Submitted by TC99 on 04/21/2015.
My partner is an adult in her 40's and has diagnosed ADHD.
She is on meds (ritalin generic) and wants to have a baby. I have to do most of the housework as she either can't concentrate, sees it as beneath her or is just lazy, the effect is the same though, I have to do it. . I despair at the thought of all the work that having a baby entails knowing that she will probably do less and I will have to do most of it.
She is hugely argumentative and drinks far too much. I am thinking that if she shouts any more and points her finger at me I will say enough, you're dumped.
Problem is I love her very much. Any help gratefully received.
Hang in there -
Submitted by Nvrslps on
(edited at the request of the original poster. Basic essence - don't have a child now.)
(generalization edited out)
Bad Advice
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I am not going to edit this out, but was tempted - your advice is very negative and, in my opinion, insensitive. Makes me kind of mad, in fact. The stories at this site are biased by who finds it and who needs it (i.e. couples who are in trouble - those who are not in trouble have little rationale for posting). Further, there are significant success stories hidden behind these pages - and when people feel more comfortable, they tend to stop posting. Again, people most need support when they are in significant trouble. So do not take the general tenor here as the 'be all and end all.'
If you wish to find a success story, look no further than my own. And I will guarantee you that there are many, many more. I know this because I encounter them regularly, particularly from seminar participants. If you want to read more about mine, you can pick from either book, but particularly my first one, to get the details.
Furthermore, though children was not the topic of my books, I would certainly write that my two children bring some of the greatest joy to my life of anything! My eldest (a daughter) has ADHD, and she is one of the most amazing people I know. Literally. Does she struggle with ADHD symptoms? Yes, but what she has learned from that struggle is exactly what makes her so special - empathetic, kind, thoughtful, not egotistical,...She is also creative, lovely, very curious about the world around her, and much, much more. I can't say enough positive things. At 24 she understands how varied people are, and that everyone - not just those with ADHD - have something with which they struggle. We would all be well served to be so wise and empathetic.
My son does not have ADHD, and he is also a joy and an amazing person. His story, however, is less relevant for this post.
I have learned a great deal from helping the two of them grow up, and watching with amazement and joy as they have found their own special paths. They bring a tremendous amount of happiness and meaning to my life. I would never, in a million years, suggest to anyone that they should not have children simply because one partner has ADHD. And, as has been documented, that is not because my husband and I haven't struggled with this issue.
But, if you actually look at the broader marriage research, what you see is that after the first year of marriage the vast majority of couples start to feel less positively about each other. Furthermore, having children IS a stress - for everyone...not just those with ADHD. Does that mean we shouldn't have kids? No, it means that we should prepare better for how to protect our relationships under the pressure that having little ones around puts on our relationships. ADHD adds to the pressure, but we know much more now than we did about how to manage that, too.
The issue for the original poster isn't "don't have a baby because the baby might have ADHD!" The issue here is that the partner drinks too much and has not shown sensitivity to the needs of the the other partner. There is a stability issue - and these need to be ironed out before anyone commits to a long-term relationship, particularly one that includes a commitment to bringing a child into the world.
I agree. The post was
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
I agree. The post was completely offensive. Don't have a baby because the baby might have ADHD is an awful thing to say-and completely off-point.
This poster's significant other appears to be an alcoholic; that is the main issue here.
It's true that the people on this site are self-selecting and tend to be the ones with the most dramatic problems. I, myself, have never been unemployed, nor an addict of any kind. I'm a college graduate, speak another language, have two black belts, a house, no debt (aside from the house), was Teacher of the Year in my school, eat a super clean diet that the vast, vast majority of non-ADHD people would not have the discipline to achieve, run regularly and lift weights, and am very, very goal-oriented, in spite of deficits in the motivational system of my brain. I continually, and I mean DAILY, ask myself the question "What can I do better?"
I like to chime in BECAUSE I feel it is important for people to know that there is hope in absence of perfection. I feel negativity is a cancer and the stories on this site are full of them. I want to do my part to help people realize there is another way. Resentment poisons everything, It poisoned me until I realized that the anecdote was looking within and working on me. It was the same for Melissa, though we sit on opposite, though not opposing, sides of the ADHD fence.
Within the past few days, I posted about how wonderful my ADHD son is-so I won't bother to rehash that. I will only say he has the kindest heart of anyone I have ever met.
Thanks, Melissa, for speaking up.
