Sitting here crying and terrified that my marriage is beyond repair. The anger I feel towards my husband is overwhelming. We are both in counseling. have been married 20 years with two daughters, ages 8 and 5. The full scope of how his ADD has affected our relationship is finally fully dawning on me. I am so angry at the toll this has taken on me mentally and physically, I can't even see straight. The more I learn about this, the more angry I become. We used to be the envy of everyone...the most romantic, kind, fun couple anyone knew. People used to tell me all the time how lucky I was to have such a nice husband. And he is nice. Very very nice. But his disorder also made him such a child that over the years, I have lost all respect for him. Worn myself down to the nub so I can't even work, my health is horrible, and yes...I blame him for a large part of what I have allowed to happen to me. I can accept that he has a disorder...what I can't accept is that in the face of all the evidence and advise over the years, he hasn't been able to do anything about it. And now I am terrified it is too late. All respect for him is gone and I don't know how to get that back. I told him recently that I see clear as day that he needs medication, and more than once a week visits with a ADD counselor, and that it will take him another 10 years to come to that same conclusion. I don't see how I can be expected to wait.
My 8 year old daughter clearly show signs of ADD, and I am doing everything I can right now to help her so she doesn't have to be as disabled as my husband, and I get so angry again at him...because she has it too. My counselor tells me he is one of the worst cases she has ever seen, and my role now is to take care of myself and to help my daughter and to let the professionals help him. She also implores me to be understanding and to recognize he has a neurological disorder, and he is doing the best he can right now. That's all well and good, but the anger in me grows and grows as I wonder what my life would be like if he had been a capable, responsible person.
Not sure marriage can be saved
Submitted by Vivien on 02/12/2015.
not sure marriage can be saved
Submitted by jojobean on
vivien
My sincerest and deepest sympathy towards you and the struggle you have endured and still battle. I find myself so scarily in the same circumstances as you. I truly KNOW what you have put up with and i am in awe that you can count your marriage at 20 years for all that you have sustained, truly i dont understand how you have endured 20 years!! I too am overwhelmed with the way i feel towards my H. We have been married for 11 yrs, have known each other since kids.. BUT we, him and i, have never even considered ADD could be his problem! All the symptoms, descriptions and HUGE problems point to this being the source.. and that is how i ended in this site.
I have a few questions to ask if i could, being you have an extensive knowledge of this sad situation:
you mention your H and you have actually been in counseling, Has that helped any? AND i know you must..must..must love your husband in some shape or form to have stuck by his side all this years. Would you say if you could go back and change and leave as soon as you knew all this you have endured, would you leave? I know also your children must have been a HUGE reason why you have supported him. In my case, my failing health includes the fact i have not had children and i believe 10 yrs is nothing compared to your 20.. but knowing my H and his character and temperament.. i already know he will deny having this problem and even still, trying to get help.
I feel we have hit rock bottom. Bad. emotionally, physically, financially and i truly feel there is no point in trying for longer.. can you give some insight please? Feel free to ask me questions to get a better point of view.. i would not hesitate to respond to get help with this debilitating decision.
What exactly is "a severe case of ADHD"?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I have seen a few people post this and I wonder about this. I believe that my H's symptoms are extremely severe, and another wife recently detailed her story and it nearly exactly copies my story......but I do NOT think ADHD is to blame for the "ugly parts". I truly think the uglier aspects are from a personality disorder..Axis II...which is not ADHD.
So, when you all say, "severe case," what do you mean?
Hi Vivien....
Submitted by c ur self on
I hope you know there are an untold number of us who live in identical circumstances except for the few details that separate us. I'm glad you're in counseling. I was right where you are at about two years ago...And to tell the truth, I don't think I could have ever experienced healing for my anger and bitterness without the 11 months of separation and 10 months are so of counseling that we went through. It took months, (like 6 or 7) for me to get to where I could even discuss our relationship without being over come emotionally by anger. I wasn't educated concerning add/ADHD (my W is like your H is, a severe case) and how it effects people. So, I basically took everything she did as intentional...I felt so overwhelmed,
She like your husband is a sweetheart when you only have to deal with her for a few hours at church functions, family events, or the such...But only those of us who daily face the responsibility level of 8 year old's when it comes to most all aspects of life, know how overwhelming it is...And to make it worse many of us deal w/denial. Which creates even a more unstable environment.
