Advice needed please! Anyone? Nobody to talk to. Obsessing over recent breakup with ADD man - PLEASE HELP!

I am so sorry that you were put thru this...

Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Mon, 08/17/2015 - 23:56

This is just my gut reaction, so I may be off-base.

My guess is that he really just wanted an internet relationship. The fact that he didn't pay for your meal the very first night is a red flag unless he's low income.

Did he invite you to visit him in a genuine way? Or was it more of a, "hey it would be great if you could come visit" but he never thought you'd actually come? Or, was it mostly your idea to come visit.

Even if I'm off base, the fact remains that he doesn't want this relationship. You have to move on.

thankyou for your response,

Submitted by palmtree on Tue, 08/18/2015 - 00:12

thankyou for your response, Overwhelmedwife . I was getting so upset nobody was replying!

He has taken a year off work as he was burnt out, so watching his finances. I dont know how well off he is or is not, but he wasnt very generous with money. We shared all expenses, though he paid for groceries. When i bought up how sad i was he didnt pay for hte meal that first night, he said he always went dutch on dates in the past. (whatever, but did those other dates spend $6000 to visit him?!!)

It was more my idea to go visit, though we had talked about it a lot. I dont mind, as i travel a lot and that part was no big deal. I fly by the seat of my pants and take risks like that.

I dont know why he behaved the way he did, it was terrible. And still to this day, he never acknowledges his ADD had anything to do with it. He was obviously TOTALLY averse to any kind of conflict, given the way he used words such as "i need to feel safe and secure again" and how "disturbed and confused by my behavior " he was. What do you think of all the examples i gave in my original post?

Ergh i am so heartbroken, i can hardly leave the house. He is mid forties and has only had three relationships in his life (all 2-7 years long).

I think i was too sensitive for him, he couldnt handle me. But there was never a need to be as callous as he was. and seemingly in denial. thats his ADD i guess. But i feel terrible he thinks its all MY fault. I cant stop thinking about it all, all the conversations, the emails , ergh its heartbreaking.

i suspected that it was more of your idea to make the trip...

Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Tue, 08/18/2015 - 01:17

Have you had any communications with him since you left?

I also suspect that either the "ex GF," isn't really an ex, or he wants to get back with her. That story about not wanting to hurt his exGF is ridiculous. It's a lie. he is either seeing her or wants to start seeing her again. Perhaps shortly before you arrived, they had been "reconnecting" or there had been some signs that she would be open to a reconnection.

I know it hurts, but you have to close the door on this one. I once had a much smaller situation happen to me. I dated a guy for several months, then we broke up over something very minor. Seven months later he asked me out again. We went out and had a great time. He asked me to go away with him for a weekend trip. I went. The first night was great. The next morning he acted like he barely knew me. He totally shut down. There hadn't been any disagreements or anything. It was like some switch had turned off while we were sleeping. I spent the day waiting for some kind of explanation or conversation. Nothing. It was unbelievably weird. That evening, he spent a few hours just walking by himself. He never said anything to me. I left the next morning wondering what was going on. I was very hurt. A couple of weeks later, he agreed to meet me for a drink. We had a nice chat about various things, but not about what happened. Finally, it was time to leave and I brought the subject up. He just said that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I didn't hear from him again until I ran into him a year later. He saw my car on the road and followed me to my destination. We talked for about two hours, and THEN he told me that he was engaged to be married. Shocking because prior to that, no one would have guessed that he would have followed me and then talked to me for two hours. I went home in shock over it.

Fifteen years later, after I had long married and had kids, I heard that he had gotten divorced. He contacted me thru Facebook and told me that he was gay and was in a relationship with a man. I was actually grateful to learn about this because it answered a long held mystery.

My point is that there is probably something that he doesn't want to tell you. Your relationship was fine as long as you were thousands of miles away. He may not be able to deal with real relationships.

thankyou for your thoughtful

Submitted by palmtree on Tue, 08/18/2015 - 02:24

thankyou for your thoughtful response. sorry to hear about your strange experiences also! who can ever know someone?

