If a husband is motivated by his pain and not yours, then you’ve got to think through how to help him experience that pain—pain not caused by you, but as a consequence of his actions. This is such a crucial distinction: you are not to intentionally cause him pain; rather, you’re stopping your previous practice of rescuing him from the painful consequences of the foolish choices he is making. ...Gary Thomas, Counselor.
WOW! I have thought often about whether my H would be happier living with someone else. Someone who knew how to handle/manage him. I had turned into a resentful complainer. I thought that there must be someone out there who would have the right attitude, the right perspective the right "way to be" to be a complement to his life and "live happily ever after" with him. I thought I just didn't know how to BE with him. At the core of that belief, that there is someone out there who could do better than me with him, is this - That he must feel the consequence of his actions. Not my punishments or my criticisms but the pain of the consequence of his actions.
I know that this is the panacea of many of us spouses of analyzing and chaos and desires. That the ADDer become aware and changes. We can't make them change. But we don't have to rescue them from their own pain of their actions. We don't have to be the fall guy for everyone in the family. We don't have to hush it up, dress it up or put up with things that are unacceptable. We can structure our family to turn things around so that the criminal feels the pain of his own crime. So that the children and wife do not have to feel the pain of a parent's irresponsibility/name calling/verbal blaming. But step outside the cycle of enablement and silence and let the blowout happen.
How do we do that? I'm working on that.
How do we do that Jenna??
Submitted by c ur self on
Love and Respect....Love and Respect them enough to allow them to receive their just reward....Stop stepping in front of the pay window when their pay day is due....No one ever learns lasting lessons that have the ability to change them if someone intervenes.....Our pain is always that teacher!
C
I have thought many times
Submitted by dvance on
I have thought many times that my DH would be better served by another kind of woman. I have said as much to him in therapy. I would be thrilled if he would find someone else. Neither of us get any kind of emotional support from the other, there is barely a cursory interest in each other's basic well being. I am so completely emptied out with regard to him that I just have nothing. I have plenty of feelings for my job, my friends, my kids, my pets, my hobbies, but DH--nothing. The other women he has had contact with were very needy, quite passive, and thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. One told him many times what a bitch his wife (me) must be to not see what a wonderful person he is-I saw the emails. I don't blame him for eating that up. Who wouldn't?? I suspect the right fit for an unmedicated ADHD person is a person who does not mind chaos, who does not mind projects unfinished, who may be kind of a mess themselves. That sounds more judgemental than I mean it to--those of us who are frustrated with our ADHD partners are trying mightily to bring some order to our homes and lives, whereas if we didn't care about order and structure, we probably would be able to live with the chaos of life with an ADHD person. I am not explaining this as articulately as I wanted to. Many of us seem to out grow our partners--over the course of long marriages with kids and whatever else life brings, most of us mature--we kinda have to if we want a successful life, and many times our partners don't and that is a big problem. When a 48 year old man acts more like a pal to his 17 year old son than a father, that is kind of a problem, especially to the mom who would like her 17 year old to exhibit more mature behavior, but really, what are the odds of that when his dad is messing around on snapchat with him, slipping him money for things the mom doesn't want him to have, making excuses for his poor grades and poor behavior, staying silent when the son speaks disrespectfully to the mom, playing stupid video games with him and spending two hours a day lifting weights with him while the son is failing 2 classes (wouldn't a responsible dad have the son DO HIS HOMEWORK). Those are the differences in maturity and judgement that make a marriage almost unsustainable.
The only way I can keep my head on straight and still live in my house with my ADHD DH is to disengage. It sucks. Today I was in CVS and "our song" came on their radio and I teared up right there in the shampoo aisle. So dumb but there it is. I miss what I THOUGHT we had. I feel cheated, like I made a really bad choice 22 years ago and man the fallout is everywhere--in the financial mess we are in, in the lack of an adult partner, in the lack of a college fund for the high school senior or his sophomore brother, in the empty marriage, in the bizarre communication and behavior, in the inefficiency and unfinished projects and the mess in the house and garage, in how lonely I am and how unbothered he appears to be, in his lack of fighting for me. We have not had sex in 18 months. What kind of man says nothing about that, even worse--when the marriage counselor asked about it he said he didn't care one way or the other. Okay then. Thanks for that.
In my experience, this is
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
In my experience, this is very difficult to achieve with a person that has ADHD. My husband does not SUFFER the consequences of his actions. He simply adapts and moves on. He thrives on the chaos that he creates. He is very robotic in that way. He never looks back and reflects on what he could have done differently. He just changes his plans and rolls with it. He makes chaos look effortless.
i have been fairly successful at removing myself from his chaos. I hold him accountable for the chaos that he creates. I don't run in circles (anymore) helping him fix the problems that he creates. I just sit back and let him deal with it. His days are long and frantic. He thrives on that. I despise it.
I have read so many relationship books. I've watched countless marriage seminars. I've listened to numerous audio books on parenting. I finally realized that strategies intended for non ADHD people, do not work on ADHD brains. The ADHD brain is immune to love, kindness, and patience. It adapts, overcomes, and ignores many of our efforts to have a real and meaningful relationship.
What does this look like for
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
What does this look like for me? Last week my husband kept out 15 yo daughter out until 9:30 on a school night. She had a very long day of school, then track practice, then rifle practice, then goofing off with her father until 9:30. By the time she got home she was too exhausted to do her homework or pack her bag for her track meet the next day. I managed to very calmly tell my husband that I was concerned about her staying out so late when she has a demanding schedule and needs to rest. Not surprisingly, she overslept the next morning. She was running around the house, she was late for school and didn't have everything that she needed for her track meet. Of course she texted me and asked me to bring the items that she needed to the school by 11:00am. I am only about five minutes from her school and my husband works 35 miles away. It seems completely ridiculous to expect him to make a 70 mile round trip to take her a couple of items, but that's what I did. I called him and very calmly explained our hectic morning and I told him that he would need to take her the items she needed. He didn't have a defense. He knew I was right. He took care of it and I went about my day.
I realize that this is a trivial problem. But I used to run in circles non stop dealing with all of the trivial problems that he created. I finally wore out.
There are also much bigger problems that most likely stem from my husband's ADHD. Our 17 year old son has ADHD and ODD. We have at least one corrupt employee in our business that is stealing from us. And the list goes on. My husband is now dealing with these issues almost exclusively by himself. I just physically, mentally, and emotionally wore out.