So as most of you know - I have been trying to "act from love" for the past few months, in response to my husband really stepping things up around the house, and for my OWN well being as i would rather always act from love than not.
Since he has quit his job, he has fallen back into not following through, not doing his part in the house etc. its 10-15 minutes of getting things done around the house, and then outside for a 20-30 minute break on the back deck chain smoking and looking at his phone. Its always me having to ask him to get things done that he is supposed to just do (as agreed), and then it an almost constant "I plan on getting it done", and yet... a week or THREE later the thing still wasnt done. I am trying to be patient and let him find his routine again - but its been a month since he left his previous job. I dont like having to nag, and refuse to do so as I will not be drawn into his self sabatoge. But it sure is causing my respect level to start to drop off again. I thought the progress he made on his own FOR himself was real - and now i am starting to doubt it. I know several of you warned me that it was a trick - manipulation to keep me from kicking him out (letting him stay longer). I dont want to believe that - I really dont.
I guess I just needed to vent a little. I hope he figures out what ever it was he figured out before. The sad thing is - if he just got his "chores" done in the morning, it would take 2 hours max, and then he could work on house projects or his hobby projects for the rest of the day. But he like to procrastinate until the last minute, and I swear if I didnt ask him to take care of something 100 times it would not get done. its frustrating to me because I hate living in a house with gunk on the counters, dirty dishes EVERYWHERE - not just the sink, 1000000 dr pepper cans everywhere... And when he was working, I was able to keep up on the mess. LOL Now that he is home, there is a hell of alot more mess to deal with. I will say this though - he has not given me any attitude, and has actually been spending his "own" money on things too - so its not like it was before. I just dread it getting worse..... I still dont know what his plans are - so keeping mine in tact unless I am convinced to change them for some reason.
He does seem more relaxed and happy though- and that is a good thing. I just hope he gets this lazyness under control again and good LORD he eats horribly. If I ate like that I doubt I would be able to even function at all beyond breathing. He hasnt figured out the connection between what he eats and how he feels yet.... He just doesnt have the self control to even go a month with eating a LITTLE bit better to see the difference. Sad really.
I still act from love, because I do love him. But I am certainly becoming more and more confident at how good my life is bettering every day because I am taking care of myself and not focusing on him. Being able to do this with NO regrets is what saves me.
Acceptance of what we can't do anything about.....
Submitted by c ur self on
(I am taking care of myself and not focusing on him. Being able to do this with NO regrets is what saves me.)
For me Stacy, this is the key to being able to limit the impact on our mental and physical selves, when we coexist with an irresponsible spouse....I admire you, because I KNOW how easy it can be, to slide into that mothering and fixing mindset...
When you talk about seeing progress after some kind of session or argument... then the dropping off again...I understand that also...I've found it just don't pay to get my hopes up or get comfortable thinking things have changed...Because when the up's and downs kick back in, I'm the one who is mentally and emotionally effected...Not them!
It reminds me of an old car w/ trash in the gas tank...It may pick up run fine for a few days, but, then the fuel pump grabs some trash, and spittin' and sputtering and dying starts, then it will work through and start again...It's a cycle....
Thank C - your encouragement
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Thank C - your encouragement is always a day booster! :-)
Yeah, that stupid cycle.. its a cycle of trickery. And I am tired and done with the trickery. I am ready to find joy and happiness. I see people all the time with loving spouses who treat them with respect and love. I have *HAD* that in my life. So I know full well what I am missing. I used to think it was OK because we were working on "getting there"... but I have come to realize that the only one working towards that end was me, and he was working on biding his time until he was comfortable with leaving - working on meeting his imediate needs with no thought to the harm he was causing our marriage or me. Doesnt matter the reasoning - the excuses dont change the outcome. And now that I have processed that as much as I can (being in the current situation I am in) I have realized that *I* *WANT* *MORE*. Yes. ME. I want more in my life than someone barely being able to show compassion to me because *THEY* are uncomfortable. I want more than someone living in the same space as me and saying that is spending time with me. I want someone who will hold me, who will touch me when they walk by me instead of make sure there is 15ft between us at all times - sometimes even having to awkwardly run in a circle around the room to prevent being "too close". I want someone to WANT to touch me, sit next to me, look at me, and express love to me in what ever form they like. And since he has no interest in any of that - *with me* - so be it. I am OK with that. Now its just waiting for things to be done so I can move forward and he can go back to how he wants to live life, with no responsibilities, no expectations on him, nothing. He will no doubt have a girlfriend pretty quick after he leaves here, because he always thinks he wants to be alone, but he really doesn't. I plan on insulating myself from him in every way I can. I plan on building my life with out his influence and without his presence. Even though it hurts right now to do it - I know that I have done all that I have humanly been able to do while he puts in the minimum to keep me baited on the hook with no intentions of reeling me in.
