I'm not sure whether to cry with joy or sadness at finding this site--I'm so relieved to find others going through the same things, but then I'm sad for those of you going through the same things! I've been overwhelmed lately, with the normal responsibilities that I have to take care of since P doesn't follow through with much, even when I ask for help. I'm trying to start a new career while working in my old job that I hate, running the kids around at least five nights a week, we're strapped financially with daily bills, and our oldest is starting college this fall. I sat down and told P very calmly that with all that was going to be happening in our lives with my new job and schedule change, that he would need to be more available to help with the kids and household. He promised he would be more helpful and told me not to worry, and it felt like the movie Groudhog Day yet again. I feel like a description is in order--maybe someone can identify with the same habits and issues with their ADHD spouse.
P is a wonderful person, he's generous, smart, witty, and happens to be a clinically depressed alcoholic, workaholic, hoarder with the ability to close off his emotions with the drop of one of my tears. Thank God he's sober, and on meds for his ADHD that have also done wonders for his depression. Despite those awesome developments of proper medication and newfound sobriety, some things just never change. We were arguing over household chores again, and I broke down and admitted to him how incredibly stressed out I was. I told him I was crying on my way home from work the other day and was fantasizing about just steering my car into a tree. HIs response was to turn his back to me and go to sleep. I sat there sobbing in bed next to him and he didn't do or say anything at all. Is this "normal" for an ADHD spouse to react that way? It's definitely not the first time he's turned his back on me when I've been distraught, but this cuts to the core. I don't know if I can get past this, I'm so incredibly hurt and lonely. This can't be healthy for me to stay, but I don't want to break up my family. He's slowly sucking the very breathe out of me.
Welcome to the forum, Stacey.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Welcome to the forum, Stacey. It has been such a help to me. I'm in the first years of marriage with an ADHD partner who is a wonderful man, too. You and I have different lives and married different men, yet a lot of what you described goes on between us in our house, too.
I was so affected to hear about your stress, and your anxiety and, I'm sure, fatigue as you drove home to what you expected to be more stress and work. So much sympathy. You have children so you will be handling much more than I do. Even so, and even having figured out, without knowing about ADHD before my marriage (that's another story), that I was marrying into a physical work increase, which has happened, I have hit stress and work walls like you have. I have had some major danger signals in my body that I'm working 'way past what is good for it...starting to get those body signs was I think my wake up call that I had to do something about the total on me...I just had to.
I remember those children of yours, with their need of daily care. I know from that and from your heart to heart with your husband that you're talking about stress and work that are very real. Just let me tell you that I believe you, that you've already shown by what you've written that you're not picking on your husband, you really are in need yourself.
If you're tempted to do this, please dont feel bad about or doubt yourself that you're having a problem with overload. I've seen both a therapist I went to for help with my own stress and for her advice in managing my workload, and have seen people with ADHD or ADD wince away from, decline to discuss or to look straight on at the reality of the work and stress impact. The move is usually shifting attention from the presented problem by the partner without ADHD (unhealthy overload) to giving her/him tips for accommodating and appreciating ADHD. It's the most maddening thing, when this happens. If that happens to you on or offline, and in my experience, it probably will if it hasnt yet, be your own support and believe that what is happening to you really is happening to you, yes you're overworked and strung out, and that within the situation you are living, any sane, healthy person would be sagging under the workload.
The advice I've heard thus far about how overwork is dealt with (or "dealt with") is to hire out some of the work and to become more clever in becoming the ADHD person's task manager. And to abandon some expectations and rigidity in oneself. I've found the last two to be necessary and the first two of those pieces of advice impossible. In our house we dont have the money to hire work out, and without giving the details of it, neither my husband nor I am candidates for me ordering him around or being his mommy.
Stacy, even if I and my husband could do all 4, instead of me only working on the last two, that still leaves the big elephant that everyone seems to avoid dealing with. You. Need. Help. Hiring someone to run the vacuum, etc if that's affordable alleviates, any task reduction does and is welcome, but doesnt scratch the emotional/mental/physical surface.
Remember that I'm still in the early stages of learning what's involved in living with ADHD and learning how to live well with it, and not be sunk by it. This is just how I see things at home right now. Of course if any of this doesnt ring true in your house, ignore it.
