My wife had a birthday back in July...She had made several comments (lustful and jealous in nature :))....over the past year, concerning her feelings about my Costa's (sunglasses)...So, like a good husband (not that I am one) I went down to the shop and tried to find a pair I though would look nice on her...I could not decide between White, Pink, and brown...Although I did rule out the pink...And because comfort is so important, I got her a gift card for the exact amount w/ tax....
She has lost that darn thing at least twice...LOL...When I asked her why she hasn't went to get her glasses, she tells me...I want to try on every pair they have, and I don't want the sales girls to be upset with me:(...REALLY?...lol.....Oh, well...She's special....
I posted this, because as lite as I'm trying to make it...My true feelings about her reasonability level when it comes to throwing around an 184.00 gift card is not so lite....What I am trying to do in my own life is separate my expectations for myself from any I would place on her...Acceptance in this case like all cases promotes low stress levels and accountability...I'm not looking for the thing again...Well, if she says please, maybe.:)
update...
Submitted by c ur self on
I just spotted this 5 month old post, and thought I would update it....She finally confided to me she had given up hope in finding the card....So after a few days I dropped in and told the young lady at the register the story...She had the manager call me, and he was able to track the purchase off my debt card # and agreed to replace it....So WE put it in a safe place LOL...So a couple of weeks ago we went to get the glasses...It only took her and hour or so....So she has her costa's....The only problem was when the little sales girl rang it up and remembered me...She looked at my wife and said...Oh, your the one who misplaces every thing....(Do you think she did it on purpose? LOL) I've got to quit talking so much about that beautiful wife of mine...LOL......She didn't mention it when we left the store...She was smiling and happy for a second chance at her nice shiny sunglasses....
But there is moral here for me....Just because something is true....It doesn't have to be spoken:(
So with that I'll say Bye:)
Controlling Behavior C Ur Self
Submitted by kellyj on
My wife is a control freak and will admit this but.....this extends onto me as well. Regardless of my ADHD symptoms ....her technique to get what she wants is always negative. Negative reinforcment that is. She also uses this technique to get attention too.....It recently occurred to me that my wife will many things to get attention ( in a sense, like a child ) good or bad it doesn't matter....positive attention is great, but negative attention is close second place for her. Attention is attention either way you slice it. I recently started some positive reinforcement techniques with her.....reward and praise for good behavior...withholding praise or reward for bad of negative behavior. I know this sounds like training a dog but I don't treat her like and object or a dog if there is any question about this. Between the two of us....she is the controlling one saying....she needs control of everything all the time in everyway or she starts to fall apart. This is not my issue and I have no need to control anyone ever. I'm pretty self sufficient in that case and even with my messy habits around the house....I still do them but just not quick enough for her most of the time. Quick for her is NOW! This can not only feel demanding....it is! Who expects things NOW aside from a child? And in that case.....giving a child his/her way will only spoil them and reinforce the bad behavior to do it some more. The only solution to an already spoiled child is to withhold the reward until they begin to starve. After a while of pouting, screaming, acting out, drama,.....all methods of trying to get what they want. Once they know their not going to get what they want from you.....the only choice in that case is to capitulate. Will you have to do without during that time. Yes! But as long as they can get you to give them something.....even negative attention......at least they got something out of you. If they keep squeezing the tooth paste tube and nothing comes out....eventually they will give up. And if you are the only tooth paste in town....guess what? They'll have come to you and ask you nicely for it.
That's the concept. This is what I have found that works with an over controlling person whether you like my references or not. My wife doesn't need to coheres me to do what she wants me to do for her. I volunteer gladly....but NOW is not reasonable under any circumstances and that just ain;'t gonna happen. In a reasonable amount of time yes....that IS what I've been working on with her and my ADHD symptoms but... Just not NOW.!
NOW is demanding and unreasonable and is not reasonable for anyone to ask of another person ADHD or not. Neither is trying to control another person to get what they want from them....that's called being manipulative.
Play nice or don't play at all. Just say'in
J
I agree w/ the not NOW aspect....
