My partner of 10 years was recently diagnosed with ADHD after me asking him to go to a therapist for years. He finally agreed when I pointed out the impact its having on parenting our child who we suspect has also ADHD (not diagnosed). The diagnosis has helped our relationship in general because we are both more aware of and understanding of the role ADHD has in our relationship instead of taking it personally. Its also helped me step back from being as over functioning and enabling him not engaging and learning how to manage certain routine tasks, but i still struggle with accepting this an unbalanced relationship that feels more like i am parenting two kids instead of in an equal partnership.
Tonight when i came home late from an 11 hour shift at work, our preschooler was not only still awake but was filthy and eating a snack in bed while he slept. This happens every week on the one night i work late. I put her to bed 6 nights a week and only expect him to put her to bed once a week because i get home so late that one night. Every week I remind him to please brush her teeth and follow the bedtime routine to get her in bed at a reasonable hour before I get home. Since he has been diagnosed, he now uses the ADHD as an excuse and says it is so difficult with his ADHD but he will try to "push through" next time if i can "cut him more slack.". Even if it explains why he has trouble getting her to bed, i feel its inexcusable for it to fall on me 7 nights a week especially after my long and late work day (too late for our daughter to still be awake and she is always exhausted at school the next day). He acts like I should be more flexible considering his ADHD, but cant I have some expectations? Is it unreasonable to have a strict expectation about a few important things? If I cant expect this as the bare minimum, i do not think I want to be in with him, but i worry if we separate how he will manage being a single parent and its impact on her,.
Any advice from other non ADHD partners trying to parent with an ADHD partner is appreciated!
Tough Love....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm a man setting here reading your post, and getting angry LOL.....Yes you should be able to count on him, and no, adhd is no excuse for what you found/find when you come home late from work....What is he doing that needs you to cut him slack? Digging ditches? LOL....One child, simple adult responsibilities.....I bet he can do anything he wants to do, that entertains him? Am i right?...When a spouse or parent, refuses to see the value, and the need to fulfill their obligations and vows in a marriage relationship, at that point we the partners must do something....Sadly most of us (knee jerk) turn to doing the wrong things....
Don't fuss, don't get mad, don't run to an attorney etc...Calmly Force accountability is my suggestion....You have to come to peace with what you are willing to accept when it comes to what you can expect from him....Start with a simple conversation in front of a good counselor, and have your simple list of what has to change about his priorities...You can't make him love anything more than what it was that kept him from bathing and caring for his own child....But, you can accept it, and not allow it to poison your disposition; so your child has a sweet calm loving mother....What would he lose if you quit work, because he is unfit to trust with simple fatherly responsibilities??...Just pour the pressure on him to step up, by what you will do if he doesn't....If his fun ends, you will find out some things....
Be wise, and don't allow your emotions to be effected...But, I am with you...Our children must be properly cared for.....And adhd is no excuse for that not happening...
Blessings
c
Adhd doesn’t mean you can’t put a kid to bed
Submitted by Sunshine76 on
Hi there, my husband has ADHD and we have six kids including 4 year old twins. While babies were harder for him there has never been a stage where he couldn't put one of our kids to bed.
My husband works a lot and I compensate for it by hiring a babysitter. You didn't mention if your husband works, but I would tell him if she is not in bed next week when you get home you will hire a sitter for the night. Let that money come out of a fund he values. If he is not helping you at all financially then I would talk to a therapist about what you are getting or what are your deal breakers. They may help you sort through that question.
Your child has two parents
Submitted by Dagmar on
Whenever my husband obviously shows that he thinks some parenting requirement should be my job, I firmly say "our child has two parents." It really drives the point home. If he argues that you can say "so you think that not making the kid brush her teeth or go to bed at a decent hour is good parenting?"
Parenting
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I felt the exact same way in my marriage as you do. All the parenting was on me and there was no way to get him to do more. I tried everything within MY control to improve things. And I think that's the issue. It's up to them whether or not they see the problem and are willing to put in the effort to make the change. If your husband is newly diagnosed and medicated, it's fair to wait for some improvement (only if you want to, of course). I was terrified to leave for the same reasons you are. You can read my post history. I tried to wait until my daughter was 18, but I'd lost it by the time she was 13. It was a risk. ADHD inertia being what it is, my husband doesn't care about custody. She's with me all the time and I'm grateful. But that's a huge risk to take and I get that. Please know you're not alone and it is a completely reasonable expectation to have a real partner that carries part of the load of day to day life.
What about...
Submitted by Jorund on
Oh man, pieces of this ring so true for me, except gender is switched. I wish I had some advice for ya but I dont. My wife is often too busy with 'projects' around the house to put them to bed on time, brush their teeth etc. What about this though. For context, I must first mention patience is a necessary virtue for all partners of ADHD spouses. So, what about start by asking for his attention about a matter that is important to you that you want to discuss. Then, mention how it is important to you that your daughter gets to bed by a certain time (and time can be flexible) and brushing teeth etc, and mention the time you are thinking and see what they say. I feel like the only way this stuff works is if the ADHD partner is on board with it, so getting some form of consensus I think is key. Then, when they slip up, and they will, I think patience and reminders are needed. Once its established that this is whats important for you, can offer friendly reminder via text or phone call or what have you. Also important I think is to tell them to have fun with the bedtime and make it their own, as long as those certain things get done which you can both agree are important? What about that? On a sidenote I find it crazy that something like this even needs to be done but the key for me is to continually remind myself it is a mental health issue, and its not that they are a bad person or dont understand whats important. In terms of maintaining, the process would need to be gradual but it would be nice to get out of reminders and into a system they feel will work for them. I just find its so important for the ADHD person to feel they came up with it, for lack of a better term. You are more just a facilitator in helping them find a way that works for them to get the job done. But in my experience they always slip up. Gentle, kind reminders work best in my house (if it works at all). gender might play a factor here, but it might not. Has to not feel like nagging and more allowing them to engage their personality but also get what you both feel is important accomplished.