I've reached such a strange point in our marriage. Husband (suspected ADHD inattentive type) still hasn't been able to get an official diagnoses as it is really difficult to get an appointment and also hasn't found a therapist as it is also difficult (although I suspect he hasn't tried consistently), so while he agrees that he has the condition, and also is trying in his own way and things are better on the surface, I'm starting to wonder if the damage is simply too big to overcome in our marriage. He is a really good human being, and I love him for his excellent character and for always trying hard, but he has major issues underlying it all and imo really needs to work with someone to tackle some of his root cause issues. After 20 years together, our issues (my childhood issues + anxiety and his issues + ADHD) have collided constantly, and caused us both a lot of hurt. Over the years I've had to distance myself to protect myself, and it's ended up where I'm basically numb, apathetic and honestly not attracted to him at all. I have virtually no romantic feelings toward him, don't really miss him much when he is away, and feel myself drifting off (again) into a more independent life. He is a good father, and the thought of divorce terrifies him, and I honestly don't feel like its possible or the right thing for our family, at least not now.
My question is: is it possible to reignite whatever was there 2 decades ago, WITHOUT a therapist who is helping him individually and probably a couple's therapist thereafter? Has anyone salvaged a basically platonic / parenting marriage, and been able to reconnect and have a somewhat fulfilling for both relationship? I honestly feel like it's impossible, but maybe I'm just so guarded that I can't let myself connect again out of fear for the disappointment and let-downs that are so much a part of it. I'm far from the perfect wife, but I'm exhausted beyond words, and have recently started working with external and internal boundaries to save myself from burning out and losing everything. I realize this will never lead to intimacy, but I'm honestly not sure I even want it anymore (although I fought and cried for so long to have it!). I'm so sad, neither of us deserve what this has ended up being. Any help appreciated...
Trying to survive
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.
To me it sounds like you've entered a survival mode, and it seems time in this marriage is still eating away at your strength and joy.
You and your spouse definitely don't deserve this, nobody would. I know what it's like to spend all your mental and physical resources on preserving a love for a good person but still see it wither away. It's so heartbreakingly disappointing, you don't want to believe it's true.
No matter how strong you are, I doubt you can turn this situation around alone. Inattentive ADHD, burnout and depression made my spouse incapable of improving the relationship and also the family's life. It's a condition of a thousand disappointments. It may let the most precious parts of your relationship - trust, intimacy - go to ruin without making any effort to save it.
I found it was impossible to save the marriage even with optimized ADHD treatment, individual and couples therapy.
Please don't let this go so far as to ruin your health.
Thank you Swedish coast, your
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Thank you Swedish coast, your posts are always so informative, tender and honest. You are right, I feel quite spent. I hope that my latest non-negotiable of getting therapy for himself, and then us finding a therapist together (I refuse to do the legwork alone) might still happen.
I feel like I just have to sit in this space for now and wait, restore my energy, connect with myself again, and be on more stable footing before any huge decisions can be made.
I hope that you are slowly but surely finding your joy again.
I hope he’ll seek help
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I wish he would find some good treatment that will take some of the load off you.
Take care, you are precious.
Thank you for being so kind
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Thank you for being so kind Swedish coast...
Sista from another mista
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Haveaniceday, I could have written this. We are one and the same. Same marriage, same exact position right now and I too, am wondering if the work and effort needed for my marriage to survive this will be worth the effort that i will be required to make (and expect/require/coddle for my spouse) with the knowledge that we just aren't sure or confirmed if our marriages will ACTUALLY survive and get through this in the end.
The sadness is grief. And you have to treat it as such. I signed up and completed Melissa's Non-ADHD support group and it was, by far, the best investment I made in MYSELF that helped to give me a direction. Because at the end of the day, we DON'T know if our marriage will actually survive - it's completely out of our control. But we DO have control over what WE do for ourselves, our marriage (within reason of course, we can't save this on our own), and our living environment and with that, the women I met on the course really helped me see that it does come down to doing the work on YOURSELF first and then getting yourself to a place where you can stand firm in your boundaries and say 'this isn't working anymore' and being OK with whatever happens on the other side.
Even typing that out... it's scary to think about it, but truly I mean this, once you start facing it and normalising the talk of 'whatever happens on the other side, I'm going to be ok'. Because the sadness is unprocessed grief and it's good to channel it into productive things for YOU. Let that grief out and start facing it and processing it.
From what you wrote, I feel so seen because I am you and I know that sadness because I feel it every morning. It wakes me up from my sleep for months at a time. It manifests itself as anxiety and comes out in weird ways (but mostly anger and frustration) because we know: It doesn't have to be like this and living with a spouse such as ours... it makes life so much more difficult.