I did not want to here ANYONE! lol...tell me about my anger...But I was quick and intense :) in telling them about the insane chaos I was living in...So many of the things Melissa brought out in her book helped me...One of the big one's for me was about my anger....On page 35 she makes this statement and it really hit home in my relationship...Don't let the presence of negative responses turn into an excuse not to manage ADHD symptoms...she state's a classic example is the ADHD spouse who convinces themselves that their spouse's anger is the real cause of their problems. She says the anger is a factor that needs to be addressed, but it's also a response to specific ADHD symptoms. This statement is probably true for many of us...Especially where the add spouse is in denial about how their lifestyle and actions can become an intrusive nightmare for their spouses.
Leading up to the time we were to get back together I realized for us to have a snowballs chance...I could not place expectations on her, I could not enable her, and there had to be boundaries put in place, that had to be respected...So now it's much easier because I just accept her and kind of know what to expect...(Let me clear this last statement up acceptance does not translate to approval) but, acceptance has taken me off the hook, and it also holds me accountable to not try and control her (which was the main source of my frustrations and still is at times)...So when I see a train wreck coming I step aside and let it...(Anyone who walks out into traffic only needs to get hit by one car to decide that is not the wise thing to do).
There is still many things I will always have to do because of her inability or irresponsibility toward it...I'm not sure about other's here but my wife always has an excuse (there reason's in her mind) for doing very little cleaning, very little cooking, very little love making, putting very little finances into our home.
But, life is to short to be angry and bitter...If I go...I will go calmly, loving her...If I stay, it's got to be calmly and lovingly...I pray your situation get's better, and you find peace for yourself...Self-awareness is a must for us all Adhd or not.....
One other thing: The Heavenly Father loves you with the full force of his love....And that's a lot of love :)
What exactly are you seeing? What are his symptoms?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
What is he doing? You gave no specifics.
As for your D.....I believe that Good Parenting can mitigate a LOT of ADHD symptoms. Teaching her to be self-aware, responsible for her own mistakes, to use foresight, to plan, to come up with good habits that avoid mistakes or forgetting things. Teach her how to do things, how to TAKE CARE OF THINGS, how to clean, how to do laundry (sort clothes, remove stains), sanitize things, etc. Teach her how to BE CAREFUL.
My H's parents taught him NOTHING. .
Thanks for the responses. I
Submitted by Vivien on
Thanks for the responses. I am hoping to hear from someone who, like me, was in love with their spouse, lost all respect for that spouse, and was able to love them again, and make the marriage work. Can anyone reassure me that he can get better and I will love him again and we can be happily ever after?
To answer some of the questions... I fell head over heels for my husband and we were the envy of everyone for years and years. He needed me, and I am someone who never felt needed. So I understand he was meeting a need of mine with his disorder from day one. After the birth of my second daughter, I became very depressed and desperate to find out why. I started seeing a counselor for me, and got on antidepressants. Eventually, it was agreed that my job was making me the most miserable. The decision was made for me to stay home while the girls were little to give myself time to get myself together and find what might make me happier work-wise. In the course of counseling, it became clear that a lot of my stresses were my husband. In a nutshell, I have been dragging him through life, and he has benefited greatly by my assistance. It took him over 10 years to get a bachelor degree. With him lying about going to classes, dropping out and not telling me, I had to lie to my family about his situation. Finally, we told everyone he graduated, with plans on him continuing quietly, just to stop the inquisitions. So I have anger about the misspent money and the lying. He admits without me he would be a hoarder living in filth. My family thinks I am really hard on him, because he is so very nice to me. What they don't see is if I don't go apeshit on him, he won't get the oil changed. Then he apologizes to me for not taking care of things and says that he needs me to keep after him. So all these years later, at his request, I have turned into a hateful wife...someone I don't want to be. I don't like being mean. We had a pattern where I saw him messing up and I wanted to just help. Then I was in mental turmoil about just taking the car to get the oil changed, which would result in him beating himself up, or let the car blow up. It has been a constant concern for me how much to let him screw up before I step in. Respect for him is zero. He literally takes years what others can do in minutes. The ONLY thing we have ever fought over is his inability to take care of things, his inability to do things he needs to do and his constant mess ups. The one area he seems to differ from other people with ADD is he has been steadily employed by the same company since 1995. Quite a feat, as I understand it. He can't remember when anything happened. We have the "that was last week" no, "that was three years ago" conversations. He is brilliantly smart, like Mensa smart. So I end up feeling like the dummy who can't remember anything because he really does think something happened last week when I know darn well it didn't. He changed a car battery on his own. Put the old car battery on the porch with the intention of finding out where to take old car batteries. Three years went by. We moved. The first thing I saw on the UHaul truck was the car battery. He put it on the truck. He can't throw out junk mail. I can't trust him to take the girls to appts and remember what teachers or doctors tell him. He doesn't plan anything, doesn't have any hobbies other than computer games. Doesn't have any friends either. Would sleep till 2:00p if I let him on the weekends. Any outings with the girls are created and executed by me. I could go on and on. I am exhausted and tired of being responsible for him enjoying his life. I have friends who think I am just being hard on him and he is a typical "dumbass husband".
