My husband was diagnosed with ADHD this year, we have two young children and the fights have become increasingly constant. I don't know how to deal with the situation anymore, because I feel exhausted. I would really like him to seek treatment and objective tools for everyday life. He started therapy last year, after many requests from me, but this year he hasn't returned and isn't receptive to any help. I find myself at a dead end, as my two options are flawed, one would be for us to talk and try to resolve the conflicts, but he is incapable of doing so, the other option is for me to try to overlook the situations and keep them to myself without verbalizing them, but this ends up generating I feel frustrated and angry and I end up exploding over small things (the bucket is always full and about to spill) and he can't understand why, so he sees me as bad-tempered, bossy, annoying, stressed. I don't know how to make him understand the importance of seeking treatment. And simply accepting that he won't seek treatment is like sentencing our relationship to failure.
Partner does not seek help
Submitted by Lonely21 on 03/18/2024.
No good options
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I really understand the difficult position you're in as I've been there myself. The only "good" option is for the ADHD partner to accept treatment and earnestly work on the issues the ADHD is causing. Failing that, for me I felt like my options were 1. Stay/accept and slowly continue to die a death of a million papercuts or 2. Leave and tank my finances and family, risking sharing custody with someone incapable of caring for our child. (I chose option 2 btw, and I can't tell you how much healthier I am and my daughter is after leaving this situation.)
There is only so much you can do to make your husband understand the need to seek treatment. From there, it's up to him, and if he won't or can't see it, then you probably are looking at a set of "flawed" options as you say. If "nice" hasn't worked, you can consider an ultimatum (providing you're willing to dish out the consequence). E.G. "I've signed us up for Melissa's couples course because we either get support for this or I can't stay in the marriage." or firmer: "If you don't return to and stay in treatment and start taking medication, I can't stay in the marriage." I get that ultimatums aren't great and wouldn't recommend them in a "normal" relationship where communication actually works. Only personal experience here, but I found all the gentle approaches completely useless with my partner. He was great at avoiding work and accountability and legitimately didn't seem to understand that I was adulting for two while he surfed poker sites, made messes everywhere and lived the life of a teenage boy. I wish I would have gone in harder sooner about ADHD treatment because I would have seen years earlier he had no intention of changing a thing.
Wishing you the best and I hope you get some relief, somehow.
Your nagging is his comfort....
Submitted by c ur self on
Spouses who prioritize (time and attention) other people, places, or things, above the needs of their spouse and children, know it!...So when we (the spouse) lock into a pattern of emotionally pointing it out...They get comfortable w/ that...It let's them off the hook, by giving them a place to lay the blame...And not have to focus on the real problem, their laziness in responsible family living....Not to mention this state of unrest in us, just builds emotional scaring...One of three things usually happens in these situations...1) Nothing changes and you live over burdened, angry, and there is very little peace between you...2) Divorce... 3) the spouse who is responsible, and being abused (over burdened) learns to force accountability by being quiet, non-participation, placing boundaries, and by creating an environment where they never depend on an unreliable source...Many times number three will create one of two things....They leave when they can't have their cake and eat it to...Or they will seek help and learn responsibile life discipline's....
I did 3)...And I live w/ a lot of boundaries...The worse thing possible that we can possibly do, is Mother them, pickup behind them, which is just enabling their laziness in the mundane work of married life....Also, it is very selfish of us to not consider our demeanor, words, and temperament around our precious children....Y'all or both adults...Your babies have no choice, they deserve love, peace, and calm...?
Bless you
c