Hi all,
I'm really hoping someone might be able to offer me some words of wisdom.
Firstly let me start by saying my husband and I are very much in love, and have been together for 18 years, very happily married for 12 of them, not so happily the last 2. Our marriage has been really pushed to the limits the last 2 years by some issues caused by a narcissistic member of his family. To cut a long story short, those issues and the 2 years of therapy we have done together have led us both to strongly suspect, if not be convinced that he has adhd, though he has not had an official diagnosis.
Having both listened to Melissa's incredible audiobook, this has confirmed this in our minds, as bar the sex issues, and job issues (he is in a very high paced job as an IT project Manager and Head of the Change team so has a very stimulating, mind meant to be full of a 100 things role that plays to his strengths!) it is like reading the book of US! This newfound understanding has been life changing, an I make so many accommodations in my thoughts for his traits that have always hurt me - as I now realize he just forgets rather than that he doesn't care - its fantastic.
The stumbling block I find, that I cant get over as it's not something that I can actively change myself, is that he has no stop button. He wants to say yes to every event or party invitation that we get. Our social group of close friends has a common love of music, and clubbing and also live nearly 2 hours away from us so most of these invitations are to all night events, or parties that would be too far for us to go to and come back in the same day, with distance to travel that knocks out pretty much the whole weekend every time we do it. You may be thinking how fun this sounds, and how boring I sound but we have an 11 year old daughter who is left with relatives every time! That's not to mention the other commitments we have at home (we have a house that requires a lot of maintenance). I'm so fed up of feeling like the fun police, and I don't want to be the only one in our relationship who thinks of these things, he has been out and left our daughter for the whole weekend 3 out of the last 4 weekends (me for 2 of them) and is then complaining that Ive said we should go to a party which would mean leaving her again for the whole weekend this weekend, not to mention we have a ton of house stuff that needs doing. He only sees is as we 'could' go as his parents would babysit her, there is no thought to whether we 'should'. He just gets carried away.
What compounds this problem even further is that he then resents me for being the one that stops the fun.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom please? I'd be very grateful as I feel lost on this one, is medication the only thing that can work on curbing his over enthusiasm? I feel we can probably manage other symptoms without it, though this I just cant see a way that this one will change?
Thankyou
Kat x
I wish I knew
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
God, how I wish I knew how to handle this one. This is another reason why I feel like I have three kids instead of just the two who are under 18.
One thing has improved. My wife used to get angry at me for the house being a mess. I had to repeat it over and over, but I finally got through that we can't clean the house if we are never home! The house isn't cleaner, but she has stopped blaming it on me.
My wife bites off way more than she/we can chew and then gets angry when predictable consequences follow.
We took our kids to Disney right before our daughter turned 10. Every year of her life before that, my wife promised we would be going to Disney that year. She raged at me when I said we could not afford it. She called me a coward "like my father" because I worried too much about money. Then our chimney liner collapsed. I had to take out a loan against my retirement account to replace it. I prayed that I would not run out of gas because sometimes I did not have ANY way to pay for it. We finally went to Disney after her mother died and left her some money. Guess what happened when we got to Florida? She constantly talked about planning our NEXT trip to Florida!
Most of the money is gone and we are bouncing the checking account again. The one positive side is that I managed to get some of the inheritance invested in making necessary repairs on our house. (After we got back from the Florida trip she started talking about putting a hot tub in our back yard, which caused me to get very angry.)
It is also positive that my wife realized on her own that we had to cancel a Thanksgiving trip to a tourist attraction she had scheduled. But that was at the "we are broke, the trip is 2 weeks away, and we have to spend money on presents for the kids" stage.
Thankyou so very much for
Submitted by katbramall on
Thankyou so very much for taking the time to reply to my post. It helps so much just to hear someone that understands what it's like. I have always been the one that has taken care of all the bills in our household too, though my husband does transfer a sum each month into a bills account that we have for a large portion of the monthly outgoings, its all those extras that really add up and stress me out in the same way that they do you. Since we discovered how adhd makes his brain work, and after listening to Melissas incredible book, I have actually taken a different tactic and when those large bills have come in instead of worrying about them and trying to cover them myself, I've asked him for half....every time and I have actually seen him be more money consious and concerned about getting out of his overdraft this month than ever before following. Now I just need to figure out how to get him to equate this into our social life having to involve some 'no's without resenting me for it and realizing it is with good reason.
katbramall....Hello....
Submitted by c ur self on
No, you can't do anything about his view of life (what he thinks is right for him), only he can change that. But, you can do something about how you feel about it....My wife is much like your husband....Ignores her responsibilities at home to a large degree...I want say ignores...I will just say, don't feel in anyway convicted by the undone work...Most any time, and especially when there is fun to be had...So she is him...
Since mid-May she has been on 10 trips out of town anywhere from 2 nights to 5...She works night shift, and works 8, 10 hour shifts...Then she is off 6 days...So during the 8 days, she is mostly in bed all day, and gone to work at night...So those 6 days, (most of us would probably think) should be important to her for catching up on her time w/ me, and her chores etc...But, not so, she spends her breaks and spare moments, planning her next fun trip when she gets off....She doesn't ask me what I think, she comes in and announces her plans...Of course she most always (unless it's a women only event) asks me to go...Never what I think about her going, or what I would like for us to do... LOL.....
