I'm just here to vent; I know people on this forum understand the challenges of living with (or no longer living with) a person with ADHD, and I appreciate that very much.
It is taking me a long time to deal with the effects of my ex-husband's difficulty finishing things he started. Today's episode: I hired someone to remove and dispose of several large boards and pieces of lumber from a treehouse that ex built for our daughters several years ago. He eventually disassembled the treehouse but then left all the pieces sitting out in the backyard. I threw away the pieces that I could handle and that fit into the garbage can but some were too big. I'm aggravated that ex left the stuff out in the yard and didn't dispose of it himself. He might have thought he would reuse the boards. He definitely would think I'm wasting money by hiring someone to get rid of the stuff.
That's all.
That is aggravating for sure.
Submitted by Libby on
That is aggravating for sure. My DH's mantra is "later I will do it later" as far as jobs like that. And then there is the hoarding issue. Again that is about later as in I may use it later.
Maybe to give you some perspective it wou.d help you to know that My MIL who I'm sure has ADD has a semi truck reefer full of bits of wood. At least you only have a small amount.
That does help give
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
That does help give perspective, Libby. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure my ex's dad has hoarding tendencies as well. He's also very cheap. But he's much more focused on tidiness than is my ex. So now that they're living together, I think the contrast causes a lot of conflict.
oh yes-the saving of useless
Submitted by dvance on
oh yes-the saving of useless stuff. my DH does that too. in fact I pay $200 a month for a storage locker that is packed to the gills with junk. his closet is packed. his dresser drawers are packed. his car is packed. so much crap. like others on here-some of the crap is materials from hobbies that were begun with great gusto, every single possible supply purchased, then abandoned in a week. some of the crap is things that broke and yet cannot be thrown out because they may be able to be fixed or the pieces and parts may be of use at some point. clothes that don't fit cannot be donated, shoes that are trashed cannot be tossed. it really is mind boggling. I have no explanation, only sympathy.
Yes to the useless stuff. My
Submitted by Libby on
Yes to the useless stuff. My MIL has a nice attached garage. She can not park in it as it is stuffed full of empty cardboard boxes. I have asked her why and she says it's hard to find good cardboard boxes. When she finds one she keeps it. I don't get it at all....
The boxes
Submitted by adhd32 on
H used to save all the boxes from everything he bought in case "something happened" to the new item and he would have to send it back. Nothing happened to anything and all the boxes collected in the attic. A friend of mine had a house fire and the insurance adjuster told her that cardboard boxes are the worst things to use for storage and worse yet when piled up because they make excellent fuel and typically make fires more intense. So one day I went up to the attic and broke down all the boxes and put them out for recycling. I didn't care, I was not living with the fire trap in the attic of my 100 year old home.
H has never ever return anything that broke either. He cannot bother to pack the item and go to the post office to ship it. He just stores broken items in case he needs parts but can never find his stored item or forgets about it.. Now when I come across some old broken thing I bury it in the trash. I just don't get it.
This thread has given some smiles and chuckles;)
Submitted by c ur self on
Living w/ the same reality as you ladies, makes me extra sensitive to your predicaments....If I was your neighbor friend I would help you out....Of course I probably couldn't without making your husbands mad at me...Except for Poison Ivey...I could have climbed on her house and blown off her roof and gutters and moved or burnt the old wood and saved her some cash....Without worrying about a mad hoarding husband..:)
I'm doing my best to accept that she can't do any different, plus it's her choice to make...All I try to do is enforce a few boundaries about trip hazards (she can't put anything on my side of the bedroom LOL..I use to let this type of stuff effect the way I viewed my wife, whether I want to admit it or not....That wasn't and isn't fair, I need to view her with a heart of love; period!
I am seeing marriage very clearly these days....1) The vow things, the things to me that are not choices, but, promises I made to God and my wife. 2) Respecting differences....It's that simple... Of course we may have to insert boundaries if one or both want respect each others differences....
I ran across something I saved from someone's post a few years ago...About narcissism and borderline personality, it was eye opening...It fits my wife's attitude to a tee...I'm copying and pasting it here....
