Submitted by Dagmar on 09/21/2015.
There's a lot of back story here, but this weekend I took the kids to my friends house 8 hours away so that my husband could finish some projects left over from a disastrous professional remodel that was left unfinished 3 years and $80,000 ago.
He had 4 days to paint the kitchen and some trimwork, build a railing for the back porch, and scrub and seal the kitchen floor. That was all I was expecting him to do, but we discussed a few other small things he could do. I figured that he'd have a hard time with the porch railing so I didn't expect him to more than that.
Now, my mom had already primed most of the kitchen except for the ceiling and knowing that my husband finishes nothing, I primed and put one coat of paint on the trim.
We had this planned for at least a month since he was taking the time off work. Shortly before I left I noticed that he had scheduled his band to play a show the weekend we were leaving. I told him I was concerned that I was going to a lot of effort to give him time to finish this stuff and he was going to do other stuff. He acted like I was unreasonable. Friday I called him and he was at band practice. He posted a ton of stuff on Facebook on Saturday. I got worried and texted asking if he was getting a lot accomplished and he just replied "yes."
Sunday he told me he lost his phone so I knew he was drunk the day before and wasn't going to get anything finished. When he finally found it Sunday night, I asked him to let me know what to expect when I got home, because I was worried. He flipped out because he had worked really hard and nothing was good enough for me. I asked him again if he finished anything and he said that he had run out of primer and didn't paint the kitchen ceiling.
When I got home, he had put the last coat of paint on the outside of the pantry doors. Not the inside, not the trim. He did paint the trim around the kitchen door and the door itself. He did not put the second coat on any of the other trim. He painted the kitchen walls, but not where we may put a backsplash. So he basically painted the wall at the top of the cabinets.
He didn't touch the porch railing. He decided to seal the concrete on the patio instead, but didn't have enough supplies to finish it.
Instead he painted the hallway, but only one coat because he wanted to know what I thought of it first. And he touched up some unfinished places in the hallway, but not all.
I'm furious. He didn't finish anything. But he says he worked really hard and I'm unreasonable so I can't be mad.
Oh, and he's going out of town for work for a week today so this will never be finished. What do I do?
No paragraphs!
Submitted by Dagmar on
Messes and things undone
Submitted by jennalemone on
I started getting quotes for jobs that H says he will do for YEARS but has never gotten to. Now he is too old and his truck he had to have which would be needed to haul things for this project has been sitting in the garage for over 10 years not working holding garbage. I too have tried to put everything out and planned for him but that just made me kind of mad and he would not finish at the end anyhow. The last job I had quoted out, H said he could do that in a weekend and he would start right away. From past experience, I knew it would take him YEARS and we would be looking at rubbish and a job half done until I had someone come and finish it. When I told him I would rather just find someone to do it, he was FURIOUS at me for not trusting him. haha. Why don't I just go ahead and have it done? I am afraid of his anger and hate. I don't believe a spouse should go ahead with plans that both do not agree on. He already is slamming doors and things in the house and not speaking to me. Again I am paralyzing myself because of his inability to cooperate or negotiate or talk.
Sometimes H likes to play the loveable foolish oaf. That act has worn very thin.
So what do you do?
Submitted by Dagmar on
When I told him I would rather just find someone to do it, he wa
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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When I told him I would rather just find someone to do it, he was FURIOUS at me for not trusting him. haha.
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I got so TIRED of having H tell me that I don't "trust" his promises to get something done. So....I came up with a new statement based on whatever words that he "promised."
For instance, if he "promises" that he will repair my dryer by Sunday, I now say (and write down on put on the fridge): "I trust that Bob will fix my dryer by Sunday as he has absolutely promised, and he can trust me that I will make good of my promise to call a repair person on Monday if the dryer isn't working by midnight on Sunday regardless of any other reason or excuse. No time extensions will be given to either spouse to fulfill their promise ." I put a date on it.
Putting it in "black and white" makes it "more real" to them. Otherwise, their "promises" are just verbal garbage to put us off and to buy more time. The proof is there that you trusted them to "make good" of their promise, and now it's your turn that they must trust you to make good on YOUR promise. H tried to beg for more time once, and I said, "you need to trust that I will do what I promised. I promised that I would call a repair person on Monday if it wasn't fixed. You need to trust me on that." (whoops! lol)
For me, the written paper either motivates H to do what he's promised, or if he doesn't, it allows me to do what I need to do without any more of the "trust me" BS. In our case, either H wouldn't work on the project at all, or he would procrastinate and procrastinate saying that "it will only take 20 minutes to fix", and during the 11th hour he'd start, realize that it's taking him 5 hours to fix and he doesn't have the right part, and then it doesn't get done. Sometimes, he would quickly fix it and then fine. He kept his promise. But, most of the time, he doesn't.
I also keep those "promises" and mark on them what the result was....item got fixed or repair person came out. Having that paper trail is power. I also take a photo of each paper in case H were to destroy any of them.
Writing down the promises. Genious!
Submitted by jennalemone on
Defense/offense seems to be a mode of operation for some of our spouses. Even for the daring of our talking about projects around the house which should just be a back and forth and negotiation and planning. Just in this little thread, by our ADHD spouses:
2 of us have been called untrustworthy
1 of us has been called unreasonable
1 of us has been called annoying
Last week H yelled, "Why are you so OBSESSED in getting this project done? MUST you have it your way RIGHT THIS MINUTE?" I have been mentioning the need for this home improvement for years. There is a ceiling about to fall down.