I think thats what hurts the most.... all the time he wasted with me, all the effort I went through while he had ZERO intention of following through. Its like its one big game to him. Its sad really, and I feel sorry for him. In the end, he probably will never know what he lost because he doesnt know what he had. In the end, I cant imagine what he will think or feel. I just know that I plan on living my life so full or love and adventure that all the hurt will fade in to the distant past, and he will just be someone I thought I knew once.
I wish it wasnt the case, I wish things could change. I still act from love. I still tell him I love him and treat him with love because its the truth. I still made decisions to benefit him because of that love and that determination to act from love - regardless. In the end, I have to be OK with myself, and doing anything less would make me feel regret and shame. I still stand by him since he is my husband, regardless of how little value or commitment he has for our marriage. I keep my vows because my honor and character are everything, even if those things mean nothing to him. He likes to have the appearance of those things, but he doesnt have the fortitude to back them up.
I have just accepted that he doesnt have what it takes to function as a grown man in a grown up relationship- according to him. I am choosing to take him at his word. And thats what I want, a grown man in a grown up relationship. That acceptance has released me from the painful struggle of carrying the load for both of us. I have cut the straps to the harness that keeps me tied to him. All thats left is this small tether that will release when he leaves our home, and I will forever be free of it. Sure - I will mourn who I believed him to be, but I wont mourn that constant trickery, the lies, the talk and no action and that horrible, stupid, ridiculous childish cycle. I wont mourn the mask he chose instead of me.
I do have to note that he
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I do have to note that he DOES express love to me in the only way he is willing - through acts of service. I accept that and embrace that for what it is, and I appreciate it very much. However, its not my love language - its his. And while I do what I can to show him love in his "language" he makes no effort to show my love in my languages - words of affirmation and physical touch. I do get 1 hug a day at night - which I cherish, and he does tell me he loves me when he leaves or hangs up the phone. Again- I cherish both of those, but they are the routine, they are the habits. I do appreciate them, though sometimes because it is the habit or routine, it feels automated... I hope that makes sense.
Stacey You Hit on Something Here
Submitted by kellyj on
That is so timely and relevant to what I am experiencing with my wife as well?
My wife and I have been getting along better than we have in our entire relationship together because I have been hitting the bullsseye with her an apparently "speaking her Love language"? This ironically was brought out in our T's office only yesterday...when my wife started in with telling our T some positive things about me and what I have been doing lately? As he stopped her and pointed out to me ( looking at me while he was responding to her ) saying....."acts of service" was the very thing she was telling him more words as the things that are really making the difference for her?
mmmmmmm?????
Act's of service huh? Ironic isn't it? As you said this was not your Love language which is not mine either? Mine is more like you described....so acts of service never really crossed my mind as what she really wanted from me? I've been trying to go the same route you would like as if....it were the same as I would too? Trying to be close, affectionate and more intimate in what I think..."intimate is?".
She also admitted to him ( first time I've heard directly speaking ) that she has in the past...and still to this day.....has a had a lack of interest in sex for the most part and I have to say...there is an aspect of sex with my wife...that feels very uncomfortable and as she says....she has to spend a lot of time "getting ready" which is not about fore play...but about her trying to get in ..for lack of a better word......"frame of mind" or...."into that state of mind" as the only way I can describe it? She wants to....but there appears to be some kind of mental ritual she has to go through...just to get there which I have never experienced before with anh other woman I have been with intimately? There is absolutely no spontaneity involved what so ever. In fact....there is no "spontaneity" about my wife what so ever in anything? If things aren't planned to death way in advance....there is no getting her to stray from her plan.....like she is a mono-rail...riding on a steel track with one direction only? If things that don't exist on that track or rail....getting her to "jump track"...is a difficult task to maneuver? For her....spontaneity at best...is saying...."lets go out tonight and do something fun".....2 hours before we get there? And even that is pushing it?