ADHDMomof2
While I agree with....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
...the belief that saying "don't have a baby because the baby may have ADHD" isn't the right thing to say, there were some good points made.
The non-ADHD potential parent is concerned that the ADHD mom in THIS case won't do the "parent duties." That is a legit concern. My ADHD MIL didn't do the parent duties. It was a problem.
>>
I have to do most of the housework as she either can't concentrate, sees it as beneath her or is just lazy, the effect is the same though, I have to do it. . I despair at the thought of all the work that having a baby entails knowing that she will probably do less and I will have to do most of it.
She is hugely argumentative and drinks far too much. I am thinking that if she shouts any more and points her finger at me I will say enough, you're dumped.
>>>
The potential-mother in the OP's story drinks too much, is either lazy or more interested in doing what she wants to do (my MIL).
Not meaning to sound sexist, but if the mom is going to be the primary care-taker, then she needs to be willing and able to do the work. An ADHD father who works full time and has a SAHM wife isn't going to have the same issues as the reverse.
I Had to Calm Down Too Melissa...
Submitted by kellyj on
And think about these comments before I said anything...because they immediately made me angry too. My thoughts..(going along with ADDMOMof2)...and yeah, I am taking a break but I came back only to make a quick post saying "what a good day my wife and I had yesterday"(still intend to) an explain why that was. If you're interested you can check it out (or not? lol )
But I had to chime in too....."This poster's significant other appears to be an alcoholic; that is the main issue here." is exactly right. Why that is could be anyone's guess but making an immediate assumption that it or any other problems in a person's marriage has anything to do with ADHD is the same thing that other people do when they assume that everyone with ADHD uses that as an excuse. It's the first thing that anyone says across the board..... and most who say this in my experience.....know absolutely nothing about it. I'm still trying to understand where this pervasive attitude comes from in other people? But it is consistently....the pervasive attitude! Give me a break? No really....give me a break! lol
What I see when I read the original posters comments: I think he has legitimate concerns.
Take ADHD out of the picture..... and you have a woman in her 40's who appears to self medicate and has a problem with taking responsibility....and wants to have a baby? There's the problem not ADHD. He also didn't say he or (they) want to have a baby together.....as I read it, it's just her at this point. Another glaring problem if that's true? Add the self medicating to escape (something ) with a problem in taking responsibility, lashing out when confronted with possibly having her current or future panacea taken away (looking for yet another way to escape or to make it all better)....and you've got a recipe for disaster in my humble opinion.
What's so hard to see here? Is this not obvious?? ( even if you didn't see this before ) Also......isn't this a common issue or problem that you could hear with anyone in this situations ADHD or not? If you answer no at this point I'm going to scream! ( kidding here really lol ) Occams Razor!!!!!!
None of that has anything to do with ADHD but yet it's the first thing that gets blamed for everything and no one seems to question that? For every person who comes to this forum with problems in their marriage....I would lay money down that there is an equal amount out there where one spouse has ADHD and do not have THESE issues. Not to say that there aren't problems to deal with and face that are specific to us.....but not THESE issues ....that's been my own experience and with other couples I know where the person has ADHD (and have kids too).
The biggest problem I see aside from this however.... with us and the non's..... I now believe (now based on my experience here only ) has to do with the type of person who chooses to be with us....saying, it takes a special person in temperament and personality to simply walk in off the street and do well in a relationship with us and in the case of ADHD....opposite attraction is a HUGE mistake to make even if it's attractive at first....saying, it won't be later, that's for sure!!
No one is at fault in this case, but for that person (the non) to blame everyone with their own personal exception for everyone who has ADHD for any or all the issues associated with us having ADHD....... is neither fair or accurate because it simply is not true.......for them yes, but not for everyone.
The problems that my wife and I have faced is less to do with being opposites in the big scheme of things because this is not true......we're quite a like in most ways except for the big issue we face together....organization, clutter and messiness is where we are diametrically opposed to one another. That is true and accurate. And that's the main issue we have and I think it is a legitimate one for my wife to make of me which is why I am doing something about it (willingly by my own choice)
But irresponsibility, angry lashing out because you drink too much and a pervasive attitude that's looking for someone or something else to fix your problems and then being angry or blaming because this doesn't happen for them (instead of looking inward towards yourself for a solution ) is not exclusive to having ADHD by any means or argument you could try and make here. My two bit.
J