Submitted by Sunsetpeace on 11/07/2021.
I have depression and anxiety that I'm seeking treatment for. My husband has add. We are older adults with grown children. I'm looking for hope out there that a marriage can survive this and how.
I have depression and anxiety that I'm seeking treatment for. My husband has add. We are older adults with grown children. I'm looking for hope out there that a marriage can survive this and how.
Support for the ADHD Partner
Submitted by forfolk on
I'm following this. I have been seeing a therapist re depression and anxiety which seems to be exacerbated by my partner's ADHD-derived delaying and sidestepping meaningful interactions regarding important issues such as where we will be living, financial agreements, and some extremely long-term renovations on his house. I've just come from a discussion with my partner in which he's said the therapy I'm getting doesn't seem to suffice --- he seems to feel I need different therapy as a prerequisite to any progress between us as a couple. I'm feeling kind of alone in seeking "sufficient" therapy, and frustrated that it's a new obstacle among all the others I don't really understand that are preventing us from moving forward as a couple.
I've found it takes acceptance and boundaries...
Submitted by c ur self on
We all want the miracle of change...We all want the ability to calmly communicate our common sense feelings about certain behaviors that are intrusive, abusive or at a minimum putting up road blocks to commonality...That is what add does in relationships where one has it, and one does not, it also effects relationship even if both have it.... Add is the difference....Of course every bad thought, feeling or behaviors isn't add produced.....
So try not to think for each other, and try to set boundaries to protect both of you...Accept the reality of those difference's, and try to manage emotions...Things like anger, denial, and blame just stops any ability to be constructive...
Blessings
c
Thank you. Really helps.
Submitted by Sunsetpeace on
Thank you. Really helps.
May I ask what types of
Submitted by Sunsetpeace on
May I ask what types of boundaries you set?
Hi, Sunset....
Submitted by c ur self on
When it comes to boundaries I suggest you read the book entitled Boundaries...By Dr's cloud and Townsend, if you haven't already...Also the book "Safe People" same Author, is very good....After years of conflict and anger, anxiety etc, I realized I had to leave, or do something....I prayed a lot!, and God has opened my eye's and delivered me from anger, and bitterness....
But it eventually comes down to "What is possible for us two to abide in the same space as peaceably as possible, if at all".....
So I started trying to be the fly on the wall (disconnect emotionally as best as possible) and just decide what was possible when it comes to sharing and engaging her, and what was guaranteed to be a very high percentage of guaranteed conflict....I also KNEW the things I was doing wrong (anger, bitterness, trying to fix her, pointing out her irresponsible way of thinking and living, etc).....And I just went from there with the goal being: "Both being responsible for our own deals, and allowing that to happen, or not, in our own lives, w/o my input or mothering, pointing out, etc....Give her the space to choose her own paths, no matter how much I wanted to step in and save her from herself....
So my boundaries are things like...1) Accept her reality, no matter how much it differs from my thinking and living. (it's respect, the same thing I want)....Eliminate area's of sharing in this life where her controlling spirit, (or mine) only produces conflict....2) We do not share finance's, accounts, bank cards, she cuts me a check for her half of the common bills, not always on time, but there is effort there. 3) We do not do taxes together, we file married, and separate. She is a last minute person, who is always late....I am not, it only produced anxiety in me...I am usually done a month or more before the dead line, usually get money back...It's an all day last minute drama for her, and she usually pays several thousand....It's just who she is! 4) The life priorities she lives out is: thrill seeking, good times, running behind grown children, spending time with grand children, her sisters etc....All good things to a point, and we do share this time often....It's just that she lets most everything else go....Her lived out things in our home is TV shows, quick snacks, micro wave meals, little to no concern for my likes, and highly messy w/ hoarding tendencies, can't throw much away in the garbage..I like a clean orderly environment, but, I respect her right to be messy...I do not clean or pick up behind her....If she leaves both sides of the bathroom counter a mess. I just place the items on my side on her messy side...If her dirty panties are in the middle of the floor, I just kick them out of the way....Same in the kitchen, I'm a hand dishwasher, so any thing she leaves on the counter, I put in a pile in order to keep me one counter free of clutter...Same on the table, she cover's it, I place everything in a pile on her half..:)...She will eventually (most times) pick up her messes, if I discipline my self to leave them alone....Our bedroom the same, her side is just bin's, and piles of clothes w/ a trail she uses to get in bed, her dresser is covered, drawers stuff w/ stuff she hasn't touched in years...Mine side orderly and clean...She carries a lot of shame for her messy way's and works very hard to hide it when company or adult children or coming...It's hard to feel sorry for her, when she has no convictions for the way she lives when it just her and me...But, I do, and pray for her...She has gotten some better over the past few years....We married when she was 46, and I was 51...She had never been married, and I was a widower (30 year marriage)....One of the biggest challenges is her outbursts, they just happen at times, it's taken me years to ignore them, and not fire back! Not prefect at this one...But when I am able to walk away...She isn't long pursuing me w/ an apology (most times:)...Sex has been ok, she is just negative, and wants to control it, so I placed a boundary on myself to not be turned down by her, or if I do approach her, and get an excuse or a "maybe tomorrow", I just don't mention it again...I've never pushed her away in 13 years...
The way her add mind works is: ...She will use you up if you spoil her in anyway, (rarely a spirit of thankfulness, but, a spirit of entitlement, and expectation) She hardly ever follow's through w/ her promises to me...But never forgets if I say I'm going to do anything for her....
Everyone loves her, my daughters love her, grands love her, her friends, etc.....But my our grown children understand the challenges (best on lookers can) our marriage faces w/ her mind and life style....All of our children love us, and just want to see us happy!...So it falls on us, to place boundaries on ourselves to handle our emotions, not loose site of our own lives (no matter what he or she does)....Self absorbed minds is trait of add, it must be recognized and accepted, in order to deal with it constructively, and not allow the reality of our difference's to be overwhelming and destructive....Once we come to peace with the reality of it all, we can start clearly seeing what we can't take part in, or engage in, so both can have the peaceful lives we long for and desire....If we excuse or demand (in our actions) that we are going to have a NORMAL marriage....It will only be a life filled with chaos and dysfunction, anger, bitterness....Because your not dealing with what most human's would label NORMAL....But, we can make it as good as possible, with faith, hope and love!....And wisdom!
Blessings to you!
c
Anger and depression....
Submitted by c ur self on
My anxiety was terrible until I stopped expected her to be different....Stopped mothering her....Set boundaries that forced accountability...Learned that mess would not kill me...Stopped trying to fix or think for her....I can leave, or I can do the above...
c
Thank you for reaching out to
Submitted by Sunsetpeace on
Thank you for reaching out to help.