I on the other hand? Mr Impulsive as you know? Can divert myself to anything "fun" ( including sex ) in a heart beat? Even sooner sometimes! LOL Saying "Jack Robinson"....would mean I would already be in the car with the motor running by then? LOL
Just a thought or a possible clue here for you whether this is even an option for you at this time? If he is giving you "acts of service" as the way he expresses his Love?
I don't know.....but if you do the math....1 + 1 = 2......in my mind? Just a thought?
J
J - yep, I know he loves me
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
J - yep, I know he loves me - in his own way. In fact, I think he loves me far more than HE thinks he loves me. But it doesnt matter. Because once he decides something is a certain way, it wouldnt matter what the consiquence. He refuses to change his mind or stance. Doesnt matter how true or real either. Because once he makes his mind up, EVEN WHEN HE KNOWS HE IS WRONG - if he changes that opinion - he thinks he is being controlled. Its absolutely stupid. And he can keep it.
In the end - I can only be who I am, and I refuse to not be anything but genuine at this point in my life. I dont fear others, I dont fear compromise, I dont fear keeping my honor and word because I might think the work in keeping it is hard.
If your wife is responding to you acting in love in her love language, keep that shit up dude! Thats the path to falling back in love with eachother. I believe that conflict can be resolved if you first build that love, and the only way to build that love is to ACT with love. Period. You are showing her love in a way that is most comfortable and easiest for her to accept and believe. Hopefully she will work to express love in a way that meets YOUR needs as that kindness and compassion builds up. If my husband took steps to indicate he wanted to actually work on things, I would have all the patience in the world with him as he worked through his own issues to create a romantic loving relationship with me. Honestly - how we are now is comfortable and fun. We have lovely talks, and enjoy eating together and watching movies and our favorite shows. We have fun talking about our hobby and planning for our big vacation coming up in march. The reality is - we have a ton to work with - we agree on politics, religion, money, movies, most music, what is important in life, hobbies (we share the same hobby and both love it), even decorating tastes. But he says because he was abused as a child he cannot be a good husband to me - ie - cannot give me romantic/sexual love/attention because he is at the stage in his healing that its repulsive to him. As if that is all there is to marriage... The problem with him is that he is in denial, not denial that these things happened to him, or denial about where he is about it - but in denial that he can DO anything about it. He is wrong - but like I said above, once he sets his mind to something - doesnt matter what reality is or truth is - he has to ride on that even if it means destruction of himself. This way of life has gotten him NO where. This fear of everyone controlling him (because he was controlled by a predator as a child) has wrecked his life and only allowed him surface level friendships. Oh he has life long friends, but the water isnt deep if you get my drift. They are *never* there for him, he doesnt share with him his deepest thoughts,dreams and nightmares... but he doesnt see that. I do, his mother does, and its just sad. But you know what? If that is what he wants? Shallow, surface level relationships and live his life essentially alone - he is more than welcome to do that. Its not what I want. I want more. Its why I have sacrificed so much to create something more for the both of us. But in the end, his part never materialized. Again - he left me alone, in the deepest darkest place imaginable all because he couldnt hack it. It was too uncomfortable. I accept it. I understand it. But I also will not live my life with someone who is only there for me when times are good. Regardless of how many glasses of water they bring me.
Sometimes I dont get it either J - but I know my husband doesnt come from a place of emotional maturity or strength of character. He was prevented as a child from growing past those selfish years where you learn how to function in relationships. That was stolen from him. I dont blame him, and I dont hate him - but I do hold him accountable for the decisions he makes in our relationship. He likes to say he feels controlled and that he wants to do what he wants. Doesnt sound very grown up to me, so I dont look at him that way and it helps. I wish things could change, I wish this wasnt the path he was on. I wish he had the fortitude and vision to see past "today" and "I feel at this moment". It would change his life for the better.
Man - I am just so rambly! Been a rough day in some ways i suppose. Resetting and remembering where and what things really are sometimes is painful.
It's Trust Stacey
Submitted by kellyj on
Not a distrust of you...but a distrust of himself? It can be a downward spiral if you don't do something to stop it? Success at anything can bring you around if that is what he needs? Literally speaking....my wife in our T's office yesterday...had this burning question that she wanted to ask of him? And her question was....."should I stay with ( me ) or should I leave? I don;t want to lead him on and give him hope or play with his emotions if I shouldn't be with him?"
