Not sure what to do

Hmm, I can suggest something

Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on Sun, 08/09/2015 - 13:08

Hello 80HD,

I have read over your post several times. I am a non-ADHD wife married to a man who got his ADHD diagnosis later in life, post marriage. I am 55, he is 57, and we have been married 30 years. He was officially diagnosed at 52 years of age - 5 years ago.

1. You are not an idiot.

2. ADHD does not need to be fixed. It just is. It is how your brain is wired.

3. You CAN learn to understand - and accept - how your behavior affects those around you.

My question to you - based on my own life experience: Are you absolutely positive these exact words comes from your wife's mouth: I am constantly being called names. Im told that i am a failure, worthless and at this point only good for a paycheck. Constant fighting, that ends with me crying because"im too emotional". Im always reminded that i personally and single handedly ruined the marraige/ her life. Im told that i am the only one to blame here, and when i try to bring up something that i learned that involves a symptom of adhd, then i am accused of making excuses for being a horrible husband. Literally notba day goes by that i dont get yelled at. Im still getting yelled out for things in the first month of marraige.

I ask this because I deal with this, almost exactly with my own spouse. I certainly get frustrated. I certainly feel unheard. Yet, in our family we DO NOT ever do character assassination - never. Yet somehow he interprets my frustration as exactly how you express it. He filters what I say through old filters that may be his own frustration, or things he heard as a child. I have never said or accused my spouse of any of the things written above - yet he feels exactly the same way.

Trying to cope with this has pushed me to the end of my rope, and has our marriage teetering on the brink of disaster.

Liz

Hi, thank you for the reply..

Submitted by 80HD on Sun, 08/09/2015 - 21:20

Hi, thank you for the reply.. sadly those names and words are actually said.. out loud, to my face. I will say that there are a lot of times that i assume that something she does or says is loaded. And that is because i also am hyper sensitive at this point. It is horrible enough that i hear this but my little girls hear it too. I understand that because of me she has suffered too. I am just hopeless at this point.

First Things First

Submitted by kellyj on Sun, 08/09/2015 - 21:17

I could echoes most of the things that you have said in some point in my life at one time or another. There's a lot going on in what you said and I can totally understand it all except the part about your girls (your kids) and the fear of losing them since I don't have children of my own. Having said that, I don't think that matters in the things that will help you get past the place your in right now. That's the first step....... you need to take things one step at a time.

Here's a list of things I would do (and have done myself) so I think this is solid advise.

1. Face your fears. Find out what they really are and what you are really afraid of and own them. This may sound odd to say but sometimes, when you have nothing left to lose it's is the strongest position to be in. All that fear you are feeling comes along with anxiety and stress. These are killers having ADHD. They kill your ability to think straight, make decisions and manage your ADHD symptoms and this only makes them worse and come out more. This will only make you feel helpless and hopeless like you are now. In another weird way to look at this.....what you are experiencing is normal. You're not an idiot....your just not able to make an impact on anything right now and that has a lot to do with fear, anxiety and stress. You need to focus first on the big three.....fear, stress and anxiety. Getting some help from a therapist or and ADHD coach or someone who can help you sort this out. It will really make this possible if you can't do this alone. I would suggest doing this for yourself and not hesitate to ask for help.

2. Only take responsibility for what is yours. There is such a thing as accepting or taking on too much responsibility. This may be a contributing factor to everything else you feeling including all that fear. You need to separate yourself from what your wife is telling you who your are from what you know you are. If you believe everything she is saying to you. No wonder you believe all these horrible things about yourself. That's bullshit. Look at all the positives good things about yourself and focus on those for a while. If you keep playing that tape in your head over and over from all those things she has told you about yourself (including the rest of your life) you will never be able to see who you really are which is a lot more than what you aren't doing in your marriage to make your wife happy. If that is all you are trying to do and focusing on.....you aren't doing anything for yourself. You need to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else in all respects. Taking care of yourself also includes picking up after yourself and taking care of all the other things that are associated with ADHD too but there is a whole lot more important things in life than house chores and trying to make other people happy. You need to do both or you aren't going to be any good for your family.

