I am a non-ADHD spouse married to an ADHD man, we have had our share of issues but I am wondering how I can better keep the peace. I am currently a graduate student & mother to 3 under 7yrs old. My husband feels no need to help lessen the load on me and it seems as if his interest is everything but our household. Another issue we are currently facing is that I have to manage everything in the house (appts, paying of bills, shopping, etc.) and when I make a plan for us (because he just won't) he always abruptly changes plans to do what benefits him and then we argue because he seems to not remember or has twisted the initial conversation to fit what he wanted. This makes me insane to the point that I will write down what I said or text it to him for proof later that it was him and not me. My husband always commits to helping around the house but hardly follows through without me having to ask him several times and a lot of times it turns into a war because it can be a week (or more) later and the chore still will not be done. I do not know if this is an ADHD issue since he seems to perform just fine at work. I have had to beg him to take 2 days off (or else he will work 7 days with no additional pay) as he works on cars (which is also his hobby) but he feels like even when they are closed he should be there to work on his hobby (car) as he put it, despite me needing help at home with the children as well as around the house. Also, I started grad school before his job so he knew my commitment usually required 40-60 hours of research per week (not including semesters I take class) but then decided that his wants were more important. I don't mean to sound like I am bashing him but truthfully, a PhD in a science field is what is going to carry our house and hopefully if he decides to, put him through some sort of schooling. I don't care about him going (or working on the car when it is home) the issue is that he does that FIRST and then always FORGETS his responsibilities at home. Instead of being home on Monday, like we agreed, he decided himself that he would go all day (8-5/6) and work on his car all day. This time could be used to help me with things like grocery shopping, cleaning around the house or a day-date where we don't have to find a sitter. My husband is irresponsible with money (spends on what he wants and has over-drafted the acct), impulsive with money, refuses to follow-through on anything other than his likes in life and really selfish. I do not know how to deal anymore.
Thanks!
Wish I knew the answers
Submitted by on the edge on
Because I'm also the non-ADHD married to the ADHD husband. I have it very easy compared to you since my youngest is 10 and the oldest doesn't live at home any more.
Not helping around the house? Check! My husband has a variety of reasons for not helping around the house. (1) He doesn't notice that things need to be done, even if it means having to use a mixing bowl and serving spoon to eat cold cereal because there are no clean dishes; (2) He forgets that I asked him; (3) He ran out of time because other things came first; (4) I don't notice when he does something right so why bother; (5) I get angry no matter what so again, why bother. I've mostly given up and just do everything myself. Sometimes I think he's avoiding helping by having to take care of work things at home. It's possible that these things are emergencies but frequently it just sounds like there's a problem and he wants to get it fixed, even if it means working until midnight and not being able to take a break to wash a couple of dishes. But then he likes his job and dishes aren't any fun.
Irresponsible with money? Check! Our credit is terrible thanks to him. In the past, he has said that I should go out and spend money on myself. What he's never been able to understand is that I can't do that because I can't rely on him not going out and buying things we don't need and then being unable to pay bills on time.
Selfish? Check! When the kids were little, I used to ask him to please get up with them one day a week so I could sleep in. But no, he's not a morning person. Yet he's able to get up at 7 every morning to go to his current job.
It's funny how all the things he has trouble with aren't so troublesome when it's something that's important to him. And that's what hurts - the realization that I'm just not that important to him.
Anyway, soon this won't be a problem for me because we've agreed to divorce. But this has been going on for 20+ years. He was only diagnosed less than five years ago and agrees completely that he has it and goes to therapy and is taking meds. But accepting the diagnosis and trying to change are not the same thing. I have a lot of respect for the ADHD people here who are trying to change. If he had done half of what they are doing and tried to understand how I feel about how his ADHD affected us, we wouldn't be getting divorced.
Does your husband think there's a problem? Or does he think you're the problem? Is he doing anything to help?
Did I reply to myself?