So I don't have the answer of if a platonic marriage can be saved...but I have heard from women who are those 5-10 years ahead of us that know and have lived in our situations and those that were in happy marriages said it came down to them speaking UP for themselves and saying 'enough is enough, I don't want to live out my life like this'. And letting the cards fall where they may be. Don't try to control the outcome when you speak up for yourself, beacuase that's part of the toxic cycle we've found ourselves in, isn't it? Instead, do the work on yourself with the boundaries and learn what you like, don't like, what you'd like to change, all of it. It will help you work through the sadness too because it's grief for so much. Learn your financial situation - do you have enough money to go tomorrow? Do you have a safe space? If you ahve kids, have you factored them?
And as I type that above... I find its easier said than done because I too am trying to look at my financials, work on my boundaries, etc all of it, while still trying to live a normal life and get the day-to-day-has-to-be-done, done.
Someone once told me something that really made me think: what would you do if your husband came to you TODAY and said 'I don't love you, I don't want to be with you and I want a divorce/separation' etc.... like, really, what would you do? And this affected me so much becasue internally I was like 'the audacity of him! why would he do that?? How dare he for all I've done for him and stayed in there, etc' my internal rant goes on and on but what I realised is that this rant is all about my co-dependancy and that is something that I need to work on. Because I can't control my husband or get him to do what I think he should do - even if it's the best, healthist thing ever that will improve his life and create a beautiful life together - he can still say NO THANK YOU. And he can walk away too. Just like me. Although its harder for me to walk away because of societal expectations, etc, I CAN actually walk away. I'm also a person and I deserve what I think is best for ME as well. And if my husband doesn't want to be a postitive influence in my life and enhance it... one of my values might be that I want all my relationships to be uplifting and real and authentic and I know I'm not being ME in my marriage now, it's incredible toxic and sad and odd and our communication sucks, all of it...but if I know for a fact that I'm not me in my marriage, and I deserve to be me, then I have every right to leave a marriage that no longer serves me. BUT... so does my husband. he has that right too. And for me, right now in this very moment, I don't know what I would do if this happened and I'm not ready for it - which tells me where I need to do the most work FIRST.
I hope the above makes sense. You aren't alone. You are literally my sister from another mister
Thank you from a third Sista
Submitted by Catterfly on
Your words are so wise, Roller. I needed to hear them; I've been so angry lately. I love how you've reframed this into understanding and enforcing boundaries. It's such a positive and empowering paradigm to operate from.
Grief, space, peace, creativity
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Thank you so much for such a deep and detailed reply Off the Roller... I've taken a few days to reply, because as usual it was hectic, but I've had 48 hours basically to myself this weekend as H is away for work, and both kids have had weekend plans. I've thought deeply about your description of the sadness as being grief. And I think you're spot on. It comes and goes in rolls and waves, but most of all, the time I've had to think and feel this weekend has been amazing. I have had chats with 2 wonderful girl friends, I've slept, I've eaten when and what I've wanted. I've watched what I wanted on TV. The peace in my mind and heart has been amazing. No tension in the air from the resentment I hold and the chaotic negative feeling he brings. I've even spent the day being creative and finishing up some projects that I never have the emotional energy for. I came across old photos today of my earlier adult life, before all the chaos, and I cried with longing for the person I was. I realized that I feel my energy draining away and like I can't breathe when he's around, that I'm so much calmer when he's not. It hurts to even say this, it would kill him to know I feel this way, he is truly a good person - he's just so broken...
Our current situation makes it impossible to make any big moves now. Financially, zero chance due to a variety of factors - not all ADHD-related. I have to get on my own two feet again, and become financially disentangled - it'll take a few years. Our teen (who has major ADHD) would be okay if we went our separate ways, but the young one would not cope, and I know that I'll have to find a way to stay - peacefully - until the time is right. We have no family or support nearby, cannot return to our home country (financially impossible) but also the reasons we left it are still very much a worry and I don't want to rip my kids away from their life in this country. So, for now, I've got to put down boundaries, find myself again slowly, and keep following this small but growing voice that I want and deserve more for myself.
It's a journey, and maybe that's what it's about at the end of the day. Becoming again who you truly are. It's good to feel understood, and to know one is not alone, thank you sister from another mister...
boundaries and spouse's rejection sensitivity
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
Has anyone else noticed that putting healthy boundaries down to protect oneself elicits major rejection sensitivity from the ADHD partner? My husband told me the other day that the feeling he has now is so painful and unbearable because he really senses me taking some distance and sticking to my boundaries. I feel so sore for him, because i know he would never say this unless it was really severe (it took him many many years to even be able to talk about his feelings!), but at the same time I know 100% that I cannot loosen my boundaries because of how far down the road we are. I just know that there is no going back for me. Either it works with my boundaries in place, or I'm willing to let the chips fall where they may...
Do not back down
Submitted by adhd32 on
He is upset because he must now be responsible for everything in his life. Of course he is angry. Remind him why those boundaries are in place when his RSD surfaces then walk away. He can learn to control his anger if he wants to be your spouse. The choice is his. You have to develop a suit of armor against his feelings, those are his to manage. Old habits die hard and likely he knows how to push your sympathy button. Boundaries only work if you enforce them, do not allow him to manipulate you with his feelings.