If I had that heart to heart with my husband about my impossible to sustain stress levels and work, he'd likely do what yours did, acknowledge in conversation his general intention to help. Mine loves me very much, and he's a truth teller in the moment. Yours sounds like he loves you. My husband would have told the truth. He wants to help. He doesnt want me so ground down by work.
One thing I noticed about your description about that conversation and the one where you were crying and he turned away from it (my husband in that latter situation would go completely silent with no facial expression) is that in both you were doing a thing ordinary to marriage, telling the truth to your spouse that you were in need...I'd say in great need, but as you described those communications they were very general. I suspect that if I said the same to my husband being so in stress myself and describing my problem so generally to him would put him into panic. He wouldnt know what to do, to help me. Given his history throughout his life of misguessing other people and so blundering and catching flak for upsetting people, describing something in such a huge way...yes, your problem is big, dont ever doubt that...would cause him to freeze in his tracks, because he loves me, and not knowing what, exactly he could do to alleviate me, he'd go blank and not do anything at all
its a work in progress, all right, but so far, my struggle with workload has inched forward, inch by inch toward better, as tasks have been found that he can do, and that he emotionally signs on to doing. He really does want to help with my problems, but does not want to blunder and fail. It seems to work better if change happens slowly, task by task, so so that he sees himself succeeding at something specific, that he already knows how to do. His own upset at trying something unfamiliar that results in failure is almost palpable, but remember he's had a lifetime of it. I think for us, this adjusting of who does what has had to go slowly and specifically. That will still leave a lot on your shoulders. Especially with those kids.
If he's newly into alcohol recovery and has ADHD, that's a demanding daily mental and emotional load for him. Are you going to Al-anon? If not, that would be a place to get some emotional support for you regarding his recovery, and the group would discuss codependency, which might give you a useful reference point for your own assessment of your stress and workload
I so appreciate what you wrote. Accepting, loving and trying to better help one's ADHD partner does not deal with your workload! StacyG, speaking to your u from the middle of my version of your problem, the more I turn this problem of overwork around in my mind, the more convinced I become that although some of the problem rather directly comes from my husband's ADHD and his ways of handling it and not handling it, my stress and overwork is my problem to solve. Since it's my body taking the hit. With my husband's help, as he can help. This is not good news for you, from another over overworked person. But for me its reality. The buck of my care stops with me.
That doesnt mean I've accomplished enough change to make anything more than a start on my own improvement. I haven't won my own battle. But it at least has moved my expectations from my husband being the source of my sufficient alleviation. He cant be that. He has his own challenging day to deal with. He can only do what he can, not, in this matter of me starting to get major health problems due to exhaustion all that I need. My solutions principally will have to come from me. Which is tough...those kids and some or much of the extra on you cant be abandon d or delayed...lol my husband's suggested solution to me registering in-the-present exhaustion is...to advise me to put the work off or just not do it. That's always worth considering, but as a rule, procrastination doesn't help me.
If your husband does start taking over a specific task and doing it, dont fill that time vacated your work schedule with more work. Or he won't have helped you take a break.
NowOrNever, thank you
Submitted by StacyG on
Thank you so much for you heart-felt words NoworNever, I so appreciate you taking the time to respond and put such empathy behind your post. It sounds like you know very much how I feel, and I feel less alone for your words. I've reached out for references and found a counselor who I think may be just what I need. I am still in a bad place right now, P and I haven't' spoken in days, which takes a lot for me as I'm the kind of person who aches to resolve a problem. I'm almost always the one to initiate healing, regardless of the situation. Sorry to go on, I just wanted to thank you for reading my post, hearing me, and taking the time to be so understanding and caring. You've made a difference to me!
Hello Stacey
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Read up on emotional lability. I too have a spouse that cannot "handle" my or anyones emotions. It doesn't fix it to understand it but you at least know the why.
Your spouse takes meds and I envy you that. He needs to do his side of learning about ADD himself. The meds are a tool that help pave the way to consciously learn about how ADD affects HIM and those around him. Meds alone do not FIX.
Welcome here!
"The meds are only a tool" is precisely right
Submitted by StacyG on
Thank you for your response Zapp, I will definitely look into your suggestions. You are spot on about the meds being a tool, and that he needs to learn how his ADHD affects him and others. I need to do the same as well, then I won't take things so personally, I'm sure. We've been married for 19 years, and it was only 2 years ago that he was diagnosed and prescribed a medication that finally worked for him, mostly helping with his debilitating depression. Thank you again!