3. Break things down into their smallest components and work on each one one at a time but not at the exclusion of everything else. That's a big one and has a lot to do with being consistent and that too little, too much and too late aspect. You need to divide yourself up in even amount and do a little of everything but complete each one before you move onto the next...or.....if they are larger ones that can't be done all at one time....break those down into smaller components but do a little bit each day until it gets done instead of putting it off and coming back to it months later. Consistency is all about continuing to work at things without stopping not about doing only one thing at a time at the exclusion of all other things. The one thing you don't want to do is what you are doing now. A little bit here, a little bit there and never getting anything done. What I do that works well for me is divide everything up into their smallest parts and do all the easy and simple ones first ( the ones that don't take much time) It's better to have 10 things completely done at the end of the day than one unfinished project and still have the other ten waiting for you. Pick the low hanging fruit first and work up the tree and make sure you do the everyday things first before you do the one time projects or tasks. Do this everyday and try and get into habits. Habits become automatic after a while and that's exactly what you need to have. Break the old ones and start new ones. This will get easier for you once you do them.

4. Ask yourself....are you going towards something or are you moving away from it. If you are moving away from things whatever they are....you are playing losing poker with yourself and only trying to recoup your losses. If you are doing things out of fear or not wanting to do them and avoiding things and doing other things instead.....this is what you are doing. You need to think about things positively and spend your time and energy accomplishing things, being productive and achieving goals you have set for yourself. That's moving towards something and not moving away. Trying to please other people and only do what they want you to do for them out of fear is not a very productive way to spend your time if it's in conflict with moving towards what you should be doing instead.

The last thing I wanted to say is that from the sound of it....your wife sounds abusive to me. If she is trying to control you and what you do with her anger and insults...this is abuse plain and simple. If you have done everything you can and are doing your best in what you are capable of at any given point and time and that's not good enough for her.....that's her problem not yours. The only way you can know this for sure is to do your best everyday and know that you did. You are not required to kill yourself just to make someone else happy....which is impossible to do anyway. Thinking in those terms....if all you are doing is trying to get her to stop yelling at you and calling you names.....that's manipulative and abusive on her end and I wouldn't put up with it if it continues and you actually made some positive changes that are legitimate on your end.

Again, thank you for the

Submitted by 80HD on Sun, 08/09/2015 - 21:33

Again, thank you for the reply.. that is a lot to consider. And i will. However my biggest most devastating fear is not being with my children. I would suffer all of eternity for my children if it means that i can be home with them to keep them (including my wife) safe.. thats one of my many purposes as a husband/ father. I would give anything if it meant if i can tuck them in at night and read them books and play with them. Thats why im struggling soo much.

It Sounds Like Something Is Missing...

Submitted by kellyj on Mon, 08/10/2015 - 09:15

and not being included in the things you have said? I hear there is a real problem or concern you are having that your wife may leave you and take your girls from you? I hear you beating your self up for the past and what you are not doing now that is making her feel the way she does. I see that you are doing a lot of things and trying very hard but the few things you mentioned (or that she has mentioned) about house chores and the like.....do not sound like they would be things that would cause someone to leave you over?

Lying is a big one however, but there are different kinds of lying. If you are only lying only to cover your tracks and hide what you are not doing (to cover your mistakes even under the best intentions while doing what you should be doing) to avoid getting in trouble or having her get angry at you instead of owning up to your mistakes and taking responsibility for them.....while this is still lying and not admirable......this is a more human tendency and is something that could be seen as a more forgivable kind of lie to make. I think most of us at some time in our lives have done this kind of lie simply to avoid the consequences of something or another.

You say you cannot loose you children and would give anything to be with them and not be separated from them...to lose these moments you have with them which sounds like the most important thing in your life. That this is the worst thing that could happen to you and you would be devastated by this. That this is the number one source and biggest fear and the reason why you are struggling so much.

You said that you would suffer if you can't be home with your family and keep them safe. Why is that? What do they need to be protected from that only you could keep the safe? Just curious really here.....thinking about the role of being the protector or hero and why they wouldn't be safe without you?

I glossed over the part about you already going to counseling with your wife before and have sought out help like I was suggesting already which is a good thing.

I hear and see you beating yourself up a lot and are feeling deep regret and feel ashamed of yourself for who you are as a person.....you say you hate yourself.

