Submitted by Pink on 08/11/2010.
My husband has ADHD. We are having a problem with parking tickets. He been getting ticket almost every week or other weeks. He doesn't pay them and hide them. I remind him to pay them. First, I get angry for getting the ticket in the first place because of his careless. Then, I said okay you got the ticket and now you need to pay it. He still doesn't do that. By the time I keep reminding him... he gets another ticket. He doesn't work. I am the one end up paying all the tickets with fine. I need help here. What am I suppose to do? As of right now... we have 2 outstanding tickets. Help!
Hi, I'm not sure what to
Submitted by hollyamy27 on
Hi,
I'm not sure what to 'tell' you to do or advise how you should go about your personal situation, however I can tell you how I helped my guy sort his ticket issues out. He had a lot and it took some time and spread sheets but eventually it was all sorted through and he pays everything on time now.
First I took all the paperwork he had on things from courts, tickets, notices...etc. (there were 8 or 12 courts - and a lot of paperwork) but I sifted through them and tackled 1 by 1 by calling each court to get the current status(pending court a date, resolved, paid off or money still owed).
Items with money still owed I asked the admin office for a payment plan (of which some courts required an attended court date to request a payment plan from a judge), if this was the case I asked them what was the likely hood he could go to jail for any of his tickets and at least I knew what to expect. Most of them just needed to be set up on plans to be paid monthly so he could pay off the fees, most of the courts agreed with no argument as long as we showed up for the court date as agreed.
If the ticket was at one time agreed for a time payment plan and it was defaulted, I asked the admin office if it could be re-instated w/o having to go back to the court for another date to request re-activation and most of them were willing to considering I explained the past situation compared to the current situation (there were many long phn calls because of the explaining) however, it paid off because they got the picture and knew I would help him stay consistent and if he did not that I would be responsible for the payments if he defaulted. I think out of the 8 only two courts needed us to come in for a date to re-activate the old payment plan.
Most of his tickets were much more significant than parking tickets so I would 'assume' you just need to pay the parking items off and you would be ok, but I'm not sure either. It's really best to call the district town listed on the ticket and ask the current status and how to resolve it and if you pay it right now or tomorrow will it be closed...see what they say.
~Best~
I can check the status online
Submitted by Pink on
I can check the status online by typing the license place #. My issues are:
1 why can't he pay more attention in the first place and avoid getting ticket.
2 Once they get the ticket, why they don't pay it and finish with it.
3. They keep making the same mistake.
4. They have a mind that doesn't understand the punishment when they get the ticket.
5. That punishment come to me which I have nothing to do with it. Now, he is mad at me.
I understand your
Submitted by hollyamy27 on
I understand your frustration, I'm just saying what helped me/us move past it. For me to stop the frustration cycle I had to accept things and then agree if I wanted to take on some of the work and show him it could be easier than he was making and that if he got a ticket to not be afraid to tell me because I was going to get mad - it's a reasonable response in my opinion if it keeps happening.
I wish I had solid answers for your questions, we are all asking ourselves and our partners similar questions and trying to work through things to find the answers we need. I can tell you how I see it and maybe it will help to see a new perspective...
-why can't he pay more attention in the first place and avoid getting ticket.
No one can answer this for someone else....I know it's frustrating as hell - it takes a lot of effort when you have ADD to not repeat things agaon and again and only when meds and counseling and a willingness on his part to want to do better are in combonation to do positive things result.
-Once they get the ticket, why they don't pay it and finish with it.
The forgetting they have it or they are afraid to confront it or do anything if they feel you will get mad at them for presenting the issue. It took me a lot of effort to control my anger w/ these things so he could feel better about coming to me in attemps to gain my help in showing him how easy it is to resolve if done 'immediately'.
-They keep making the same mistake.
First and foremost, we have to accept they have ADD/ADHD and because of this the 'repeat' mistakes will not dissolve completely or maybe never -it depends on the individual. 'Bettering' it, requires consistent medication, counseling and his own willingness to 'want' to improve and a partner who can be supportive but firm (not a doormat) and the courage to not enable everything so he has a chance be his own advocate sometimes. It has taken me & mine a lot of time and many 'mistakes' for one or two mistakes to stop happening all together but I have seen a few of my guys repeat mistakes go away for good and not be replaced by others so success is real and worth the work put in.
-They have a mind that doesn't understand the punishment when they get the ticket.
I'm not sure of this comment - mine 'understands' the punishment behind his actions repeat or not. It's the 'forgetting' and getting into the action 'again' that is the issue. He knows if he puts his hand on a hot stove it will burn, but just because he knows this does not mean it fixes how his 'brain' pays attention to 'where' he puts his hand next time he is in the kitchen when he's reaching to get something while looking elsewhere and he leans on the stove again because he 'forgot' to look or just didn't look....trust me when I say it's not 'typically' the punishment they don't 'understand', I think this would be rare in most cases.
-That punishment come to me which I have nothing to do with it. Now, he is mad at me.
He needs to accept that you are not responsible for his actions - it's simple - When you are with him sure you can remind of what to do and not to do however, it is still not your 'job'. I'm not sure what you mean by the punishment comes to you, but if he carries out an action then the punishment is his alone and it would seem he has trouble accepting that and he needs to realize it.