I was smiling when she asked him that because I knew what he would say?
"I don't take on the responsibility for telling people what they should do. I only help couples get along better and teach them how to do it? Besides....it's really none of my business anyway, and not my place to tell people what they should do? For those who need that kind of counseling....they can find ones who will do that and usually those who come in wanting that from me...will move on and find a therapist that will?"
It's what I Love about my T. He has such a way with words. LOL
J
I really don't like the concept of Love Language's....
Submitted by c ur self on
I like all 5, if you remove one completely you will see how important it was...P. touch w/ no communication and affirmations mixed in (In my opinion the mix makes Romance) will leave you unfulfilled to a degree...As for as a man, any man, not wanting lot's of touching and loving making...Well that's beyond me...I really can't comprehend that based on how I'm wired...I know it exists, I've heard women say it, but, I'm lost there.....
C
C - I dont think you ever
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
C - I dont think you ever remove all 5, its not like you ONLY show love in one or two ways, but for sure, there are differences in how people percieve love. My husband's way of showing love to me is getting me a glass of water. To him - this is the only way he is capable of showing love. For me, I just see that as a kindness - but for him - its his way of saying "I love you". Its also the way he feels love. So when I get him a glass of water, he feels loved because its how he expresses it. It truly does exist. Its scary accurate too. And its why I work hard to do the little things that to him indicate love. I just wish he reciprocated. For him - expression of love through words is uncomfortable and awkward, to express love through physical touch is almost impossible - touch to him is cheap or abusive (because of his past) and not at all associated with love. I have worked hard to adapt to his love language, he has not worked at all to adapt to mine. If he had - I would proably have very different things to talk about in this forum. Having that expression of love would pretty much overwrite 99% of my frustrations. From my perspective, I dont get that love, I dont get the committement - so why should I continue dealing with the angers and frustrations when he has NO intention of ever meeting my emotional needs by learning to communicate with me in my own love language?
You cant comprehend it - I could not either. But its true. And my husband is a shining example of a man who doesnt want sex or touching - even non sexual touching. I am the opposite - I crave it and wish for it. I want it from him - as he is the man I love with all my heart. But he has stated he doesnt want that, and has no intention of working through his own issues to even take a chance at meeting my needs. He flat out refuses me. Essentially - he has abandoned me as a spouse, and at this point, I could easily walk into any court and get an at fault divorce for emotional abuse and physical neglect. Sad right? I have worked my ass off to meet his needs, to adapt to him, and he barely acknowledges that I even HAVE needs, and when I am at the bottom of my hole, in my darkest times - he walks away and leaves me there since he doesnt have what it takes to stand by my side and face the storm. He cant hack it. I want to be with someone who can and who has the guts to at least try. he likes to say he tried - but last time he said that to me I asked him to name the book - ANY book - ANY PARAGRAPH OR CHAPTER he read from all the books he requested me purchase for him, any of the stuff he did on his own to work through his issues. And he couldnt. And that for me sealed the deal. He doesnt want to bother - so I wont either. I am acting from love because its who I am and the commitement I made to him. I honor it, because I am honorable.
LOL well that turned into a giant vent didnt it? :-D
Stacy...
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm a firm believer that our pasts will haunts us...(baggage) If we don't see it for what it was, (Sin, and abuse at time) and learn to not link it with the beauty and wonder's of God's great gifts that are to be enjoyed in a marital relationship that he blesses and he honors because it's lived out in Obedience to his words...It's sad when people just quit on life, because it easy for them....
Just my opinion....
C
C - you nailed it. My
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
C - you nailed it. My husband has quit on me and quit on our marriage because its the easier path to walk away from all his vows, commitments, responsibilities. He used to brag about how he always found the path of least resistance. I guess he didnt realize how much that weakens a person and undercuts their potential. I think he truly believes that if something is hard, and had to be worked for that its wrong or not meant to be. I truly believe he thinks that love and marriage should just magically work and that you should always "feel in love".... What a sad disappointment life has to have been for him. He has missed out and will continue to miss out on all the really good stuff. It really is sad C. So very very sad. Its like watching a person just fade into nothing. He doesn't see it that way of course, because he has no ability to see outside his own bubble. If he did - I think he would have an easier time in getting out of his hole. But he wont look up at the way out even when its lit up like Times Square.