I also hear that your wife is angry even to the point of calling you names and behaving in disrespectful ways towards you and you have some reason to feel she will leave you and take your kids away from you. You also said she hates you along with your friend(s)?

What's missing here?

As an impartial anonymous person on the internet that you have no reason to fear me or my judgment of you (which I don not. I have ADHD and have struggled with these same things myself excluding again your children) But....I have lost many things in my life that I felt were the most important things to me and have suffered those losses already due to my own mistakes and failures including some that I might have avoided if I had been more honest with myself in my past.

As I read this over again....I have some questions to ask you from everything that you said. These are not questions that you need to answer to me but are the ones you need to answer for yourself I think because these are the ones that might answer what is missing here for you to think about?

Are you lying to yourself to avoid the consequences and looking at why you think your wife and your best friend hate you? Have you done anything to make your wife hate you? Hate is a very condemning strong word to use and is not just anger over household chores? Why do you think your best friend hates you? Why is your marriage been ravaged by your ADHD? What part of your ADHD is the problem....house chores or lying? You said you were a worthless piece of crap

You said ... And then i would LIE and say i spent all day cleaning. Also i would LIE to her everytime i talked to her. I lied about how much I cared. And gave terrible examples of showing her i care like how hard i tried to clean. But it was clearly a lie because i knew exactly how to clean the right way. I know that none of you know me so you cannot trust that im not lying. I understand that.Im always reminded that i personally and single handedly ruined the marraige/ her life. Im told that i am the only one to blame here, and when i try to bring up something that i learned that involves a symptom of adhd, then i am accused of making excuses for being a horrible husband.

Is it that your wife doesn't trust you because you have lied to her so much? Is it that this is what she is saying why you have ruined her life and your marriage? Is it the lying that she hates not you? Is it the lying that your ruined your friendship with your best friend or was it something else you've done to make him hate you? Is it the trust that has been ruined, not your marriage or your friendship as a whole? Is it that the words coming out of your mouth do not line up with your actions and this is perceived as lying even if you are not intentionally trying to lie and/or just trying to cover up for or avoiding the consequences of making mistakes and the failures you have associated with ADHD?

Is this what is missing in what you are saying in all of this and the reason you feel so much hatred towards yourself? Trust and honesty?

If this is true.....then what can you do about this? Is there not anything you wouldn't do not to lose your children as you said?

The way I wrote that about

Submitted by 80HD on Mon, 08/10/2015 - 11:37

The way I wrote that about lying was confusing. I was being sarcastic and was upset when I wrote that.. its actually what you said towards the bottom . My intentions and the things I say and mean.. often do not line up with what my actions appear to be. The example was that I truly cleand all day I really did.. and worked hard. But as you know how the adhd brain works. I bouced from room to room. Cleaning small areas. Moving this from here to there..and back again. Also I have trouble truly knowing what I mean sometimes. But at the moment when I say it. I really mean it. An example would be. Ahe askes me if I want to go to the park next week. I say yes that sounds good. And then when its time. The fear and anxiety about being around all of thoae people Nd the overstimulation kicks in .. then I start to act anxious. More moving more tapping. Withdrawn. Etc... also yes other than what is the preception of me lying and not caring.. literally me doing things differently or incompletely to her standards has been whats brought us to the edge. Even after the counselor explaing that im not lying and haven't been the whole time.. ita what she felt happend. And what ahe feels is still happening now. So in her mind its true.. literally I feel betrayed by my own brain because no matter how hard I try to do things the right way or not be adhd in any way. It always gets in the way some how. Even when im doing really well. It doesn't matter ahes still mad and says ita just gonna get bad again. So then I feel defeated again.. all hard work thrown away because of the past

I Know How Tough This Is

Submitted by kellyj on Mon, 08/10/2015 - 14:41

and I do understand exactly what you are saying. This isn't confusing to me at all. What you are describing sound like performance anxiety and panic attacks. Your wife is part of this but what is happening to you is all on your end. Part of this is ADHD and part of it sounds more like anxiety and stress.

The...literally me doing things differently or incompletely to her standards has been whats brought us to the edge. Is a cycle of anxiety, projection and panic that you need to find your way out of. There is so much fear involved and so much to lose that this is the very thing I was saying to you about dealing with you anxiety and stress. I can imagine you are so stressed out at this point in time that there is not much you can do differently until you get this under control. Your brain (the ADHD brain) cannot handle all of this a process this fast enough in the moment and it's causing most of the problems you are dealing with and the resulting panic. All you can do is shut down or withdraw.