~Best~
Thanks. It does help by
Submitted by Pink on
Thanks. It does help by giving example. What I mean the punishment to me... because I am the one end up paying the tickets. He doesn't work. He refuse to take it from his saving to pay for the tickets.
Stop punishing yourself
Submitted by LizMarie on
Why are you paying the tickets? You have no consequences unless the car is registered in your name too. I am a frequent sufferer of parking tickets by association - went to get a city parking sticker and was denied because of parking tickets, which tripled in value because of non-payment! If they could only pay the dang things right away and not stash them away out of sight and out of mind. More serious tickets have brought the PD to our door for payment! But that doesn’t seem to be a deterrent.
Thank you
Submitted by Pink on
First, I am the owner of the car (I paid for it). His name on the car as well. I have rather pay the amount of the ticket then wait for him to take action and pay double the amount. He finally paid the ticket from his saving last night. In the last 3 months we have paid over $800 just for tickets. I have told him that you can't buy new suit or any clothing for this fall. You have waste the money on tickets rather than buying new items. That was it. Yes, we are in counseling and we talk about him not working and tickets. He keep changing the topic and avoid taking responsibility. I hope with in time keep going to counseling he will understand. Thank you everyone for your feedback.
This is a completely
Submitted by hollyamy27 on
This is a completely different scenario. First off, it is NOT a partnership as marriage would 'describe' if he makes mistakes and refuses to fix them or blames you or does nothing to help fix the situation or waits for you do fix it so he doesn't have to. By paying these tickets that were a result of his mistakes
- you are enabling him not to do anything about it himself. Nor is refusing to work - this is not ok. It sounds like he needs counseling to help him through what he may be having issues with.
Trust me when I say, it will catch up to him eventually and faster than he realizes if he does not take care of it now. I'm speaking from experience and from nearly 10+ years of my fiance running from this type of thing before it caught up to him and he was nailed big time.
What stopped my fiance from driving when nothing else did, I and everyone who was helping him 'pay' a few things had to step out of the picture and refuse to help him and allow my fiance to go to jail twice for getting caught driving while suspended and not taking care of things properly. First time he was gone from August to mid September out for two weeks to be caught again and put away for another 45 days! He ran into several people while in jail who 'just' had piles of unpaid parking tickets and they were eventually taken to jail apparently - one of them who is now a really great friend of ours and I'm sure could attest to his own parking ticket story here. I myself got a warrant twice for two parking tickets that went unpaid a few years ago and that in itself was scary enough...I think I didn't pay for 90 days...don't recall exact time frame.
My fiance needed to figure out another way to get a ride to & from work to make money (train, carpool, bus..combo) It was not until jail time that he realized this stuff would catch up to him and he had to stop driving, ask for more help from friends and family or he would not just loose me, he would also loose everything else in the process.
Perhaps he is not aware that this type of thing could end up more serious than he realizes...
~Best~
In some countries they don't
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
In some countries they don't allow people diagnosed with ADD to drive.
Both hubby and I are good drivers. I have never gotten a ticket and hubby has gotten two (for speeding) over the years. I have never really understood why they don't allow ADDers not to drive in some parts of the world, but perhaps some of us are really bad drivers after all.
Hubby and I have both taken excellent driver's training. The defensive driver's class I took was amazing. Would it be possible to get your spouses to take such a class?
Most of his tickets has to do
Submitted by Pink on
Most of his tickets has to do with:
Not Moving the car for cleaning street ( Which I remind him every week)
Expired Meter
No parking allowed
Expired inspection (which I remind him)
Drive pass a Red light
One time he got speeding ticket. He was driving alone. (he blame me ).
I hear ya
Submitted by skoonix on
I could relate to this - the amount of money I have had to spend on my wife's parking tickets, getting towed, etc - well we could vacation in Europe on it. It happens constantly - and the night of our daughter's school orientation, her car was towed because she parked right next to a huge sign saying Tow Away Zone. And let me tell you - once you are towed - it is REALLY expensive - the ticket PLUS the towing fee. It adds up - the frustration, the anger - it is hard. Yes, in a perfect world, one will go "Oh, you silly!!" and ruffle their hair but after the twentieth time it is only human nature to want to scream and pound your fists against the wall. And many ADHD'rs will go "well, what's YOUR problem? Why are you so upset?" They literally forget all the other parking tickets that led up to this ONE - the one that has now made you upset - so you have to spend all this energy reminded them and then they go "Oh. Yeah. Now I remember." It has taken YEARS off my life.
Not again
Submitted by Pink on
Just as I think I was over with parking ticket. Last week on Wednesday he park on No Parking any time. The car was towed. He had the kids with him. He called me and tell me it is my fault. (I am at work). He has to find his way by bus to get home. I got very upset because the next day we were going on vacation and we need the car right away. I had to wait for the police to put it on the system. As I got home he is still mad at me for it. I was lucky to find it and he went to get it and pay the fine. After the fine the parking ticket. Yes, he complain that I didn't buy him a suit that is more than the price of the suit. I do not know what to do. Something is wrong. Lack of attention is a very big problem here. I just told him yesterday that in order to avoid a problem that need to be taken away from him. In other word, I have to sell the car and get rid of it so he can't get a ticket. It is such a shame that he can't seem to understand or able to pay attention.