Me (34F) and my ex boyfriend (33M, dx ADHD during childhood ) have been exclusively dating for 7 months. On the first day we met, he already asked if we could date exclusive into which I agreed because I am looking for a serious and lasting relationship. As we date, I noticed his closeness to other women, one he has a female best friend who he dated before and second, another woman who he said is just a friend. I established my boundary that talking to a lot of women daily is unacceptable to me and meeting them in private is also disrespectful. He said he minimized talking to them and met them seldom. But the second woman was always the one I had a feeling has feelings for him more than a friend.
Fast forward this September, I got angry at him for not answering his phone. He was not the calling guy and only does videocalls because I am used to doing it with family and friends. I got a feeling he is with another woman or is doing something in hiding. I went to his house and told him I am mad as he has been ignoring my calls minutes after our last message. He has been doing it before too but this time I got extremely emotional about it. As we were talking, I saw some pills on his table and to my surprise, one was a contraceptive pill. I was mad as hell and asked him to whom it belongs. After that he told me everything. That the second woman slept at his place last night and also slept there 7 or more times since we dated. He also told me he dated this woman before me! I was so angry that I told him to message the woman and tell her not to meet again! I slapped him and punch him on the shoulder and said a lot of awful things! I was so mad all I can think of is call him names. He said the reason he did that was because sometimes when I am not around he needs someone to be there. That he is empty inside and nothing really reached his heart. He said they never had sex while the two of us are dating but they took a bath together and cuddled which I told him was disgusting! I asked him more than 10 times if they had sex or not because I am worried of contacting STD to which he consistently answered no they didn’t have sex because to him, she is not as attractive as I am.
We get back together then he broke up with me because he said he can’t forgive himself for what he did and that he needed to find himself. He was crying so hard the day I found out he was lying. He even cried more after that, even while we were dojng groceries, he would cry. He promised to never lie again and not do it again but he needed to heal before going into a relationship. He broke up with me but then asked if I could wait for him until he figures himself.
H told me he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was young. I never gave it a thought so much but when all these happened, I searched and read a lot about ADHD. He also was diagnosed with depression and had anxiety throughout our relationship. My question is:
1. could it be that because of his ADHD he made impulsive actions with another woman and may also be the woman stimulates him more because they have the same hobbies and likes? He also said they are both lonely and different so they relate to each other
2. When he told me he loves me and wants to build a family did he mean it or he just said that to please me because he knows having a family is one of my dreams.
3. When he said he won’t lie and do it again did he mean it or there’s a big possibility he would do it again?
4. Should I wait for him or just let him go?
I need help for clarity! Thanks in advance everybody!
Find someone else
Submitted by adhd32 on
This man is not for you. He may have meant the things he said at the time but once he had to actually do the work to keep you, he found a more shiny focus. He has shown you who he is. If you stay it will be more of the same unless he gets help. You are now seeing who he really is. Do not blame yourself for anything you did or didn't do, it isn't you! You could provide everything he wants and he would still be out tom-catting around. Best to cut your losses and consider the last 7 months an immersive lesson into the world of adhd relationships. Find a partner with the qualities that make a great parent if you are looking for stability and a family life.
Thinking about giving up
Submitted by hazelknuttss on
Thank you so much for you reply! I have been waiting for someone to answer my questions! I encouraged him to go to therapy and even told him we could go together but he is stubborn saying he can do it by himself. I love him dearly but the relationship would be hard to sustain as the trust is already broken. He always says he doesn't know what he wants and that he will see how he feels, which is to me very uncertain and unpredictable, its like he could change his mind and decision anytime he wants and that would be hard if we already have a family. I am considering ending things with him after we meet and talk again next week.
You’re not giving up
Submitted by sickandtired on
Deciding to get out of a toxic relationship is not giving up. Staying in a toxic relationship is giving up on your life and your happiness. Leaving a person like this is the HEALTHY thing to do.
adhd32 nailed it
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
100%. No question. Cut your losses.
I agree with
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree with others. He has shown you who he is. Best to end things now, and go no contract.
Thinking about ending it all
Submitted by hazelknuttss on
I know what I should do but I love him so I am finding it hard and I want to sustain our relationship. I told him to go therapy and I could also go, he said maybe that could help but still he is not 100% decided on it. He is kind to me and took care of my needs too. He is there for me to comfort me especially that I am away from my family. We have different cultural background as he is from Europe and me from Asia but he adjusted well for me and even met my parents and friends. I will carefully think about your advices! We both want to give it one last try. I appreciate all your replies from the bottom of my heart!
