds.
We want someone who is going to get excited about "the big fish"--someone who will prepare endlessly and wade through a lot of information, contacts and leads in order to put themselves in a position to land as many big accounts as possible. That kind of drive pushes them to never rest on their laurels and always look for the next big thing. --Alex Lorton, Cater2.me Hunter mentality (aggressive and even predatory) Unfortunately, people like this can make the best salespeople I have ever come across but also do not integrate with others very well socially at times.(understandably lol ) It's also one my weakest qualities as I get no rush from selling like a person who has this quality gets. It's why I do so poorly, admittedly why I don't seek sales jobs because this component is missing in my personality for the most part.
I've found consistent follow-ups to be one of the most valuable acts a salesperson can do. My team has gained many sales by having a strategic follow-up strategy for our salespeople to follow. When they don't follow it, I can usually tell about two months later. Other skills can be learned through training, but follow-up is mostly about discipline. --Lawrence Watkins, Great Black Not a strong suit for most people with ADHD/ADD. It is an area I have struggled with depending on circumstances.
These are things I would ask your H and see what he thinks about? He might be right if he has success at sales in the past but that doesn't mean he is well suited for it and wouldn't do better in another field of work.
He tried to blame this on my anxiety and the small living/working space, but he asked for the time to process it. (This made him unusually quiet, because he gets quiet for a bit when he's hurt.) Not everything is hurt if he is like me but I do need time to think and process and if someone is pushing for answers and their patients with me run out, this does cause me to get anxious. The problem with patience is that it is particular to each person. If your's runs out, that's arbitrary to him or the time he needs to process. That imposes a deadline on him not by his choosing or one he can even follow through on based on you and your ability to tolerate the processing itself. Something to keep in mind.
It could be what he is blaming on you that is a real source for his anxiety if this is true. Anxiety is closely related to patience for everyone. If living in a small space and close quarters is a contributing factor for him to be anxious....that's all on him. He needs to find outlets and better ways to manage this for himself, you cannot be held accountable for this. Him going outside of the apartment is him doing just that. You should understand this is something he needs to do to manage his anxiety and encourage this by not making this out to be something about you which it isn't.
The best thing for you is to ask him things related to his behavior from a caring and supportive role instead of first taking it personally. That will only ramp up his anxiety and do just the opposite of what you want for yourself. Look for the win/win in every situation and try and avoid the lose/lose for him at all costs. Lose/win might be a compromise but it still creates a competitive environment...... it's always better to accept you will not always get what you want going in which will always make you accepting and grateful for anything that you get no matter what you end up getting for yourself.
Win/win means you both voluntarily give into any issues up front and there is never a need to fight or argue..... but it does require you to give up something from the outset and do it willingly for the better good for everyone including yourself at the same time. Glass half full.....giving vs taking.....positive vs negative....optimism vs pessimism.
"The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you" wise words from one of my favorite quotes. (Bill Murray from Lost in Translation)
J
A mystery! The seen vs the unseen....
Submitted by c ur self on
What I want is to have no wont, so I want be upset about the wont's I can't have.....It works, but, I find it impossible to master in the fleshly realm....LOL....
talking too much
Submitted by Endeavour on
I really empathise with you. My partner and I have been together almost 30 years, but our problems only really surface when he stopped working and I was working from home. I hadn't realised beforehand just how much he talked. Interestingly a few of his former work colleagues have said things to me like "you could always find him at the photocopier or in the kitchen chatting to anyone that passed". No wonder he had to work late every night just to catch up on the stuff he hadn't done during the day! I tried to operate a boundary system, where I shut my office door when I really needed to concentrate. It didn't really work, he would just invent "crisis situations" which he had to discuss with me. On one occasion, he even telephoned me on the internal phone to ask me if I wanted a cup of coffee!. Afterwards, he did admit that the closed door was like a red rag to a bull.
I did not learn about adhd until 3 years ago, just after we moved abroad to "start a new life". One of the major unforeseen consequences of this is that my husband does not really have any friends around to talk to, so it is all directed at myself and the kids. Because of his poor memory, he often doesn't remember that he has already told us something, and repeats himself frequently. This is particularly irritating when he tells us something that we told him in the first place, but he has already forgotten that. I have tried being subtle - that never works. I have tried being blunt to the point of rudeness - that also doesn't work. The best strategy I have at the moment is to break him off mid-sentence and say "I've got something in the oven that needs turning" or "I've left the water running" or any other number of fibs which allow me to extricate myself from him without causing him to feel hurt and rejected.
Would really welcome any suggestions as to how to deal with this infuriating situation, especially in light of the fact that my husband doesn't accept he has adhd, although I think he does finally realise that he talks much more than other people and that it is perceived as being really annoying.
The Answer Is Getting Him to See It
Submitted by kellyj on
What you said about your H not accepting his ADHD is the main problem you are dealing with, but I also see you doing the compliment to this in your own efforts to deal with his ADHD on your end. The things you mentioned about cutting him off mid stream in a sentence (the fibs to extricate yourself)....not only would have caused me to feel hurt and even more rejected....it would have made me really angry. To the point in my past where if someone started doing this with me was the point where I began to walk away and not come back. I wouldn't say anything at that point and completely shut up. I was just simply done with someone who did this with me. That's how much that hurt and how rejected I felt if you are thinking it doesn't have this affect on your H.
