I'm fairly new to this site and new too ADHD world. My husband of 21 years has known all along that he had ADHD, the topic came up 8-10 years ago, and got swept under the rug, he failed one test so miserBLY, THE DR COULDNT SCORE IT... Another Dr. and he passed the test but was offered treatment anyway... He refused.... IT"S BAAAAAACK! he sees a counselor for a 2 hr appt on Wed, today is Sunday, Mothers Day and all I've done is cry all day, its snowing here which adds to the sadness. As I watch it silently fall to the ground from the roof I can't help it, some how I feel a connection that this is just like my life has been for 20 Years. Snow covering the fertile ground of a new marriage, to the point that the marriage is buried under a glacier, melt, thaw, melt, thaw... on and on it goes, where it will stop,nobody knows! I wish they were happy years, happy moments, yes, years, NO. The last 4 years in particular have been devastating and heart shredding... I wonder if the grief will ever end? Grief...my constant companion, always lurking around the corner waiting for a chance to accost me... My mother passed away in 2010, three months before my 1st daughters wedding...put it in a box and deal with it later...I have a daughter who needs me...lost my business partner and "our" store right before my mom died. Through it all my AD hubby offered no support and in fact attacked me on several occasions verbally, emotionally and Spiritually. I have to say I liked him better before he began reading scripture... He found a new weapon and set forth to convict the world with me in it! I'm thinking of writing a book about my comedy of errors life! I have quit going to church as i have to put up with his elbow poking during the service and I'm quite over that situation! Lets see, oh yes, 1 yr and 6mos after my daughters wedding, our house burned down in a fire, and 4 mos later I received a breast cancer DX...Yes,chemo,radiation infections including a heart valve infection because of a dental clean and check! Mind you, we were still trying to rebuild our house and dealing with INS...AGAIN absolutely NO SUPPORT FROM MY AD SPOUSE! He couldn't understand why I was so exhaughsted...Nope, what I got was blame, defensiveness and "why cant you meet my needs?" So here we are, back in our new house, ADD topic has been brought forth AGAIN and I'm so exhausted I don't care...I left this RELATIONSHIP EMOTIONALLY ALONG TIME AGO in order to survive, I just haven't signed any papers yet...my children are gone and there really is no reason to stay, So, Now he's willing to address his issues, I Say, TOO LITTLE TOO LATE... Faced death squarely in the face and I have decided what little time I have left will not be wasted on this sham of a marriage. I sincerely hope he's getting treatment for him and not as a last ditch attempt to save this marriage, its a dead horse and it won't be getting up any time son to ride off into the sunset... "Progress and hope" was a forum i saw...for me this means for a life without his unclaimed baggage and an opportunity for some peace in my life...
Thanks for the ramble...
You've had a hard time
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Your story is an incredibly sad one, and it is easy to understand why you feel such grief. I wish you great luck and good health as you move on and move forward, and suggest that you seek professional counseling with a person who is familiar with ADHD and with the grief of a "life lost" as you describe.
As for your husband's desire to address his issues, you have the opportunity to move forward as you wish, and be supportive of (but detached from the outcome of) his efforts. He should address his ADHD whether or not you stay together, and it's very freeing to say "I am going to live my life as I see fit. You may come along if you wish...but I'm no longer going to adapt to your poor behavior."
My own situation was different when I adopted this attitude - I genuinely wanted to stay with my husband, but was unwilling to make myself a slave to the relationship any longer. So I took care of addressing my own needs and setting my life straight again, and told him I hoped he would join me, but that I understood it was his right not to and I had no power to make him do so...nor a desire to bind him that way. We did end up staying together, but that might not be where you end up. Again, it's important to reiterate that you should look at who YOU wish to be for the remainder of your life, and invest your energy and getting to that place. You have some work to do to get past your grief and emotional issues, as well as set a course with which you are comfortable. Good luck!
Thank you
Submitted by Justbreathe on
Thank you for your encouragement... This certainly feels like a "life-lost" however I do have 3 wonderful children, 2 from an earlier marriage and a son from this one... I've been counseling and working on my "stuff" my entire adult life or I might not have been posting at all because of the tight white coat and padded room I'd be in! :) anyway, I am sane, I love my children and grand children, one here and one on the way. I love my son-in-laws and I have lots of friends, good friends, faithful friends! My relationship with God is as strong as ever, perhaps because of all the trials? He's shown me so many things! Notwithstanding, that a person never knows how strong they are without adversity! He calls me a Champion and I am in so many ways! I didn't see it before, but I see it now. This marriage has made me strong in so many ways despite the ADD Affect! My life has been rich in so many ways but I do wonder if I will ever FEEL loved by a man? Not mine to know... But it makes me sad...
Thank you!