So... we're not even married yet, and I am trying to make sure we don't end up falling apart later when the courtship is over and the toilet breaks... I can see how this will be challenging at times. I'm a pragmatist and very linear in thinking, and he's... not.
My sweetie can fix anything. He's brilliant. But I have already learned that, if he doesn't really enjoy it or isn't challenged by it, he will put it off and put it off... so I feel like my choices under the circumstances are (1) Leave repairs and projects undone, (2) Do them myself if I am able, or (3) Hire someone. Unfortunately, he gets offended at the mere suggestion of my doing it or hiring someone. I'm not trying to be offensive. I'm just trying to get work done on the house that needs to be done. I've tried to explain to him that I know he doesn't want to do those things and that he has plenty of other things to worry about (although he is only working part time and I don't relate because I have two jobs and get a lot done at the house - sigh... need to accept him as he is...). Once he's said he is going to do something he seems to think I should just wait for him to do it and not even suggest helping or getting help.
For those of you who have been around this a while, how do I get things done without offending him?
Thank you!
Your focus
Submitted by repeat that please on
If he were to describe fearlessly life with you so far and share what he finds to be your faults/weaknesses/things which aggravate him, what do you think he would offer? I ask not because I am condemning you for sharing your struggles with him. I ask because I have huge, big, fat, juicy blind spots. My own stuff, my personality, my ego and way of doing things, leave much to be desired. I have begun to learn in baby steps how my stuff pushes her stuff around. Most of the time I am right, I am justified, I am on top of my game and HER faults are what need changing. UNTIL, until, I am forced (pretty much hogtied) into taking her perspectives into account. Holy Cow! That's how you see your big, loving main squeeze? Are you kidding?
"Two sides to every story" has more truth than I know. IOW, what am I doing or who am I in the eyes of my mate that she finds unattractive/repulsive/annoying? Do I see myself through objective lenses? What if I am provoking in her the very behavior I find so upsetting (albeit unconsciously)? I don't have the answers, obviously, but for me it's been easy to quit when struggles continued past what I wanted or thought I could tolerate, especially when consumed with ulterior motives or addictions. Plus, I fall for the grass is always greener bull like a child.
I'm learning that I can change the cast but not the script and whatever it is, I always want more.
Don't let it get difficult....
Submitted by c ur self on
Control....He feels like he is loosing control when you step forward and press him for completion, jump to doing it yourself, or hiring someone to come in and charge dollars for what he can do....He see's this as disrespect.....
What he knows is this....If you start it, and mess it up, he will have more work to do than if you would have just left it for him...He also know's if you jump into it, and find it's not something you can do, it will force him to bail you out, and fix it when he had already told you he would do it on his time table....He see's a handy man as a complete waste of money....For simple tasks he has and can do...(common sense stuff for mechanically minded males (and many females).....
Now do I agree with him....Yes and No....LOL....But if it's handled correctly you can solve it....This type thing takes you setting him down and explaining that you understand his feelings (the things I just told you above)....And you must be patient and respectful in making him understand you don't think like him, and that you and your feelings are just as important as his is....There must be respect for differences, and boundaries in every relationship...Or it's 100 times better to walk away now.... We all have a right to make, and do make **Personal Choices** based on our view of life, and what we feel is good for each of us...
So if you play the I'm different card here (which is fine, you are different) you will have to be sure you are OK with his boundaries....It would be completely unfair of you, to start this project, not be able to finish, and then try to involve him....Also if you deem it so important,, that you decide to hire it done....You need first do what I told you, make sure he know's your decision isn't about him at all, and that you are doing it all, the scheduling, the paying and clean up, for one reason only....Because to you (the way you think) it's money well spent to control it....(Control it, as in not having to deal with the hardship you are suffering by waiting for him to decide when he can get to it...)
If you do this, it never needs to be mentioned again, thrown up to him in an argument, etc....What that say's to him is....***Because you don't think like me, because you don't live by my priorities, then you are inferior!*** And if that happened, that would be why....
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate....I might try to lovingly encourage it from time to time, and tell him you will run errands, and be his helper if he will set a time to do the work....
Blessings
c
Well... some of this...