I thought it was very strange about the ex also. I know they are still friends and stay in contact, help each other out, she looks after his dog if he has to go away etc. BUT, he did take me to a party and i met all his friends, so if he was still with her, that would be odd. Plus, he ended it back in november. She must have wanted back with him, as she wrote him a message saying she wanted to cut ties with him as it was "too hard" as she saw the photos of him and i all over each other at the party. I dont think they were together, i think he might have been leadign her on though, why would she still be holding out hope for him nine months after they broke up? i get he didnt want to hurt her, by rubbing the photos in her face, but still, one should be honest so she could move on with her life. The fact he got SO angry at me for being upset about the fact he told his friend NOT to post hte photos, what the hell . i couldnt believe it. still upsets me now. so disrespectful. I assumed it was his ADD and lack of empathy and common sense.

He was happy to have me live at his place for a month, so i dont think that would be possible if he was thinking about getting back with her. i dunno. or introduce me to his friends either. i think they were just good friends. guess i will never know. Again, dont think he was just after an internet thing, he was more than happy for me to stay with him, not a hotel, for hte month as i said, so if he wasnt serious about giving it a go, i dont think he would let me stay at his house. I dont know, my head is spinning and i am so sad.

He was so awful to me those last two days, basically kicking me out of his house.

We have been in contact up until a week ago. i was so distraught, sending him email after email tryign to understand, apologising etc. He was matter of fact, ok, not awful but no real emotion. His last email was nice enough, he was concerned i was still so sad and suggested i speak to a counsellor or psychiatrist to help me sort out my thoughts and feelings, and that he felt i wasnt remembering things correctly, always asking him for an apology. thats true but he never really apologised for all his crappy behavior, only saying "i am sorry it didnt workout between us".

he signed off saying "i hope you understand this is comign from a caring place, not a judgemental place. i want you to be happy, healthy and well:

i went ballistic as i was so emotional and raw and told him off, saying he still blames me for everything and i must have meant nothing to him etc. that it was all bs and i get it, i wil leave you the f*k alone......never heard back from him. he probably thinks no matter what he says, it will upset me. which is true for the most part.

so sad. i hate that i cannot let this go. i am super sensitive and analytical and keep going over it all in my head. :

Only time and distraction can help with this now....

Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Wed, 08/19/2015 - 21:58

You're a nice person who got mistreated and misled. You spent a LOT of money on a very long-distance trip to be with someone you thought wanted to have a real committed relationship with you.

Likely, before you came, while you were far away, he could easily act very committed and interested. Once you were there, he may have given his best effort, which you saw at first, but he couldn't sustain the effort. Once he "ran out of steam," he essentially ordered you to leave. Obviously, that is not the behavior of someone that is normal.

I'm guessing that you are employed? If so, it may be best to just "put your nose to the grindstone" and put your energies towards your career for awhile. Be open to casual dating, but protect your heart.

This All Sounds Familiar Palmtree

Submitted by kellyj on Tue, 08/18/2015 - 10:12

and yes....it does sound like ADD is a big part of it. I'm an ADHD man so I can see his behavior in myself and understand it from that perspective. I can give you some reasons why this happens......but also to point out.....not everyone with ADD would behave this way including myself. He sounds more extreme than anything that I can say for myself but I recognize the symptoms and what causes them at least if this is any help to you.

I think i was too sensitive for him, he couldn't handle me. But there was never a need to be as callous as he was. and seemingly in denial. that's his ADD i guess. But i feel terrible he thinks its all MY fault.

