Submitted by stillhere on 03/04/2014.
I dont know if this is the right place for this question. Im new here and havent searched the site too much. But my husband and I have been having so many issues that its hard to even begin. I believe he has ADD, not ADHD. He is not very active, hates doing things. I was recently diagnosed with autism (high functioning) and obviously knew something was always different about me. Our relationship has always been, well i cant even find the word. We have always fought alot. He blamed me and I blamed him. Now I know why I am the way I am. Only, the struggles weve had have intesified things for me. I was also diagnosed with severe social and general anxiety. All of which I've had since childhood. These combined with my husbands issues, and the fact that they have gotten worse since life has gotten worse, has made our marriage seem like a total joke. Why are we even together? He will be going to counseling next week but has been in the military and couldnt (perhaps a lie) get counseling before b/c of his job. Now that weve agreed that hes probably ADD and depressed and also has anxiety, he is going. He is getting separated from the military and we have lost everything. Income, insurance, home. We dont know what to do. He has no empathy for me or what I have been dealing with. He says I'm just running with it (the autism). He once called my nephew a retard for having autism. Now he knows I have it and I dont know what he thinks of me. I am concerned about him and Im trying to be patient because I know its not something he can control. He hasnt even been diagnosed yet. But I am at the point where I dont know if I love him anymore. He lies so much, I dont trust him. I dont want to have anything to do with him but hes my only friend and has been since we met 15yrs ago. Weve been together the whole time. I dont know how I feel anymore but dont want to make a decision until he gets a diagnosis and meds. If not, I will leave for sure. Does anyone have some advice or insight here? Does anyone have autism and have a spouse with ADD/ADHD? This seems like two perfect storms. Finances are a mess, what a surprise! That makes everything worse. We are living with my brother (God bless him) and God theres just too much to get into. Anyone know if meds will fix things if he gets a diagnosis?
Not diagnosed autistic, but...
Submitted by Kaliko on
... I share many of the traits associated with Asperger's. I've never been tested, actually, but I've always been extremely socially and physically awkward, obsessive about "weird" things, oversensitive to various stimuli, etc. Made it very hard for me to relate to people for a long time, until I learned to evaluate personality types and studied what made different types tick. I was able to use this knowledge to train myself to act like a normal person [oh, anti-anxiety meds helped too!], to the point where my casual acquaintances think I'm an extrovert. Ha! My marriage also tanked after my husband left the military - which was 5.5 years ago, and he hasn't gotten a full-time job since. It's forced me to push way past my comfort zone and do things I never thought I could do - like managing teams and networking - to make enough money to support us. While I was very uncomfortable doing this, it was necessary in my mind. My husband used his insecurities as an excuse to not recover or grow this entire time. He also fought therapy, and didn't put in effort once he actually went. [I was in the military too, and while there can be a stigma there - like anywhere else - against the "mental problems" label, it's not that bad, imo. Most people are really supportive, actually. But I don't know what your husband did, or what kind of people he worked with. Maybe he genuinely was afraid of repercussions.]
Why are you together? I loved my husband's spontaneity and enthusiasm. I always felt trapped in my own head, obsessing about the past and worrying about the future, and I admired what I saw in him as self-confidence, charisma, and the ability to enjoy life. I wonder if you had a similar experience? Even his exaggerations and lies, when they first appeared, I was able to write off. "Oh, poor guy - he thought he wasn't cool enough for me; he wanted to impress me." I thought it was misguided, but kinda sweet. All those sorts of explainable traits started off acceptable and then became less so over the years.
Back to you: first, that's so great that your brother is letting you lean on him a bit. :) Second, not having any direct experience with ADHD meds, I can tell you that there's no guarantee of anything when it comes to medication and psychological issues. Sometimes there is a good treatment, or set of treatments, but it may take a while to identify them, and even then you generally need behavior-modification therapy as well. But there's nothing wrong with that, and I don't personally think it's a good idea to throw in the towel without trying. At the same time, these are major changes he'll be undertaking, and if he does commit to them, he will need your support. Are you able to work?