I cant live in the hole anymore - I want so much more out of life. I am ready and willing to put the work in for it - because it doesn't matter WHO you are, life is work if you want anything out of it.
My H would agree, C...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
What you say about P. touch is so very true. My H is awkward with "naturally" hugging, touching, a heart felt comment or look. Making eye contact is very disconcerting for him. Personal exchange of information is not received/given with warmth or affection."Romance" to him is "porn" sex....and I am NOT saying this to make him sound terrible. It is WHAT he truly believes sex is. The realization of the emotional dysfunction impact of his upbringing has been a huge eye opener to me. ( He does not believe it has affected himself as much as he sees in his siblings.....he needs to re think that.) His love language is also to"buy" something. And to DO some long needed repair. I know he felt his own father was lacking as a spouse AND father. The bar he set was so low...a snake could have crawled over it. It wouldn't take much to do better...and that is where my H looked to feel good about himself....to do just a little better than his dad....and he did where our girls were concerned. But where I was concerned......I could see a repeat of his dad's behavior starting to emerge.
My husband cannot say to my face that he loves me.....without looking away or down. He can joke.....but he cannot have a sincere conversation. I now know the "emptiness" I couldn't explain was his not receiving my affection.....nor giving me any back. This is a very very sad situation. It makes me sad that over 40 years of my "loving" him did not "reach?" him. Instead....I accepted his "language"...no touch, no talk, no eye contact with sincerity. A marriage with no expressions of happy from him except for a moment with a "new" acquisition and then....stoic.....until another acquired item. Obviously he has MANY endearing qualities....and I believe that is why I didn't "see" the absolute lack of affection with him. However, my enthusiasm for sex was slowly waning. Why was that? I think I resented how he was interested in me for that and yet the rest of our time .....not so much. I found myself feeling...used. How is it I was terribly sick....and he couldn't take"care" of me or the kids but when I was better......how bout a little fun?.Again, I am sure that my H's behavior is directly related to not being raised to know what affection, touch, sincerity,communication.....LOVE... actually IS. He is NOT a jerk or idiot......but hoping this 67 year old man might "see" the real possibility that he needs professional help is not going to happen. He cannot/will not talk about what he FEELS. I cannot help my H and while it is heart breaking I will not go down with his ship.
You have not taken your marriage vows lightly. May God help us both ......to accept those things we cannot change.....and MOVE FORWARD and ONWARD,,,,to the life HE gave us.....and to enjoy it ABUNDANTLY. Our spouses lives are in HIS hands.....not ours.
Good Morning Zapp!
Submitted by c ur self on
HI Zapp..While reading your post, the honesty and truthfulness of it, paints such a clear picture of what happens in a marriage where one or both parties are unable to be free (in mind) to love in an Naked and Unashamed way in the union....
This type mind trap can also be a reality for other major concepts of exchange..(communication; finance; faith; etc..etc..) but, nothing in my opinion is quiet as devastating to me than the refusal or inability to give one's body lovingly and freely...It is a most glorious thing; created and sanctified by God, to allow us fulfillment and satisfaction of the passion and desires (that God also put in us) of being human...Bearing the cross of loneliness in this area can't be expressed with words in my opinion...many tears, much heart damage..
Many of us deal w/ these deformities in ourselves, and in our mates daily...I imagine you probably have, like myself, many times when confronted (by your own heart or others) to explain, the effects of this reality on your person;..."Just sigh"...because I can't do in words what only the deep dark places of our most inward emotions can understand....
I've found in my life; i add to my problems when I give to much focus to..."what could be"...(not reality)...I think to many times I've lost my thankfulness concerning God's love for me, because I get so focused on needed change in the union vs accepting the reality of it all...I don't know what my earthly future holds, nor would I try to convince you to continue in this place of unrest...I've often said, I should be able to make life decisions without emotion and completely at ease...Based solely on the reality of the circumstances...If I do that, their will be no excuses for me and hopefully any regrets will be limited...
Just let me say to you; I could never understand the depths of your love for your husband, a faithful partner, through all the trails of life...There is a unseen power in you, that isn't a product of the created; but; of the creator!
I so admire you faithfulness....
"Give all, to get all"...There is something greater than this life!
blessings
C