Anyway, in the course of getting counseling for my depression, we determined his ADHD is a big part of my breakdown..I hadn't really connected it all before. I knew he was a lot more work than other spouses, but didn't realize how disabled he really is. Now, seeing signs of it in my daughter, I am on a mommy mission to help her. I have been reading up on it. We have timers and checklists everywhere for her, and she is doing better. She is also freakishly brilliant, like him. I know it's not his fault that he has this...but I definitely do blame him for not getting proper treatment and taking responsibility for it. He admits he has it and is seeing a specialist twice a month who is giving him techniques to try, like setting alarms and doing checklists. In anger, I reminded him I told him to do that 10 years ago. I don't know how I can be expected to wait while he gets treatment, which by his clock, will take years and years. I begged him many times to let me help him find out what was wrong, so we could help him. He stubbornly refused all that in favor of self torture of just "I gotta do better". I am DONE with the self torture.
It used to be that even if we had a fight, I desperately wanted to be his wife no matter what. For the first time in our life together, I feel like I don't care if we are together or not. I am heartbreakingly ambivalent about him as a spouse, and incredibly angry with him as a friend and partner. I am scared he is 10 years too late in getting help for our marriage. But he is a fantastic father. There is no abuse, chemical dependence, financial problems. I just want to fall in love with him again, and I am scared that's not actually possible. Sometimes I wonder if it's fair to expect him to be married to someone who doesn't love him. He doesn't deserve to be trapped either. I wonder if he had been more capable if I could have kept working and found joy there without the stresses of home. I wonder if I was married to someone with initiative if we would have gone on more vacations, walks, taken better care of myself. What would my life be like now if I were married to someone who didn't need this much care-taking and was more of a partner. Everything is created, decided, cooked, cleaned, planned by me.
Thanks for listening...I am hoping somehow in this group I can hear of other couples who were able to come back together. I did love him SO SO much for so long. I am also mourning that relationship I guess. I suspect it would never be the same no matter what.
I feel for you Vivien....
Submitted by c ur self on
(He changed a car battery on his own. Put the old car battery on the porch with the intention of finding out where to take old car batteries. Three years went by. We moved. The first thing I saw on the UHaul truck was the car battery. He put it on the truck. He can't throw out junk mail. I can't trust him to take the girls to appts and remember what teachers or doctors tell him. He doesn't plan anything, doesn't have any hobbies other than computer games. Doesn't have any friends either. Would sleep till 2:00p if I let him on the weekends. Any outings with the girls are created and executed by me. I could go on and on. I am exhausted and tired of being responsible for him enjoying his life. I have friends who think I am just being hard on him and he is a typical "dumbass husband". )
This statement you've made her is typical behavior for severe add...I could have made it about my wife, and I bet many many other's on this site could respond in kind....And the fear of what might happen ends up causing you to Mother him...Or me her....Thus our unhappiness, hopelessness, and lose of love, respect and desire.
It is much easier for me than for you...I had no sister's, only brothers, and a working Mother whom was a disciplinary...I can out cook, out clean most women, and I faithfully track and do the other things you've discussed, car's etc....Plus I retired a couple of years ago, so I'm not always pushed and rushing...So that helps bunches...
I just wanted you to know I understand why you feel like you feel....Considering everything you've written...To answer your question: Yes you can be happy :) But I think you need to make some changes....
I think you have to free yourself up from trying to be responsible for him (Mothering) and start looking for him to be responsible and accountable as a Man and husband...And for that to happen you must lose the fear of what will happen, If you don't jump in and try to think for him, and keep him on track...
So, if I were you (I do this with my wife and it works) I would slowly start separating myself from him in many ways...Separate banking accounts, your own health insurance, do your taxes separate if you feel it's a problem, Separate Car's, Start tracking only the needs of your own oil change's and other services....In other words just be responsible for yourself so you can rid yourself of the this fear...If you see a train wreck coming in his life...You might kindly point it out and then let it happen, if he doesn't care enough to do something about it as hard as it is just let him suffer the consequences....I do understand about the children, so you may have to head that off and do what you must there...But as for him, if he is anything like my wife...He will let you kill yourself running interference and still keep asking for help...The more I enable the more she desire to use me....You have to back away and only focus on being an example of what a responsible person looks like, and what a loving wife looks like....And Mothering is the opposite of Loving when it comes to a spouse....