Hi StacyG
Submitted by c ur self on
I've been on this forum for over two years, I felt the same as you when I found it...You will find as you read many of the posts that it was like they were looking in your window when they wrote them...The emotional coldness, the hoarding...All of it....I just read what Now wrote to you....I suggest you receive it like she was your sister holding your hand and telling it to you....That is how much love, heart and truth is in her post.....
The only thing I want to emphasize is the last parts of her post.....You must keep your world small, like he doesn't exist...(responsibly and practically our spouses do not in many ways, when it comes to being able to count of them). My children were never as much work as my wife....Not even close!
You may have already figured this out, but, if you click on any of our screen names it will take you to all the things we've posted and all the comments we've made....There are some I've posted about Expectations vs Acceptance that might be helpful....
I didn't know much about add when we married, I had a very busy Job, and one child at home....My workload was very stressful and I got angry and bitter toward my wife...I took everything as intentional....I felt I was drowning and no one would throw me a life line....My heart even started acting up....Please do what ever you need to do to take care of yourself....We all need support....
Hopefully you've got boundaries in place that are being respected....Two things that I guard against that are huge in my marriage...1) Never let her make plans for me; (she will use me up, with no thought.... 2) Never place expectations on her to follow through on anything she says.....I can't place any expectations on her words.....Only actions!....She is well meaning, but, she has no power of self discipline, so she is under the control of a brain that is dysfunctional in most area's that takes discipline....Her words and desires are mostly lost in the air as they are spoken...
I will pray for you....
C
Thank you c ur self, echoes of my thoughts
Submitted by StacyG on
I laughed and cried when I read your response, you captured so much of what I feel. I'm somewhat astounded at the similar stories that I'm reading about on this site, it's surreal to me that other people know what I'm going through. I thought about your suggestion regarding boundaries--it's funny because the only boundaries in place in our marriage seem to be for his benefit, I never really thought about what mine should be. No wonder I'm overwhelmed. I've been the caretaker, cheerleader, mother, counselor, coach.....and that's just for P, not including my boys! I will be following up on your page, you are a terrific writer, thank you for sharing and thank you for your prayers, that means so much to me. I will pray for you as well.
No expectations?
Submitted by LindaLou on
Oh Linda, I feel your pain, I
Submitted by StacyG on
Oh Linda, I feel your pain, I really do. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but what do I say when I can't even seem to help myself to not feel so overwhelmed and exhausted? Maybe this will make you laugh--P came home late from work tonight. I worked a full and part time job, went grocery shopping, dropped my youngest off at karate, and was cleaning the house in preparation for dinner guests tomorrow. He walked in the door, said hello as I breezed past him with my arms full, and he then announced that he was going to bed. I said, "I'd love to be able to go to bed," then got yelled at for trying to start a fight.
I'm always amazed at how he turns the tables on me, instead of simply taking some ownership so that we can move on. Thanks for the reply Linda, I have a feeling we could share hours of similar experiences. I'm trying to stay positive and think of the things in my life and our marriage to be thankful for. Be well.
lindalou
Submitted by c ur self on
I don't know what is leading you to work 4 jobs plus be a wife....But that alone is enough to tire out any human. The reason I place no expectations on my wife is because it effects my emotional state when I do...It also effects our relationship. She is a clinical level ADHD mind...(and will die one, unless God does a miracle...the best I can hope for her is the same as for myself, Awareness of reality) And for me to expect her to be able to meet needs or wants I lay down for her is self inflicted punishment....
I must keep my life manageable whether she exists or not....I am only accountable for my own words actions....As she is for her own. It's quiet simple really. Live and let live...I have no alternative when it comes to my own living of life.....
