Submitted by jennalemone on 02/10/2016.
He said this morning, "Do you want to start the day with a funny joke?" with a volume too loud for first thing in the morning.
I looked at him and said, "Sure!" in the same volume he came in with.
"What." he said same volume.
"What." I said same volume.
He looked at me like I had slapped him and walked away like a spanked puppy.
Response, response, assumptions, bad feelings.
One word
Submitted by jennalemone on
He said this morning, "Do you want to start the day hearing something funny?" with a volume too loud for first thing in the morning.
I looked at him and said, "Sure!" in the same volume he came in with.
"What." he said same volume.
"What." I said same volume.
He looked at me like I had slapped him and walked away like a spanked puppy.
Triggers, response, response, assumptions.
Need some more
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
jennalemone ,
I am not understanding what you are hoping to share with us. Can you explain this it bit more?
Sincerely,
Liz
Hi Jen....
Submitted by c ur self on
Do you think he was being to loud intentionally? Or, do you think because of his excited state to share and the way his mind works, he was just being himself and was truly unaware of his volume?
C
10 second war
Submitted by jennalemone on
It seemed to me a shorthand picture of what Melissa talks about with response response. It says so much to me. A hundred things went on in that small space starting with me saying "Sure" matching his tone of voice.
It actually started with him telling a joke. He is always with the jokes. It feels to me like he is not trying to connect with the jokes but to divert and showcase himself as the eternally jolly clown "Aren't I adorable? Hehe". It triggers me because I feel like the eternally angry bird about petty things which really sting the deep stuffing inside of me because of our history together and me stuffing my voice trying to keep peace rather than bring things up. His jokes and arrogant ways trigger me because I don't like myself in this relationship where I have enabled him to be this impish happy child who shows no devotion to the marriage. It is disgusting to me because his profession as a traveling salesman and his flirty jokey ways is who he is. All with the impulsive nature of ADD and on the road free and easy overnights while I had been home making a home for him and our children. Him drinking and staying out late with this jokey, cavalier attitude. ohhhhhhh....pent up frustration and resentment from the past. I see him leaning in with flirting eyes and I see a thousand bar stools out of town for him while I scrubbed the floors and changed the diapers without a car in Smallville. Then I see the bills not being paid and I must go out to work to pay for the credit card bills AND scrub the floors and change the diapers. He all the while.....telling jokes to divert and charm me, selling himself again.
H has always been defense/offense with a little chip on his shoulder to the world. Everything to him is an attack that he needs to strike back. If I had said to him, "Could you talk a little softer?" would have caused a loud scene like, "Now I am too loud? Can't you just let ANYTHING GO? Must we all be like YOU?" His loudness, insincerity and slamming has become nearly unbearable to me and little things trigger me. I don't know where ADD starts and manipulation begins.
My "Sure!" was to say to him, "This is how loud that just was." So I gave him reason to feel the message by my tone of voice. That was my very ineffective way of saying to myself, "I am allowed to express myself". I did not use my words to expressive myself very well.
His "What." Was to say, "Why are you pissed off this time? Have I annoyed you again? Can't you just be happy go lucky and laugh like me?"
My "What." was to say, "Yes, go ahead and explain what you are thinking. Say it in words. I would love to actually converse with words but a real conversation seems to not matter to you. Words don't have an effect on you."
My "What." was to say, "This is a mess. I can be just a stubborn and uncommunicative as you can be. Look at us!" silently screaming.
ADD symptom - unawareness of environment or who he is addressing - PARTNER RESPONSE - Being irritated and expressing inappropriately. Noticing what was wrong rather than what was right. ADD RESPONSE - walking away muttering angrily and isolating, feeling chastised yet again.
You said so much I can I.D. with....
Submitted by c ur self on
(ADD symptom - unawareness of environment or who he is addressing - PARTNER RESPONSE - Being irritated and expressing inappropriately. Noticing what was wrong rather than what was right. ADD RESPONSE - walking away muttering angrily and isolating, feeling chastised yet again.)
This happens to me and was happening to us, because of all the truthful things you said in this post...The simple reality was I so disapproved of her way of living I abhorred being around her much of the time...Nothing is serious, always frivolity, any attempt at adult conversation about the real responsibilities of life only turned on the fight or flight syndrome....Love and commitment doesn't at all make for sane communication ability...Any time you can go days and weeks with a calm peaceful spirit, and in 10 seconds of trying to interact with your spouse you world crumbles, that's a problem....