Blessings....I will pray for you both....
Thank you c ur self!
Submitted by Vivien on
I have been reading and rereading your comments. Thank you! What you say makes a lot of sense, and I will take your advise. I know every marriage has rough spots. I sincerely hope we can find a way back to happiness.
This happens all the time....my solution is .....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
He can't remember when anything happened. We have the "that was last week" no, "that was three years ago" conversations.
<<<<<
I've used calendars as kind of "diaries" to record when things happened.
I also depend on the fact that we've lived several places during our marriage so when he says the "Last Week" or "Last Year" or " couple of years ago" , I can say, "no, we were living on X street then, remember? That was 14 years ago."
This has helped H realize how bad he is at keeping track of time.
It also worked in reverse. If H wanted to do something, like go golfing (again), he'd say, "it's been 2 months" since i went golfing".....but I'd show him on the calendar that he went 2 weeks ago.
I noticed that you were married a LONG time before you had kids . I wonder if that worsened the situation. For a long time, without any kids in the home, your H could be the kid and likely you had time to let him be so. Once you had kids, you likely needed him to be an adult.
H and I were married for 4 years before having kids, and even that was likely a contributor to H's childish behavior.
I do think it made a difference we waited so long for kids
Submitted by Vivien on
I think you are right. We were married for 9 years and then had our first. She is now 8 and I see signs of ADD in her. And that's what really made my anger explode. Realizing how much work he has been, and now I have to do extra for her to help her out. I am so determined that she will not be as helpless and screw things up like he has. I am working hard helping her with techniques now, checklists, timers, etc. And I speak frankly with her about it as something she will need to work on, but that I am here to help her. I guess my patience with hubby went into the negative once I realized what I was in for with her.
I will always wonder what I would be like if I had married someone without this disorder. Would I be more patient, would I be healthier, would I have been capable of continuing working outside the home? I basically broke, and I think he was a huge part of that. A person can only handle so much. We are very separate now. We don't hang out and have fun together at all. We are great parents together, but when he gets in my way in helping my daughter, I blow my stack. She is my priority and he needs to get his shit together. We had a talk not too long ago where we basically said he needs to think about if he is willing to wait till my anger subsides, and I need to think about if I am willing to wait till he gets better with his disorder. Otherwise, I don't see this working out.
Hi,
Submitted by bobbybigdrum on
Hi,
I understand your frustration. I am an 38 yr old ADHD Husband with a 2yr old and a 4 yr old. You husband is obviously unique, like I am, so these are just my take on a few of the items above.
Remember Vivian, this is a grey world, leave the Black and White, All or Nothing approach, to us ADHD'ers. There is a lot of blame being placed in the above, and not a lot of introspection on your behalf, just my observation.
"After the birth of my second daughter, I became very depressed and desperate to find out why".
- Have you had depression before? it may be a chronic issue and certainly will contribute to marital issues.
"Eventually, it was agreed that my job was making me the most miserable. The decision was made for me to stay home while the girls were little to give myself time to get myself together and find what might make me happier work-wise. In the course of counseling, it became clear that a lot of my stresses were my husband"
- I am not trying to sound skeptical, but you went to therapy for depression and they told you that all of your depression was from external sources and no inner, rooted issues from your past, or imbalance? That is rare. (NOTE FROM MELISSA ORLOV INSERTED LATER - don't be too skeptical - I became depressed after dealing with undiagnosed ADHD and its consequences for many years and it really did turn out to be directly related to my husband's ADHD - and he would also agree that this is the case.)
"The one area he seems to differ from other people with ADD is he has been steadily employed by the same company since 1995. Quite a feat, as I understand it. He can't remember when anything happened. We have the "that was last week" no, "that was three years ago" conversations. He is brilliantly smart, like Mensa smart"
- I am not sure you understand (edited out by Orlov as personal attack) how difficult it is to accomplish the above statement while struggling with ADHD, you should be proud of him.