It does sound like I was different in some ways to your husband perhaps in that I was always extremely aware of how other people reacted to me before I was diagnosed but my response to them was based on how anyone would respond if someone did what you are doing with your H....feel dismissed, disrespected and angry. How I would deal with this kind of anger was to internalize it and slam the door shut in the other person face but do it silently. It is really interesting to note here that you physically did the same thing with your H in an effort to keep him from doing what he does in response to the same thing. From my perspective...I see myself doing exactly what you are doing and the reasons for it on my end. I would probably have done the exact same thing so I do understand it looking at it from your end. I don't have the reactive anger that so many people with ADHD have but I still feel hurt and angry none the less. The way I always dealt with that in all cases was to say " fuck it"....I'm done. If my silence was not enough to get the other persons attention passive aggressively then I would go find someone else to annoy. lol It was my own version of what your H is doing but instead of following you around and looking for ways to come up with a way in (like the coffee example).....I would shut up completely and turn a cold shoulder to people who did this and I could keep this up indefinitely. I'm a master at wearing other people down and can do it better than anyone once I get into that mindset. In the past.....this is where I would get labeled asshole and rightfully so. It was passive aggressive as hell. lol I understand that you are feeling the same way too but for him. he's not getting which is coming first.....the cart or the horse? That's a big part of the problem but between the two of you.....what you are doing is more like throwing gas on the fire I think.
I think you are dead on about him not having other outlets to spread himself out and manage his ADHD better. Once I get feeling too couped up without other productive outlets....the tendency in my past was to do the same kind of thing your h is doing but the source of the problem is what I said to begin with....he's just not seeing it. I think you need to be more direct and focusing on getting him to that stage before you can hope for any change from him.
Once I was able to see these things in context and step back from my ADHD symptoms themselves is where everything started to improve...until that happened, nothing really changed aside from me finding a few different ways to manage my symptoms better but it was very slow and not nearly enough to make much of a difference. I hope that helps?
J
Coming Back to What I Said
Submitted by kellyj on
My wife and I just had a conversation (a good one) about fighting fair and saying hurtful things to each other in the moment. I have a tendency to go right for the jugular if I really get angry. I mentioned that I do not have the reactive anger that I see and hear in so many people. I tend not to talk a lot but when I do, I have to be really careful. I am very aware of the talking thing but I also learned to manage it in the past by not saying anything at all. This in itself is a problem along with being passive aggressive. The problem with being PA is that it doesn't tell the other person what you are feeling or what you are actually angry with them for.
I was going to say more here but I realized that there is something that might be more specific to me than others who have ADHD. It occurred to me after my conversation with my wife and something she said. She said she saw some wonderful qualities in me that she has not experienced with other men. I'll have to take her word on that...I don't have any experience being in this kind of relationship with other men. lol But I also know how I got to have these qualities and it does come from adversity in my past, especially from my childhood and the abuse from my father. It does seem these things can go in different directions for sure but I know for me, it all had to do with fear and pain. These two things are closely tied in my mind and I know for me what happened and the reasons why. I will make another post about fear and pain which is why I stopped this post because I think it is really what is at the bottom of all things that have to do with ADHD.
I can't speak for anyone else in this case therefore...I'll just make a separate post that will only refer to me in this case.
J
Thanks JJ
Submitted by Endeavour on
Thanks JJ for responding. I had naiively assumed that my H wasn't aware of my "fibs" as I also do quite often have to genuinely break him off mid-sentence to stop a crises developing (eg food burning, water overflowing, animal escaping etc). But having read your comments, I'm now wondering. You are quite right in that the real problem is the denial, so it is like the elephant in the room. And he does occasionally let down his guard and agree that it would be better if he could have passionate discussions with other like-minded people. But he can only ever see that with hindsight, never at the time. I guess that's impulsiveness. Anyhow, just wanted to say that the feedback is much appreciated.
Speaking Directly About the ADHD Symptoms
Submitted by kellyj on
I think is a good place to start at least to get him to see. Like I said, I was really aware of other peoples reactions to me but I still wasn't always sure why? Even if your H doesn't want to talk about his ADHD ( too overwhelming to deal with perhaps?) you might try making a deal with him about just the talking. I'm at the point that I'm actually listening for (looking for cues ) that tell me I've hit my time limit with them. I still can't always gage the amount I talk about things sometimes so I use the other person as my gage instead. The second I hear other people begin to interrupt or cut me off is the signal to stop. I've gotten pretty good at this but the main point here is to say that I don't take offense or feel that it's the other person who is being rude anymore and I it definitely does not hurt my feelings. The things is, I am already looking for the cues in the first place so at the very first sign I can stop immediately before it goes too far. It's enough that I found that most people in general don't even give it a second thought if I do this on my own and it pretty much solves the problem.
It you told your H that it really bugs you when he carries on like he does so could you PLEEEESE! ( I beg you ) just allow me to interrupt you when I hit my limit on just this one thing and not make a big deal about it ( not be hurt or offended ). Jus give me something here! I think if you could not be annoyed or irritated when you do this and just make it a matter of fact kind of reminder he might respond to it. Like I said....I was not always aware of just what people were annoyed about....thinking..."was it something I said?" In what we are talking about, it was never what I was saying (the topic)....only too much. I would have welcomed a few constructive hints instead of the alternative. This is what I was saying about not being able to see it. (just one example)
Also...I've found with my wife (who is very touchy about ANY criticism constructive or not)....the best time to do this is NOT in the moment when she is doing something. I will wait until later or the next day to bring it up when she is in a good mood and then ask her things nicely then. This has proven to work pretty well. If self esteem is the issue.....the worst time to talk about self esteem issues is when the other person is having a self esteem attack which is also when the problems are actually taking place. Timing is everything as they say:)