Our house is for sale. I am cleaning, fixing, organizing all around the house inside and out. And getting things ready for company for the 4th of July. He said he is going to plant potatoes today. Our garage and sheds are messy and dirty with mounds of stuff that needs to be thrown out and cleaned out. He is in the woods pulling out an area of grasses and weeds slowly as though he has nothing else better to do in the world, like he is appreciating each and every plant - making piles and piles of weeds. He said he is making a place to PLANT A POTATO PATCH!!!!!
I believe he devotes ALL his thoughts and free time to making himself FEEL good at the moment. He doesn't permit himself discomfort of applying himself toward ANYTHING that is not fun at the moment. Not even to make a plan or conversation about things that matter. It is ALL diversions. games, puzzles, drinking, smoking, hours of shooting the breeze, tv, radio, driving around, ...... seems to me like he is giving himself the "Life of Riley" while I take care of our life. I have come to realize that talking, negotiating or reasoning has no affect on his actions or thoughts or feelings. He is planting potatoes....or maybe that is a lie and he just wants to be out of the house doing his own thing without any real purpose....he lies a lot and there is too much to do. When I am with him, I have no voice, not even an existence to him other than an annoyance to his blissful planet where he lives alone.
I would rather be walking along the lake appreciating the sun and water and sand....just enjoying the day and loving life without any cares. I would like to be walking with someone I love and share a life with. But I am doing HIS stuff while he plants potatoes which you can buy so cheap in the store.....I am not to bother him while he is in his solitary blissful intention.
I am in this "marriage" alone.
The maddening part is that I get the impression from him that he feels SUPERIOR to me because he knows how to ENJOY life and makes ENJOYMENT a priority. Then he should not have bought this big house that we must sell now. But there is no planning or thinking about the future.....just happy, happy, joy, joy.....for himself.
I can really identify with
Submitted by frustratedwife on
I can really identify with what you are saying, especially when you said he is living the life of Riley while you take care of your life. I feel the same way...its up to me to make sure everything goes smoothly, bills get paid, food is on the table, etc. And i have to hear from him that i am uptight and don't know bow to enjoy life. How can i when i'm working myself to death and taking all the responsibility? And then there are always new problems because of him being irresponsible. I have had to pay out fines and late fees so many times to get him out of trouble. I'm angry and it shows daily. I don't know how to stop being angry at a grown man who acts like a child and dumps all his responsibilities and problems on me.
ONG
Submitted by amerz1 on
Before I knew about ADHD.....and OCD......
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Years ago, I told my H that we needed to "clean house" for dinner guests that would be coming over later that day. He agreed to help out. the typical things needed to done.....dinner prep, clean bathrooms, dust, vacuum, put away any clutter, clean kitchen, set table, etc.,
I started cleaning and soon I wondered where he was and what he was doing. I thought he might be cleaning up the front yard (sweeping leaves or something). But, no.....he had backed the cars out of the garage and was washing them. ??? Why? the guests wouldn't see/use the cars. The cars would be in the garage all night. (and they weren't dirty anyway!!)
At the time, I was annoyed and told him so. He couldn't understand why. He just kept saying, "I wanted to wash the cars." I am the "logical one", so I kept saying, but we need to clean the HOUSE because that is what the guests will see. My words went in one ear and out the other.
NOw, that I know about ADHD and OCD, I realize that H became focused on the cars, maybe that week, and was determined (compelled compulsion) to wash the cars.....no matter what else needed to be done. In fact, if something had truly pulled him away from that (an injury requiring a trip to the emergency room) he would have been annoyed/deeply disturbed that he hadn't been able to wash the cars.
Now I understand. At the time, I just thought he was nuts.
Being focused on something
Submitted by dedelight4 on
OverwhelmedWife, I had to smile when I read this. (not laughing at you, I've just I've lived this A LOT) My ADHD husband will plan certain activities he thinks he should do, several days in advance, (like cleaning out the garage) and he will verbally obsess about it every day, several TIMES a day, until the day arrives. If anything should come up that should cancel or delay what he was planning, he REALLY gets upset and will complain the rest of the day. This happens with many, many things. But, most of the time whatever the "thing" is, that he has planned......he only does HALF of it, but then brags to everyone about how he did SUCH AND SUCH....as if he did THE WHOLE THING. It's been interesting to watch.
But, if HE changes his activities after "obsessing", it's NO BIG DEAL, even if it was something I was really HOPING he would do. It only becomes a problem if me or someone ELSE alters his plans. It's weird, but I guess it's an ADHD thing. LOL
Yes!!!!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
And if my H does finally do a chore...say cleaning out the garage....he will ,later act like he did it on a weekly basis....rather than the one or two time chore that he did.
My H will also obsess over something I said that I was going to do. For instance....say that it's Thursday and I say, "tomorrow, I am going to clean up the back yard. I'm going to work on the lawn, weed, and plant some flowers."
Then, on Friday morning , if one of our kids woke up very sick, and I had to spend the day at the doctors office and taking care of a sick child, later on my H will complain and complain that I "broke my promise" to work on the yard.'
First of all....there was no promise. Iw as just thinking aloud....trying to plan the next day.
Secondly....what is wrong with him that he's not able to process in his head the fact that his wife had to take their sick child to the doctor and then take care of the sick child...so there was no time to do the yard???
He will go on and on about me "breaking the promise." .....and there was no promise.
So, I'll just say, "from now on, I'm not going to mention what I plan on doing the next day since you can't understand that when something else "comes up", plans will change." So, now, I either keep plans to myself....OR.....I very carefully say things like: "if nothing else comes up, then....." or "I would like to get XXX done tomorrow, but I just can't be sure I'll be able to do that."
I have to keep things VAGUE