Submitted by DawnG on
He actually knows I won't work on anything I will mess up... and he knows I am capable of a lot. I realize it is natural to assume a bride is a young, inexperienced woman. I am an old spinster. I have been doing for myself for over three decades, and he has seen my work around the house. In fact, he often borrows my tools to finish jobs. Thank goodness he prefers his circular saw to my miter saw... I would hate for it to be left out in the rain like he does with his tools.
I am still learning to accept his limitations even when I don't understand them. This is new to me, and I'm nearly 50. Change takes time, and frankly, I'm the one saddled with changing since he doesn't acknowledge the problem even exists. I have quit nagging after reading the ADHD marriage book. I realized I needed to change to keep from causing problems in the first place. But I will not live in a home where the plumbing doesn't work properly. I just like to think there must be a happy medium between waiting 15 years for the shower to be fixed and splitting up over it. Seems like a silly thing to let go that far. I love him, he loves me. We need to find a way to work through this like adults.
Dawn, I've lived with this for years
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My ADHD husband is the same. He believes he can fix anything, and is an excellent handyman. He isn't. He too, has always fought calling in a repairman for most things, which is just silly actually. I wish you could walk through our house. It's filled with "projects" and fix-its, that are still in the process of being completed. Now, he wants to sell the house, but it's going to take several thousand to get it back to its original state, which we don't have. I can't physically keep up with the messiness, chaos and undone projects any more, so they sit undone. I like a clean house, he lives creating constant mess, but one person can not do the majority of the "unfun"things, and be expected to be at the whims of an unsettled mind.
We've been married almost 36 years, and he was diagnosed about 13-14 years ago. He takes Concerta but doesn't go to behavioral counseling, and doesn't care to read anything about his own condition. Denial. Many of us here are the spouses of those who stay in denial of their ADHD symptoms. Would we marry them again, if we knew then what we know now? Most would say no.
The denial carries over to every part of their lives, and we are the ones scrambling trying to figure out how to live alone in a relationship that requires two people. It's hard as heck, and many of our own needs go unmet. It's just the way it is, when there is denial. It's not the ADH D doing this, it's their denial of how the symptoms affect others that is causing the struggles. So, I urge you strongly to rethink the relationship of he continues to stay in denial.
What the others are saying about boundaries is right. The spouses who have ADHDers in denial must have them, otherwise we'd be run over most of the time. I wish there was a way to help someone "see" their denial. There isn't. Even Melody who wrote the book you read, talks about this. She had a gentleman she counseled tell her this, "I wish someone other than my wife would have hit me upside the head about this". (It's in her book) But he only learned after he experienced years of negative fallout from unchecked ADHD symptoms.( he didn't want his wife to say anything about it) Avoidance.
Avoidance is what goes along with denial. This won't change. The "go to" behavior is to avoid whatever is causing them some form of discomforrt, which can be many things, including us.
Anyway, this avoidance and denial will present itself in most areas until he learns about ADH D symptoms. I wish I could offer you advice, but those of us here are here because we have tried everything possible to have a "partner" relationship and could not, from ADHD denial and avoidance. We've had to learn our own "coping" strategies, and use boundaries. Anyway, I got offbase. Sorry.
I'm not trying to be ugly here, or be heartless of your feelings. I do understand how much you love this person. We've all been there too. They're loveable people. I just wish I had known about the severity of ADH D denial early on, and it's still not talked about enough. I wish you well, and hope you continue learning about it, even if he doesn't. YouTube has several experts that have great talks. Dr. Russell Barkley is one of these.
Yes u do dawn....and u can....If?
Submitted by c ur self on
I was 50 my wife was 46 when we married....She had never been married....(I had lost my first wife of 30 years w/ breast cancer) She has add in a big way...I probably have it also...(never tested)....That was 11 years ago...I worked in maintenance/engineering (local hospital) for 38 years...She is still there as a lab Scientist....
She is very independent, very messy, etc....I am much more organized, and like you take very good care of my things....We are very different....The only way to work through that is total respect, and total acceptance of one another....(we fought most of those 11 years)....Until I decided (really decided! ) that we both deserve to live out our lives in Peace....And we had found no way for that to happen long tern.....
So I wrote my response to you about respect and boundaries because I don't want you to suffer as we did......The reason your BF and my wife never SEE the problem with the situations is because they aren't the ones being intruded on....(except emotionally, as we battle for them to see the effect they have on us)...The one who has chosen to live with a person they would never emulate in life, is always the one who has to change...So acceptance isn't about agreement or giving in...It's about not pretending a Zebra has no strips....Denial of reality!....Human love want fix or change what people think is RIGHT for them......It also can't change thought patterns....
