Submitted by kathy6521 on 09/13/2014.
I have had a terrible cold for the last week. I come home from work and collapse, sleep until 10, and go to bed. Its all I can do to go to work. I go to work because I am going to have a hysterectomy in 2 or 3 weeks, scheduled next week and want to have all the sick leave for that. My house is destroyed! If I can't count on him to help out when I am sick, what is going to happen when I'm down for 6 weeks? This all comes two weeks after having the talk about really needing him to step up for me and he wholeheartedly agreed. For me, this is really one of the last nails in the coffin.
I hope you get to feeling better!
Submitted by c ur self on
I suggest you take care of yourself, focus on getting well....Wade through it, act like you could careless even if it's killing you....Without accountability, who grows? The best medicine for him is to see you ignoring it....If you try to get up and do it sick, based on this post he will let you...And just more resentment....Take care Kathy....
Kathy, c ur self is right
Submitted by Standing on
Now is the time to focus on taking the very best care of yourself. I have read that some husbands are excellent at being nursemaid, but when I am actually down and out, I've not found that to be true. What I HAVE found is that when he's hyperfocused on me, then I get some of his most thoughtful, considerate treatment (like hot cloths on my forehead for a headache and foot rubs), These caring acts do seem to be based more on something internal within my husband, but what I am learning is - that fact, which seems to be inherent to his version of add or whatever, does not make them any less meaningful or loving. In other words, he does what he "can" do. None of which is gonna make you feel any better right now, but maybe this will -
how about you go to those who are better able to see the need - friends, family, even us here on the board - for some ideas on how you can take care of yourself. Maybe you don't need that sort of help, but at one time especially, I surely did! Vitamin C, chicken soup, whatever it is you settle on for right now - maybe ask him to get it for you. The house stuff - - i think you've got to let it ride. Getting all worked up about it now is not gonna get you better any faster.
I know EXACTLY what you're saying about having had a serious talk with him about stepping up and how it feels when he wholeheartedly agreed and now - this. The trouble is, "stepping up" is too vague, too general, too overwhelming, I bet. Must be specific, individual tasks, one at a time, requested without criticism. Maddening, I know. Utterly and completely. However, it has become less so since I have had a chance to release alot of my own expectations and learn to speak up directly about what it is I really, actually need right now this minute. And take one day at a time.
Best wishes from my heart to yours!!
thanks guys,
Submitted by kathy6521 on
I've tried spelling things out, small steps, working with his add for so long. I've made so many sacrifices and exceptions for him for years. I've tried, I really have. But everytime I need a man, I get a child and if I have to write everything out in crayon, what is the point? He knows I would like the dishes done, the trash emptied and just pick up after himself. That's all, I know better than to ask for more. But those are even too much. He comes home from work and it's all about the tv. I barely exist. And no matter what I say, he will forget. I can write it down too, same thing. He just makes absolutely no effort, unless I yell, and I'm done with that.
I guess it's just part of their make up?
Submitted by c ur self on
When this came up at the counselor's I noticed my wife was loving the list idea when the counselor mentioned it...He asked me "what do you want your wife to do?..I said; just get up and share in our day to day responsibilities, just do the things that she sees needs done...How hard is it to see that the bathroom, floors and carpets need some attention? Well, evidently it's pretty hard for some people...I've watched her, she could careless how messy this place gets, she loves a mess...Until! someone is coming over and she would feel ashamed of the mess, so then she wants to kill us...(I've set that boundary)...Anyway, So, I made the list of shared responsibilities, and of course I told her she could change anything on it that didn't suit her, (she likes to feel in control) (don't we all :)) so she scratched out some stuff, and made a few changes... The list stuff, never made it past the editing stage...Of course, I new that when I made it...lol.
right?
Submitted by kathy6521 on
Apparently I am the only one who can see dishes in the sink, towels on the floor, etc. I've made list after list, even let him choose what he can do. The only headway we ever made is that he hates dusting the furniture. Great, I'll do that if he vacuums for me once in a while, particularly when my fibromyalgia is acting up. Does this happen? About once every 6 months. And he thinks I'm silly for cleaning when we have company. I have had to relax my standards of cleanliness but I can only take so much before I just want to scream in disgust.