I spent almost 8 years asking God to help me to live with her in an understand manner....I guess I wasn't listening to him....The answer was deal with yourself, and be quiet....I'm not a quiet person, but, the more I'm quiet, (no verbal response) the more I can't hurt her feelings or damage my own emotions...If you refuse to be drug into the chaos, you want be part of the chaos...Easy to say, but, difficult for me to do....But, it's has proved to be the pearl of great price, when I can muster only a smile and silence....There is something most wonderfully special that happens in our marriage, when I can keep my response to a calm spoken...no thank you....
(pent up frustration and resentment from the past.)
If awareness is a major part of the battle you are there,...In my life I was so tunnel visioned on the WHY, I couldn't see my need to change and find healing for my resentment, and the Co-Dependent trap I was so engrained in....I felt so hopeless that we could ever have the marriage God wanted for us....
I've had no accountability sessions for over two years now, so I called my pastor who knows my wife very well....We meet and after we discussed many life issues....He looked at me and said this: (Her name) is not going to change. What are you going to do?
His question has rang in my ears... Because I know and have known all along that my peace is held in my own hands...He didn't say it, and he knew he didn't have to, but, as long I look at my W as the source of my peace, I would have none....
Blessings dear Jen
C
Blessings to you both.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Blessings to you both.
On sound, only the sound...
I'm still puzzling around on what seems to be the case offline here, which is that my partner really doesn't seem to hear the volume at which he speaks. And there's nothing wrong with his physical hearing.
But...and this I really don't understand, sometimes he hears me speaking louder than I speak. I'm not the only person writing on boards like this who has heard their ADHD partner tell them that they were shouting when they hadn't raised their voice. There's also a claim sometimes (my partner doesn't do this one) that the voice tone is nasty when the other person was in fact even tempered and not being nasty.
Just physical sound volume though:
My partner is somewhat susceptible to any sound what soever that happens, let's say a car driving by. These random sounds disturb his thought train more than they do mine, but again, it's not because he has super keen physical hearing. A sensitivity to little and big sounds yes, but not because he's got Superman ears.
Anyway Jenn, given that mine doesn't register his own voice volume going up and down, but at times registers, somehow, that I'm speaking louder than I am, if I did what you did....and I confess I have, because I have wondered sometimes what on earth he is doing when he starts out in a very loud voice, and I wondered if there were an "I'm yelling because I'm a little deaf" going on in him.....my partner would jump out of his skin, when I matched his volume. Just the perceived volume, none of the other part of what you're talking about, I'm still lacking understanding why he hears me louder than i am speaking, but can't hear his own voice volume.
One of life's mysteries.
The man's answer to it...Lots of sex, and very little talking:)
Submitted by c ur self on
I don't know the science behind it...But, I know to never go there, and if I do anyway, it never ends well.
My wife and I can have an exchange going down the road or in the house...In her mind (she points it out verbally) most every conversation where we have differing opinions. Is an argument....I can't tell you how many times I've told her we are not arguing, we are discussing something we feel differently about...Based on this fact it is very hard to have a normal discussion with her...She seems to take offense to me any time I disagree with the way she feels about a subject. And will proclaim the discussion to be an argument...That kind of mind turns off or gets emotional very quickly.
She also has very little recall ability, and poor short term memory ( no recall is way worse when emotional) so it is a fools errand to continue a conversation with her once she states its an argument....30 minutes after this happens; If you really want to fight; ha ha... just ask her what was said and by who during the exchange, who was loud, etc....Her story want even come close to reality, and 100% of the time...I'm just trash..LOL....Oh me!
Silence is Golden!
C
Same here
Submitted by jennalemone on
This is exactly how it goes here. When we were young I didn't realize these truths, I kept trying to change things around and tried to become the keeper of the relationship. Now I realize conversations are always adversarial from him and I was just adjusting my own conversation style trying to avert another nonsensical fight.
I know now to spot his diversions and recriminations. It is less chaos for my mind to step back without my own emotions being stirred up. H's style of conversation is unbridled "revenge". Like tough guy talk.....back at you - but double the pain. He takes any sentence as an offense....even if the statement is about the weather....then turns it around to a criticism of me or the government or religion or relatives. I believe it is a habit to sabatage conversations where someone might ask something of him and he protects himself from any commitment or chance of compromise or hiding his true feelings (if he allows himself to have any?). He stirs up other people's emotions so they get off topic and he gets his way of not contributing to a conversation or project.
I really don't know who this guy is after 40 years of marriage. He is someone who hides behind jokes and diversions. He is the worst sort of salesman, His ego is based on the "sale". (talking someone into something). But not too concerned with product quality or customer satisfaction.