Like I said, you need to calmly set down (do it with a counselor if you want accountability, no arguments later...I didn't say that! etc...) and tell him your boundaries....This is how I'm going to live my life....Your convictions, your feelings about life management (house cleaning, house repair, financial management, intimacy, etc. etc..)....Carnal Love will never make us anything close in those area's..... There has to be acceptance, submission and respect for difference's before Love has a chance....
Best wishes....Been there, there now......
c
Also a pragmatist
Submitted by adhd32 on
This is a common situation that has no easy solution. My H is mechanically inclined but not very skilled with things that require finesse such as painting, woodwork, or moulding. He is always going to "get around" to doing things. First, because in his head he thinks he should be able to do a thing and second because he doesn't want to spend money on things he "can" do. I suspect it is macho thing too. This has been a big issue for our entire 37 year marriage. The problem is he cannot admit that something is beyond his abilities and he either keeps trying something and makes things worse or he loses patience and just abandons things altogether.
If I start a project he had promised to tackle months or years ago he gets mad and says "You couldn't wait?". How long am I supposed to wait? Even meaningless tasks that I take care of, which he promised to do, dredge up irritation in him. For example we had about 8 gallon size paint cans with leftover paint from various projects done over the years that needed to be disposed of. I got sick of stepping around them while doing laundry and asked him many times to take care of them. I stopped asking because every conversation would start a fight and end with: I"ll do it, I"ll take care of it,..... I finally had enough and went to the home improvement store and picked up packets of the additive to congeal the paint so it could be put in the trash, per our town garbage rules. He arrived home one day to find me stirring in the stuff and he went ballistic screaming "I told you I would do it"! I replied that it hasn't happened in 15 years, I cannot wait another day...sorry.
We have friends who are very handy and focused who did their own professional looking renovations to their home. Our home needed a new kitchen since the first day we bought it. Years passed and he had this fantasy that some of these handy friends would just step up and volunteer to "help" him. Meanwhile, he has never volunteered to assist anyone one with anything, even when a very good friend had flood damage that was not covered by insurance and needed help ripping out damaged walls.
So we finally save enough money and decide to have a contractor renovate our kitchen. All the hints my H was dropping to the guys at BBQs were ignored and H finally took the hint and realized he was in over his head on doing his own remodel. My H was so rude to the contractor, I wondered at the beginning of each day if the man would come back. The contractor eventually just worked with me because H was just such an ass to him. We did another project with this man and again H was so rude even my kids commented about his behavior.
H always has big dreams and plans but most do not come to fruition. At this point he can get mad all he likes, I refuse to live in a hovel. He tries to insult me by saying that I'm miss picky and I have too high standards. I am pretty sure wanting a clean modern home is not unusual. I suppose any standard is too high when someone has none.
Hiring a handyman
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, DawnG,
I've lived the same situation for many, many years. My husband can fix pretty much anything. Some things never get started, some things never get finished, and some are done badly as a 'temporary' fix that never gets revisited. One of our regular arguments was about when he was going to do or finish household projects he planned to do. He went wild at the thought I would hire out anything he can do.
I am good at fixing things. In the past, I did some repairs when my husband was not around. He sometimes didn't even seem to notice the repairs were done, and he never mentioned them. Part of his reluctance for me to do repairs was his fear I would damage his tools. He notices if I hang a pair of pliers on the pegboard facing the other side out from how he had them hanging. Sometimes he used to give me the third degree about what I did with tools that he thought I'd touched.
What changed? Many things. I've gotten more tolerant of some of the temporary repairs that never become permanent. We are better at discussing things, so we have fewer arguments. In addition, my husband has somehow come to the realization that he does not have to do everything personally. He feels it is ok to hire out things he doesn't want to do. He does not see it as a failure on his part.
I realize part of our more recent success is there is less heat when we discuss things. I was resentful at having to live with things in disrepair or 'temporary' repairs that were never revisited. I'm sure some of my resentment came through when I asked about the undone jobs, and then my husband became angry and defensive.