"Now, seeing signs of it in my daughter, I am on a mommy mission to help her. I have been reading up on it. We have timers and checklists everywhere for her, and she is doing better. She is also freakishly brilliant, like him. I know it's not his fault that he has this...but I definitely do blame him for not getting proper treatment and taking responsibility for it. "
- Fair enough, he should own up and get treatment. Be careful with your daughter though, (edited out by Orlov as personal attack.) People with ADHD are their own worst critics, Parenting an ADHD'er is difficult and what you perceive as helpful, can actually say : "you are an absolute mess,you're broken, I am going to try to fix you, but its really hard"
I am sorry your marriage is struggling, mine is too. Just know that regardless of whether you work things out, or move on, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Your husband has weaknesses that frustrate you, you can bet, ADHD or not, that your next one will too. I am weary of the "we decided" statements you make regarding your own therapy, and whether or not you may have some of your own issues to work through?
Thanks,
Bob
Bob,
Submitted by Vivien on
Bob,
With all due respect, I am not interested in your input. You appear to have misunderstood and misconstrued my situation. Any decisions/conclusions about my mental health and my situation with my husband were made together, with input from our family doctor, counselors, my husband and myself. You may not want to admit it, but it is very possible for my husband's ADD to have had a significant impact on my mental well being. My husband certainly recognizes the impact it has had on me. I never had depression before, but yes...now I indeed do have it, thanks to him and working in a career for far too long that also sucked the life out of me. I am exhausted.
You said "- I am not trying to sound skeptical, but you went to therapy for depression and they told you that all of your depression was from external sources and no inner, rooted issues from your past, or imbalance? That is rare." To this I would answer that I never said "ALL" my depression came from external sources. That's ridiculous. I am certainly trying to figure out why I selected to fall in love with someone who would be so wonderful, yet so much work. We all have childhood shit to deal with, and my husband and career took me over the edge.
You said "- I am not sure you understand or are compassionate enough regarding how difficult it is to accomplish the above statement while struggling with ADHD, you should be proud of him." When did I ever say I wasn't grateful for the fact he has been employed steadily? In fact, I did recognize how unusual that is. I am indeed very proud of him and tell him so. Your assumption that I am not compassionate to the man I chose to marry and to help as much as I could for 20 years is insulting.
You said "you have not exactly handled your husbands ADHD and your own psychological issues well. " Encouraging him to get treatment, seeking help from medical and mental professionals, reading book after book and coming to this forum is not handling this well? I sincerely disagree with you.
You said "Your husband has weaknesses that frustrate you, you can bet, ADHD or not, that your next one will too. I am weary of the "we decided" statements you make regarding your own therapy, and whether or not you may have some of your own issues to work through?" You are assuming my marriage will end and if it does, I won't accept any weakness on my second husband's part? Excuse me? I am fighting tooth and nail for my husband to be my ONLY husband. I didn't expect or want to marry someone without weaknesses. But I do expect someone who has a neurological disorder to seek treatment and take responsibility for his own life and the impact his disorder has had on his family. I very obviously have issues to work through, as we all do, Bob...which is why I am seeing a counselor.
I came here for support, and you, apparently on your first day, are trying to tell me I am not a compassionate person, a cruel wife and possibly uncaring mother also who is largely to blame for her own problems. I hope you find the support and answers you are looking for. Please refrain from offering further opinions on my situation. Thank you.
Sorry, had to add a bit more
Submitted by Vivien on
Sorry, had to add a bit more since I have had some time to think about why your comments were so hurtful. I think it is because a lot of us non-ADHD spouses have spent years having to be the bad guy in the relationship. We have felt the need to become nags and even hateful in order to keep the ADHD spouse on task. You can not possibly understand what it is like to be us, like I can't possibly understand what it's like to have ADHD. What mostly set me off were the implications that I was uncaring, uncompassionate and in danger of being cruel to my daughter, not to mention the suggestion that my depression was largely the result of my own fault, and the impact of my husbands neurological disorder is not part of the equation. You will find among this forum story after story of how the disorder wrecks havoc in families and can destroy marriages and have huge negative consequences on children.
Lastly, as I said, I do hope you find the support and help you are seeking in this forum. I do, however, suggest you refrain from calling this a "Pity Party for ADHD Wives (with the inability to examine their own behavior)". It is insensitive and unhelpful. There are plenty of discussions happening here to help the ADHD spouse. Please don't place judgment on us non-ADHD folks who are desperate for help and hope.
not interested?
Submitted by bobbybigdrum on
"They begin to attribute and
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"They begin to attribute and pin all of the problems past and future on the diagnoses, thereby obsolving themselves of liability."
This was true in my marriage, except that the "they" was not me (the spouse without adhd) but my husband, the one with ADHD. "Hey, I have a disease, I don't have to do anything except bask in the glory of being a victim!" Meanwhile, I continued to bust my ass to try to figure out solutions. Well, as they say, it takes two to tango but only one to make the dancing duo collapse on the floor, and so hubby took us down.