You may be sensitive and that much is not your fault. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive and you shouldn't feel bad about that. He....on the other hand....is really sensitive too.....just in a different way. More to do with how things affect him (external things like noise or sound for example) including other people raw emotions. A big part of the problem you were experiencing with is part denial (very intuitive on your end).....and part avoidant behavior. This is not just avoiding something in the common usage of the word. This is a pretty complex system of inner defense mechanisms that happens completely unaware of the person and is a common one for people with ADD. I'm not an expert on the differences between ADD and ADHD but there is a difference. I'm an extrovert by nature and it appears most ADD people are more introverted. That doesn't mean and introvert is going to be a book worm and close themselves off from the world....it means that they tend to self soothe by being alone and get overwhelmed and "taxed" by being around people too long. Extroverts are the opposite of this. They get energized and get their batteries charged by being around other people not someone who is the life of the party with lamp shades on their head and being the center of attention. I hate being the center of attention and usually step back and can be rather quiet or even reserved or shy at first when I am in social settings. I tend not to be load or boisterous and hate drawing attention to myself. This might make you think that I would be an introvert if you met me but I am more extroverted by definition as I explained it which means.....external things, light, noise, sounds, crowds, parties, social events or gatherings and being around people and all of their quirks and behaviors (people watching....chatting with strangers even) are not sources for irritation for me to the point that I enjoy it and get energized by it. That's more of an extrovert in psychological terms. The "H" part of ADHD has more to do with being spontaneous (being nice to myself here) or being impulsive and being in exciting situations appeals to me. If not reigned in....there are plenty of down side to this but I am aware of all of this and know myself very well and have learned to manage this part to the point that I have control over it most of the time instead of it having control over me. It's taken years of work to learn this (with help in therapy) but .....I don't see others as the source for my anxiety if I feel it coming on anymore. Before I did that.....I use to think it was them causing me to be anxious instead.

Having said that.....an introvert is going to be sensitive in a different way. They may appear to be very outgoing and lively and be very extroverted (in the sense the opposite of me) but internally.....they are easily taxed by other people emotions and things that externally bother them. They tend to be more anxious about being around people too long and are more sensitive to other peoples raw emotions that affect them this way. When this happens....it makes them irritable and they need to recharge by being alone. The opposite of and extrovert like me.

In either case however....if you are avoidant by definition.....you will avoid the things that cause this effect in you (things that stress you out) Simply put. I am a little avoidant but not extreme. More of a tendency or a default in more extreme situations. It takes a lot to get me there but it is my default none the less.

So....when you said But there was never a need to be as callous as he was. You are right in respect that having ADD does not give a person the excuse to be rude, cold or callous to you but he did have a need to be that way from how he was being affected and this complex chain reaction that was happening to him. As emotional and hurt as you were by him......you being sensitive and having a lot of raw emotions (crying) was putting him over the edge himself internally and all he wanted was to get away from that. It's a pretty primitive response and insensitive of him but only to say that this really is part of his ADD and he is probably not aware of any of the things I just told you. That's why is appears so callous because in respect to you it is. Is he a callous, unfeeling bad person? Probably not or you would not have been attracted to him but whose to say there either.....maybe he is just as he appeared and there are other reasons and contributing factors to his behavior.....no way for me or you to tell that either?

Anyway for you.....if you want to understand this more....you can look up avoidant behavior and the other things I said if this will help resolve your own feelings to your experience with him. For me.....this always helps me not takes things personally if I can explain it better. It does sound like he had arrived at this himself (unconsciously) and felt like you were not the right person for him based on this internal reaction he had. This is less to do with a "gut" feeling or intuition and more to do with this primitive reaction or response that was being generated inside him. Less to do with feelings and emotions and more to do with being irritated by what was happening and feeling a need to get away (a more internal panic). Blaming it on you is just him not being very self aware and understanding what is happening inside him. That's not your fault no matter what he blames on you. You can pretty much let go of that one completely.

He doesn't sound like he is very self aware or connected emotionally and this is not a good combination with having ADD. This might be a cart before the horse kind of thing but none the less for you....if you are a sensitive person then he doesn't sound like a very good fit for you. I think it takes a special person who is really self confident and really immune to someone like this naturally to be able to handle someone like this and even then....they are still going to start feeling this person is not very attentative and insensitive to them after a while and have their feelings hurt or dismissed by them eventually. Someone like this may get past this sooner and adjust better but it's still going to pose a problem for them in the long run. Melissa Orlov (this sight founder) has said as much herself and put herself more into this category than it sounds like it is with you. This part is something that someone with ADD does not do intentionally and it's not because they are heartless or unfeeling themselves. Their gage to measure others emotionally is going to be skewed to the high end in how they see other people so you probably seem much more (too extremely) sensitive to him than you really are (compared to how most people would see you) That's why this is so confusing to you and that's also why you shouldn't take this personally or feel their is anything wrong with you. He's also probably not a bad guy either but......it sounds like he would be a royal pain in the ass to be with and you should take the things that he said and did with a grain of salt. I think this mostly sounds like par for the course with someone with ADD even though.....I still think he sounds a bit callous myself for what it's worth but I'm only hearing it from your perspective. I can already guess what his perspective would be on this:) lol