So I went on 3 of the 10...One of the 3 I came a day later, because she wanted to spend the night and play games....Most of her trips are to hang out with her two bioligical son's, 32 12 hours away, and 28 3 hours away, Or with her sister's...3 hours, and 2.5 hours....Which is fine, family is great...But it's just her priority ( a mind that revolves around frivolity) she pushes them to do stuff...Anything she deems as fun...People like our spouse's are subjected to an impulsive mind type, and it is extremely tunnel visioned toward what ever they deem as fun (or important to them)...Similar to hyper-focus, but isn't exactly the same,,,,They just have no ability to SEE the big picture of life in most things...To live in a complete circle isn't possible for many. When I say complete circles...I mean putting the proper emphasis (and time sharing) on all things related to life, especially married life, and parenting....This is what you and I and many are experiencing, it sounds like....Now, this by no means, (as you know) doesn't mean that they don't have loving feelings for their spouse and children....What it means is the spouse and children are going to be subjected their life styles...I can't tell you what to do, but, I can tell you how I deal with it....(I don't have minor children in the home, it's easier for me)...In the past, I have tried to fix this by pointing it out....LOL....But, all I did was cause conflict, because she don't think like me:)...So for peace sake I decided I would stop saying anything, and learn to live my life a part from her much of time...Because lets face it, If she don't want to be by my side, or had rather be somewhere else...I want her to...LOL...You and I deserve to have a spouse that is content by our side, and chooses it over their selfish entertainment....I've got many loving family members, many friends, and I have learned how to be content alone....
You will probably find out what I am finding out....The more she realizes I am completely content (have a wonderful life) no matter what she chooses to do with her life....The more she wants to be by my side....Funny how that works....I just tell her to live her life, as for as being a wife is concerned, like she would counsel our two daughters and our daughter in law to do....(She don't really like that, she knows she would never approve of them staying away like she does)...But it's good for her to think on these things (all of us)...I tell her to never get old and have regrets....I'm attempting to do the same....
I really can relate to where you are....So many here probably can....Just take very good care of you, (and your sweet daughter) and try to not allow yourself to make him your identity. Don't allow your emotions to be effected by something you have no control over....(If we do, they control us)...I know you love him, I love my wife...So real love will always have acceptance, and respect involved....You don't have to tell him it's fine, when it's not....It's best to let them work it out....
Blessings friend...
c
I truly cannot thank you
Submitted by katbramall on
I truly cannot thank you enough for your reply which has moved me to tears, just knowing that someone understands completely has made me feel extremely emotional. I read your response last night, and my husband saw a little later that I had wet lashes and asked what was wrong...pushed to know what was wrong actually as I initially said I didn't want to say, but he cares and I love him for that. I explained that I had joined the website community, and about my post and your response and that it had just made me feel emotional. Things become a bit tense as he didn't really respond with anything, despite us having discussed this very issue with our therapist that morning, and him being told he has to really work on listening and not being defensive (he is incredibly so!) .
Weve been at that point of me trying to point it out and it causing conflict, and he said something very interesting at the therapy session, that when I point it out the things we should be doing that he hasnt registered he feels like a failure, so i think what I need to do is try to set the scene right that it's not a personal attack at all, and that he's in no way a failure, just that it's one of my strengths to see the bigger picture and we work best as a team when we play to our strengths, every team does right?!
I actually came into the office a little while after the tense time and found him reading my post, and your response. He really does care, we both love each other desperately and so want our 17 years together to become harmonious again. He said he had no idea, how big an issue this was for me, so thankyou for your response again, for me it helps so much to know that someone is in the same position as me, and I'm guessing it is the same for him to know there are people out there like your wife, who just like him who dont intend to hurt those they love.
I will certainly try the 'if you love something set it free' kind of idea that you do with your wife. I know he wants me at these things so by pulling back and not going, but saying I'm happy for him to, I get to feel less like the killjoy, and hopefully he'll follow my lead.
Warmest regards and thanks,
Kat x
Positive change!
Submitted by c ur self on
(Weve been at that point of me trying to point it out and it causing conflict, and he said something very interesting at the therapy session, that when I point it out the things we should be doing that he hasnt registered he feels like a failure, so i think what I need to do is try to set the scene right that it's not a personal attack at all, and that he's in no way a failure, just that it's one of my strengths to see the bigger picture and we work best as a team when we play to our strengths, every team does right?! )
Your point here is sooooo important! What has to be understood here is....Both of you have to do the work of the relationship....But, both of you think very differently.....What I realized after a lot of tears and arguments over the years was, my wife was offended just by watching me live life!....This is huge!....I'm probably adhd myself, (at some level) but, I was raised by a Mom who made me learn to make responsible living a priority....I have a lot of energy, and I direct it at responsibilities first, then the fun things...
The more you and him STOP thinking the other should think, feel and behave the same way you think and feel, the sooner this will be behind you...Your husband should never be offended for the good things (responsible things) that his wife brings to the marriage...He should just be so thankful for you, and for your strengths, your ability to repeat good habits, and to think responsibly....You should feel free to live, and be the asset you are in your home and in his life...He needs to bath you with love, and show you how much he appreciates you.(opposite of being offended)..LIkewise, he needs to hear affirming, and loving words from you...You know what us men love, (married 17 years) so make him feel loved....
If he push's you, or you push him to like activities that you do not, that is so disrespectful and selfish....Marriage is simple....1) The things that God called me to be in his word, and the things I vowed to be, are not choices...I'm either seeking to be molded by these truths, or I'm rebelling against them...2) Respect Difference's....IF I press my wife to think, feel or make priorities in this life, that go against her convictions...Then I don't want a complete person to love and respect...I want a puppet....
You two are not children, you know right from wrong....As adults we know if we are abandoning our spouses, if we are living selfishly....If we excuse that, then there is no since in discussing it....The product of the marriage will always be limited...Marriage is a perfect union of 2 being 1, it's a life of purity w/ a life long mate...It's awesome!....But it's us fleshly people who get screwed up, get our faulty priorities going, and worse, start defending them......I pray you and your husband choose the more excellent way!
A positive attitude means so much...So does thankfulness....
c