When I was young, I would have become introspective after being called obsessed and I would have backed down and examined how I am obsessed. Now I say back to him, "I am not OBSESSED. I am simply saying that this needs to be done. I have been saying I would like this done for quite a long time now. I am saying that you have a list of things that you say you promise to do and I am saying that I will contract someone to do this project that I would like to have done." His response is slamming and cussing.
Overshelmed, I LOVE your solution....putting it in writing and posting it. I will definately do that in the future. Then it is their choice to not do it by the promised time and I will get my own self respect and possibly a needed respect from them after we follow through with OUR promises to take action ourselves.
Keeping calendared records is very important....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
because it is such a memory-less system with many of those with ADHD, accountability is important. That's why I don't have H use cash for purchases....no record.
When our kids were little, H would go golfing a LOT on weekends. This was in addition to his 3 day a week gym visit and his 2 day a week golf league.
The weekend golf tended to be every 2-4 weeks...occasionally a few weekends in a row. But, no matter how often, H would say, "I haven't been (weekend) golfing in 6 weeks". I would say, "no, you went 2 weekends ago," and then there would be an argument because he'd INSIST that he hadn't gone in 6 weeks. The calendar record was PERFECT. He tried a few times to say, "6 weeks" (and he REALLY did believe that!), and I'd show him his most recent tee time.
It's funny.....In H's mind, time is always in his favor (not!). He'll either claim it's been 6 weeks (always the magical 6 weeks) since he got to do something fun, or he'll claim that I just went to the church Bunco group last week (when we ALWAYS meet the first Monday of the month, and he would say that each time I would go. "You just went last week!"....''No, Bunco is always the first Monday of the month.....it's been a month!
" lol
So, I started marking on the calendar (including the name of the course).
Agreed ... take back your power
Submitted by YorkshireLass on
The big issue is the sense of things spinning out of control and always facing the same issues and jobs undone/promises unkept over and over again, with a new stupid intelligence insulting excuse attached to it. Its amazing how angry I get reading these posts and knowing exactly how you feel because I feel it too. It can't be healthy for us.
Last week H yelled, "Why are you so OBSESSED in getting this pro
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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Last week H yelled, "Why are you so OBSESSED in getting this project done? MUST you have it your way RIGHT THIS MINUTE?" I have been mentioning the need for this home improvement for years. There is a ceiling about to fall down.
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lol..."right this minute"
I think I would have said something like, "You're right. I would be demanding my own way if I was expecting _____ to be done "right his minute." That would be just selfish and unreasonable. BUT....that chore has needed attention since 2011 (or whenever) and we've talked about it many times between then and now. However, if you want to change your words to: "do you have to get your way right this DECADE," then I'll own that. Yes, I do want my own way, 'right this decade".
and then just smile.
Brilliant.
Submitted by YorkshireLass on
Usable idea.
overwhelmed....also LOVE your idea.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Dear Overwhelmed, I read your post and absolutely LOVED your idea of putting a contract IN WRITING, to where neither can get out of the deal. LOVE IT. I have gone through this same scenario, over and over AND OVER again. ADHD husband will NOT hire anyone to fix things that usually "he has broken". I have a HUGE list of things around the house that are broken and/or need to be repaired. The yard is such a mess it's an EMBARASMENT, and I know our neighbors have to be disgusted at how our yard looks.
My daughter and I try to hire things out, and he GETS FURIOUS, yells at us and says it's wasting money and "we can't afford it". But, we can't AFFORD him "repairing" things, that get broken AGAIN in short order, and/ or he doesn't get the right part, which then takes ten trips to the store to get, Then "whatever" doesn't get fixed right ANYWAY. He broke the folding doors on our laundry area the first few months in our new house, IT'S NOW BEEN TEN YEARS, and he still hasn't fixed them. I offered to hire a handyman, and he said, 'That will only take a few minutes to fix, and I'm going to get to it this weekend". He says that every TIME. When he mows the yard, (he won't let anyone else mow it) he only mows HALF OF THE YARD, then says, "I'll get to the rest later, or next time". But, later and "the next time" turn out to be 6 weeks later, or NEVER, until it's so bad NO ONE can stand it anymore.
His "office" area, is an ENTIRE FAMILY ROOM, filled to the brim with music stuff, books, THE COMPUTER SPACE CONSOLE, and JUNK. You can't walk in there, let alone sit down anywhere. The stairs and the room haven't been dusted in over a YEAR, and I refuse to do it. He won't let me ANYWAY, but you get the idea.
But, now he is looking for a new job, and wants to sell the house. WE CAN'T SELL IT LIKE THIS, AND IT'S GOING TO TAKE A FORTUNE to fix this up, and get it ready (our house is only 11 years old. (it's still new), but it looks like it's 50 years old because it's not being taken care of. I USED to do it, but can't anymore because I'm now physically disabled due to 3 ruptured discs in my spine. (constant pain and hard to walk)
So, I AM GOING TO USE YOUR METHOD TO GET OUR HOUSE IN SHAPE TO SELL. IT'S GOING TO BE THE ONLY WAY TO DO THIS. Thank you for such a wonderful idea.
My Life
Submitted by SunshineSC on
I like the suggestion of putting it in writing! Sounds exactly like my life. I have a ceiling fan about to fall on my head in the kitchen. Maybe he will take me or the kids to the hospital when our skulls are cracked open waiting for him to get it done "like he has promised already 100 times".