Reply to your response :) Thankyou :)

Submitted by palmtree on Wed, 08/19/2015 - 18:48

Thanks JJamieson, just wondering if you received my private message to you yesterday? would love and appreciate your input :)

You have been a tremendous help to me x

Sensitive people

Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Wed, 08/19/2015 - 22:06

>>> There's nothing wrong with being sensitive and you shouldn't feel bad about that. He....on the other hand....is really sensitive too.....just in a different way. >>>

there is a healthy way to be "sensitive" and that's when a person can be sensitive about the feelings of others. It's also ok if you're "sensitive" when you're truly being mistreated.

Mentally unhealthy people are ridiculously "sensitive". They over-react to minor things, see "offenses" that aren't there, etc.

sensitivity

Submitted by palmtree on Wed, 08/19/2015 - 23:36

you are so right Overwhelmedwife

i am sensitive, but he thought i was too sensitive, but he was too, as the slightest thing would make him obviously uncomfortable and retreat and not be able to handle like a normal middle aged man would. A normal man would see i am hurting and approach me, help me to feel better etc. He was in denial and made me out to be the "sensitive to everything" one.

Its his birthday today, and i feel bad for not contacting him, its been two weeks of no communication since he told me i should speak to a counsellor or psychiatrist to process my thoughts and feelings, again not looking at himself at all . He has ADD, OCD and god knows what else, and he thinks it is all me. Reading these posts on this site REALLY helps to see this is so typicalof ADD-ers, avoidant behavior, denial etc.

Being a highly sensitive and being with a man like him is a dangerous and very bad mix, as i take it all on my shoulders and blame myself and fee unworthy, and with a man like that, he would have destroyed me over a short amount of time. I guess i should be thankful it ended so quickly after i arrived.

I look back now and am incredulous at his behavior - as i mentioned earlier, i spend $6000 to go see him. He didnt even take me out to dinner. I had to pay my way for everything. Oh, he did buy me an icecream cone once. . THATS IT. And that first night, when he didnt pay for my meal, he used that against me over and over later on, saying it was a "red flag" for him. WHAT? how was that a red flag? Because i was hurt he didnt pay for a $20 meal after i flew around the world to see him? I can only assume it is subconscious guilt, and he is throwing the blame back on me as i let him know HE hurt ME. How crazy is that? He did NOTHING for me, even if he was not well off (though he had a beautiful house and nice things so he must have had some savings), but not even ONE meal out the whole time i was there. He made me pay my half for every single thing.

Oh this whole thing is sad :(

<<<

Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Thu, 08/20/2015 - 01:40

<<<

>>>>

This is truly strange. My dad was known to "pinch a penny," but he never would have had a woman pay, nor would he have anyone pay after they had flown across the world to see him.

Unless the guy truly didn't have two nickels to rub together, which I doubt, it sounds like he's just really insensitive.

and the way he ordered you out. You're a lady. You hadn't done anything that would warrant an "eviction" as a guest in his home. Who stands over a lady and berates her while she's trying to rebook a flight home?

This is no gentleman. This is a disturbed individual, and I'm sorry that it cost you a LOT of money to find that out.

Not that this would have been ok, but maybe he thought that you are rich (spending $6k to come), so he thought that you should pay for yourself (and maybe him, too)??

Do you think that he expected you to pay for him?

I know that you're in pain, but look at it this way....the person that you fell in love with over the internet is not a real person. He faked a personality that doesn't exist. What you saw during your visit, particularly the last 24-48 hours of your visit, was the real man.... a disappointing man for sure.

response - overwhelmed wife

Submitted by palmtree on Fri, 08/28/2015 - 20:24

thanks again overwhelmed wife,

i replied to a post of yours yesterday, not sure if you got it.....was hoping for your insight, here is my response:

Thanks again for sharing OWW

I just had a small question about what you wrote at the end of your post - something i have been having a very hard time reconciling myself with my ex. You wrote;

"A person can't hide his true self that long. The problem is that the healthy person often doesn't understand that A person can't hide his true self that long. The problem is that the healthy person often doesn't understand that the person that they dated during the early months...does NOT exist.