Submitted by HopelessMomWife on
Thank you for replying! Your life sounds just like mine. My husband actually DOES NOT think there is a problem, he even said Monday after going in and not helping with ANYTHING that I am being unreasonable by not agreeing that he should should have 9 hours to work on his hobby on Monday's (the day we both agreed we would be off so that we could take care of things w/o kids and have time for us). We get the kids in bed by 830 and he stays on car forums until 10-11 at night (which is time that he could be working on his car each and every night uninterrupted). What is funny is that if he would help around the house first for about an hour, he would have the other 8 hours to do what he wants w/o be upset (the whole ran out of time thing then happens). Also my third child was just born May 4th, 2015 so I am still within that 6-week pp period. I was also sick at about 2.5 weeks after I had the baby with a 104.1 fever and had to go to the emergency room but those two days that I was really sick he went to work and left me with a newborn despite me telling him (before I knew I had a high fever) that I could hardly walk and felt as if i was going to pass out when walking.
Although I do hate his hobby (mostly because I feel like it is way more important than me!) I really wouldn't care about him spending his off day there once I get off of maternity leave but only after doing things that need to be done. I contribute half of the bills, provide most of the care for the children and would just appreciate him on Monday's cleaning his side of the room and the master bathroom (that I no longer use as it is SO atrocious). In fact I didn't use the master bath the entire pregnancy because he would always have it SO NASTY because he would forget to clean it.
Anywhere he takes his clothes off... that is where they stay until he has absolutely nothing to wear. Any dish on his nightstand would stay there (sometimes for weeks) including food and other trash unless I nagged as he called it or cleaned it. Luckily I have not allowed him to mess up credit because I will NOT sign for anything for him (especially seeing that so many non-ADHD spouses have had unsuccessful results) but he constantly applies for credit cards, overdrafts his accounts and spends frivolously on his hobby and not have money to give me for bills.
I have to also complain about him taking a shower nightly after working all day outside as he will just get in the bed and dirty up the sheets. Sometimes I wonder if it is so much passive-aggressive or selfish behavior as it is ADHD because he can SEE me cleaning and not even get up to help. He watched me fold 3 loads of clothes with the newborn on my lap and did not even attempt to help. I just truly don't understand how to get through to him.
Hi..HopelessMomWife.....Key statement....
Submitted by c ur self on
(My husband feels no need to help lessen the load on me and it seems as if his interest is everything but our household.)
As I read your post this statement jumped out at me as key...Most posts on this forum usually have one or more...Based on your comment it seems obvious to me you are dealing with a very tough and tiring situation...Not un-like many who post here...I understand your comment above....My spouses interests range from having fun with grown children and grandchildren, to young co-workers who stroke her ego...To travel, to TV and time on Facebook or anything pleasurable in her own eyes....The mind she lives in does not produce day to day responsible actions toward her commitments...Except the few that relate directly to her personal needs....
So, I have been forced to set boundaries...Boundaries have got to be respected, and we can never force them...So they to are only as good as the respect they get...I've had to stop having expectations of her...I've had to say some hard things about this in front of counselors....
Every adult human regardless of add/adhd should give service to those things that daily must me serviced in their lives and if married to their spouse and family....There responsibilities!....The straining of your relationship that is happening based on your efforts to communicate something that is not finding his heart, or is being rejected by his heart is only producing more hopelessness, and based on your posts is a destructive option...Which you are seeing, because you are here on this forum reaching out....
Counselors are not the know all, fix all....But, it is always nice to have a voice of reason, who does not have a dog in the fight....
A husband or wife is not being disrespectful to the spouse when they ask for help, so as to shine light into a dark situation with-in the home and relationship...So many marriages could be saved, if attention and help was sought out sooner....Before hearts get so hard and bitterness and anger does it's dastardly deed!...
If our mates or us, truly want to walk away from our commitments and responsibilities, it is so much better for all concerned, if we are not left the options of anger and blame...But, one's of fact, reality and peace....Not everyone will give their life...Most will walk away and try to save it......
I will pray for you!