All I can suggest is you choose a calm time to talk to your boyfriend about the general topic. If he's like my husband, he will demand specifics - what is it I promised to do and did not do? Give me a list! etc. And he will try to deflect the conversation by picking a fight. If so, stay calm. Be a good listener, really try to practice active listening, and see if you can get him to do the same. Out of the conversation, maybe you can reach some better agreement. It can be to plan some time to do a couple of pending repairs together, or you may help him be able to say there is something he really does not like to do, and he's ok hiring it out. That's the short run, a step at a time. Keep up the conversation at calm times, so things don't fall apart in the future over a broken toilet.
All the best,
Angie
Temporary permanent fixes
Submitted by DawnG on
Sometimes I wish he believed in temporary fixes! LOL! He turns every project into something ten times harder than it needs to be. Mom asked him to put in a French drain in front of her house because the driveway (which is really long) drains down into the front path and sometimes water comes up on her front deck. He began to lay out plans to build a stone retaining wall all the way up the driveway, put in a drainage ditch in the form of a waterfall with a bridge over it, and on and on... she wanted a 15 foot French drain. Now she's not getting anything because he's mad we won't let him relandscape 2 acres of property. I try to have a sense of humor about his grandiose projects, but it makes it that much harder to get anything done.
I think your current solution may be the only one!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I feel like my choices under the circumstances are (1) Leave repairs and projects undone, (2) Do them myself if I am able, or (3) Hire someone.
Hi there, Dawn. I am in a similar situation, though my husband doesn't have a lot of talent with fixing things - he can definitely handle household repairs when he wants to (is interested/eager). When he is interested and sees a project through, that's great. Since that is more than often not the case, your 1, 2, 3 solution is pretty much what I have come to in the course of 20 years of marriage. There are some things I have learned to let go. There are many things I have learned I can do myself. There are many times I have hired, despite my husband's hurt feelings and protests about spending the money. My feelings matter just as much as his and some things need doing, plain and simple.
I guess to answer your question, you may not be able to get around it without offending him. But he may also take less and less offense over time as he gets used to you hiring or doing certain things yourself. You may also be able to set limits... "I am happy for you to fix this, sweetie, but if it's not done in two weeks, I am calling someone." And then do it. Then he'll know you mean it so when he really wants to do something himself, he will.
There is no easy way, really, without some self-awareness on the other side (that's not a judgment about your situation, but rather a commentary on my own!).
I spent many years so concerned with hurting my husband's feelings. Then I realized that I was taking on all the pain and stress to spare his. I ended up resentful and unhappy. Likely if you assert yourself in a kind way early and let him nurse his own occasionally-hurt feelings you will save yourself more pain down the road. Just my experience. :)
Give him twice his time estimate then hire someone outside
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
As an experiment, I agree that you should 1) discuss with your ADHDer a moderate project and find out if he is interested in taking on the project 2) If he is interested, ask him for a time frame within which he thinks he can get it done 3) Ask him to agree that if the project is not completed in twice the time estimate he gave you then you are free to hire someone to do it / complete it.
I don't have high hopes for easy completion but I think it gives both parties reasonable accommodation for their ways of looking at the world.
I think Melody has a great idea here....
Submitted by c ur self on
(You may also be able to set limits... "I am happy for you to fix this, sweetie, but if it's not done in two weeks, I am calling someone." And then do it. Then he'll know you mean it so when he really wants to do something himself, he will.)
This example of Melody's to me is a good one....It's obvious us men can be sensitive to our wive's ideas or wants, for many reasons...To name a few...(male thing, baggage, selfish, controlling, or angry about other things)...This exact scenario has happened with us a few times over our 10 years of marriage...I've read all these posts on this thread, and searched my heart for the truth of why I feel like I do about this dynamic....
We all have many of the same issues on this site...So it's really good in my opinion to hear your experiences.....I'm going to attempt to honestly state why I feel offended by my wife's wishes when it comes to these instances.....
1) She puts very little energy into being a good steward of our house....Mostly she causes me a lot extra work...So it has been extremely difficult for me to respond in a positive fashion (hear her) when she starts down her honey do list....Which she doesn't do very often these days....She has become more aware of her messes and hoarding, and how it effects me....
2) I have a problem with trust, when it comes to things I know I should handle....Also it's my own guilt at times that causes me pain in this area...I just have a problem not focusing on the fact I'm forced to live with a wife, who has little to no convictions to give of herself in this marriage....That makes it very hard to be energetic toward her wants, when she is so independently selfish and lazy in all things marriage related....
