H is taking dexamphetamines under the supervision of a psychiatrist for ADD and depression. He started about 14 months ago. If he doesn't monitor how many he is taking he starts to show paranoia and anger - which almost brought our marriage undone. He has settled down now and has been regular in taking them. The last few weeks have been busy and it appears he has been erratic in taking his medications - possibly not taking his Prozac and increasing his dexis. A few days ago he totally overreacted to a comment by our 14 year old daughter after being disturbed by some old plates we had thrown in the rubbish. He thought we were plotting something. He became really and angry and grabbed her and pushed her around - saying she was disrespecting him - and yelling and pointing the finger at me. It only settled after I got my 21 year old son to intervene. It scares us. He has never hurt any of us in our 23 years of marriage. But in January he got really angry and pushed me and my chair into a glass door which then broke, and then threatened to punch me in the face. Whilst I trust him, there is a small part of me that wonders 'what if he really cracks this time'. He is a caring and loving man and I know that this angry man is not the man I married.
My questions:
1. Could this be due to his medications? Has anyone else seen this? He refuses to discuss this and says that the family is the issue.
2. He now has become the victim. Today when I tried to discuss what may have caused him to erupt like that - he said that our daughter was disrespectful and it was her fault. When I said that it was not acceptable for him to push her around - he started yelling again saying I am calling him a violent husband and trying to discredit him and we don't support him. He doesn't appear to be responsible for his own behaviour. It's everyone elses fault. Our kids are really good and well behaved.
Your thoughts?
Not acceptable
Submitted by Dipity on
I have heard these same excuses....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<< 2. He now has become the victim. Today when I tried to discuss what may have caused him to erupt like that - he said that our daughter was disrespectful and it was her fault. When I said that it was not acceptable for him to push her around - he started yelling again saying I am calling him a violent husband and trying to discredit him and we don't support him. He doesn't appear to be responsible for his own behaviour. It's everyone elses fault. Our kids are really good and well behaved. >>>>>
Unfortunately, too many mentally-ill parents have long-heard the message that parents are supposed to be a "united front" when dealing with their children. That philosophy only works with MENTALLY HEALTHY parents.
When one parent is mentally ill, then the healthy parent has to "run interference" to prevent the mentally unstable parent from hurting the child/children.
Our children are well-behaved. Yet, I have had to protect them several times from H's rages. H gets very angry and says that I'm being disloyal or that I'm violating what the "experts" say.
Well, I once talked to H's therapist and explained WHY I have to side with our children on occasions, and his T told me that I needed to continue doing what I think is best. NOW, did the T tell H that? No. So, H still thinks that I am obligated to side with him in regards to our children.
This is Denial
Submitted by kellyj on
The behavior itself is part of living in denial....medication could exacerbate it or bring it out more but it's not from the medication itself.
J
These are my thoughts
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello Wifelife88,
It only settled after I got my 21 year old son to intervene. It scares us. He has never hurt any of us in our 23 years of marriage. But in January he got really angry and pushed me and my chair into a glass door which then broke, and then threatened to punch me in the face.
In reading your words, a son, 21, 15, 30, should not have to INTERVENE. To Liz, your words say PROTECT, and that is simply wrong. What a sad position for a son.
I think you should be scared. Something is brewing. His pressure is building and building and building. . . . . . and then what? When he fully loses it, then what? I have never been pushed, grabbed, or physically hurt. That said, I did experience having my spouse get so close to me, yelling at me, that I could feel his saliva spraying on my own face. That was extremely frightening for me.The boundary I put up for that: I walk away from any conversation that starts to get heated. I say, "I do not want to participate in a conversation where I am treated so rudely." I often walk away with him grumbling, "Go ahead. Walk away. It is what you always do." Sigh.
My experience with medications - in both my son when he was younger and in my spouse in recent years: when the Ritilin or Adderall wore off, at the end of the school day or the end of the work day, we got a mega dose of "The Afternoon Nasties." They became grumpy, irritable, and mean. While it was predictable, it was by no means pleasant to experience - for the 2 men in my life, and for me. For my son, he chose to learn other ways to deal with things, as he did not want that experience every day. My husband's medication has changed, and that is no longer an issue. Whew. A relief for me.
Liz
Good Point
Submitted by kellyj on
Medication is another way to say drugs. Drugs cause changes in your system no matter which ones they are. There is no such thing as taking them and forgetting about it. They're not like taking a vitamin first thing in the morning. My comment about exacerbating another condition or bringing it out I think is accurate to a certain degree along with this. There's a reason they nickname Adderall.....Maderall. Those afternoon nasties that you referred to is your body swinging when the drugs start to wear off. If I can't or forget to fill my prescription for any reason and I have to go a day (or two) without all of a sudden.....I start to really feel it. It's withdrawal plain and simple and it's the same as if I am coming down with the flu or getting sick. The effect that has is the same as it is for you or anyone else....it will make you cranky, irritable and not that fun to be around.
On a smaller but possibly less noticeable scale....this happens everyday when the drugs start to loose effect. If you aren't paying attention to this fact and are not cognizant that this is happening.....it can sneak up on you but......I still contend that this is the persons responsibility to deal with this (the same as if you were getting sick with the flu) and proceed accordingly but....be aware that this is what's happening and not use this as an excuse for being irritable and taking this out on the people you are with.
I feel the same about PMS. I don't believe that having post menstrual cramps and having swings in mood and hormone imbalance gives a person free license to be a bitch to everyone. Sure...it must be uncomfortable and to a certain degree.....you are less in control of your ability to stay level and in control of your emotions but isn't this the same thing? ( as it is with ADHD )
You have to be aware of yourself and take responsibility for your actions under any circumstances. I think your son made a decision that worked for him and it sounds like this was his choice and rightfully so. If he doesn't want to deal with the swings he shouldn't have to but.....still finding a different way to achieve the same thing and not use this as an excuse either.