Another less complicated way of saying this is that you are psyching your self out. (and projecting that onto the future) I get it and have been there but you still can't blame that part on your wife which it sounds like you are not doing anyway but.....she still has a part to play in this and some of that is not sounding very compassionate or forgiving. There's not much you can do at the time when this happens it's true...but that's why you need to find a way to prevent this from happening in the first place. It sounds like your counselor has tried to tell your wife this in more words but for her....it doesn't sound like she cares one way or the other about the reasons behind it....just that it keeps happening. You're in a catch 22 with her but you can do some things to help yourself and deal with this on your end.

I can only give you so much advise her and I can't really help too much on your wife's end of things anyway. You can't control of change how she feels any better than she can do this with you. Bottom line here and the hardest thing you may have to do is try and focus on yourself and make yourself more immune to her right now. She's affecting you so much that you are in a state that it doesn't sound like you are able to get out of. The two of you are in a cycle or dynamic that is feeding off each other and if she isn't going to budge right now......this will be left up to you to break this cycle on your end. That's really all you can do. That's the leap of faith you will have to take by yourself and stay on course no matter what she does with no guarantee she will change or do anything differently while you are doing it.

Here's my only advise to you:

focus on yourself and not making anything you do contingent on her. Period. Not contingent on her anger, insults or anything she says or does. Stop projecting your own failure and demise into the things that you are doing. Don't use her standards as your means to access how well you are doing and don't expect that level of performance or perfection from yourself. Set some reasonable standards that you know you can attain and use that as your goal and stay consistent at doing that.

Don't be defensive. Stop lying, making excuses and trying to explain everything away. Admit when you make a mistake and let her say what she will. You can't control her but you can admit your own limitations and times that you don't live up to them. The consequence of not doing this are worse than the alternative.This will also help you stop beating yourself up by instead....owning up to what you do and being straight forward with her. Part of that not knowing what to say and not following through with your word comes from being defensive. Work at doing this as much as possible and think before you speak. If she is pushing you for answers and brow beating you to do things faster than you can....you have to control since this is a huge part of the problem. Slow Down!! Only you can control this part too.

If you can do just these two things at first.....the stress and anxiety should go down as you do this. When the stress and anxiety goes down....your performance and managing everything else will certainly improve. These things are all tied together. Change one thing....and the others will change along with it. There is an inverse relationship to how well you do things and how much stress and anxiety you have, The fear of what she will do if you fail is amplifying everything and causing you to become overwhelmed. That's when you have these panic moments you are experiencing.

Slow down. Gain control. Don't be defensive, Set your own standards that you can follow through and live by and Don't make anything you do contingent on her.

An don't expect anything from her while you are trying to do this including what she is doing now. Don't expect this to change in order for you not to give or stop if she don't respond to any positive improvements you are making. This is really hard but I think it will help with the anxiety and stress if you can focus on these things and nothing else for while. It does sound like she is being hard on you and not being reasonable but you cannot use that as an excuse either. (remember...don't make anything you do contingent of her)

I also think you should find some outside help just for you not as a couple. That kind of therapy will tailor exactly what you need to be doing and helping you focus on self improvement not your marriage and your wife. First things first. Work on yourself and the rest will follow in that order. The order in which you do things is as important as anything else in order to succeed at this.

Your wife should not be calling you names....

Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Mon, 08/10/2015 - 00:44

<<<< I have two jobs. I cook ,i clean, laundry, take great care of my girls...and have done these things from day one. The thing is obviously people with this curse dont often do normal everyday human tasks the "right way" >>>>

Can you tell us more about the above? Since we're only hearing one side, the above is confusing. On one hand, it sounds like you're working 60 hours per week or more, plus cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and taking care of the children. Is this even possible?

What I mean is: Is it possible to be truly doing ALL of those things, in a reasonable and decent way, and still get called names?

Your words suggest that you're not doing things the "right way". My H often doesn't do things the "right way." He has broken many things because he's not careful, he's impulsive, and he doesn't do things the "right way".