I wondered this myself - how was he SO sensitive, so seemingly self-aware, so kind, seemingly empathetic for the first little while, then once i arrived there to be with him (all commincations prior were skype video calls and emails due to distance)......how do they be ONE way and seemingly the nicest most loving guy you have ever met, then be someone else and show their other ADD side? How do we miss that in the beginning? Do they actually PRETEND?

You said

"the person that they dated during the early months...does NOT exist."

how do they not exist?

Who was that guy i fell for ? Where did he go? This is why it is so so hard for me to let go, i remember all of the really good, wonderful, loving times at the START, when he was EVERYTHING i was looking for. How do i let go of THAT guy? IS that really not him? :(

I am really struggling trying to understand this part, i feel duped and stupid , was it all a lie? How did he hide this "real" guy from me? He did not tell me about the ADD until AFTER i arrived in the USA, casually , like it was nothing. Perhaps he believes it does not, in any way, affect his relationships. Denial.

Thanks for any insight on this one , it is much appreciated. My head is still spinning, and of course, i am all to blame in his mind.

You said "the person that they dated during the early months..

Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Sat, 08/29/2015 - 02:09

<<<

You said

"the person that they dated during the early months...does NOT exist."

how do they not exist? <<<

Let's say that you're naturally a very angry person and you easily lose your temper (swear a lot and over minor things). Let's say that you're often rude and self-centered as well. You also often argue with people. Then, you came to me and said, "OWW, I really want a BF, but I can't seem to get one. Men go out with me once or twice and then they say that I'm too rude, too angry, and too selfish. What can I do.

Then I give you a script. The script tells you what to say on your first 25 dates, 1. Keep a calm voice, 2 Don't swear. 3. Let the other person choose where you're going to go on your dates. 4. Compliment the other person. 5. Bring them a small gift that they will really like after the 10th date.....and so forth and so forth. I've given you a "play by play" on how to behave to "trick" your next love interest into falling for you. And, it works. The person falls madly in love with you. He can't believe how lucky he is to have found YOU! He's so happy!

But, the masquerade can't go on forever. Your "real self" is going to start creeping out, maybe a little at a time, or maybe something will happen that will trigger all of the "real you" to come out. Maybe the dry cleaner lost your favorite outfit and then you become unglued and start swearing up the joint, yelling at the business owner, threatening to sue them, and on and on. Your "love interest" is concerned, but thinks this is just a one-time thing.

Then, the next week, your boss gives you an assignment that you hate. It puts you in a bad mood and you take it out on your BF by being short-tempered and sarcastic. Your BF is starting to wonder about you. Then the following week, something else happens and you respond in an irrational behavior. Your BF tells you that you're over-reacting. You become angry that he's upset by your behavior, and you argue and it isn't pretty. You call him names. You're all worked up.

The mask is now completely off. Your BF is wondering what happened to that sweet lady he was dating.

But, did that sweet lady ever exist? No. He will keep wonder when that sweet girl is going to return. She might for a day or two, but since that was just an act, the sweet girl cannot return for very long. Soon, she'll rarely if ever return.

palmtree...One thing I've noticed w/ my wife.....

Submitted by c ur self on Sun, 08/30/2015 - 00:21

There is almost a complete inability to focus on more than one thing at a time...So when interest is high in a specific area, ( place, person or thing) nothing else seems to matter to her...But, I've come to understand that's really not the case...But to the non-add spouse who value's their time of sharing, and all their efforts, energy, and finances exerted into the relationship they are just experiencing the abandonment....And in the non's reality that is what it is...But, in the add mind there is no intent or even awareness in many cases....Two realities...Conflict!

This is way so many hurt feelings and arguments happen....There are two different realities....Mine the abandoned and unengaged spouse, and her's who don't understand why I'm so angry and disappointed with her...In her mind and reality, she hasn't done anything wrong....

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