The best explanation I've read for this bizarre level of competitiveness, mimicry, and controlling behavior is in a book titled How to stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist Personality. I highly recommend it as a resource to those who have found themselves seemingly stuck in a caretaking versus a caring position. It says that the most important and vital rule of the disordered personality is: You MUST think, act, and feel just exactly like him or her. The disordered person so thoroughly is convinced that this unassailable rule must apply that he sees it as the only way he can survive. There is nothing optional about it. What happens to the caretaker? Her or his individual identity is annihilated. You are literally not allowed to exist as a unique, separate person; you must be destroyed and completely absorbed into the enmeshment.
This statement every part of it, is so my wife...This is exactly why I have put some many boundaries in place...exactly!
The only thing I would add about her is, I'm not sure if she is fully aware that she does all of this...My wife is in such denial about most things (behaviors) I might not call it an "intentional rule" to live by, but, this describes her to a tee never the less....
c
My ex loves getting on the
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex loves getting on the roof, and if he planned to visit while our children are here this week and offered to get up there, I'd let him.
But our daughters and I lost the "Who Gets to be the Family of an Unemployed Middle-Aged Man" competition. (Two reasons: our expectations that he be a dad and a husband were unreasonable; and his father is willing to pay him to be a son.)
Ouch!
Submitted by c ur self on
That is so sad....
I apologize for expressing
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I apologize for expressing bitterness in this thread. The reason I feel that way right now is the following: both our daughters will be visiting for the holiday, and my ex (their dad) has not given any indication that he will attempt to see them while they're in the state.
No need to apologize...
Submitted by c ur self on
It would be hard for any of us to deal with that kind of unconcern....But it happen's, you didn't cause it, and there is nothing you can do to change it........So enjoy every moment of ur time with YOUR girls....I imagine there will be plenty of regrets for him some day....
c
My adhd husband puts a
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
My adhd husband puts a different spin on saving. Anything that belongs to him or belonged to anyone in his family is valued as if it were pure gold. Anything that belongs to me is viewed as trash. He literally throws away, gives away, or sells my belongings. I have to hide and protect the items that are important to me, while he hangs on to literal junk and trash that belongs to him.
Thank you for the moral
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you for the moral support. The person I hired also offered to clear leaves from the roof for a little more money. I agreed. He removed the rotten firewood and the boards, got a lot of gunk out of the gutters, and blew the leaves not only off the roof but away from the sidewalk and driveway below. I was so happy to have the jobs done that I gave the guy an extra $60.
That is wonderful! Enjoy your
Submitted by Libby on
That is wonderful! Enjoy your tidied up space!
Echoing everyone else :)
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Part of the reason divorce scares me is that I would have to sell our house (could not afford to buy my husband out on my own). As we know, you can't make an ADHD person do something they don't want to do, and that includes cleaning up all the messes and unfinished projects and purging/storing things to make it salable. Honestly, it's so daunting to me and his things just keep accumulating. It will be very difficult when it is time to sell this house on top of the other difficulties of divorce. I don't know if this will help anyone, but I have tried to contain the mess to two major areas: 1. the basement (getting scarier and scarier down there) and 2. My husband's room. We sleep apart, so if he leaves anything lying around the house for more than a few days, I put it in his room. It is an easier way for me to clean up the main house and not actually do his work for him. The result is a room where we can not see the carpet. There is a 1-2 foot layer of papers and clothes and computer parts on the floor surrounding his bed that he must climb over to get there. BUT, now the rest of our house doesn't look like that anymore because it definitely did at one point.
I feel for you, PI, still dealing with pieces of the frustration even years after a break. Way to go for managing it as you did!
No matter how old your
Submitted by Libby on
No matter how old your children are you never stop being the mom. It hurts to see your children being treated badly. Have they talked to their dad about seeing him? As hard as it is if they are adults they need to deal with him on their own. It is ok to feel the disappointment and hurt for them. I do not think you came across as bitter.
My sense is that none of us
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My sense is that none of us really like to talk to him about whether he's coming because he often says no and so asking is a set-up for rejection.
Happy Thanksgiving to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who comes to this forum. I've never met you but I feel as though I know you.
Having my daughters home is great. But I'm sad that their father has not contacted them about or during their visit to our state. I miss the family that consisted of the four of us. However, given the way my family has evolved and the way his family has evolved, I acknowledge that despite the impressions I formed when we first met, 35 years ago, our values are very different, at least as far as families and relationships are concerned.
Edited to add: I texted ex-h today and said, "Please consider calling our daughters today." He did call, at mid-afternoon, and he chatted with each of us I'm still sad, still wish I had figured out his screwy family sooner, but I do appreciate that he called and I told him that a few times.