If your efforts are causing more damage than good, then SLOW DOWN. Be more thoughtful, watch and learn the correct way of doing things, take notes if you have to.

For instance, no one is going to be grateful that you've done the laundry if you don't pretreat stains, or if you mix white clothes with red clothes and now all the white clothes are pink. No one is going to get compliments if that happens.

However, there may not be anything wrong with the way that you do things; your ways may just be different than your wife's ways. That is another issue, not this issue.

What are you doing that is not the correct way?

I know im confusing. I

Submitted by 80HD on Mon, 08/10/2015 - 11:42

I know im confusing. I apologize.. when im not at work I will offer to do those things. Im one that thinks everything is equal and no job is above or below me. I do my best to slow down and do it the right way. Its that something Lways happens. Like I forget two thxcings in the clothes basket.. but washed everything else.. at this point even though ive improved. Because of my past with larger more forgefull mistakes I believe that her reactions like my own to her.. are hyper sensitive and exaggerated.

One Last Thing Here

Submitted by kellyj on Mon, 08/10/2015 - 16:35

You need to forgive yourself even if no one else does. You are going to continue to not notice little details and forget those two things in clothes basket....even when you slow down. 100% 100% of the time is hard for anyone and your wife is as hyper sensitive to these things as you are hypersensitive to her and her anger towards you. Break the cycle and let some of this go. Forgive yourself for the things that you can't do the same as her or anyone else but don't use that to let down. Use that to stop hating yourself for having ADHD and missing things like this. It will happen....don't let that destroy all the good things that you do and times that you don't miss or forget things.

One thing I will share with you that my wife is just now coming around to. It took a long time for her to let go of some things herself but she is listening to me. Not everything is ADHD and some things are just differences in one person to the next. My wife is exceptionally neat......even compared to most people I know. If you can imagine....this is a big source of conflict between us. One of them is leaving the kitchen spotless. Some of this is out of her own anxiety surrounding a lot of things and I realize this and know what these things are. I can be compassionate and even willing to bend a lot for her in this way but....there are some things that I know I just will never be able to do what she does but I have committed myself to try as hard as I can to meet her on certain things but without the promise that I won't fail at times to do this.

The other day I went grocery shopping and I put everything away and tidied up. No problem right? Later she came to me and said that she feels like I don't care about her and just don't care about the things she does. On both counts this isn't true but I asked her why? She said the first things she saw when she walked into the kitchen were two bags on the floor and that's why she jumped to that conclusion. I told her something I have said many times but just now it's finally sinking in. In my lifetime of experience with two ex -wifes, ex girlfriends, and multiple room mates and many situations where I have shared living quarters even temporarily with a number of other people....and the only person in my lifetime of experience that I have met who is as detail oriented and cleans to the degree of perfection that my wife does was my own mother. She was a perfectionist and a bit neurotic (a little OCD) and I am at least familiar with the standard and the person behind it. In growing up with this and having this example, you might think that this wouldn't be an issue however.....my mother was so controlling in how she wanted things....she never let anyone else do the tasks as no one in our own family could measure up to them either. She never asked us to do it because of this (including my sisters) so no one ever had to. This was old school division of labor too but none the less....I never had to do it or try and keep it this way. That was bad for me on many levels but only to say.......in my lifetime of living on this planet...I have never tried to be this neat and tidy before in my life. I'm a novice rookie in trying to be detail oriented to a degree that I think most people are not.....at least in my experience.

So.....I said to my wife "I did everything you asked me to do in the way you wanted it but to be honest.....I didn't even see the two bags. If I had...I absolutely would have picked them up. The problem is.....I don't look of the floor like you do but....I'm beginning to do it more often the more I try and remember the fine details of things like this. I do this for you but no one has ever asked me to do this before and to this degree....no one has even noticed things like you do. This is a first in my entire life! The problem is.....you don't know all the times I remember and see these things because when you walk in the room.....their not there but I guarantee it happens so much more than it use to or else you would see more of it.....but I can't prove to you something that doesn't exists can I? I can't prove a negative.

She sat and thought about this and admitted (as she does) that her standards are high and she is very detail oriented. Her eye sees things that I never see and it goes right too them first thing. She's kind of like "Monk" (the show on cable) If the picture is a little crooked or something is out of place......only she will see it and see it immediately....and until it gets straightened....it will bug the crap out of her until it does. Not quite so OCD as Monk, but even I can tease a little when it comes to this and she can laugh along with me.