3) I also have a little of the husband disease to some degree...."He will help others, but, I can't get him to do anything at home"....Ouch, that one hurt....:)...My first wife of 30 years thought this too....And she didn't have add...She was OCD....:)...So it must be true!
4) The last time my wife was trying to get me to do a job in the home; Upgrade the bathroom...New paint, new appliance's and install towel racks etc....I jumped right on it....Of course I agreed w/ her;)...But when she got home she didn't like the paint color...So I told her I wasn't touching it until she went to pick out the paint she wanted, and I would repaint and install the appliances...So two years goes by (appliances laying on the floor in one of the spare rooms) She finally brings it up again....I told her, she never went and picked out the paint....So she decided she was fine with bright paint I used on the walls....So she started in on me...I'm going to do it myself!! Me...Fine, just let me know when you start, I'm leaving....I'm going to hire it out...Me...No your not, when they come, I want allow them in the house...LOL....So finally she did what I wanted....She got nice and respectful...She said if you will just do the work, I will run errands, and I will be your helper....So I agreed....I had to cut the water off outside, and replace valves, new water lines, new faucets, new bath tub stems and handles...New towel racks on the walls and bathroom door....It took several hours and she did what she said....She ran errands, picked out the bathroom handles etc....She was proud of her new looking bathroom faucets....She was also very very glad, she didn't tackle it...LOL....I want my wife to be happy, but, I also want her to invest....She is the type who will use you up, without a thought...But that day she understood....
This is honesty, this isn't excuses....I know I should be kind, and work with my wife....But living with a spouse who puts no energy into the marriage, (just her selfish desires) Makes it very difficult to focus my attention on just my responsibilities in the marriage....I'm basically her spousal alarm clock....It's tiring....I mostly just do every thing myself around the house (I don't hate it as bad as she does)....Except sex...I still reminder about twice a week... LOL...
The reason I like Melody's comment is because it covers everything.....It covers being nice....It covers being thoughtful....But it also emphasis the reality that both partners are of equal importance....I probably would fuss about it a little (feeling cornered)...But there is nothing that gets me going like....Her sharing in the work, and a respectful and kind attitude....:)
c
Hey--that was great
Submitted by repeat that please on
Thanks C! Related, laughed, enjoyed.
I don't know. My husband
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I don't know. My husband installed custom blinds and shutters for a living before he changed careers. When my daughter was 6 years old I asked him to hang a pair of curtains in her room. Six years later the curtains were still in their original packaging on her window sill and she didn't like the curtains anymore. Kinda like the shoemaker's children. I would say set a deadline of x date, ask him once to do it by x date and if it isn't done by then just hire someone. As my sister in law says, A man will get the job done. There is no need to remind him every 6 months. :snark: Her husband is a general contractor and can't find the time to fix the rotting floor in the mudroom or fix her closet door that doesn't shut properly
They say we are intuitive
Submitted by repeat that please on
My eyesight stinks. I have difficulty reading the small print in the text box when I type.
Honestly reading all these
Submitted by kal11 on
Honestly reading all these gave me a little chuckle and then made me want to cry I've only been married two years and we've been in our new house for one year, this house needs a bunch of Reno's. I did not know my husband had ADHD before buying this house now I regret it, I to am told I am being a perfectionist and want everything to be nice and modern again I think this is a defensive mechanism to just avoid doing anything (I don't think this is an abnormal request) we've been working on a deck since June and now it's November, I have to ask constantly if he's going to finish it and it's always yeah next weekend we'll now its close to winter and we're running out of time. It's hard for me because my dad is a handyman and he has lost a lot of respect for my husband because my dad always has to finish up stuff for us because I ask him to or else it's never done. I also have thought about hiring a handyman and I've also thought about just moving into a house that's brand new with nothing big needing to be done (have you considered this ideas?) I know it's not a great solution but for me I'm trying to create less stress for myself and the more projects I see left undone the more frustration anger and anxiety I have. Does this get better with medications and treatment or is this always a problem? My husband is not currently treating his ADHD so I think I'm just holding onto the hope that once he does things will improve and if he doesn't well we might have to get divorced because I can't and won't live my entire life compromising my wants and needs because my husband is incapable of treating or acknowlaging the damage he is doing to our relationship.