Submitted by c ur self on
There are emergencies in life that call for quick action....But, shouting will you do this, this and this everyday because you refuse to get up early enough to be responsible for your own survival...Isn't an emergency:)
She's decided to visit another country...This one is kind of funny! She jumped up and was rushing around getting ready for work back a month or so ago...She logged her laptop on and asked to look at all the things to do in this country....So I glanced at it....She walked back in and said she was planning on going and wanted me to go....I said well we can discuss it later, as she was standing there naked brushing her teeth if I remember right...Then she told me we have to buy our plane ticket tomorrow....So I need to know NOW....
Now I could have gotten mad about the way she handled that....Knowing I'm a planner....And there is no way I would make a decision that quick about leaving the US.....
But there ain't no sense in kicking the cat for scratching the furniture.....She's just being a cat:)
So she's going to Asia....And I'm going to beach for a week w/ my bike....:) Is this the way marriage is suppose to be?.....LOL....If it's mine it is.....
Yep...When I Say Jump, Jump! C
Submitted by kellyj on
That's not entirely accurate but it does feel that way sometimes. Our therapist has been giving me clues for a long time and I've just sit and listened...to him and her talk....a little wink wink in there if you know what I mean? I've know him for a long time so I get the drill...he didn't actually wink either...more just looking over at me at specific times....I've learned to read him too. And I get that for a person who has extreme control issues....relinquishing them will not happen over night. Neither will ADHD symptoms but I don't expect them too but....the progress I've made recently has begun to pick up steam. The problem is now....I'm the one who needs to be patient even if she is not. That's why I mentioned it.
If you remember....I made comment a while back that it appeared we had a similar situation? Guess what? This is it! And for the record....I've been doing a lot of trying to figure out my type of ADHD and it is really remarkable just how many ways these things can go from one person to another. I think nurture plays a huge role in this by the way and I beginning to really see the reasons why!
I am very sympathetic to your plight since, at the very least...my wife doesn't have ADHD too. I can't imagine! I fall under more to the other direction....not needing extreme control of everything and everybody externally....just as little more help internally and controlling a few things about myself like the messy habits and replacing some old coping mechanisms. The old ones worked for me by myself pretty well, but they weren't the easiest methods for other people to be around I see that now for sure.lol Physical ones around the house that is....not messes in my life and causing havoc everywhere I go needing anyone to bail me out. I do very well thank you in that department without any outside help;)
The thing is C...(there I go with the thing is lol) I do know a lot of couples who live quite independently from one another and do very well together. Even one of my sisters and her husband spend quite a lot of time apart doing there own thing and appear quite happy together. It does give you a lot of freedom to explore! Not everyone has that opportunity and many would give their right arm to have that in their lives. It could be an opportunity if you make it one. Sorry for being such a Pollyanna but it's my nature to be that way too. Just say'in:)
J
Unless someone is in a boss/employee or Adult/child relationship
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
No one should demand NOW unless it is a TRUE urgency. (Like ....someone has fallen and needs immediate help getting up.)
You and your wife should NOT have a parent/child or boss/employee relationship. In those relationships, a person can order "Now!"....as in "do your homework NOW." or "I need you to complete this work order now."
Spouses need to say things like, "Do you think that you could get X done by the end of today?" or "When you get some time today, can you do X ?" or "I know that you're busy, what time would you be able to do X ?"
That was a terrible thing for the sales person to say!!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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She looked at my wife and said...Oh, your the one who misplaces every thing....
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Even if you did say it to the sales person, she never should have said that to your wife!!! I think I would have called the manager later and talked to them about discretion!
There's a few reason's I wouldn't do that OWW
Submitted by c ur self on
I was shocked by it a little...But, when I stepped back and thought about it a moment, there is a few things I can learn....One is she was a 19 or 20 year old college student, I'd guess....
Secondly to be completely honest with myself...I have to ask myself why this young girl has this kind of info...about my wife? :(....If I truly always followed my convictions concerning being a loving and understanding husband as I desire...the little girl wouldn't have had this information to begin with.
Also, being such a young lady she may of never experienced denial and defensiveness in any one that would make her think twice about blurting out comments such as this...I've lived longer;) I've found out it's best to just ignore the reality of some people's lives (if at all possible) as to avoid conflict and keep the peace....
I sure do admire quiet people...:)