That's when I said...."so, if I don't see these details but try my best to meet you as I have and still miss two bags on the floor that I didn't see...does this mean I don't care about you or am not trying?" She said she understood and "No...it doesn't mean that. I see what you are saying." And I responded back to her by saying "I will keep trying though since I really do know how important this is to you and how much these things bug you. But please try and keep this in mind the next time something like this happens and not immediately assume that I see these things and just walk on past them. That rarely happens especially...in the kitchen."

In this case....my wife has some perfectionist issues stemming from her childhood. I am very aware of this too....boy howdy! But I care enough about her to bend a lot for her in this way even if she is on the extreme end of everyone I have ever known (except my mother ha ha). I don't even think it's reasonable to try and be this way which is why most people aren't but.....it's really nice to live in a place that is so picked up and clean all the time. It's forced me to improve dramatically even if I can't get to her level (and mostly wouldn't want to try.....too much neurotic energy involved to get there and I have enough of my own without adding this to the list lol )but.....I'm willing to keep trying and do it for her and do it willing with the caveat....that I can miss a few things from time to time and it doesn't mean I don't care about her.

It's taken years to get to this place together but it finally has come to a place that these conversations are no longer fights and she is actually saying it is that she is really feeling instead of making it about me and flying into anger first. I've know why she does this for a long time now but I have also been working at doing this and not blaming her for being neurotic and OCD as my reason why we would get into it. It's been a long process to get to this place and I have said the same things many times to her and just now......she actually is hearing me and it's literally sinking in as if it was the first time I ever said anything.

Is this issue that my wife has my fault? No. But I have ADHD and I want the same from her. Sometimes you have to give to get and you can never go wrong if this is what you are doing I think.

J

Submitted by 80HD on Mon, 08/10/2015 - 23:18

Thank you soo much for your reply'sssss. I really do appreciate your advise and wisdom. I am going to try and start doing things differently.and not live defeated. Its helped me alot to post on here because there are people that truly understand what adhd is really like. Its nothing like what most people think. Thanks for everyones replies. I look forward to others. I feel alone and pretty horrible most days. And alot of that has to do with having no outlet for all of this stress. Its been quiet a relief to post on here. Thanks again. This is going to be a long tough road..however i did say i would suffer till the end of time if it meant i could be with my family. Except im going to activally try and do things differently and likely will suffer less and less each day

We Went to Our T Yesterday

Submitted by kellyj on Tue, 08/11/2015 - 15:16

and talked about this very thing. What emily1997 said is true and our T explained this to us again in a different way ( he and his son have AD(H)D by the way ) He said that his son for example (who's in his early 20's) as he said it "remarkably, has a number of friends" and they all seem to arrive at the same thing. He appears "selfish" at times or that he doesn't care about other people in the moment but it's not the "christian sin" version of being selfish. There is no motive or intent behind it, no cognitive thinking or other reason most people would think. At some point in time....they all just accepted that this was a part of his personality but are able to over look this based on all of his other qualities. This resounds exactly what I have experienced myself. Most of my friends I have known for a very long time and they just know certain things and quirks about me that we can joke at and right off as something that everyone has come to expect, With them (and myself)....it's a source for comic relief and I don't get defensive. Many times (with no intention on my part)....I can be pretty amusing even to myself and my friends appear to be pretty entertained as well. Not being defensive or feeling hurt by this on my end is a big part of why this works. It's just how the ADHD brain works and is part of the by-product of the mental processing "glich" in our brains. The emotions and cognitive parts don't always meet at the same time or completely miss the connection sometimes. He said that the message is getting sent...but they don't always meet when they should and this appears like the person doesn't care or is being selfish. There's a delay or worse....a complete missing of the single at different times which causes this. It's not that it isn't working or not firing at all.....it's just a blip or glitch in the process and the message doesn't always get there or it gets there too late after the fact. I think this is what you were describing too. That's why slowing down really helps.....it's too easy to get ahead of yourself and that's where a lot of the problems come from.