In my case.....I pay attention to the time of day and notice when things start changing and make adjustments accordingly. If I feel less in control and I know myself well enough that this is happening.....I don't pretend or act as if this isn't happening and say so. " Please excuse me....I need some time right now..or... Now is not a good time for me..or.. This is not the time we should be doing this...or... I'm not able to do this right now, I need a time out" ....instead of denying it and being an ass to other people and to be completing unaware of my body, my mood and how I am behaving.
Acting in this way is like being unconscious and still moving with words coming out of your mouth at the same time. It's like sleep walking your way through life and being completing unaware of your body, you mind and what you are doing. This is a requirement and not optional for everyone. If you aren't doing this...then you are in denial or yourself in any way you choose to look at it.
Just because the drugs wear off and you feel cranky and irritable doesn't mean you have to behave that way outwardly and be an asshole. It's not everyone else's responsibility to cater to you in that case....it you who has to cater to everyone else even if this is happening to you...
The same as when you are sick with the flu, PMS, ADHD or anything else that effects YOU negatively. Sorry....no free lunch and no excuse for bad behavior.
It is possible...to feel pain, be sad, feel angry, feel happy, be depressed, be elated or feel emotionally out of control.....and sit quietly in a chair, not say a word and do nothing. No one can say that this is not possible under almost any circumstance I can think of until you can gather yourself and behave in a rational manner.
This is what they do when they put someone in prison isn't it? They force you (in that case) to sit in a cell and not affect other negatively and there you are....doing the same thing without any say in the matter yet this is exactly what happens none the less:)
J
J
Yep. Yep. Yep.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
J,
I feel your post is Spot-On!
And it is just how I dealt with my own PMS, even after I discovered it was Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. (PMDD) can be considered a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS).
Taking a small dose of Prozac from the 15th day of my cycle, until the next started, helped me A LOT. I had one day of feeling grumpy, rather than 15 days of being a crabby lady, with emotional outbursts, and over-reactions to things that were actually only mild irritants.
For me, even before meds, I clearly marked our family calendar so EVERYONE knew what time of the month it was, took responsibility for my actions, and also asked my family to STEER CLEAR, LEST YOU BE TRAMPLED UNDESERVING-LY.
Why poke a hornet's nest with a stick and think you will be unscathed?!
Liz
Learning
Submitted by sickandtired on
WOW I am learning so much about what it is like from my BF's perspective by reading this post and the thoughtful comments. Everyone who does not understand ADHD should read this. Thanks all ya'll.
Thanks for the clarification
Submitted by Wifelife88 on
That makes sense. The puzzle is becoming clearer. He is often ratty around 5pm. He used to go exercising around that time. Even when the kids were babies he would go jogging with them in a stroller - to relieve the stress. He had a motorcycle accident a few years ago and mutilated his foot. So running is problematic, and he hasn't found any other outlet that gives him the same relief.
His denial about the whole thing is the biggest issue. At the hint of any conflict he seems to fly into the red zone, and says really hurtful things. He has apologised about the incident, knows that he blew it up way out of proportion and acknowledged there is a better way to handle it. He has thanked me for doing my best to stop the situation escalating.
I do not blame him or feel resentful towards him. I am just seeking some answers to provide a peaceful life.
I have the same boundary
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<< The boundary I put up for that: I walk away from any conversation that starts to get heated. I say, "I do not want to participate in a conversation where I am treated so rudely." I often walk away with him grumbling, "Go ahead. Walk away. It is what you always do." Sigh. <<<<
I have the same boundary because I do fear what my H will do. He's already broken things of mine, thrown away things of mine. I do fear that if I stay he may get physical, I do worry that he'll cross that line. He is twice my size and he knows that I can't defend myself.
Now, I need another boundary. H becomes very angry when I leave, and even if I tell him that I'm not going to respond to texts or phone calls while he's angry, he will still text me and tell me what he's going to destroy if I don't call him. Two years ago, when I didn't come home fast enough, he literally empied 2/3 of my closet, took the things away, and put them in an unknown dumpster. He would have emptied my closet completely, but he knew that I was calling the police, so he stopped and left with the stuff that he had already put in his car.
And, he did this AGAIN about 12 months ago, but not my entire closet. The last time he threw away my packed suitcases after I returned from a 2 week trip for a family wedding....the suitcases, of course, were filled with new clothes and new things for this trip. Of course, I needed new things because the year before he threw out nearly all of my things.
In some ways, the blessings of cell phones have become a curse. Obviously, when we were first married over 30 years ago, cell phones didn't exist.
I really need to get him back into therapy.
Mismanaging meds could be the trouble...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
For a long time, my H would mismanage his meds. He'd take too many, then run out the rest of the month. His mood swings were horrific. Every month he swore that he wouldn't do it again, but he would. Then, about 6 months ago, he started giving me all of his meds, as soon as he gets them, and I dispense them on a daily basis. It has made a world of difference.
What to do, what to do
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
overwhelmedwife,
There is not one pat answer for everyone. I surely do not know your full situation.
As Liz walks in her shoes, this would feel too much like a Mom position. Remembering to take medication is one thing. Being irresponsible and using too much is another. Sitting down once a month to set up a monthly pill box, that I can see. You being responsible to 'monitor' your spouse's use of medication. . . . .just isn't setting right.
What are your thoughts?
Liz
I agree
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I agree that it shouldn't be this way. It is like a mom position or really, more of a "nurse" position.
H just realized that he doesn't have the self-control to take his meds properly. I don't like it, but at least it minimizes the mood swings.