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Submitted by BurnedOutLady on
Breaking up is very painful, yes. But other people here are years or decades into bad situations, with children and businesses all tied up in dysfunctional marriages. Read the forum, see the terrible pain here? Do you want to end up like that? You are not yet entangled with this man. You have a chance to get out now and you should take it. He has shown himself to be deeply troubled, and worse, totally willing to lie and deceive you. People who do that once will most likely do it again and again. You need to understand why you are unable to walk away now. The real problem here isn't this broken dishonest man, it's you hanging on to him when every sign in the world says LEAVE NOW. You need to believe you deserve better and that you can find somone who won't break your heart and your spirit again and again.
Kind?
Submitted by sickandtired on
You say he's kind to you and meets your needs? He's cheating on you and lying about it. He said he took a bath with an ex girlfriend but did not have sex with her? Let's get real here... That is almost impossible for any man to resist not having sex! And you have to ask yourself WHY would he even agree to bathe with another woman? That is supremely disrespectful to you and it proves that he's only thinking about himself. He's lying to you, and if you let him disrespect you like this, he will use your kindness against you from now on. You are setting yourself up for a horrible life with someone who is NOT worthy of your trust. Please do not marry this man because he will CHEAT on you.
I ended things
Submitted by hazelknuttss on
Thank you so much for your advices! Usually I am stubborn when it comes to loving someone but he didn't deserve it. He always said he doesn't and he did show me why. He promised he wouldn't message the other woman anymore but then told me today he did messaged her because of some concerning Whatsapp status? Totally can't be trusted, can't even stand up to his words. Its true, I will make my life miserable if I stay so today I brought my power back and I ended things with him and told him to never ever message me again! Blocked him on everything anyways! Again, appreciate your advices! It pushed me to do the right thing! Courage to you all!
So great
Submitted by adhd32 on
You don't know it now but you saved yourself so much heartache. Bravo!
You saved me
Submitted by hazelknuttss on
Thank you so much! Means a lot!
He may beg to come back
Submitted by sickandtired on
I'm so happy you have chosen to be healthy and take your power back. I felt the same way when I broke up with my ex. Please be prepared that in a few days or weeks, he may show up at your door and try to beg you to let him back in. He may try to manipulate you and make you feel guilty if you don't take him back. My ex did this for years, first begging, then demanding, then threatening.... so please be prepared to say no multiple times before he gets the message. I guess it's just part of the adhd mindset that he may have to be told it's over more than just once. Or better yet, if he shows up at your home or workplace, do not talk to him at all, because it just gives him something to argue about with you and wear you down. My ex would borrow stranger's phones and leave messages, because that was the only way he could get through to me because I had blocked his phone.
I'm so proud of you getting out and choosing a healthy life. When you eventually meet someone new ( like I did), he will seem like a luxury to you because you won't have to deal with all of the stress and lies. Congratulations!
Your words helped a lot!
Submitted by hazelknuttss on
I don't know if he would beg but I hope when he does I would not be affected by him again, will be firm and won't be moved. It was really hard to let him go as we already planned a lot for our future. But all of those were lies, just to hook me and gave me false hopes. Today was also hard, I cried countless times before I decided but at the same time it was liberating. I was not a perfect partner but I definitely loved truly and faithfully, I even convinced him to work things out many times but enough is enough. I deserve the love I give him back to myself and maybe in the future, if I could have the chance to love again, I pray it would be everything I hope for.
I am happy for you that you finally experience the kind of love you truly deserve!
Way to go!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It takes a lot of strength to do what you did. Congratulations for making the healthy choice for you. You would be suspicious of every interaction outside of the relationship if you'd given him another chance. When you're with someone you can trust, you don't have to worry about that... when they're interacting with someone else you should be able to feel confident in what you have and not second guess. He could never give that feeling of trust that should come naturally in a healthy committed relationship. SO proud of you!!!!! ♥️
Really took a lot of strength
Submitted by hazelknuttss on
You are right, it required a lot of strength! For the past 7 months I had a feeling that when he talks to his female friends, he has some agenda and flirtings. I mean, he admitted that he could be flirty and wants attention from female friends so definitely had that gut feeling. Just didn't expect he would lie a lot when he told me he will never lie and will say the truth. It hurts to be betrayed even though at some point I thought maybe he would or might cheat.
I hope I can trust someone again in the future. Would probably be hard but I am hopeful. Thank you for giving time in answering my post! Means a lot than you guys could imagine!
Another resource
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Hi - you made the right choice, I believe, and I'm glad that folks here at the forum could provide you with the support you needed to move on.
If you are interested, there is a resource that I think might be helpful to you. It's a book called Boundary Boss that will help you explore what it is that is most important to you, and perhaps, why you stayed with this man as you did.
Thank you so much!
Submitted by hazelknuttss on
I believe too that this forum helped me a lot with this relationship and I appreciate all the people who even though they don't know me and are also struggling, gave me their good advices!
I already downloaded the book you suggested, the first few pages already resonated with me! More power to you Melissa and thank you for responding!