But our T also told us (just that morning) about a couple who was in and the man had ADHD. He said the wife was having the usual issues and one of them was too much time on the computer (a common complaint). He said the woman was having a real tough time getting past how she saw things. Despite the fact that he tried to explain that most of what she was seeing had nothing to do with her perception (her perception based on what his behavior meant to her and personalized it) she was very firmly locked ( or stuck ) into one way of seeing things and was not open to seeing things any other way. He said, his issues was a "hardware" problem and her issues was a "software" problem. But both were "stuck" in their own way and this is a common problem for many people he see's. Being "stuck" in their thinking and/or "believe system" that prevents them from being open to listening too and seeing things in any other way.

What looks and feels like you are being selfish to her is not for the same reason and is coming from an entirely different mechanism in your brain. You know you care and she "feels" like you don't. She needs to get past her believe in how she feels and change what she knows to something else in order to get past this is this is possible for her because these two things really don't line up with someone with ADHD. There are some people who have ADHD and have other issues involved that are outside of this where what I am saying would not apply but it doesn't appear that you fall into that category or you wouldn't be here in the first place. Neither does my T, his son or myself for that matter but the problems as I said are still there including my wife.

She has started to adjust and adapt like emily1997 was saying and has described a similar kind of disappointment that some things that she wishes were different are probably not going to change much however.....I think in time she will find that I will change more her way than she thinks as long as I stay at it and practice being better about certain things. My T confirmed this to us. He said that repetitive practice can teach those miss fires to line up over time. He said it is the same as learning anything new but you have to train your brain to be different and eventually....those glitches become fewer and further a part.

I know this is true because I have been doing this long enough to see the results but you have to stay on it and practice doing it for a while. In the interim time however....my wife has to deal with her own emotions surrounding this and be able to get past some of the things that are troubling her the most. I can also see how far she has come in her own process despite the times when things were going down hill fast. I think once both people can get to a place where they can adjust and adapt to this process better....things start to improve and look up if this can happen.

After my wife and I left our T's office on the way home....we talked a little more about this and I came up with yet another one of my analogies. lol I told my wife to picture holding a plate loaded with food on it and you are holding it one hand and keeping it from tipping and spilling. As long as you are paying attention (enough) to what you are doing and keeping the plate level....everything is Okay and you don't lose anything. But the second that concentration gets broken and you are not watching it.....you will eventually lose of drop the plate or something on it and this is inevitable since we have to do this all day long 24/7. There's no way to think about you and me at the same time all the time and not slip and go into hyper focus or get distracted enough where the connection or concentration gets broken but....the more you practice at it....the better you get and fewer mistakes you make.

If you think about the food on the plate representing the moments when you appear not to care or are being self absorbed or selfish appearing....I think this is a good analogy to use in this. The better you get at balancing that plate with food on it all day everyday.....the more you get use to doing it and it doesn't feel like it's such a burden or so much effort to do.....but you have to try and you have to make sure you are doing this the right way. You need to learn HOW to balance the plate first before you can start practicing at it and applying it when this will really start making a difference.

Like I said....first things first, one thing at a time in the right order. That's the key.

PS....that stress and anxiety will completely blow this process out of the water...the plate will fall and everything with it and you won't even be able to pick up and balance it until you get that under control. That's what you are experiencing now and that's what I was saying to you about this...being somewhat normal too. Stress and anxiety are your biggest obstacles in this process.

It sounds like you are trying, kudos

Submitted by Emily1997 on Tue, 08/11/2015 - 12:28

I don't think you are a bad person, I don't think your wife is a bad person. I believe at one time you both looked at each other in a loving way. The ADHD and the marital problems are making you see each other differently. I think both of you need to cope w/ the ADHD. She may need help to heal from dealing with you and you need to heal from beating yourself up (guilt) so you can be okay with each other again. The non ADHD person sometimes almost has to build an emotional wall to deal w/ things (this is not an excuse for abuse) and the ADHD partners has an emotional reader that can be unreliable. What if her anger is covering her fears? Help her find the tools she needs while you find the tools you need. I'm so glad to see you taking an active role in the solution. A good book we read lately re. emotional connection, fears, anger is Hold Me Tight. Was the counseling someone who has experience w/ ADHD/marriage? I think this matters.

ADHD and Marriage

Learn to thrive in your relationship

Menu

Upcoming seminars & support groups

News

Comments