C
Tired and hopeless
Submitted by TanyaD on
First, I want to thank everyone for sharing your experiences, and pure honesty. I started reading this forum earlier this year when I Googled "my spouse ignores me". What I found was my story all over everyone's stories. For several years in my marriage, I accepted the blame from my spouse. Not without a struggle, but since I was aware of my trauma from my past, I was willing to get therapy for my anger and frustrations. The loneliness, and frustrations with being in a parent role in my marriage did not get any better, and I started to realize that at times, I would be calm and expressive about my feelings, and I would receive the same blaming responses. No matter how I would approach a conversation, my feelings would be perceived as criticism. Not to say that I never expressed criticisms in my frustration, of course I had, but when I tip toe on eggshells, somehow I always crack a shell. I too share the experiences of crying, and my spouse looking at me blankly. Or, my spouse will walk out of the room during a fight and act like nothing happened 30 minutes later. If we have an ugly fight, my spouse will stonewall me until I make amends with apologies. Currently my spouse is in therapy, and has been trying to work on things, but I don't feel hopeful. For a short period of time we were able to talk about the symptoms of adhd, and I was able to take a short break from being told "you just like to fight". Now I'm not even allowed to mention the abbreviation. I'm accused of diagnosing, and analyzing on top of criticizing. I'm just plain afraid to express myself in the wrong way. I feel like I've lost my best friend, and I'm the enemy instead of a trusted wife. I've lost the freedom to be myself, and to have the most casual of conversations with my spouse. We don't have children, but we do own a business together. I handle the majority of the business responsibilities and household financial responsibilities, so of course I'm exhausted, stressed and overwhelmed. I'm tired of crying, feeling sad, lonely, anxious, and resentful. The only hope I have is letting go. Yet I continue to stay. Am I creating my own misery?
I am so sorry.....TanyaD
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I can speak only from my exp with an ADD spouse(for YEARS undiagnosed) and then diagnosed.
So long as there is no effort on their part to address this...there will not be much of a marriage.
Addressed ADD and DENIED ADD are 2 different "species". Kudos to the ones "accepting, learning and moving FORWARD. I will not say what I would like to about those who "refuse"
You have to make the final decision should you stay or should you go. For me, my husband ended the marriage with his continued denial that stole 5 more years of my life( and I LET HIM) thinking any day he might "see" what was happening. I have yet to understand(myself) why it is so hard to "let go" of a relationship that has 2 people "unable" to communicate? Seriously, IT is NOT normal AND THAT is what I am focused on moving away from. I "moved" upstairs(sm. apt)months ago.I cannot help that he does not get it. I too cannot address anything without creating more problems. I don't know "who" I am anymore. Enough.
I like your question....Am I creating my own misery?......For me....I know I gave it my very BEST....and if I stayed.....the answer to that question is .....YES....so I have decided.....enough with the misery of a done long ago marriage. I heard someone say ....if you HAVE to GIVE up WHO you are to be in a marriage...THAT is a deal breaker. The same applies to my spouse......he should NOT want to stay in a marriage where he has to give up who HE is.( I reiterate......DENIED ADD is a continuous, hideous nightmare)
Please let us know how you make out with your self and spouse. Posting here has some very positive outcomes.....you are NOT ALONE.People here are supportive and understand and very often helpful in so many ways with their story or opinion.
Thank you Zapp10
Submitted by TanyaD on
I really appreciate your kind response Zapp10. For now, I just stay quiet, and try not to engage in any disagreements. Holding my tongue and walking away doesn't fix the sadness, but it does diffuse the situation so I can move on to my responsibilities. I'm alone in my marriage, and openly expressing myself is something I cannot do with my spouse any longer. Complaining obviously doesn't help, it only gives ammunition for finger pointing in my direction which I'm completely exhausted by. Just being able to participate on this forum has been more relieving than any conversation with my spouse. That includes my conversations with my spouse and our counselor. Counseling encourages us to change, but if your spouse thinks they're changing when they're not, it's quite difficult to have hope. Today I feel better. Lonely, Yes. Frustrated, Yes. Thinking of divorce, Yes, but I don't question whether or not I'm creating this unhappy marriage. I just know that I can only change my contribution, and keep myself sane. I'm feeling thankful for this outlet and support.
Gratitude
His priorities are just as messed up..
Submitted by tiredmomma1 on
Yes! My husband does this too. I could be seriously depressed and he will just mutter "Oh, you are fine" and fall asleep or basically ignore me. But if one of his friends is depressed, suicidal, or upset over a divorce, in the hospital with an infected foot, it's a CODE RED. OMG, worrying about them, reaching out to them, taking time out of his day to call or visit with them, etc, etc. I don't understand it one bit. I had to drive myself to the hospital when I had a stomach infection, after toughing it out for 3 days. When I was so exhausted and sick I could barely work he threatened to stop paying for my doctors' visits if I went on medical leave. I could literally be ready to jump off a building or dying and it is no big deal. Same thing with our kids. But himself and his buddies and his siblings and parents are always top priority. His mother goes to the hospital with back pain- she is freaking out with worry for her.